What's The Difference Between Creepy and Romantic?

[IamLEAM1983]

From the responses so far, would it be fair to say that women should stop public shaming guys for being "creepy"? From what I read so far, he biggest crime he committed would be not looking like Ryan Gosling when he showed romantic interest in a woman. Just a thought.

No, the problem is that there's some sort of filter of admissibility that applies to movies. Codependent or stalkerish behaviour is always called out in real life, as it should be - but it inexplicably gets a pass in the context of a movie script. What comes across for us Real People as meaning "Yeah, this guy-slash-gal has issues" strikes either of the two protagonists of your default Romcom setup as being whimsical or a stirring show of self-sacrifice.

There's this weird notion in the market that makes it so illegal actions or aggressively codependent behaviour comes across as a display of burning passion - and it feeds into what a lot of editors might call Compensation Logic.

Spend a long time with the same spouse, and chances are your torrid displays of young-adult passion will simmer down to an older adult's contented tedium. Both parts of the couple sink down into their routines, they gain weight, work more, grow increasingly less interested in sex... If you go by market research, there's a lot of statistically female consumers - not excluding male Rom-Com aficionados, of course - that want a shot of syrupy romance that goes beyond what their routine can deliver.

It's irrational, wanting to see a Ryan Gosling lookalike face jail time for his loved one shouldn't be all that commendable - but it plugs an emotional hole the targeted market seems to display. I've taken introductory classes to the way publishing companies target their consumers, and that's pretty much it. The average Rom-Com fan knows these guys and gals they read or watch have unrealistic behaviour - but they suspend their disbelief for the sake of the Warm Fuzzies to be enjoyed.

 

[Sigmund Av Volsung]

Reciprocation as well as the attractiveness of the person in question. Self-awareness also helps.

If someone's determined to breathe heavily and nervously stutter out a 'hello' then it helps if they understand that they should better their behaviour if they want to get somewhere.

But yeah, attractiveness is the most important factor. People forgive a hell of a lot for a pretty face in general, both in and outside of relationships.

 

[American Fox]

Creepy is using a steel dildo on someone. A romantic will do the same thing, but be wearing a Bugs Bunny costume at the same time.

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

What Phasmal said basically. Claiming it is all down to attractiveness is your typical old fashioned projection here. Very common within this subject especially. There are ample of comedies that parody this particular problem with applying Hollywood romcom values to real life situations. If you want a more realistic portrayal, look for the more independent romance films that are often more grounded. Like the recent Once, a critically acclaimed indie gem, less watered down and not written by confused weasels (as far as I'm aware).

 

[happyninja42]

What Phasmal said basically. Claiming it is all down to attractiveness is your typical old fashioned projection here. Very common within this subject especially. There are ample of comedies that parody this particular problem with applying Hollywood romcom values to real life situations. If you want a more realistic portrayal, look for the more independent romance films that are often more grounded. Like the recent Once, a critically acclaimed indie gem, less watered down and not written by confused weasels (as far as I'm aware).

Except not all of us are basing it on movies, some of us are basing it on real world reactions by real people to the exact same example given. And many of those opinions on the "is it hot or creepy" boil down to whether that specific person finds the person in question attractive.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Liking them back. That's literally the answer. Also I suppose if they are an actual threat to your well being.

I'm with Saelune here.

If you like the person back, its amazing how much bullshit you're willing to tolerate.

 

[springheeljack]

I would say weather or not something is romantic or creepy depends on looks, level of intensity, time of day, location and weather or not the person is single or already in a relationship.

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

What Phasmal said basically. Claiming it is all down to attractiveness is your typical old fashioned projection here. Very common within this subject especially. There are ample of comedies that parody this particular problem with applying Hollywood romcom values to real life situations. If you want a more realistic portrayal, look for the more independent romance films that are often more grounded. Like the recent Once, a critically acclaimed indie gem, less watered down and not written by confused weasels (as far as I'm aware).

