What's with Americans and getting married?

[ripdajacker]

The self-explaining title should say it all, but here is an elaboration.

I am currently residing in Denmark, where marriage is sort of, at least to my social groups, the "last resort". It's something you do after you've had your series of relationships that end in sewage, and more importantly it's something you decide around the time, but preferably AFTER the decision to have kids.

With a marriage failure rate at about 40% (maybe it's even more) it's hard to stay optimistic. My grandma would say it's because we don't believe in love, but the truth of the matter is that women and men earn enough money to support themselves.

I know some married people that are around my age (23), and I don't get the rush. Some of the relationships are both party's first serious, and let's be honest: At this age you don't know shit.

I still spend most of my waking hours thinking about gorgeous women and how to get in their pants. I can do a presentation at school/work and completely lose focus if some hot chick passes by.

If I was to get married today I would feel tied down for no reason. I don't want to sound like a prick, but don't guys realize their potential as males? Sure there are some relationships that are meant to last, but getting married before your education is finished AND before your career has begun just seems like a stupid idea.

Watching American movies and sitcoms (especially How I Met Your Mother and FRIENDS), I find their solution to all problems being: Find a spouse, get her to marry you, win. What's up with that?

 

[cryogeist]

well America is having a economy problem...so having two people who make money is a good way to make sure you still have a home in the morning also your thoughts about america come from TV shows...really? thats kind of stupid

 

[tomtom94]

Marriage is popular in Britain as well; in many cases not necessarily sensibly.

I guess it's just in our culture we've been brainwashed / we believe of our own free will that it must be the natural culmination of a successful relationship.

It's not for everyone though. Lots of people these days choose to "live together" rather than get married.

 

[FernandoV]

It's ingrained into our societal conscience. The nuclear american family is practically a staple of the American archetype; regardless of whether there is a huge marriage failure rate.

 

[ZeroMachine]

What's with people judging Americans based on their comedy shows?

Yeah, some people are stupid enough to get engaged and married at a young age. I know a couple myself that are "engaged" and I'm thinking of starting a pool to bet on when they break up. (I'm guessing by January).

But the thing is, I'm sure there are just as many people here that are smart enough to wait as there are where you live.

... Well, percentage wise, at least.

Now, why are sitcoms like that? Think about it- how many times do they fail before they manage the marriage? A lot. Just like some people in real life. And to some people, the situations surrounding those failures are amusing. Hence, comedies. You never see those issues in serious movies/shows.

 

[FreakSheet]

If I was to get married today I would feel tied down for no reason. I don't want to sound like a prick, but don't guys realize their potential as males?

Sorry, but as it turns out, not all people are only interested in sex approaching infinity, with partners approaching infinity. People get divorced because they either didn't love each other to begin with (ie they thought that they were marrying someone hot, now they're not) or the second it gets too hard they bail since its so easy. The concept of instant gratification doesn't apply to marriage, and that makes people think its a waste of time.

Hopefully though, the people that do have sexual relationships approaching infinity don't have kids and this way of thinking will die out.

 

[Rainbowloid]

It's mostly for legal reasons, at least for me. Lower taxes, health care, hospital visitation rights, and so on. I don't think that two people need to be married to remain committed to each other, and I don't think people need to commit themselves to others if they don't want to. But personally, I would like to find that special someone someday, and have all the legal benefits of being married. I'm not in some huge rush, though; I'm perfectly content with being on my own. I guess that's for the best, since I wouldn't be able to get married even if I wanted to.

 

[Lilani]

Wow, Denmark has a very different view on marriage. How on earth is marriage supposed to end a series of bad relationships? I mean, if you're having bad luck with relationships, why would you suddenly decide to join in one that has financial consequences if it fails? Negative reinforcement is certainly not going to make a relationship any better.

From what I've been able to tell, here in the states marriage is ideally the final stage of a relationship. It's not "tying yourself down for no reason." It's tying yourself to the person you can't stand to be without.

Unfortunately, a lot of people (ESPCIALLY young people) these days don't seem to get that. They get the steps in the wrong order, or decide WAAAAY too fast to get married. They get married before they even really know each other and know they can deal with arguments and fights. They only think about the "lovey-dovey" part of the relationship and refuse to acknowledge things like arguments will ever even happen to them. Then they do get into a fight, rather than being an annoying but necessary part of the relationship, suddenly the argument is a relationship-breaker. They don't know how to deal with it, so they break it off because it's easier than having to deal with those things.

