Why do I think this book i'm writing is turning out bad?

[DefunctTheory]

Turns out the guy is 14.

Seriously?

God damn it.

 

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

Alrighty, constructive criticism.
I'll ignore grammatical and spelling errors, because they're problems that are easily fixed. Instead, I'll pick out passages I think need work, and try and contribute some tips on writing in general, as well.

John was in love long before World War III started, and his life was only kept together by his love, his parents died at a young age. He took place in one of the bloodies battles of the invasion, and lived to tell his heroic tale, though he kept it mostly to himself, not wanting to be honored when so many others gave their lives.

This paragraph that describes John paints him as a pretty cliché character. I know that it's a summary, but it could still use a bit of work. The determined, selfless and stalwart defender of the land is kind of overused these days. I'm not suggesting that you have to give your character an interesting twist - although it might help - but rather that in order to overcome the cliché, you're going to want to really flesh out his character. Make him as real and lifelike as possible. Why is he fighting? Is he simply a man to do as he's told? Is he fighting for the love of his nation? Has he ever considered that he might be fighting a losing battle, and that surrender to stop the bloodshed might not be the better option?
Also, try never to dump that much information on a reader during the actual story - let it come out slowly, through the words and actions of the characters, rather than through narrative exposition.

Anyway, onto the battles themselves. Action sequences are actually surprisingly difficult to write, because you're trying to portray what's happening cleanly and effectively, without muddling your writing. Try and set the scene by describing the scenery, so we have a rough idea of what the battlefield looks like.

""Prepare yourself. The convoy will be here in 30 seconds." Lieutenant said on the radio.

I positioned myself behind a sandbag with a few other militia soldiers.

Something like this, for instance, could use some work. Where are we? The ruins of a city? A deserted grassy plain? A secluded base in the mountains? What were the soldiers doing; how do they feel about the coming battle? Are they nervous? Excited?
You need to describe the scene as best you possibly can. Even smells and sounds can contribute to the overall effectiveness of a scene, if used well.

Instead of telling us what's happening, imagine you've been asked to describe everything going on in a movie. Not only do you have to take into account actions, but also quite literally everything else. Also, just a minor thing, but don't use caps or digits when you write. They detract from the effectiveness of your work, and seem gimmicky.

Several soldiers dropped from the ship. I turned my rifle's safety off, and prepared to fire.
I pulled back my trigger with full force. My rifle began shooting out bullet after bullet.
The least fortunate ones fell right between my iron sights. Falling soon after.

You're being really clinical about what's happening here. I'd recommend reading a couple more books to get a feel for the flow of a battle - Tom Clancy's 'Red Storm Rising' would be pretty good for that - but if you really want to launch right in, use more adjectives. Those lines don't really flow very well, and you could make it much better with a slightly different choice of words. For the middle line, you could try something like: "My finger curled around the trigger, and I let go a quick burst. The kick was strong, but not unexpected. Taking aim at one particular soldier, I fired again. No smile crossed my face, however, as his corpse struck the ground. More and more men fell, impacting with the ground at tremendous speed, but many more remained alive in the air; their chutes deployed, and firing wildly into our ranks."

That wasn't great, I know, but it's an improvement on the lines you've put up. Maybe keep a war book on hand for inspiration when it comes to battle scenes, in order to make the writing a little bit easier. Anyway, I've gone on too long already, but just try to keep in mind that you really need to let your sentences flow, and to keep your descriptions as vivid as possible. Try and talk about the chaos of the battlefield, and keep up a real sensation of fear, death, disgust, hatred, or whatever emotion you think would be most appropriate.

TL;DR
More descriptions, more passion in your writing, and more detail. Maybe go read some Tom Clancy or the like, because he's pretty much got this genre down to an art.

GOD THIS POST IS LONG!
Alright, I'm trying to pick out a few things.