Except not all of us are basing it on movies, some of us are basing it on real world reactions by real people to the exact same example given. And many of those opinions on the "is it hot or creepy" boil down to whether that specific person finds the person in question attractive.

Erm, I didnt claim that at all, I was vaguely talking about some guys trying to apply outdated "romantic" methods observed from movies and the various parodies that have come from it. Not what you have perceived that initiated a defensive stance for whatever reason. Anyhow, there will always be shallow people, but why generalise based on the shallow examples? It may make things appear simpler, more digestable...but there are better humans out there that can only roll their eyes when hearing they have been pigeon holed with the least flattering examples of active minds yet again.

 

[Saltyk]

Damn. I was beat to it by literally everyone.

Remember it's really romantic when a super hot, immortal, forever teenage vampire stares at you, watches you sleep at night (before you even got close), and stalks you. It's creepy when I do --I mean-- when unattractive people do it. [sub]Whew. That was close. I don't think anyone noticed.[/sub]

 

[K12]

Whether the other person is into it or not, obviously if you're really hot that's going to happen more often and more quickly but you can definitely definitely be a creepy fucking weirdo whilst being smoking hot. Occassionally this means you might have to accurately guess someone's reactions beforehand but most of the time a basic level of empathy, perception and self-awareness. If you have none of these qualities then it's probably better to be cautious and run the idea past someone else first.

There's a reason that romantic gestures are so impressive, they're a big fucking risk. The one that gets me most is in the Notebook (yes I watched that) where Ryan Gosling's character jokingly theatens to kill himself by plumeting to his death from a ferris wheel if whatshername doesn't go out with him. I don't believe that would work for anybody, even Ryan Gosling. That's the romantic film equivalent of the restaurant fight scene in Kill Bill Vol. 1... in real life one of those gangster's would have brought a gun and the Bride would have died in 3 seconds.

 

[Dreiko_v1legacy]

Creepy is one of those catchall, meaningless terms that means "whatever sexual traits or acts the speaker finds undesirable" hence, as each speaker has their own set of desires, an utterly meaningless term.

To one person, messaging them every day is romantic and shows you care, to another it shows you are creepily obsessed. One may complain you don't do it enough, the other that you do it too much.

Attractiveness matters but not in a general sense, more in a sense to how you fit the speaker's type, so it isn't as simple as saying hot people can't be creepy and more about to whom they can't be creepy towards. Sure, more people will find them romantic, but some still won't, and either reaction is equally meaningless, as it fails to examine their actual motives and intentions before jumping to a conclusion.


Basically, just use real descrptors and not middle school vernacular about stuff. Creepy is useless as a description unless you are addressing a clone of yourself.

 

[Wrex Brogan]

...well, beaten to the punch by Phasmal. Maaaybe there's a few people who do go 'fuck it, they're pretty enough!' but by and large I've found Context is the most important aspect of whether something is creepy or romantic, in both how the situation plays out (what's the context between me and the person doing the action?) and my personal responses (Does this action at base appeal to me romantically?).

Spoiler: Oh look people are claiming it's attractiveness

Context and reciprocity. That's literally it. It has nothing to do with attractiveness, those who say it does aren't spilling the hard truths they think they are, they're just misinterpreting situations. For instance, I'd bang Chris Evans like a screen door in a hurricane, but I'd still think it was weird if I found him face down in my laundry basket inhaling like a crack addict.

This example doesn't prove your point, Phasmal. There is absolutely no context in which sniffing one's laundry basket could be interpreted as romantic. The question is when a gesture that is intended as romantic would come off as creepy.

Speak for yourself there, mate. I'd personally find it quite romantic if I found my partner sniffing the laundry basket.

...mainly because that means he's finally checking to see if the clothes in the basket are actually dirty for once. Dammit, I've washed the same shirt 5 times in a row without anyone wearing it, quit throwing it in the fuckin' basket already!

