Where does your self-esteem come from?

[isometry]

At first I sought self-esteem through accomplishments, especially at university. This was very useful for my career and led to becoming a theoretical physicist, but in retrospect the accomplishments did not really increase my self-esteem.

More valuable was studying philosophy and meditation, because these activities changed me into a more likeable person. I became less judgemental, more consistent and deliberate in my thoughts and actions.

Now my self-esteem comes from being in a position of fundamentally liking myself, and also being satisfied by my accomplishments. I don't think it would have worked out as well if I just did philosophy without advanced training in mathematics; in Plato's republic, he recommends advanced study in science and math for several years before beginning the study of philosophy, and I think that is a good way, though perhaps not the only way.

Edit: I am a libertarian when it comes to judging others. I think every lifestyle is equally good (I believe someone who donates their time to disadvantaged children is just as good of a person as a man-child who plays video games on his Mom's couch all day; the person helping children is much more useful and deserves to be paid more, but he is not a better person).

As an ethical libertarian, I accept any lifestyle that does not infringe on the personal freedom of others. Drug users are fine, prostitutes are fine, religion is fine, atheism is fine, gays are fine, furries are fine, etc. The only things that are not fine involve violence or coercion of unwilling people - and minors or invalids who can't necessarily make responsible decisions for themselves are a special case.

 

[Phasmal]

My self-esteem comes from being nice.

Doing nice things for other people makes me feel good about myself, I'm not saying I dont think I'm better than some people sometimes, but it doesn't last as long.

And I tend to only feel like I am better than really horrible people.

 

[TophatEmperor]

my Self-esteem come from the high praise from my friends and Server Staff

I enjoy the attention from them and it powers my ego

 

[Odbarc]

I have no self esteem.

 

[Special_Agent_Goodwrench]

I think it comes from caring about dear to my heart people, and being cared for by them in return...

I'm a symbiotic creature.

 

[IamQ]

I think he's right, but only to an extent. One can have a high self-esteem from looking down on others, yes, but could one not also have high self-esteem by simply not giving a damn about others? Those kinds of people can see themselves as great people, but not look down on others because, as I said before, they do not care about what they think.

Though, to answer the title, my self esteem would not come from looking down on others, but more from when I impress others. When I'm just being myself, and still manage to leave an impression on people, that's when my self-esteem is on the top. "Haters gonna hate" as the phrase goes, being yourself, and not giving a damn about anyone else, unless it's something positive. I think it's just sad and silly to think of your self as someone "better" than others.

 

[Sonicron]

The way I see it, all self-esteem is ultimately governed by the ingrained competitive drive of our species, and I'm no exception to this. My self-esteem is mainly derived from my physical strength (i.e. feeling more powerful than an average person) and my firm belief that, as opposed to me, at least 90% of my fellow human beings are space-wasting idiots (i.e. perceived superiority of intellect).

 

[trooper6]

Self-esteem works that way from *some* people, but not all people.

I recommend reading theorist Theodor Adorno's book "The Authoritarian Personality." In that book he distinguishes between nationalism and patriotism. He defines nationalism as love/esteem value of one's in-group being dependent on hatred/looking down on an out-group. The Nazi fellow you described, for example ("Germans are great because Jews are bad.") He defines patriotism as love/esteem value of one's in-group without reference to an outside group ("Germans are great because of the works of Goethe, Beethoven...and also the Alps")

I do not get my self-esteem by looking down on other people. I get my self-esteem through my deeds. For example, I'm a great teacher. That gives me self-esteem. My skills as a teacher are reinforced through my positive interactions with my students. I don't need to be a better teacher than other people. I don't even think about other people's teaching in connection to mine. What makes me happy is that I teach well. I know that I teach well through positive feedback. I get self-esteem through the fact that I sing well and play the banjo well. There are a gazillion people who are better than I am. But that doesn't matter to me. I'm not comparing myself to them. I compare myself to myself and to the reactions from my audiences. I'm a people pleaser and a care-taker, so I also get self-esteem by making other people happy.

Because of how I work (through positive interaction and feedback), I make a point to give other people positive reinforcement as much as possible.

I think about this in terms of sports. There are people who have to beat other people to feel like they've accomplished something...but that is not the only way sports work. I have really enjoyed rock climbing, for example. In rock climbing, I don't get value by saying--"yeah! I'm a better rock climber that you!" I don't think about other people. I think about my own challenges and my own successes. If I climb to the top of a hill, I feel great. Or if I climb higher than I did last time, I feel great.