Then there are those who get married just because they got knocked up, which is really about the most ridiculous thing to do in that situation. Getting married is NOT going to make having an unexpected baby any better, in fact it will most likely make things worse. I saw this happen right before my very eyes in high school. Within a year and a half, a guy in my graphic design class knocked up a girl, they got married, then they got divorced and she basically became a single mom because he wanted nothing to do with it. Classy, right?

The divorce rate here in the US is over 50%, but everyone who gets married believes they are in the "good" half. So they aren't concerned about that.

I may or may not get married to my current boyfriend in the future, but there are a few things I'm waiting for. First, at least three more years of being with him. We've been going out since April, I'm 20 and he's 18. So at LEAST three years for both of us to do some growing up and really get comfortable with the idea of being together, so that marriage isn't that big of a change. Maybe even four or five if necessary. Second, we need to have at LEAST one argument. Hopefully more. I mean like a really good argument--yelling, stubbornness, refusing to compromise, the whole nine yards. We'll get mad, but then hopefully we can work things out and our relationship will be all the stronger. And secondly, we need to both be at a good place in our lives to get married. I may or may not move across the country for a few months after I graduate from college. He'd still be attending classes, so that would be cruel and unfair to get married and then to leave him here to attend classes while I "move on," as it were. Especially since I know I might do it. So we'll just see.

As for your sitcom thing, again, we see marriage as the "ideal" ending to the story. You've officially found that person who you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you've entered into the kind of relationship meant to last forever. Plus, it's a freaking sitcom you're talking about here. Sitcoms aren't exactly known for dealing with ANYTHING in a realistic manner, from plot to the desires of the characters.

I post this video WAY too much around here, but you seem fairly new to the forums so maybe you haven't seen it. I think this is a perfect example of what everyone here in the US hopes their marriage will be like. It's a true story, by the way.

 

[balol]

Some people do it because of the whole "No-sex-till-married" religious garbage that their parents will beat the fuck out of and disown them. That is a very large, unfortunate problem in America. Dunno bout Europe.

 

[balol]

Some people do it because of the whole "No-sex-till-married" religious garbage and that their parents will beat the fuck out of and/or disown them if they don't listen. Though, those types I often see are the ones who are married by 18ish. That is a very large, unfortunate problem in America, and creates many many unstable relationships. Dunno bout Europe.

 

[Smackerlacker]

That's a great question, and fortunately for you, I have the answer.
You see, after world war II ended, the American people were scared shitless. They retreated into a reactive fantasy centered around family life, and shunned anything that drew them out of this fantasy.
This turn of events is largely responsible for the unthinkably bland, inoffensive, and artificially wholesome entertainment from that era. So, ultimately it's a matter of tradition within the television and movie industries which has found its way into film schools, and it is a lingering trend in the collective culture of this country.
It has become a broadly accepted cultural norm that people need to marry and have kids in order to be happy, which reinforces itself through popular media. Combine this with lingering arcane superstitions like Christianity, and you can see what's happening pretty easily.
No one stops to think that marriage is entirely unhealthy and unnecessary for a happy life, or for raising children. The idea that two people could conceivably be perfect for each other is absurd, even before you acknowledge that people change constantly, but this fact is never acknowledged.
In short, there is a lot of social pressure on people in America, driving them to marry and belittling more progressive modes of thought, and this is echoed in the media.

 

[manythings]

For some it's being strongly religious and getting their priorities wrong. A bit of writing in a book tells them they can't bone someone unless they get married. So they get married and make everyone really unhappy and bring it kids to share the misery. And then forget that their religion actually said "be nice to other people and don't wreck their life". Which I find ironic.

As opposed to people who never get married and are a total delight to be around as they complain about being alone. Yay generalising!

Yeah, some people are stupid enough to get engaged and married at a young age. I know a couple myself that are "engaged" and I'm thinking of starting a pool to bet on when they break up. (I'm guessing by January).

Wow, you're a totally awesome friend.

OT: People making a poor choice based on what they think at the time, we can't plan for what we've never encountered so just saying marriage = dumb is just lazy reasoning. Relationships can go bad and a lot of people don't get married for the reason of staying with a person they love but rather being guilted into it by the other party or because they think it will last forever. Impetuous youth and all that.

There is also the school of thought that since divorce can be (not universally) pretty quick and painless, assuming both adults have come to the decision and decided this is the best for both of them, that people are often choosing divorce ahead of trying to sort their issues out.

*waits for the first screaming "You're a fundamentalist christian" reply*

 

[Irridium]

It's mainly the stigma with being single that causes people to get married though. Society has ingrained many-a-mind that if you're single, something must be wrong with you. Probably why so many people rush into it. Mostly goes like this: "everyone else is getting married, how come I'm not?" And wants to be that person.

