What's with Americans and getting married?

[ripdajacker]

Are you really judging a nation's conscience based on a few (bad) sitcoms? Okay, ignoring that logical fallacy, why exactly do you assume this is an inherently American trait? You say yourself your grandmother believes in marriage, is it not possible that your generation is the exception globally, and that marriage is something that's celebrated by older generations, not a single nation? Really, this the silliest generalisation I've heard in a while, and that's saying something.

Short answer: No I am not generalizing based upon a sitcom, I am generalizing based upon movies, books, politics and American people I have met.

My grandmother is from Bosnia, and there to exists the same kind of stigma if you are let's say 25-30 and single. America being probably the most represented county on this forum (just assuming), I thought I would ask about the American people in general. That way we could maybe conclude why there are such differences between the countries.

 

[winter2]

I'm a Norwegian that have lived in the great state of South Carolina (aka part of the deep South)for about 10 years so one would think I would have some insight into this.. But I don't..

All I can say is that roughly 3/4 of my friends over here are married and every single friend back home in Norway are married. So I guess I'm not sure I see this "pressure to get married" that is mentioned over here. And oh yea, I'm divorced and I don't feel any pressure to get married.


Just sayin'

 

[Syzygy23]

I still spend most of my waking hours thinking about gorgeous women and how to get in their pants. I can do a presentation at school/work and completely lose focus if some hot chick passes by.

See, there's your problem right there. You are still immature when it comes to women. Once you start thinking about women as something more than a dick repository, you will understand.

 

[Iron Mal]

I am currently residing in Denmark, where marriage is sort of, at least to my social groups, the "last resort". It's something you do after you've had your series of relationships that end in sewage, and more importantly it's something you decide around the time, but preferably AFTER the decision to have kids.

That's fair enough, marriage should be something that is done only between two people who are sure that they do want to be with each other for the rest of their lives (that is what the point of the whole thing is after all, a ceremony proclaiming your love and dedication to another person 'until death do you part').

With a marriage failure rate at about 40% (maybe it's even more) it's hard to stay optimistic. My grandma would say it's because we don't believe in love, but the truth of the matter is that women and men earn enough money to support themselves.

I would say that both you and your Grandma are correct, economically and socially there are less incentives for people to get married in this day and age (people enjoy more freedoms now, some of which do disappear or get lessened after marriage) and to a certain extent the notion of traditional romantic love has changed (having multiple sexual partners over time, and occasionally at the same time, has become much more socially acceptable and almost expected amongst the youth today), both of which have resulted in the number of first marriages declining and the number of divorces increasing.

I know some married people that are around my age (23), and I don't get the rush. Some of the relationships are both party's first serious, and let's be honest: At this age you don't know shit.

Some people do, some people honestly are happy with the person they're with and genuinely want their company for the proverbial 'forever and ever and ever'.

Just because you can't see yourself making such a committment to someone else doesn't mean that no-one your age can, sure, it isn't for everyone and for a lot of people that would be a stupid decision but by the same token it isn't too far a stretch of the imagination for us to be able to expect someone entering their twenties to make a large, life altering choice like that (given how many other responsabilities you have had for a few years already by that point).

I still spend most of my waking hours thinking about gorgeous women and how to get in their pants. I can do a presentation at school/work and completely lose focus if some hot chick passes by.

So a regular bloke then (no flaming please, I'm a guy myself, I can poke a little fun at us).

If I was to get married today I would feel tied down for no reason. I don't want to sound like a prick, but don't guys realize their potential as males? Sure there are some relationships that are meant to last, but getting married before your education is finished AND before your career has begun just seems like a stupid idea.

For you that's fair enough then, if you feel like you're happier unattached then that's the best way for you, I personally know that I'd be more than happy spending the rest of my life with my beloved girlfriend (for the reccord I'm actually younger than you) so I wouldn't be the least bit bothered by the idea of being 'tied down' (obviously there are reasons why I know we'd both prefer to wait first like getting decent careers behind us and finishing our educations first but my point still stands).

Overall, it takes all kinds.

You're happier with your freedom while others are happier with the idea of being attached to someone, neither one is inherantly 'bad' or 'wrong', it's purely a matter of personal choice.

Watching American movies and sitcoms (especially How I Met Your Mother and FRIENDS), I find their solution to all problems being: Find a spouse, get her to marry you, win. What's up with that?

That's just TV writing, if you were to go by SitCom and movie writing then you'd be lead to believe that having a baby is the solution to all of our personal and relationship problems rather than putting additional strain on pre-existing issues.

You can't really expect TV to have that much of the way of a realistic outlook on major stuff like this (especially SitComs with names like 'How I met your mother' of all places).

 

[The-Epicly-Named-Man]

Are you really judging a nation's conscience based on a few (bad) sitcoms? Okay, ignoring that logical fallacy, why exactly do you assume this is an inherently American trait? You say yourself your grandmother believes in marriage, is it not possible that your generation is the exception globally, and that marriage is something that's celebrated by older generations, not a single nation? Really, this the silliest generalisation I've heard in a while, and that's saying something.