I do give a background of the area they are fighting in (An urbanized city that was onced heavily populated with farms and rual crap) But anyway, this is just a rough draft, I'm giving a lot more detail when I finish getting the jest of all of it down. Right now, it is like the Alpha of the project. and with the character Cliche, It only really comes to him in flashbacks. he only mentions the death of his parents once, and all in all, he is original, just how he reacts to everything.

 

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

Though I apparently didn't provide enough back story with the character. Militia soldiers are the equivalent of the army. They are well trained, and the best of all of them to cope with bloody and death defying situations was John. He has little pity for the enemy, the ruined his life, and he wants revenge. He shows fear of death, and sometimes feels bad about killing, especially after battle. But he knows it is necessary to get his life back. He views his killing as retribution for the millions of innocent that were killed.

Your understanding of what an actual militia is is false, and your main character is practically choking on cliches and contradictions.

They are refered to as a militia because they are normal people off the street, trained for battle. They don't belong to any major fighting force, because contact to the army and the navy was lost at the begining. They retraced there roots to freedom, and called themselves a militia, like in the revolutionary war. He controdicts himself because he is like one of those jawbrakers that can change flavor, on the outside, he is a grim pessimistic person, inside he has a heart, and cares about people, 3rd lair, he is almost purly evil, 3rd lair is only shown in the 3rd installment.

To claim a militia, let alone one set up mid war, and that they are 'well trained,' is unlikely. Your OP also seems to show a high level of supply barely justified by a militia force.

Like I said before, you may want to study the military, and by extension, militias (Not those cult ones).

As for your character... I stand by my statement.

1- Yes they were trained mid war, but it was before the invasion. (Most of them, anyway)
2- And I stand by my personality I gave him.

...Why would someone form a militia to fight an invasion that hadn't happened yet?

For chrissakes, they aren't a militia, they are named that. Because senaters would not accept going to war with the invaders while they were caught up in asia and africa, the Military commanders took preimptive steps to assure freedom.

...What?

Your premises is making less and less sense. The Military formed a civilian army of Americans to fight off invaders that hadn't invaded yet because Congress (Who can't stop the defense of the nation. They can only stop offensive actions against other nations) said 'We can't defend ourselves because we're too busy playing in Asia?'

That's called the United States Army.

It was the Nazi's in africa and asia, the US government never went to war, due to financial standpoints. Of corse the irony went down on them, as the capital fell hours after the invasion began.

 

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

Basic grammar rules and structure have been completely ignored in your excerpt.

Also, appropriate ways of showing emphasis are through using bold[/i] and italics. Using Caps locks just makes you sound like a moron.

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

Ouch OUCH. You have good advice, but the way you insult the poor guy makes you sound like an jerk. See, this is not constructive criticism. This is just criticism. Here's how you might have delivered the same message with less ass.

It looks like your grammar and structure could use some work. If you're a student, you can take this to an english teacher to help you with that. How old are you?

Caps lock isn't a good way to show emphasis. The norm is using bold, or italics.

You see how that's helpful? Turns out the guy is 14. That's not even high school, if I'm not mistaken. He's trying his hand at writing, and should be helped to succeed, not berated for easily fixed errors. Even if you didn't know he was 14, you had a feeling he was young from his writing. You can deliver the same message of education using less negativity, and he will benefit from it more.

Consider this constructive criticism on how you criticize others.

I'M IN HIGHSCHOOl... OH GODDAMN INTERNET CAPSLOCKS!

 

[Judgement101]

Snip.

Never ask for constructive critisism here. A lot of people interprupt "constructive" as constantly insult the work and then use the excuse of it being "constructive" But you will find the rare people that will actually be constructive.

 

[pearcinator]

The main thing about writing a novel is finding ways to make the story interesting to the reader. You may have the best story ever made but if its boring to read then I probably would put it down. The best thing is to get a draft for your story written and then edit it like crazy.

For example,

I clicked the C4 detonation switch, And the jeep was reduced to only a vehicle shell. The other enemy units around it were killed as well.

You can make this sentence much more interesting as well as make it 'flow'.

"I clicked the C4 detonation switch, the Jeep exploded! Killing all nearby enemy units and reducing the Jeep to a flaming shell."