When I'm doing a more competitive sport, like Rapier fighting, I don't get my charge by beating someone, I get my charge from becoming better. If you beat me in a match, but I have learned something? Or I fought really well? I get self-esteem. If I beat you in a bout, but it was really easy and I dominated you? I get no self-esteem. It makes me feel like a bully and makes me feel diminished.

When I played soccer, I'd rather the team lose, but play beautifully and with great teamwork, than win in a non-harmonious way.

So...not everyone works the way your professor has described it. Now, if you are one of those folks who operates in a power over sort of way, it probably is important for you to think that everyone works that way. But not everyone does.

If you work that way....that's cool, do your thing. I recognize that it can be a great motivator for people who work that way when everyone involved is partaking in that process consensually. But being around people who work that way tends to be toxic to me, so I tend to avoid people who operate that way. Not because I think those people are bad or that I'm better than them, but because we are incompatible.

For all I know, many of the sorts of people who operate in the way I do similarly avoid folks who work in the opposite way. So it may be that if you operation on a power over method you rarely see people who don't

 

[Vern5]

Snipology

Your professor does have the right idea for a majority of people who have self-esteem. However, this does not account for those people who have gone along in their lives without a large degree of self-esteem. Some people just sort of roll over and assume that they are shit. They are still functional human beings, just very meek.

Personally, my self-esteem comes from not giving a shit. I'm inclined to do and say ridiculous things in front of people because I know in my heart of hearts than anything I do or say will be quickly forgotten in the short term and completely forgotten in the grand scheme of things. Despair and the acceptance of death has become my stand in for confidence. But that's just me. I'm sure there are plenty of sane people around here who just go for the superiority thing.

 

[Hiroshi Mishima]

My current philosopher teacher has recently argued that for the majority of human beings, the normal/average human, their self-esteem is derived from looking down on others.

P.S As a side discussion (if anyone wants to talk about this also) I also wanted to ask people how true this argument is as well. "To the average human, to be different is to be wrong."

Both of those are actually fairly visible within society, although no necessarily within individuals. The problem with society is that society assumes everyone is on the same page and will blindly push what it feels to be "normal" no matter how impossible, ridiculous or unhealthy it is. Breast implants, smoking, being a size 2, having a big dick, and so forth.

Unfortunately, far too many people actually do fall into society's way of thinking because of that "being different is bad/wrong" mantra that society itself represents. There's nothing wrong with being sociable, there's nothing wrong with being part of a community, but when you start letting the "whole" dictate how you think or act, that's when you run into issues like this. The irony, however, is that if you DO go against the "norm" in a negative way.. such as being a rapist, being a pedophile, eating red meat, doing pot.. you're classified as evil and/or persecuted against. Now, I'm not advocating murder or criminal acts or violence. What I'm saying is that the door doesn't swing both ways, which may or may not be the cause of these problems where people blindly follow the trend without thinking.

Please, by all means, continue to stay with the crowd as far as morals go, because morality shouldn't BE a mob mentality and we should all know that raping and going GTA in an actual car (running over people, drive-by-ing, etc) is bad. But you will have people shouting about double standards or whatever.


As for myself? I actually don't think I'm a good person, despite friends and family frequently telling me otherwise. My reasoning is usually because of the stuff I've seen or done myself, hell even being Human is kind of a bad thing in my eyes cause I see Humanity in general as something bad (considering all the horrible things people do, get away with, etc). I know my friends and family are right, however, and that I'm not at fault cause other people have done things, or because I'm not always super-nice or instantly-forgiving.

My self-esteem comes largely from my ex-girlfriend and my sister but others contribute, too.

 

[Mr.Squishy]

It doesn't.
I'd say nothing more and let brevity stay as the soul of my comment, but mods frown upon that.

 

[Kolby Jack]

So I'm relatively interested in how the majority of the Escapist will honestly answer this question.

My current philosopher teacher has recently argued that for the majority of human beings, the normal/average human, their self-esteem is derived from looking down on others.

The story given as an example to this is the story of a young man who has yet to really find a sense of "identity" or "purpose" in the world. Then this young man meets someone who is essentially a nazi. The nazi convinces the young man that Jewish people are the root of all things evil in this world, and the young man, as a blond haired blue-eyed Christian, decides to accept this belief as truth.

Now the young man has both identity and purpose in his life. This is because he can now view himself as someone who hates Jewish people, and his purpose in life has become to eliminate the perceived evil in the world.