Short answer: No I am not generalizing based upon a sitcom, I am generalizing based upon movies, books, politics and American people I have met.

My grandmother is from Bosnia, and there to exists the same kind of stigma if you are let's say 25-30 and single. America being probably the most represented county on this forum (just assuming), I thought I would ask about the American people in general. That way we could maybe conclude why there are such differences between the countries.

The generalisation was that you were assuming that it's exclusively Americans who hold that attitude to marriage, not that you were making the assumption based on American media. It seems from point of view (bare in my mind I'm not American though) that it's older generations and the media, in most civilisations, that bares an idealistic view of marriage.

 

[Dango]

I still spend most of my waking hours thinking about gorgeous women and how to get in their pants. I can do a presentation at school/work and completely lose focus if some hot chick passes by.

Perhaps it's because you're comparing everyone to yourself, and expecting people to be as sex obsessed as you are?

Watching American movies and sitcoms (especially How I Met Your Mother and FRIENDS), I find their solution to all problems being: Find a spouse, get her to marry you, win. What's up with that?

Hollywood TV and movies are not good way to learn about American culture or people.

 

[Rose1034]

It is a little depressing how cynical and almost angry most of the people on this topic are being. I'm not sure how it is with the rest of "America", but I got married because I found a man that I love with all my heart and couldn't live without. Religion was a part of it, because I am a Christian,but I married him because I love him. Because it's, to me, the ultimate commitment and bond to a person you truly care about.

 

[Pariah87]

At 23 and only ever having one relationship which lasted a pitifully short amount of time, the idea of marriage turns me off completely. I may have a similar attitude to the OP in that I haven't done the sleeping around/finding myself/experimenting with relationships that most people have worked out of their system by this point.

As a result, I see commiting to someone a bad thing, at least for now. Not only that, I have plans to emmigrate either to mainland Europe or Canada and having a wife and kids makes it much more likely that dream will fail. You see it on alot of Ex Pat forums how the guy always wanted to move, after a year or so the wife misses having her family around her and so wishes to go back home. It makes more sense for me now to try and have casual relationships for the next few years and THEN look for someone to settle down with once I've reached my country of choice.

My parents certainly can't understand it. Whilst not Christian they still strongly believe in the "Get a job, get married, procreate, never leave the town you were born in" mentality. Hell my Dad the other day even criticised my wish to have several relationships before settling down by saying it was wrong to have sexual encounters out of wedlock. Ugh.

 

[Zaverexus]

getting married before your education is finished AND before your career has begun just seems like a stupid idea.

This much I agree with; you should have your life settled before making that commitment, if only to be fair to both parties.
But aside from that I don't see the problem with getting married. Of course you should have all the dating you want to do out of your system first, but I honestly think there are people out there with whom I would be happy spending my life, not as a last resort, but because I love the person and want to be married.

I see this as reasonable, and not far distant from what you said. So you don't want to be married yet (or ever), there's nothing wrong with that at all, but there's nothing wrong with the people who do either; its just two different desires.

 

[ltbigjohn]

this is the first time i wish i could see everyone's ages. being an early 20 something i am in no way an expert but have a little experience with the subject and people are making some very strange, serious and bold claims in some places. and for the most part the implications of their words lead me to believe they have not lived enough to comment.

 

[Dorian6]

Watching American movies and sitcoms (especially How I Met Your Mother and FRIENDS), I find their solution to all problems being: Find a spouse, get her to marry you, win. What's up with that?

Because we have romanticized the concept of marriage. It's one of those things that's kind of expected in American society, so a large part of our culture is dedicated to it.

We've always been of the mind that when you grow up, you're supposed to get married and have kids and then your life is fulfilled. As you've obviously noticed, much of our television and movies perpetuate that idea.

Personally I couldn't agree with you more. I feel like this highly idealized image of marriage perpetuated by the media is one of the major factors in my country's high divorce rate. We get all these young people who have been lead to believe that marriage is just this thing you're supposed to do when you feel like you're in love (another thing that we've put on a pedestal). This leads to an entire generation, with a misguided idea of what love is, making the decision to get married before they're emotionally mature enough.

But that's just how I see it (me being against the institution of marriage entirely)

 

[ripdajacker]

Because we have romanticized the concept of marriage. It's one of those things that's kind of expected in American society, so a large part of our culture is dedicated to it.

Romanticizing a thing that is obviously failing (hence the divorce rate) seems a little irrational. Then again people want emotional security, and being single is certainly the opposite.

My parents certainly can't understand it. Whilst not Christian they still strongly believe in the "Get a job, get married, procreate, never leave the town you were born in" mentality. Hell my Dad the other day even criticised my wish to have several relationships before settling down by saying it was wrong to have sexual encounters out of wedlock. Ugh.

