When Uninteresting Women ATTACK! #5: It Was A Blind Date But I Wasn't Blind Enough!

[Hiraeth]

I will admit, at first I was a bit inclined to go the 'ugh, you're so shallow' route, then I thought about it and if I was set up on a blind date with a guy who not only was fairly gross, but also couldn't pick up on my 'not in a million years' signals and started getting handsy, then yeah I'd want to leave too. Kudos to you on the stealth though.

And as far as that girl's looks go, I imagine if she took better care of herself she probably wouldn't be so unattractive. I've one girl in my life whom I've thought was actually ugly, and with her it was a combination of unfortunate features and awful personality. But yeah, put in a little effort and you can make almost any physical feature work for you.

I've never been set up on a blind date, but if I ever go on one will depend mostly on which of my friends was trying to set me up, some of them I just do not trust with that sort of thing.

 

[Ultrajoe]

I think the word 'Shallow' is overused these days as a rather baseless way of saying somebody likes their prospective dates to look remotely attractive. There's nothing wrong with this, because by and by a relationship is based partly in sex and if you don't find somebody capable of rousing your mast or lubing your wallet it's just not going to fly. Accepting this, and understanding more about human relationships because of it makes you a more capable social being, a person of empathy if a slightly more jaded one. Romance, as always, dies hard.

There's a point where accepting this descends into revelling in it. At the point where one goes from sighing at the loss of a potential relationship to sneering at the very idea that(what was it, 'Hambeast'?) she considers herself capable of diving into the dating pool, one has gone to a dark place.

You explain, Simu, that this woman captured your interest online and in discussion only to fall short of your standards in the physical realm. I'm not judging those standards, by the way, I can see how you might like your dates washed and I accept your physical description as accurate for the sake of discussion. The problem is that the moment you encountered a woman so unattractive you felt compelled to mock her online, her previous qualities became null, void, and defunct. She was and is no longer even allowed to preserve her interesting conversational qualities, she is placed in a mental holding pen along with the other 'Uninteresting women' for you to prod and display. In fact, she gets the bold and engaging word 'ATTACK' scribed next to her serial number just so people know how mortally insulted you are by the suggestion she should leave her house on the off chance of encountering a fun time. Hell, the idea that she might even still be worth talking to know you know there's no chance she's worthy of stroking your soft bits is an insult to your person.

And after all this, after the de-humanising of a person for what I'm assuming is your amusement and at least a modicum of personal re-assurance, you then cloak it all in humour to legitimise the affair. I'm sure that's very reassuring to the insulted parties, whom may very well read these posts as they are placed on a public forum, to know that it's alright because they really are just a joke.

I'm not saying your disappointment was misplaced, I'm saying your handling of it by reducing another human being to a 'Hambeast' for you to file into an internet series is... pretty goddamn reprehensible. You've made five of these? Five whole threads designed to breaking a sentient entity down into bite-sized, mockable pieces, really? More importantly, you can't think of a better way to spend your time? What do you think this says about you, even more pointedly to the point?

I know I'm likely to not dent your swagger, and you've probably already got your big guns ready to blaze, so let me finish by saying that if you're ever in NSW, Australia I'd be happy to take you on one of the most interesting dates of your life.

I'll bring the goat, grapes and forty small novelty rockets.

With Love,
Ultrajoe

 

[SimuLord]

Oh man, such a meaty attempted takedown. This is going to be fun.

I think the word 'Shallow' is overused these days as a rather baseless way of saying somebody likes their prospective dates to look remotely attractive. There's nothing wrong with this, because by and by a relationship is based partly in sex and if you don't find somebody capable of rousing your mast or lubing your wallet it's just not going to fly. Accepting this, and understanding more about human relationships because of it makes you a more capable social being, a person of empathy if a slightly more jaded one. Romance, as always, dies hard.

And indeed, it's not that I'm picky, not by any real objective standard anyway. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, there's a girl I've gone on a few dates with (and indeed for the past two she's been the one who asked me "what are you doing tonight?" and I've said "Well, I was going to say 'playing Fallout', but I think I'll change my answer to 'going out with Jess' if you're free too...") who a shallow man probably wouldn't give a second look to because she's not "traditionally hot"---indeed she runs a shade over 220 on a 5'8 frame, but she's got a cute face and a dynamite personality that I adore to the point where if I thought she'd accept, I'd ask her to be my girlfriend.

