Why do I think this book i'm writing is turning out bad?

[sora91111]

This sounds kind of more like a CoD game then a book, but the cocept is sound if you can pull it off. Also what are the charaters thoughts, I personally like to see inner thoughts especially in these situations.

 

[Ellen of Kitten]

nazis have been done to death. literally.

Not Nazis. That is there name they were tagged with, they are socialist, but not nazis.

Here's the thing about this; we are only aware of what you present us with. If you tag then Nazis, and present them to us as Nazis, then we are going to see them as Nazis. If you wanted "a socialist military power," then you need to just present them as such.

 

[Freeze_L]

Your book does not have to be good. You will have to write a LOT before you can write on a professional level. Personally I dream of becoming a Professional Writer, and obviously write enough to fill up note books and note books with stories, so i can sympathize. The way you wrote this is very similar, in style and level, to something i wrote a few years back.

I don't remember anything of the story now, but i do remember learning something really simple from it. It is really hard to make sure you put all your thoughts on the paper. In your head the battles are vivid and grand but on the paper you confine a large portion of the battle to two (and a bit) paragraphs.

Several of the Nazis were aiming at me, and retaliating with full force. I turned my rifle turned them, and shot one in the neck. The others took cover. I grabbed a grenade from my side, and chucked it to their position, landing near them. Less than a second later, a small explosion led to several dead enemies behind that wall.
I looked to my side, Many of the other sandbag walls were given no breaks from fire. I saw Marcus and Williams stationed at one, All but one of their militia soldiers had died. Just then, They were hit buy a mortar. The rest of the convoy had arrived, packing full force against us.

A Nazi LAV was headed toward my position, I clicked the C4 detonation switch, And the jeep was reduced to only a vehicle shell. The other enemy units around it were killed as well.

I rushed over to check on Marcus and Williams. On my way to their position, I was shot in the leg, and fell on the concrete. I was flipped over, only to see the grey sky hovering above me, then I was dragged across the ground. ?DON?T WORRY SIR,? I heard someone say ?YOU?RE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.? A militia soldier was patching up my leg as several Nazi?s jumped over the sand bags. I grabbed my pistol and killed several of them. One butted a militia soldier in the chest. I shot his foot and he fell to the ground. I took out my combat knife and did not hesitate to stab him in the neck. All around us, bullets were flying everywhere. You couldn?t tell what had come from us, and what had come from the Nazis. I crawled over to the soldier who was hit buy the Nazi, and asked if he was alright. ?Yeah, I?ll be fine.? he said. He helped me to get up, and I preceded to my squad mates.

A lot happens in this.(weird listy non-sentence to follow) A gun fight, then a grenade is thrown back,fire still continues pounding the fortifications but is temporarily relived in his area by the grenade, speaker observes the carnage (did a mortar hit well he watched or before he looked ?), enemy reenforcement arrive, a jeep explodes (when did it get c4? was it the enemy jeep?), etc. Each one of those can be separated and explained in more detail. You have all of the details in your head but you need to explain everything to the reader.

Don't listen to pepole when they tell you to try writing something else. However don't think you are going to sell this. The truth is writers have a lot of experience before they can sell a work, and that is because it is really hard to do. Writing like this means you have talent, it really is good, but you still don't have the skill (neither do I to write professionally yet.

To put the level of practice writers have in perspective, Jim Butcher wrote 4 full length novels and "countless" short stories before he wrote the Dresden Files. He wrote the first 3 Dresden Files books before he got them published, and he revised and rewrote large sections of all three books over and over again.

Don't be afraid to re-write things. In a lame example, I wrote the beginning of my book in 6 hours over a week and it was 4,000 some odd words (and edited). I essentially scraped the whole thing and re-wrote it because i did not like it. In a less lame example author John Ringo, whom i follow a little bit to closely, ended up throwing out over half of a novel that was essentially complete because it was not good enough for him. It is always ok to change things, they are not written in stone.

Don't be afraid to be bad, but do not settle for being bad. You are a good writer but if you compare yourself to Tom Clancy and Mercedes Lackey you will not stack up. That is ok, a lot of pepole have talent but you have to practice to become great at something. Change things in your book until you like it and move on when you feel satisfied with it (or when you don't think you can learn any more from it.)

What i am saying with all my random advice i pulled from authors and limited experience is that you have to take the risks and put in the effort. Just like with anything else you wont get anywhere with out challenging yourself, and you wont get good with out being bad first.

Edit: Also it is really really hard to write anything if you do not have a large base to draw from, read as much as you can and take notes, mental or physical, on how the author writes. Every author has a personal style and each one can teach you a little bit more about how to write. Read from every genre (even if you do not like it) and try to read a lot of the classics as well as a lot of commercial and modern works.

 

[kahlzun]

Too much detail on unimportant things, and the narrative doesn't flow smoothly. Some extra work on spelling and grammar wouldn't go astray either.

 

[the clockmaker]

hey guys, off topic a bit, but do we have an area for writing and critique thereof? not trying to do a backhander at the OP, but it would be handy.