Some rando sniffing it though? Well, hope he can bounce after I chuck 'em out the 2nd story window. Context. It's everything.

Thank you for the replies so far. I did just want to ask the question and let the people answer it without any context or prompting. However, there is a low post rule here. So, I used mainstream romantic entertainment as an example of the subjectivity concerning what is creepy or romantic.

I'll be honest. Some of the replies do open up a can of worms about hypocrisies of what women complain about with men.

-snip-

So, the two picture are men who are different in attractiveness. Also, why do women expect men to do things for them and should expect nothing in return? How would you like it if a guy doesn't reciprocate when you do nice things for him?

Let me add, women in romantic movies do some creepy things in romantic movies as well. The best example would My Best Friend's Wedding. Julia Roberts play a woman who friendzoned a guy. He moves on and get engaged with someone else. When she finds out, she seek to sabotage the wedding. With the help of a gay guy(another friendzoned man), she hopes the guy will change his mind and falls back into love with her.

How about those romantic movies and books about a woman who strings along two or more guys before deciding who she really, truly love?

OK, romantic stories are not meant to taken seriously. I hope women do understand and appreciate the confusion a man have when they see a woman swoon over these stories.

Just one more thing to add. From the responses so far, would it be fair to say that women should stop public shaming guys for being "creepy"? From what I read so far, he biggest crime he committed would be not looking like Ryan Gosling when he showed romantic interest in a woman. Just a thought.

...you know, I'm a gay man, so probably not the best at this but... shouldn't straight guys know that romance movies are... fiction? As in, not realistic representations of reality? A woman swooning over a romance story is about as accurate a representation of what they find romantic as me shouting 'RIP THEM IN HALF!' at a wrestling match is in regards to my approach to real-world violence. And given I'm a pacifist (yes I know I said I'd throw someone out of a window above, but that's just my shitty kind of humour)... yeah.

Just saying, if a man is confused over a womans reaction to a romantic movie... it feels like that's on him, not her.

As to your question of whether women should stop public shaming for men being creepy - I'll be honest, that doesn't feel like a question you should ask when a majority of your responders have been men. 'Should women stop doing the thing???' directed at a bunch of men is never a good path to take, trust me on that.

 

[Dreiko_v1legacy]

...well, beaten to the punch by Phasmal. Maaaybe there's a few people who do go 'fuck it, they're pretty enough!' but by and large I've found Context is the most important aspect of whether something is creepy or romantic, in both how the situation plays out (what's the context between me and the person doing the action?) and my personal responses (Does this action at base appeal to me romantically?).

Spoiler: Oh look people are claiming it's attractiveness

Context and reciprocity. That's literally it. It has nothing to do with attractiveness, those who say it does aren't spilling the hard truths they think they are, they're just misinterpreting situations. For instance, I'd bang Chris Evans like a screen door in a hurricane, but I'd still think it was weird if I found him face down in my laundry basket inhaling like a crack addict.

This example doesn't prove your point, Phasmal. There is absolutely no context in which sniffing one's laundry basket could be interpreted as romantic. The question is when a gesture that is intended as romantic would come off as creepy.

Speak for yourself there, mate. I'd personally find it quite romantic if I found my partner sniffing the laundry basket.

...mainly because that means he's finally checking to see if the clothes in the basket are actually dirty for once. Dammit, I've washed the same shirt 5 times in a row without anyone wearing it, quit throwing it in the fuckin' basket already!

Some rando sniffing it though? Well, hope he can bounce after I chuck 'em out the 2nd story window. Context. It's everything.

Thank you for the replies so far. I did just want to ask the question and let the people answer it without any context or prompting. However, there is a low post rule here. So, I used mainstream romantic entertainment as an example of the subjectivity concerning what is creepy or romantic.

I'll be honest. Some of the replies do open up a can of worms about hypocrisies of what women complain about with men.