I'm no author but I think this is more entertaining to read.

If its an action novel then I recommend reading some of Matthew Reilly's work. They are fast-paced and very entertaining.

 

[Pimppeter2]

you sound like an jerk.

Hi I'm Peter. We must have never met before.

 

[Bobbity]

If its an action novel then I recommend reading some of Matthew Reilly's work. They are fast-paced and very entertaining.

[vomiting noises]I'm sorry, did you say Matthew Rielly?[/vomiting noises]
All right, fine, I'll admit that reading his work might help you with your battle scenes. Doesn't mean I have to like him though.

 

[IBlackKiteI]

One final tip. Take a look at this website: http://www.authonomy.com/

It's a site for budding writers, where you can post chapters of an ongoing work, and other writers and publishers, agents and editors, will be able to review them, proofread them, and leave feedback so you can constantly update and improve your work. You get professional help, absolutely free, and it also acts as a place where the publisher Harper Collins, who run the site, get a good look at people who want to write and potentially may even offer you a deal (if you're very, very lucky, and/or talented). Some books have been published and the authors become quite well known in literary circles after being published through the site. It's definitely worth trying, purely for the quality of advice you'll get, which is much better than anything we here at the Escapist could give you.

All in all, hope this helps! And don't forget to reply answering me why you think Socialism is bad, okay?

Thanks for the link, I was just skimming this thread and I'm considering starting a story and wasn't sure where to start. I'll check it out.

(Socialism itself isn't bad, human use of it is bad.)

Anyways OP, obviously I'm no expert myself but pretty much everything that needs to be said about what you've done with your story so far has already been said, however you do use a lot of miltary terms, LAV etc. You should expand upon what those things are, otherwise the reader may think your character has blown up Burger King or something instead of a vehicle.

Oh yeah, regarding Militia

...Why would someone form a militia to fight an invasion that hadn't happened yet?

Militia are not a regular fighting force.

In this case they should pretty much be ordinary people called up to fight in the most dire circumstances.
When your ass gets kicked to the level where you need to form a Militia and send them into combat is when you also have your finger hovering over the Big Red Nuke button.

You make them seem more like elite units, that's ok but you should really change them from Militiamen into something else.
Because Militia are practically the last line of defence.

 

[pearcinator]

[vomiting noises]I'm sorry, did you say Matthew Rielly?[/vomiting noises]
All right, fine, I'll admit that reading his work might help you with your battle scenes. Doesn't mean I have to like him though.

I <3 Matthew Reilly but can understand why other people don't like his work. You see, I much prefer watching movies to reading but Matthew Reilly novels read like a big over-the-top action movie and I think thats awesome.

Sure his characters aren't deeply detailed. I could argue that most dont live long enough to be worth detailing but even the major, 'mascot' characters dont have much depth to them. However, theres no denying that they are entertaining and considering that he is Australia's #1 best-selling fiction author, many people like me think so too!

 

[Bobbity]

[vomiting noises]I'm sorry, did you say Matthew Rielly?[/vomiting noises]
All right, fine, I'll admit that reading his work might help you with your battle scenes. Doesn't mean I have to like him though.

I <3 Matthew Reilly but can understand why other people don't like his work. You see, I much prefer watching movies to reading but Matthew Reilly novels read like a big over-the-top action movie and I think thats awesome.

Sure his characters aren't deeply detailed. I could argue that most dont live long enough to be worth detailing but even the major, 'mascot' characters dont have much depth to them. However, theres no denying that they are entertaining and considering that he is Australia's #1 best-selling fiction author, many people like me think so too!

Haha, I was joking
I've read a couple of his books and I didn't really like them, but I have nothing against him.

 

[the clockmaker]

Have a reason for everything,

why are these guys tagged as 'nazis', what is their motovation, what do these people think about thier country, what do they think about america, why are they at war, why are the protaganists called 'enfondo', what is the state of the world, why is your main character fighting, what does he think about the enemy? yadda yadda yadda, it may not all come out in oyur story, but at the moment it seems a bit flat, just 'these are bad guys, beat them to death with the flag.'

