Why can I not forgive this person for what happened?

[ddrmatt]

Hello there. Something has happened over the weekend, and I am having trouble coming to terms with it.

Over the weekend, a friend of mine turned 18 and threw a house party for our group of friends, there is about 14 of us.

One person in our group, suffers from some depression, and on this night, he has an episode.
At one point, he was insulting a close friend of mine, and I told him kindly fuck off. He then screamed in my ear and I said it to him again, this time a little less kindly.

At this point another friend of mine jumped in and told him to calm down. He then preceded to say "Screw you both" and jumped up went into the kitchen and came out wielding a knife. Told me he was going to kill me, and started to walk at me. My other friend grabbed the knife, and held it to his back, about 1 inch away from his spine, but dropped it on the floor.

He then grabbed another knife, tried to lock himself in the bathroom, and commit suicide. Which was stopped, when someone else decked him in the face and he then stormed out the house.

I looked up to this person like a brother before today. I respected, trusted, and well, loved him like one of my best friends. Now he has gone and pulled something like this. I cannot forgive him for it.

I just need to know, if I am being too harsh on him, for the fact that I cannot forgive him, or myself if anything happened to anyone during this mini standoff.

Thanks for reading I guess.

 

[Irridium]

Have you tried talking to him after this? Maybe try to figure out what set him off?

Sounds like he has lots of issues. Might do a bit of good to talk to him. Just keep him away from sharp objects, I guess.

 

[neoptolemus]

It would help to have some kind of context for his outburst. If it was spontaneously, out of the blue, then yeah he's being an ass. But if he's going through some traumatic and emotional times and/or suffering from clinical depression then he deserves some lee-way. Best thing to do is to talk through the incident with him. Talking often helps.

 

[vault69]

Ya definitely talking to him might do a good amount of healing between the two of you.
Who knows, you might learn something about him you would never have realized.

I was in a similar situation but my friend wasn't mad at me. I talked to him about it and I found out something (personal) I never knew about him.

 

[emeraldrafael]

Hunh, he's lucky you guys were there. my friends and i would have let him.


anyway, I would say you cnt forgive him for sommething subconscious in you. as for him, I dont know what to say. I beleive depression cant be helped unless you meet it head on, but thats just me.

 

[The_Yeti]

Too Harsh? Not at all, Don't Feed the Emo, he did it for attention, and deserves a bitchslapping from everything from a catholic nun to a S&M queen.

 

[Phlakes]

That's what antidepressants are for. And therapists. Sounds like he needs a lot of both.

 

[Nudu]

Sounds like he has some issues

 

[MasterOfWorlds]

I used to be friends with a guy a little bit like that. Although the reason I'm not friends with him anymore is because of his serious drug problem, and not his psychological issues.

Best thing to do is talk to him. If he's still being a pain in the ass, ditch him. Honestly, it's not worth being around someone that's willing to hurt you, your friends, and themselves, even if it is in a moment of relative weakness due to psychological issues.

My friend came at me from behind and slightly to my right with a stick (we were outside) and all I saw was that he had something in his hand, which I assumed was a knife (he was coming at me with it like it was). I took that stick out of his hand and almost snapped his arm in the process. He's lucky I saw that it was only a stick, or I'd probably have killed him with the knife I thought he was coming at me with.

 

[MelasZepheos_v1legacy]

If he genuinely is depressive, diagnosed by an actual medical professional, then there were certainly better ways to deal with it initially. It sounds like, the way you are describing it, that he was going through a depressive episode, which I know from experience can cause suicidial, irrational, and often anti-social and antagonistic behaviour. When someone is in this state, the worst possible thing to do is to basically ignore their pain. Telling them to fuck off, however kindly, was perhaps the worst thing you could have done in this situation short of punching him in the face.

As for everyone who'll jump straight to saying he should have been on anti-depressants, that's a whole other kettle of fish. For one thing there are lots of medications, some of which don't work on everyone, all of which can have pretty extreme side effects, and for a lot of people there are mental exercises which you can be taught to prevent you from going too far off the deep end. It's ntirely possible he was on medication and it wasn't working, the combination with alcohol probably doing nothing to help this situation, or he wasn't on medication for personal or clinical reasons.

I am a manic depressive, so slightly different in that I also have periods of intense activity and recklessness, but I don't take medication. I did for a while when I was first diagnosed but I didn't respond well to it. Eventually I learned a whole series of coping mechanisms that help me to deal with the day to day but the worse periods are always there.

Anyway, without knowing if he was actually diagnosed most of the above is largely pointless. If he isn't diagnosed, he's just being a prat and has no excuse, if he has genuine depression, you really should have handled it better and have no excuse.

 

[delvin313]

If he has clinical depression, then you should have been better about it. Whether you understand him or not is besides the point. You know he is going through something right now, so if you are actually friends then you should be supportive of him. If you are just acquaintances, which sounds more likely to me, then you will likely cut off ties with him.

Depression is serious and he probably is not acting himself right now. Help him, or ditch him, but sure as heck don't confront him - you are not helping.

 

[ddrmatt]

Just to clear up some points. I didnt know he has depression at time of this event occuring. Now he messaged me, that he has been dealing with diagnosed clinical depression. but when this happened, I didnt know.

 

[Korolev]

Your friend sounds incredibly unstable. He grabbed a knife? Then he threatened people with it? That's a crime, and an incredibly stupid and dangerous thing to do. If he has a mental illness, then recommend him for treatment. But seeing as it is just depression, you should have reported him to the police for threatening violence. If it happened as you say it did, then you are lucky no one was hurt badly or even killed.

So yeah: if he does it next time, call the cops. He either needs to be in treatment or in jail. He's dangerous whether or not he has a mental illness, and he needs to either be helped or locked up or, at the very least, informed that his actions were improper.

I'd stay away from him if I were you. Good people don't pull knives on others, except in self-defense. That is the ONLY time it is acceptable to use violence. If he tried to stab someone or threaten to stab someone for any other reason than self-defense, he's not a good person.

 

[Doclector]

Something's gone incredibly wrong up in his mind, i'd say. Talk to him at some point, but not alone. Isolation will make him worse, but if he is already at this stage then precautions must be taken.

 

[jedisensei]

Let me answer your question with a question: how much do you care to help this person?

You looked up to and respected an image, not the person -- a false image, as it turns out. It's OK to no longer be friends with someone who reveals another part of themselves which you simply will not tolerate in anyone.

At the same time, if this person was a close friend and brother, do you not -- image or no -- try to nurse them through their illness (and an illness it is)? Is that not what a close friend and brother does? There is no weakness in forgiving, though you'd be wise not to forget what you've learned...

To close with another question, in which way are either -- or perhaps both -- of you better served: by severing ties or remaining together?

 

[JB1528]

In all honesty I would've just beat the shit out of him once he started yelling in my ear but that's just me. Also if he came at me with a knife and threatened to kill me I would've cut him out of my life completely. I wouldn't forgive him either.

 

[Kapol]

Hmm... let's see, he threatened your life, yelled at you and your friend, then tried to kill himself before storming out of the house. I don't blame you for not forgiving him, but it really sounds like he needs to go get professional help. It seems like he's absolutely desperate for attention, and that could lead him getting even worse if he doesn't see someone about it.

But no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd say avoid talking to him for a while, as one of you would likely get angry. And if that happens, I would worry that it might make him try to commit suicide again with maybe more success if he's alone. It seriously sounds like the best thing to do is try to get him some help.