-snip-

So, the two picture are men who are different in attractiveness. Also, why do women expect men to do things for them and should expect nothing in return? How would you like it if a guy doesn't reciprocate when you do nice things for him?

Let me add, women in romantic movies do some creepy things in romantic movies as well. The best example would My Best Friend's Wedding. Julia Roberts play a woman who friendzoned a guy. He moves on and get engaged with someone else. When she finds out, she seek to sabotage the wedding. With the help of a gay guy(another friendzoned man), she hopes the guy will change his mind and falls back into love with her.

How about those romantic movies and books about a woman who strings along two or more guys before deciding who she really, truly love?

OK, romantic stories are not meant to taken seriously. I hope women do understand and appreciate the confusion a man have when they see a woman swoon over these stories.

Just one more thing to add. From the responses so far, would it be fair to say that women should stop public shaming guys for being "creepy"? From what I read so far, he biggest crime he committed would be not looking like Ryan Gosling when he showed romantic interest in a woman. Just a thought.

...you know, I'm a gay man, so probably not the best at this but... shouldn't straight guys know that romance movies are... fiction? As in, not realistic representations of reality? A woman swooning over a romance story is about as accurate a representation of what they find romantic as me shouting 'RIP THEM IN HALF!' at a wrestling match is in regards to my approach to real-world violence. And given I'm a pacifist (yes I know I said I'd throw someone out of a window above, but that's just my shitty kind of humour)... yeah.

Just saying, if a man is confused over a womans reaction to a romantic movie... it feels like that's on him, not her.

As to your question of whether women should stop public shaming for men being creepy - I'll be honest, that doesn't feel like a question you should ask when a majority of your responders have been men. 'Should women stop doing the thing???' directed at a bunch of men is never a good path to take, trust me on that.

I think there's misunderstanding. It is obvious someone breaking into your house to smell your dirty laundry is bizzare and weird, this isn't really what most often is described as creepy though, which is more normal, but in some way undesirable, courses of action.


It is this, secondary type of creepy thing that this topic regards. Not siniffing laundry, more like texting good morning to someone every day or making extra lunch and sharing it or similar such normal-spectrum things that can be considered "creepy" by someone.

 

[Joccaren]

There are a few things here. Much like everyone else has said; attractiveness plays a part in it. It isn't something that's completely ignored, and there are plenty of studies out there showing how attractive people get treated and considered better. People will have a different reaction to an attractive person giving them a creepy pickup line, to a fat, sweaty old man giving them that same pickup line. Even if the reaction isn't positive for either, its often more extreme for the less attractive person, and if it would have been borderline for the non-attractive person, its got a fair chance to be acceptable for the attractive person. Humans, all people, tend to treat attractive people differently. Rather than hide from it, accept it, and realise its not a judgement about people, just something we do.

That said, another post kind of covered a key idea to this whole thing; the fact that it could potentially be creepy is why it can also be considered romantic. Taking that risk, of it being interpreted as creepy, for the chance of it being treated as endearing, is seen as romantic, putting yourself out there. I'd also speculate its a bit of a test; the main defining factor in whether someone will find it creepy or not is their tastes. It has nothing to do with reciprocity, or little to do with it. My partner loves me back as much as I love her, but were I to threaten to kill myself were she to not marry me, or to stand outside her house and blast a boombox of music... Yeah, she'd be pissed. Were I to insist on going everywhere with her, she'd consider me confining and dislike it. Others would find me devoted. It all depends on a person's perspective, and knowing where they draw that line between creepy and romantic, and being able to tread it properly so that you excite them but don't scare them, may be seen as a sign of intimacy, and of how close the two of you are. Step over it and you're not as close as you thought. Stay too safe and you're not really displaying any extra affection or understanding of them. Toe the line in a good way and you're demonstrating how well you know them, and being more exciting and interesting than just playing it safe all the time. Of course, even that's up to perspective.