Same with having kids.

There's also the fact that single people get screwed in life. Married people tend to get paid more, single people have to work more days and don't get as many days off, married people get nice tax breaks, health insurance is easier to pay with someone else on your plan who's helping to pay for it, and of course there's the whole stigma associated with being single.

 

[ripdajacker]

What's with people judging Americans based on their comedy shows?

No not really, but the pop culture in a country says something about the inhabitants. We also judge you by your political debates

Back on topic:
The stigma thing is really what is bothering me. My entire family in Bosnia (where I was born) seem to think it's a disgrace I haven't got a girlfriend or a wife.

In the western society of today it shouldn't be such a big deal. I am not trying to have an infinite amount of sex with infinite partners, I am just trying to eat the cake of life with a bigger spoon.

 

[FreakSheet]

In short, there is a lot of social pressure on people in America, driving them to marry and belittling more progressive modes of thought, and this is echoed in the media.

Yes, because "progressive" is having multiple sexual partners and f'ing each others brains out until you move on to the next one. Then you are 40, no kids, no wife, and one lonely mofo. But hey, you have a nice car, what else could you need?

And I believe the word you were looking for was "degeneration of western society" not "progressive"

 

[Silent Anima]

What's with people judging Americans based on their comedy shows?

No not really, but the pop culture in a country says something about the inhabitants. We also judge you by your political debates

No offence, but none of that says anything about our inhabitants. For example: I don't go and judge English people by Monty Python, Harry Potter, or their political debates. I would be extremely wrong about them if I did.

OT: I'd go with what other people said. Social stigma and tax breaks and the like. Then there are those people that want to get married, so there's that too. It all depends on the person.

EDIT: Just so you know, it's mostly the latter. People nowadays are less "Do this cuz society tells you!"

 

[Elivercury]

You're aware that all the members of how I met your mother are like 29-35 when they get married right? Possibly older given we've yet to see when some of them get married.

The fact of the matter is that as you get older you have different considerations. School, work, careers are great early on, but what about kids? Generally speaking mid-30's is the reasonable limit for most women to give birth and if you ever want to see grandkids then you probably need to have them before you're 30. As you get older your needs and wants change. Not to mention your situation in the world.

I suspect you've a rather clouded view on the subject and that far fewer americans get married young than you think. Of course every country has their teen pregnancies and young married couples, but these aren't the norm.

TV isn't a great source of info either, as it's always full of stereotypes, whether offensive or harmless.

 

[funguy2121]

Watching American movies and sitcoms (especially How I Met Your Mother and FRIENDS), I find their solution to all problems being: Find a spouse, get her to marry you, win. What's up with that?

I found all of your OP compelling, and I also think you're absolutely right: at 23, most people don't know a whole lot. At 18, people don't know shit. I just wanted to address the sitcoms you mentioned.

I love love love How I Met Your Mother, but I love it in spite of some very un-lovably obnoxious espousing of traditions, such as the laugh track. And, say, unhealthy preoccupation with turning every potential love interest into the fulcrum of one's own happiness. The main character is a total douchebag played by a not terribly talented actor. Thankfully, he's surrounded by the phenomenal Jason Segal, Kobie Smolders, Alyson Hannigan and Doogie Howser. The show appears to not know when it's funny, even though it's oftentimes hilarious. Friends is just a rip-off of Seinfeld for not-as-intellectually-minded 20- and 30-somethings. "I'm not gay-not there's anything wrong with it" (Seinfeld) becomes "I'm not gay, but if I was, I could get a 'Ted.'" (Friends) The "Master of my domain," wherein all of the main characters bet that they can go the longest without touching themselves, brought masturbation into primetime television and into the Emmys without even mentioning the word. Friends responded with an episode where Joey and Chandler realize that they have free porn in their apartment.

So yes, the totally un-artistic people who make the big decisions on these shows had tried to attract some of the rom-com crowd. I just watched the doc Conan O'Brien Can't Stop. I'd recommend this and a movie that David Duchovny and Sigourney Weaver made for Showtime a few years back about a TV pilot. Both address unartistic douchebags fucking up art. Friends and How I Met Your Mother are both great examples of this; the difference is that How I Met Your Mother is still funny as Hell.

 

[Robert Ewing]

Well, nobodies forcing marriage upon anyone.

If it's mutually beneficial, why not do it?

If you both love eachother, and it's mutually beneficialy then great job!

Marriage is necessary. I'm perfectly happy with it.