I think "shallow" is being a tad harsh when my track record shows I'm actually quite friendly and welcoming to the opposite sex, even those that a shallow person would reject out of hand.

There's a point where accepting this descends into revelling in it. At the point where one goes from sighing at the loss of a potential relationship to sneering at the very idea that(what was it, 'Hambeast'?) she considers herself capable of diving into the dating pool, one has gone to a dark place.

You explain, Simu, that this woman captured your interest online and in discussion only to fall short of your standards in the physical realm. I'm not judging those standards, by the way, I can see how you might like your dates washed and I accept your physical description as accurate for the sake of discussion. The problem is that the moment you encountered a woman so unattractive you felt compelled to mock her online, her previous qualities became null, void, and defunct.

Once again, there exists a very fine line between being friendly and accommodating and having no standards at all. And indeed, when this woman is very clearly hell bent on being amorous with me, it's hard to keep my lunch down. Any chance she had of cultivating a friendship with me went out the window with her Pepe Le Pew act.

She was and is no longer even allowed to preserve her interesting conversational qualities, she is placed in a mental holding pen along with the other 'Uninteresting women' for you to prod and display. In fact, she gets the bold and engaging word 'ATTACK' scribed next to her serial number just so people know how mortally insulted you are by the suggestion she should leave her house on the off chance of encountering a fun time. Hell, the idea that she might even still be worth talking to know you know there's no chance she's worthy of stroking your soft bits is an insult to your person.

Again. Violate my personal space like she seemed intent on doing and you've crossed the line. Had she simply picked up on my very obvious lack of physical interest, I'd quite possibly have added her to my list of friends and cool people to talk to.

I will admit this---your response to "ATTACK" and the use of the term 'serial number' gave me a chuckle. Besides the very obvious fact of a frequently-trafficked web forum needing something resembling a "hook" in the topic title (the same thread entitled "So I went on a blind date and it didn't work out..." may very well have died on the vine) and the obvious measure of satire (although according to Kuliani at least, satire is not allowed on the Escapist) inherent in naming a recurring feature after "When Animals Attack" (or, if you're a fan of Lemon Demon, "When Robots Attack"), there's the simple fact that (as Altorin put it) "I like how you've turned your love life into a Let's Play." For the most part, readers like it. And as a writer yourself, you should at least understand the driving motivation behind writing something that the audience will enjoy.

And after all this, after the de-humanising of a person for what I'm assuming is your amusement and at least a modicum of personal re-assurance,

Amusement? Guilty as charged. Personal re-assurance? I have better places in life to find validation for my existence, thanks. The Internet is flattering itself if it thinks it has that power. All that's being "re-assured" is my faith in my ability to write stories that people like to read while simultaneously fueling discussion on a web forum. The validation for me comes as a writer, not as a man.

you then cloak it all in humour to legitimise the affair. I'm sure that's very reassuring to the insulted parties, whom may very well read these posts as they are placed on a public forum, to know that it's alright because they really are just a joke.

If you think this is bad, you should see my Facebook. Or maybe not. Because the notion that 175 people THERE stick around for my cavalcade of madness live and in real time might make your head a splode.

I'm not saying your disappointment was misplaced, I'm saying your handling of it by reducing another human being to a 'Hambeast' for you to file into an internet series is... pretty goddamn reprehensible. You've made five of these? Five whole threads designed to breaking a sentient entity down into bite-sized, mockable pieces, really? More importantly, you can't think of a better way to spend your time? What do you think this says about you, even more pointedly to the point?

What does it say about me? That if crazy things follow me everywhere I go, I may as well chronicle them. That I'm getting better at this after five installments and really starting to find a voice with this stuff (I went back and read "People to Do in Denver When You're Dead" again---episode 2---and mainly thought "man, I could've done a LOT better writing that!" and kicked myself a little because that was a juicy story about a truly screwy girl)? That I really, really enjoy writing content that people laugh at and that makes me something of an avatar protagonist for people whose own dating life is full of foibles and disasters to the point where maybe they're like "well, I thought I had it bad..."

As a writer I love to venture out onto the fringes of decency and see what's there. You may find it reprehensible, but this probably only demonstrates that you're a better person than me. Which, frankly, isn't a particularly difficult goal to achieve since I am by all reasonable accounts the kind of guy a girl thinks twice about bringing home to her mother...and I'm OK with that. I gotta be me.