He can now feel better about himself because he can now look down and hate on Jewish people. However, it isn't only the negative action of hating itself that motivates the young man. By hating Jewish people as inferior people, he is also simultaneously putting himself above them as an elite group.

The most dangerous part about this kind of separation and hatred is the fact that he was born into the "elite" group that he now places himself in. He can believe that he was simply born a better person as opposed to actually having to do anything.

I imagine the young man would probably feel very good about himself in terms of self-esteem.

Anyway the point of the story was to point out how the average person tends to acquire both self-esteem and purpose in life, although I know that example can be viewed as an extreme example.

So my question to you, Escapists, is there anyway to honestly raise your self-esteem without putting down someone else, whether it is a group or an individual.

Is there a way against the formula "In order to call X good, you must say that X is better than Y"?

P.S As a side discussion (if anyone wants to talk about this also) I also wanted to ask people how true this argument is as well. "To the average human, to be different is to be wrong."

No offense if you like the guy, but your professor seems to have an extremely cynical view of people. To answer his question, I find self esteem to be a waste of time because most people equate it with pride. I do my best to practice humility, and thus have what I think to be a very realistic view of myself. I make mistakes, and I learn from them. I'm far from worthless, but I'm not special. And I certainly have no right to look down on others just to make myself feel good. If I look down on others, I do so only because they damn sure deserve it, and I get no joy from it; I only pity them. If your professor thinks this is just a lie I tell myself, I don't really care.

 

[Sacman]

No where... I don't have any...<.<

 

[Jedamethis]

Having people pay attention to me. On my own, only I can like myself, and I've no way of knowing that I'm needed or wanted or anything. I get down sometimes then. And then the more people pay attention to me, the more confident and courageous I get.
So yeah, I gain my powers from the attention of other people.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

Is it so much as looking down on others, or reaffirming your self worth? You would feel pretty shitty all the time if you thought you were good for nothing, and that there was no point being there... that's what self-esteem is, feeling good about yorself, and finding that reason to push on...

Looking down on others is just a negative way of saying that you dwell on your strengths as a person! Of course they are the same thing, its just perspective!

 

[Professor Idle]

I thinm everyone believes on some level they're smarter than most people, even if they have a reputation for being dumb, it becomes "I'm a different kind of smart, or I have the most common sense, or I'm less naive, etc."

I tend not to have great esteem, if you hang out on the internet where people complain about pretty much every type of personaility, I tend to end up trying to please them, whether it be not to say a certain phrase, or make bad jokes, or like certain things and not others.I guess the only thing to say about that is you can't please everyone, especially on the internet.

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

No where... I don't have any...<.<

Ditto. I know that feel man...I need another drink...

 

[BehattedWanderer]

Personally, I find psychology to be one of the greatest avenues for self appreciation. Specifically, Maslow's particular brand of psychology. Self fulfillment, and working towards self fulfillment, whatever that means for you, will make you better about yourself, by the simple premise of you actively making yourself better. By analyzing myself, and adapting my life to the dynamic structures around it, trying to stay ahead of the worst of it, I can keep myself going. Couple this with a Hegelian concept of things forever turning towards something good with an Epicurean philosophy in terms of how I think and act, and I am easily able to feel great about myself.

Also helps to have an awesome hat, and an eye-catching vest, and a phenomenal sense of humor. Being 200 lbs at 6'2" and fairly handsome doesn't hurt, either.

P.S As a side discussion (if anyone wants to talk about this also) I also wanted to ask people how true this argument is as well. "To the average human, to be different is to be wrong."

We all want some aspect of what everybody is supposedly inclined to want. For example, we want a mate, someone to share ourselves with, in whatever capacity. It's how we achieve such things that cause us to be different. If you find a mate by meeting them in a nice place, under fun circumstances, and the two of you enjoy conventional means of sharing each other in body, mind, and soul, you will find this method to be good.

Conversely, if I find my mate by accidentally hitting them with my car, staying with them through the hospital not out of worry but because they're looking hot as hell with that new pattern of scars on their body, take them out to a party where we both get universal on some wonderful drugs, then go out and paint our love onto a wall with combustible materials before lighting that sumbitch up in flames and laughing about it while the cops take us to the chair, you might find yourself thinking our process is wrong. But, this is just subjective on your part. To us, and our love permanently seared onto that wall in the charred residue left behind, your way could be anything from 'wrong' to 'incomplete', and we could see our way as right. Right and wrong are changing metrics that variety from time to time, society to society, age range to age range, and culture to culture. There is no objective right or wrong, there is only what you decided to make of it.