An attitude like that certainly brings some questions up. I fled town as soon as I could, college being the primary reason, but also to get away from my parents.

I find my career and my school much more interesting than any woman I have met. I certainly want kids at some point, hell that's probably the biological reason for my wanting to get laid with different women.


On a side note: Why does the media persist with the romanticizing despite marriages failing at the rate they are?

 

[Dorian6]

Because we have romanticized the concept of marriage. It's one of those things that's kind of expected in American society, so a large part of our culture is dedicated to it.

Romanticizing a thing that is obviously failing (hence the divorce rate) seems a little irrational. Then again people want emotional security, and being single is certainly the opposite.

That would be true if this were a recent phenomenon, but the fact is, this has been going on for decades. As I pointed out near the end of my post, the idealization of marriage is one of the things that has lead to the high divorce rate.

Our society has a very specific idea of how its people should live; the whole "get married, settle down, have your 2.5 kids and a dog" thing is the stereotypical American dream that has been shoved down people's throats since the early 1900's. This causes film and television writers to romanticize it, leading to young people who have the entirely wrong idea about the basis for a healthy relationship.

But I couldn't tell you what caused my country's fascination with marriage (though I assume it stems from something involving religion).

 

[badgersprite]

This whole idea of "one true love" is very ingrained into our culture right now. Basically, society teaches us that if a relationship doesn't end in marriage then it's a failure. You failed. You wasted your time. You suck at life.

Of course, I don't believe this and I couldn't get married even if I wanted to, but I understand the societal pressures, especially the pressure on women at work here. Basically everything in contemporary culture you've grown up with tells you to get married and that if you're not aiming for that you're a horrible person or an icy ***** and a slut who hates men. There's no real middle ground depicted in media.

 

[savandicus]

I've always been abit confused by the wish that many people have to get married when they arent religious. If God is unimportant to your life why are you making vows before him?

Also as far as i can tell the reason that alot of marriages fail is because people dont talk about the big things before they get married, regardless of your age if your thinking of getting married you need to talk with your significant other about children, money, the future, and stacks of other things to make sure your on the same page. Getting to 6 years of marriage and realising that one of you wants children and the other doesnt has probably screwed countless marriages that should never have happened.

 

[Pyramid Head]

Shitcoms--
Sorry, SITCOMS, are-- oh wait, i explained my stance with that joke above. Marriage is nothing special, and i think the reason it often fails is because people expect marriage to be something more than it really is. Use i'm in favor of parents marrying to give financial support to their kids, but other than that you should take your time and not put too much stress on finding a spouse. It's not like we're having underpopulation issues. I personally don't plan on getting married because i hate kids with a fucking passion.

 

[FreakSheet]

If I was to get married today I would feel tied down for no reason. I don't want to sound like a prick, but don't guys realize their potential as males?

Sorry, but as it turns out, not all people are only interested in sex approaching infinity, with partners approaching infinity. People get divorced because they either didn't love each other to begin with (ie they thought that they were marrying someone hot, now they're not) or the second it gets too hard they bail since its so easy. The concept of instant gratification doesn't apply to marriage, and that makes people think its a waste of time.

Hopefully though, the people that do have sexual relationships approaching infinity don't have kids and this way of thinking will die out.

See now that's what annoys me. Why is marriage often treated as the final destination for a loving relationship? Why bother getting married? Can anyone give me a good reason?

Well, in my opinion, if you aren't ready or mature enough to make a commitment to one person for the rest of your life, how can you be ready to have kids? Something I would argue as a larger commitment than marriage. You want to raise kids in a good home, and if you are bed hopping with a bunch of people, chances are the child will suffer from not having a mother or father figure in their life if its always changing.

Yeah I more or less agree with that. But unless i'm misunderstanding something your argument for marriage seems to be as a sort of test to see if you can handle a big commitment. That just seems a bit insubstantial to me, not saying that having children isn't a massive commitment. Just saying that if that's the sole purpose of marriage it seems a little superfluous or at least not as important as it is said to be.

Its more like you're saying "You are so special to me, and I love you so much, that I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you and only you, with the only thing that can TEAR US APART LISA! (... sorry...) is death." It is a shame some people are only in it for the good parts and not the bad, but some people just weren't ready for the commitment and hopefully didn't bring a child into it.

If you don't agree, that's fine, because the only thing dumber than trying to change someone's opinion is found on the Jersey Shore (badum-tish). I just hope if you don't agree, you have a good reasoning behind it so that you aren't a sheep, blindly following what's hip.

 

[SilentCom]

Firstly, don't watch American sitcoms or if you do, don't assume them correct. Second, our culture is different than yours and marriage is just part of it. Last, marriage rates are horrible nowadays because people don't enter marriage with the right motivation or mindset. They treat it like any other relationship that they could just mess around in and forget that marriage stresses love of the utmost commitment. If people don't want to commit, then they don't have to marry. The problem is when they do marry and not seriously commit, it makes marriage look bad.