I know I'm likely to not dent your swagger, and you've probably already got your big guns ready to blaze,

Never send a big gun to do a sniper rifle's job. And as for my swagger, I'm glad you acknowledge it as a sight to behold, since it means that for me, I really am where I want to be as far as that little touch of arrogance that means everything's right in my world is concerned. It's when the swagger fades that my friends start really worrying about me and saying stuff like "we miss the old Fox, hope you feel better, friend!"

so let me finish by saying that if you're ever in NSW, Australia I'd be happy to take you on one of the most interesting dates of your life.

Get in line.

I'll bring the goat, grapes and forty small novelty rockets.

And I'll bring the sock puppet and the chocolate chip cookies.

With Love,
Ultrajoe

In Soviet Russia Reply Posts You,
Fox

 

[Aerodyamic]

Does having been a wing-man of near professional skill count as blind-dating? I jumped on a few grenades and slew a few dragons for buddies, at the ends of some nights of solid drinking.

 

[SimuLord]

Does having been a wing-man of near professional skill count as blind-dating? I jumped on a few grenades and slew a few dragons for buddies, at the ends of some nights of solid drinking.

I salute you, mighty wingman. Takin' one for the team so your buddy can live the dream.

 

[Booze Zombie]

Life's full of interesting people man and not all of them are visually pleasing.
That said, beauty is subjective.
There are people who think 30 stone women are the hottest thing since lava.

Anyway, I've never bothered with a relationship with anyone and I find I'm starting to simultaneously regret and enjoy that fact.

 

[SimuLord]

Life's full of interesting people man and not all of them are visually pleasing.
That said, beauty is subjective.
There are people who think 30 stone women are the hottest thing since lava.

Anyway, I've never bothered with a relationship with anyone and I find I'm starting to simultaneously regret and enjoy that fact.

Once you venture up to 30 stone you need a new unit of measure.

30 st = 1 Fucking Rock Of Gibraltar (or "FROG" for short.) So you can say "stone my ass, she weighed a frog."

 

[Booze Zombie]

Once you venture up to 30 stone you need a new unit of measure.

30 st = 1 Fucking Rock Of Gibraltar (or "FROG" for short.) So you can say "stone my ass, she weighed a frog."

That would certainly lead to some interesting conversations, probably with people trying to decipher the meaning of FROG, I imagine.

Anyway, my main point was that beauty is subjective; I for instance, would love a strong woman who could throw me around and tell me what to do, some other might want an idiot with huge breasts he can just push his face into after a hard days work.

That said, from your comical description of this woman, she'll be hard-pressed to find someone but it's as I said to a friend of mine before: "Mate, you see ugly couples all over the place."

 

[AMMO Kid]

My friend went on a blind date about a month ago, and it went really well. He almost screwed up by talking to the wrong girl though haha

 

[Ultrajoe]

Oh man, such a meaty attempted takedown. This is going to be fun.

I'm not attempting anything in the way of a takedown, I'm trying to point out that what you're doing is socially unhealthy and cruel.

I think "shallow" is being a tad harsh when my track record shows I'm actually quite friendly and welcoming to the opposite sex, even those that a shallow person would reject out of hand.

I quite pointedly spelled out why I think the word 'Shallow' does not apply here, and then carefully did not accuse you of being even slightly evaporated. I get that you didn't like this person because of how they look and behave, I understand why you wouldn't. When you turn your distaste into a public sport or 'Let's Play' as you say, you don't see where that becomes an issue?

Once again, there exists a very fine line between being friendly and accommodating and having no standards at all. And indeed, when this woman is very clearly hell bent on being amorous with me, it's hard to keep my lunch down. Any chance she had of cultivating a friendship with me went out the window with her Pepe Le Pew act.

Forget cultivating a friendship, I'm more concerned that if a person lacks social graces (critical ones included) and you happen to be watching them devolve, in your head-space, into an opportunity for group jeering. If you're wondering what it is I mean when I keep saying 'Socially unhealthy' or 'Irresponsible', it's this. When people (not just you) write things like this you are validating and supporting this behavior and mindset. It's a bad one, incidentally. If you ever wonder why media and social media are so stuffed with infuriatingly bullshit programming and presentation, it's largely because it's easy to get attention by being... underhanded.