 

[Ellen of Kitten]

HI!
I am writing a book, and making a game slightly based upon it, (Takes place in the same area and time frame with the same groups) AT THE SAME TIME. bold, not caps

The book is writen written in a first person perspective of an Enfondo Super Unit protecting whats left of America after a socialist invasion You're using parenthesizes to add to a subject. That addition needs to be in the same sentence. Move the period to the outside end of the closing parenthesizes. . (They are reffered to as Nazis in the book). And well, just don't think it is turning out to greatly. It is hard to completely discribe the battles, when only a minut[e] part can be said. but anyway, here is a small wrap up part of it.

A soldier (John Verkia) is transfered transferred to a group of the marines known as Expis Enfondo (Don't ask me where I got the title from, I don't even know) These guys are looked up to by free america as the last hope of freedom. They are hand picked, and are the best soldiers anyone has ever seen. They are give advanced technology, like combat armor with a fully integrated HUD system , and tons of other stuff. They fight along side Militia unless Militia is a faction name, it belongs as a lower case word. forces from the tri-state area they are in.

John was in love long before World War III started, and his life was only kept together by his love, his parents died at a young age. He took place in one of the bloodies battles of the invasion, and lived to tell his heroic tale, though he kept it mostly to himself,if he lived to tell a tale, why does he keep it to himself? This is redundant. One of these two statements needs to go. not wanting to be honored when so many others gave their lives. He sent his girl friend girlfriend to a civilian shelter, Underground locations undectectable by most technology, built in hills (For the area is really hilly) And [color]and[/color] never learned it's location. So the romance side of the story (Which I can write pretty well about) is based around his flashbacks of times before the war and him trying to find her.

1 year after he joined the enfondo forces, He is sent on a sandbox campaign (AKA Suicide Campaigns by the enfondo units) Under the control of the main enfondo commander. The book is centered around this campaign, and the events of it.

Well, I can write most of it pretty well, besides the battles... I would explain, but I just took an excript from it, and I guess you guys can read it and tell me what you think.
----



"Prepare yourself. The convoy will be here in 30 seconds. use a comma.? Lieutenant said on the radio. Lieutenant who?

I stationed myself behind a sandbag with a few other militia soldiers. this might be a good place to describe our setting. Write what you see with your imagination. Write it all down on the side, and then transfer all the necessary bits to your story.

Moments later, Scout ships arrived overhead. describe them. Right now, they are shapeless sizeless colorless voids.

?HERE THEY ARE!? The militia leader yelled. traditionally, even "shouted" words are left unemphasized with any all-caps, bolding, or italics. Leave these lower case, and let the exclaimation point do all the work. Descriptive writing that follows can help enhance any tension you might be trying to build here.

Several soldiers dropped from the ship. You need more setting description. Dropped? Like they were attached to the ship and suddenly they're falling? Did they jump from an open hatch? Were they using rope? Jet packs? Hover boards? I turned my rifle?s safety off, and prepared to fire.
I pulled back on my trigger with full force. My rifle began shooting out bullet after bullet.
The least fortunate ones fell right between my iron sights.comma Falling soon after.

Several of the Nazis were aiming at me, and retaliating with full force. I turned my rifle turned them, and shot one in the neck. The others took cover. I grabbed a grenade from my side, and chucked it to their position, landing near them. Less than a second later, a small explosion led to several dead enemies this may be a fine descriptive phrase for casual discussion, but a poor choice when writing a story. When the writer clearly has taken a side, even if that side is against Nazis, then the reader doesn't have to. This can lead to irritation., behind that wall.
I looked to my side, Many of the other sandbag walls were given no breaks from fire. I saw Marcus and Williams stationed at one, All but one of their militia soldiers had died. Just then, They were hit buy a mortar. The rest of the convoy had arrived, packing full force against us.