The best answer to the question in general; who the two people are. What each of them values, what they individually find creepy and romantic, and how well they understand each other's feelings on that. That's all there is to it. There's a ton of factors that go into those sub topics like attractiveness and reciprocity of feelings and context and a million others, but each of them the specifics depend on the two individuals, and its the fact that they could be creepy or romantic that is often seen as attractive to watch and, occasionally, experience. Much like extreme sports and stunts in movies and such. A lot of people will watch the stunts and life threatening activities of Bond or a skydiver, and find it thrilling and cool. Not a damn chance they'd do it themselves though - well, maybe once every now and then for a rush to try it, if they are really interested in it, but its not something they'd like to experience too often. Its thrilling and exciting to put yourself at risk, but IRL its fucking terrifying and has dire consequences if things don't go right. That's what makes it so fun to watch; its something we might feel like experiencing occasionally in life, that we'd love to be able to do or find the idea of exciting, but won't because of all the risks associated with it [On the flipside with romantic gestures, things like blasting a boombox outside there house COULD be a sign that they're really devoted and love you and want to support you forever... Or it could be a sign they're insane, ultra-clingy and want to own you. Movies remove the risk of the negative, risky side of being impressed by such a gesture, leaving only the positives - again, also up to personal taste], and movies remove those risks, allowing us to enjoy them and remove the risks that make some of them become creepy - based on personal taste again.

Put simply, its a complex issue, as everything in this world is, and as with everything in the world, 90% of the complexity comes from the differences between people.

 

[Wrex Brogan]

I think there's misunderstanding. It is obvious someone breaking into your house to smell your dirty laundry is bizzare and weird, this isn't really what most often is described as creepy though, which is more normal, but in some way undesirable, courses of action.


It is this, secondary type of creepy thing that this topic regards. Not siniffing laundry, more like texting good morning to someone every day or making extra lunch and sharing it or similar such normal-spectrum things that can be considered "creepy" by someone.

...see, I feel you may have missed both the joke and the hyperbolic example there with the dirty laundry. Ah well, shit happens.

And the secondary type of creepy is what Phasmal already addressed anyway - context and reciprocity matters. I text my partner good morning every day (when we're not around each other), but that's because we're both fine with doing that. Texting some rando 'good morning' every day when they don't want it though? Creepy. Making extra lunch and sharing it? Actually pretty nice. Making lunch and sharing it as a romantic gesture? Unless you're dating that person and both parties are comfortable with it, creepy.

Like... yeah, Context is everything, how the people respond is everything. That's literally it.

 

[KissingSunlight]

...you know, I'm a gay man, so probably not the best at this but... shouldn't straight guys know that romance movies are... fiction? As in, not realistic representations of reality? A woman swooning over a romance story is about as accurate a representation of what they find romantic as me shouting 'RIP THEM IN HALF!' at a wrestling match is in regards to my approach to real-world violence. And given I'm a pacifist (yes I know I said I'd throw someone out of a window above, but that's just my shitty kind of humour)... yeah.

Just saying, if a man is confused over a womans reaction to a romantic movie... it feels like that's on him, not her.

As to your question of whether women should stop public shaming for men being creepy - I'll be honest, that doesn't feel like a question you should ask when a majority of your responders have been men. 'Should women stop doing the thing???' directed at a bunch of men is never a good path to take, trust me on that.

I haven't looked to see what gender the people who have been responding. It never occurred to me to do that. So, I'll walk that last statement back a little. Let me just say, I wish women would be less quick to label a guy "creepy" just because she doesn't find him attractive.

Women aren't very straight-forward when it comes to telling men what they like. So, men usually try to pick up clues to what they do like. Some of them try to find clues from romantic movies. If a woman talks about a certain scene, a man might take this as a clue that this would be something she would like in real life. Results may vary. Depending how well the man knows the woman.

 

[infohippie]

Women aren't very straight-forward when it comes to telling men what they like.

That's the understatement of the century. Rather than "not straightforward", I'd say "verging on deliberately duplicitous".