You are being unpleasant in the manner described here.

I will admit this---your response to "ATTACK" and the use of the term 'serial number' gave me a chuckle. Besides the very obvious fact of a frequently-trafficked web forum needing something resembling a "hook" in the topic title (the same thread entitled "So I went on a blind date and it didn't work out..." may very well have died on the vine) and the obvious measure of satire (although according to Kuliani at least, satire is not allowed on the Escapist) inherent in naming a recurring feature after "When Animals Attack" (or, if you're a fan of Lemon Demon, "When Robots Attack"), there's the simple fact that (as Altorin put it) "I like how you've turned your love life into a Let's Play." For the most part, readers like it. And as a writer yourself, you should at least understand the driving motivation behind writing something that the audience will enjoy.

I get that writing to an audience is important, I also think that writing responsibly is a big part of making the world a more chummy place. You know my opinions of what you wrote, so if I take a step back for a moment; at what point did (And it has, widely, not just in your threads) public jeering become something people enjoy and accept? Was it when so many people could read the insults that the individual acts of dehumanization became irrelevant?

I gathered your title was designed to invoke 'Animals Attack' connotations, I needn't tell you my opinions of further implying the less-than-human nature of your ill-fated date. I also gathered your title was designed to entice and arouse the interest of passers by. I know this works, I also know that constructing pull lines in this manner is unhealthy writing practice both ethically and technically.

And do you think the reason Kuliani dislikes your satire (I do not know the context of his comment, the following is speculation) might be because what you understand to be satirical ventures into the sadistic without you noting the shift?

Amusement? Guilty as charged. Personal re-assurance? I have better places in life to find validation for my existence, thanks. The Internet is flattering itself if it thinks it has that power. All that's being "re-assured" is my faith in my ability to write stories that people like to read while simultaneously fueling discussion on a web forum. The validation for me comes as a writer, not as a man.

For your existence, no, I don't think you need the help validating that. However, the style of these articles and the formulaic manner in which you sterilize any of your own emotional involvement isn't exactly healthy. If you really wanted to write interesting articles, why do you only use real-life influences rather than establishing a serial narrative? Your facebook page, you say, is home to a real-time externalization of your life for people you (I assume) know in real life.

Imagine our positions were reversed, do you think what I'm hypothetically doing is healthy? I'm not questioning your manhood or social skills, or even how you like to discuss your life, what I am doing is seriously questioning the motives behind writing threads like these. You say it's for humor, but the catalyst is the event, not the other way around.

As a writer I love to venture out onto the fringes of decency and see what's there. You may find it reprehensible, but this probably only demonstrates that you're a better person than me. Which, frankly, isn't a particularly difficult goal to achieve since I am by all reasonable accounts the kind of guy a girl thinks twice about bringing home to her mother...and I'm OK with that. I gotta be me.

In the context of you as an author I'd change my original accusation to be 'Irresponsible', rather than reprehensible.

Never send a big gun to do a sniper rifle's job. And as for my swagger, I'm glad you acknowledge it as a sight to behold, since it means that for me, I really am where I want to be as far as that little touch of arrogance that means everything's right in my world is concerned. It's when the swagger fades that my friends start really worrying about me and saying stuff like "we miss the old Fox, hope you feel better, friend!"

It irks me that the thing I dislike most about this paragraph is your assumption that a sniper rifle is not a big gun.

so let me finish by saying that if you're ever in NSW, Australia I'd be happy to take you on one of the most interesting dates of your life.

Get in line.

I only do group sex by appointment. Or if there's a Redhead in the bunch.

 

[Chiasm]

Only advice I have is to never ever go on a blind date when it is from a friend, Or a friends girl/boyfriend. About 90% of the time it is due to them feeling guilty that they are spending time with someone else or if it's your friends girl/boyfriend that they are taking time from your friendship.

So the brilliant idea in their head to not feel guilty anymore is getting you a boy/girlfriend. However, The only person they know that is still single and will go out with anyone is A.Psycho B.Ugly or C. Bitter and divorced(The worst in my opinion) sometimes even all three if fate really hates you. Your better off meeting someone a online dating site who is local and setting up dates yourself.

Only blind date I have gone on was a complete failure in the first five minutes. Apparently my friend "forgot" to mention that I am deaf so one of the first things out of his mouth was, "Why don't you talk?, are you deaf or something" it was like watching the Hindenburg in slow motion.