A Nazi LAV let your characters call it an LAV in their discussions. Tell your reader what it is until then. As is, it could be a Lava Alloy Van for all we know. was headed toward my position, I clicked the C4 detonation switch, And the jeep was reduced to only a vehicle we know what a jeep is. A "vehicle shell" is redundant. A "shell" is enough. shell. The other enemy units around it were killed as well.

I rushed over to check on Marcus and Williams. On my way to their position, I was shot in the leg, and fell on the concrete. where are we again? I was flipped over, only to see the grey sky hovering above me, then I was dragged across the ground. ?DON?T WORRY SIR,? I heard someone say ?YOU?RE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.? A militia soldier was patching up my leg So this is the last remaining militiaman? They were all killed off save for one, if you recall writing. as several Nazi?s jumped over the sand bags. I grabbed my pistol and killed several of them. One butted a militia soldier in the chest. I shot his foot and he fell to the ground. I took out my combat knife and did not hesitate to stab him in the neck. All around us, bullets were flying everywhere. You couldn?t tell what had come from us, and what had come from the Nazis. I crawled over to the soldier who was hit buy the Nazi, and asked if he was alright. ?Yeah, I?ll be fine.? he said. He helped me to get up, and I preceded to my squad mates.

?MARCUS, WILLIAMS, YOU GUYS ALRIGHT? I yelled over the battle. Keep it lower case.
?Yeah.? Marcus said. ?But Williams doesn?t look to good, Help me patch him up.?
?Sir, yes sir.? I replied."


So, What do you think? I really need some openions opinions on this.

I am critiquing ALL of your writing. Red is the subject that needs change, blue is my notes. I have not touched structure (and you could use more help with that) because my notes make talking about sturucture very difficult. My leading concern is that you haven't given the reader any sense of where we are, and what we're looking at. The only familiar images are explosions, sand bags, and bullets.

 

[Ellen of Kitten]

you sound like an jerk.

Hi I'm Peter. We must have never met before.

Noted. If that's how you are, then I will avoid/ignore you here on out.

 

[Pimppeter2]

you sound like an jerk.

Hi I'm Peter. We must have never met before.

Noted. If that's how you are, then I will avoid/ignore you here on out.

Ohh lamentable fate.
My tears may never dry.

 

[Plurralbles]

Well... it involves Nazi's... So there's your sign.

 

[coolkirb]

speak to the zietgiest and use the archetypes because thats what makes money one needs to look no further then starwars to conferm that

 

[foxlovingfreak]

I said this before on a another post and I'll say it again here. Read Stephen king's on writing it's perhaps the best book to read for the aspiring writer and was a real help in devolping my own writing styel. And as many people have said on here if you want to know how to devolp battel scens read books that have them and learn from them. And above all don't worry if it dosen't turn out right the first time and have a bit more faith in yourself after all Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

[mekose]

As my favorite writer Garth Nix once said "The most important part of writing is reading" Don't attempt the write a novel if you've never read some of the great classics. Take reference, ideas, sentence structure, and ways of expressing visuals from the great writers of the past. Taking reference from successful authors will enrich your own writing (that doesn't mean copy them).

There are other technical things you need like an editor and a mentor to revise and criticize your writing, and tell you what is amateurish and what too avoid. Just find someone who reads a lot or an English teacher to help you out. A really important thing about every job possibility on earth is don't get discouraged. Everyone started out sucking at what they wanted to do professionally. If you have a passion, practice and eventually you'll get better.


"The classics stay classic for a reason" - Garth Nix.

 

[sumanoskae]

Hmmm...

I think the your biggest problem is that your only describing what happened, not how it made the characters feel or what it meant to them.

That kind of writing is fine if your writing a story based on the plot alone(Though even then it's nothing special), but your concept is a simple and old one, you can't rely on the events themselves to be important, you need context.

You can't squeeze an interesting story out of an old formula by relying on the formula, the success of this book is going to be all in the execution.

Don't worry as much about what's literally going on, and try to put yourself in the emotional state of the characters. The base plot line is not strong enough on it's own to carry the story, so you need to focus on giving it context.