P.S Only thing I really think is in poor taste is if you really did just call a cab and ditched her at the restaurant. I mean no one likes being stood up but being in mid date and finding out by the staff that your date left you, that's pretty cruel.

 

[Dr. Pepper Unlimited]

I've never been on a blind date before. My friends no better than to do that to me, so it wouldn't happen. That's one hell of a story, Simulord.

 

[delvin313]

I have to admit, I laughed when I read the part about taking her up in a balloon so she could hit all the branches of the ugly tree a second time. The bottom line- everyone has their own criteria. Whatever they may be, they are valid and we are not here to judge Simulord, or anyone else's criteria.

OT: I have never been on a blind date. My two best friends really wanted to set me up with one of their friends, and I actually asked her out on my own. That was a disaster anyway. Moral of the story- be adventurous, make your own decisions. Its worth it.

 

[Sentox6]

Some people have been hit with the ugly stick.

Other people have been strapped to the front of a truck and driven through the forest where ugly sticks grow.

 

[Treah]

Your quote about people on facebook not having there picture there is unfounded and without merit. Many people will not put there picture on facebook for various reasons not including the total lack of security that facebook has and for stalkers. Many people I know have facebook pages with totally wrong information (like myself) because all my real life friends know my real info anyway. I don't need random strangers to use my image to do illegal things and quite honestly I encourage people not to use social networking sites. Personal information has no place on the internet.

 

[Altorin]

Never is my custom title more readily apparent than when my friends try and set me up on blind dates. And never is the fact that I'm a sucker and an idiot more apparent than when I accept. A case in point happened recently (as in about six weeks ago, but I'd put this little "dating Let's Play" on hold then.)

Anyway, a friend of mine with a boyfriend wanted to do a little New Year's Eve double date, but her friend couldn't find a date for the occasion. So, knowing that I'm single and also knowing that I'll date almost anybody once, she arranged first via Facebook and later via phone calls for me to get to know her friend in advance of a potential date.

Now, my first clue that something was horribly, horribly amiss should've been immediately self-evident from the girl's Facebook profile. Usually, if someone's profile picture is pictures of flowers or cartoon characters or It's Happy Bunny, that's a sign they are either very private in nature or that they've got something to hide from the world. So that should've been my first sign.

But no matter---the girl was funny, well-spoken, reasonably intelligent, and as time went on during the four days or so between the introduction and the actual date I was like "hey, maybe some good will come of this."

Until I saw her. I have been on this earth a long time and I have seen a lot of people in my day. And I can say without a trace of sarcasm, irony, or embellishment that this chick was absolutely, positively, about as ugly as it's possible to be without being reclassified as some other primate species. 5'3 and at least 250 pounds, hair that looked like it hadn't been washed since Bill Clinton was still president, and the kind of hook nose that made me think "the only way I know she's not a witch is that there can't possibly be a duck out there that fat, can there?" It really is hard for me to adequately describe the depths of her beyond saying that "she fell out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, then someone took her up in a hot air balloon until they were over the ugly tree and dropped her over the side of the basket so she could have another trip through the branches."

I was polite---like I said, the girl has a nice enough personality---but when she started trying to get amorous and took my lack of interest as a horrible personal insult, I excused myself to the bathroom, whipped out my cell phone, and called a cab. Nice but aesthetically unappealing is one thing, but I'll be damned if I'm going to have someone like that making romantic advances at me. I later told my other friend "what the fuck were you thinking? You want to set her up on another blind date, get Stevie Wonder on the phone. Don't pull that shit on me."

For Discussion! Have you ever been set up on a blind date? And was it a disaster? Or did some good actually come of it?

In all seriousness, was her name Melissa? Because I think I dated her for 2 years.

 

[Altorin]

Your quote about people on facebook not having there picture there is unfounded and without merit. Many people will not put there picture on facebook for various reasons not including the total lack of security that facebook has and for stalkers. Many people I know have facebook pages with totally wrong information (like myself) because all my real life friends know my real info anyway. I don't need random strangers to use my image to do illegal things and quite honestly I encourage people not to use social networking sites. Personal information has no place on the internet.

He didn't say it was a deal breaker. Clearly he tried to go out with her. But it IS a warning sign.