 

[MrJoyless]

HI!
I am writing a book, and making a game slightly based upon it, (Takes place in the same area and time frame with the same groups) AT THE SAME TIME.

The book is writen in a first person perspective of an Enfondo Super Unit protecting whats left of america after a socialist invasion. (They are reffered to as Nazis in the book) and well, just don't think it is turning out to greatly. It is hard to completely discribe the battles, when only a minut part can be said. but anyway, here is a small wrap up of it.

A soldier (John Verkia) is transfered to a group of the marines known as Expis Enfondo (Don't ask me where I got the title from, I don't even know) These guys are looked up to by free america as the last hope of freedom. They are hand picked, and are the best soldiers anyone has ever seen. They are give advanced technology, like combat armor with a fully integrated HUD system, and tons of other stuff. They fight along side Militia forces from the tri state area they are in.

John was in love long before World War III started, and his life was only kept together by his love, his parents died at a young age. He took place in one of the bloodies battles of the invasion, and lived to tell his heroic tale, though he kept it mostly to himself, not wanting to be honored when so many others gave their lives. He sent his girl friend to a civilian shelter, Undergound locations undectectable by most technology, built in hills (For the area is really hilly) And never learned it's location. So the romance side of the story (Which I can write pretty well about) is based around his flashbacks of times before the war and him trying to find her.

1 year after he joined the enfondo forces, He is sent on a sandbox campaign (AKA Suicide Campaigns by the enfondo units) Under the control of the main enfondo commander. The book is centered around this campaign, and the events of it.

Well, I can write most of it pretty well, besides the battles... I would explain, but I just took an excript from it, and I guess you guys can read it and tell me what you think.

"?Prepare yourself. The convoy will be here in 30 seconds.? Lieutenant said on the radio.

I stationed myself behind a sandbag with a few other militia soldiers.

Moments later, Scout ships arrived overhead.

?HERE THEY ARE!? The militia leader yelled.

Several soldiers dropped from the ship. I turned my rifle?s safety off, and prepared to fire.
I pulled back my trigger with full force. My rifle began shooting out bullet after bullet.
The least fortunate ones fell right between my iron sights. Falling soon after.

Several of the Nazis were aiming at me, and retaliating with full force. I turned my rifle turned them, and shot one in the neck. The others took cover. I grabbed a grenade from my side, and chucked it to their position, landing near them. Less than a second later, a small explosion led to several dead enemies behind that wall.
I looked to my side, Many of the other sandbag walls were given no breaks from fire. I saw Marcus and Williams stationed at one, All but one of their militia soldiers had died. Just then, They were hit buy a mortar. The rest of the convoy had arrived, packing full force against us.

A Nazi LAV was headed toward my position, I clicked the C4 detonation switch, And the jeep was reduced to only a vehicle shell. The other enemy units around it were killed as well.

I rushed over to check on Marcus and Williams. On my way to their position, I was shot in the leg, and fell on the concrete. I was flipped over, only to see the grey sky hovering above me, then I was dragged across the ground. ?DON?T WORRY SIR,? I heard someone say ?YOU?RE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.? A militia soldier was patching up my leg as several Nazi?s jumped over the sand bags. I grabbed my pistol and killed several of them. One butted a militia soldier in the chest. I shot his foot and he fell to the ground. I took out my combat knife and did not hesitate to stab him in the neck. All around us, bullets were flying everywhere. You couldn?t tell what had come from us, and what had come from the Nazis. I crawled over to the soldier who was hit buy the Nazi, and asked if he was alright. ?Yeah, I?ll be fine.? he said. He helped me to get up, and I preceded to my squad mates.

?MARCUS, WILLIAMS, YOU GUYS ALRIGHT? I yelled over the battle.
?Yeah.? Marcus said. ?But Williams doesn?t look to good, Help me patch him up.?
?Sir, yes sir.? I replied."


So, What do you think? I really need some openions on this.

you say I and me waaaayyyyy too much, try being descriptive rather than just saying what happened like instead of saying

"I rushed over to check on Marcus and Williams. On my way to their position, I was shot in the leg, and fell on the concrete. I was flipped over, only to see the grey sky hovering above me, then I was dragged across the ground"

to (forgive my punctuation i am rushing this so i can go to sleep)

diving from cover towards Marc and Wil i unexpectedly felt my right leg kick out at an awkward angle, and suddenly go numb, dropping my face to the broken concrete. blinking the grit from my eyes to the strobing flash of incoming fire all i could hear was Marc playing his AR (assault rifle) from one group of enemies to the next trying to keep their heads down while Wil hefted my bulk back into cover.

that is how you make a story interesting without blandly describing what happened, you have to think what is going on what does it look and feel like

if you want some suggestions try reading some Dan Abnett from Black Library Publishing or Tom Clancy to get some descriptive storytelling ideas

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

Several soldiers dropped from the ship. I turned my rifle's safety off, and prepared to fire.
I pulled back my trigger with full force. My rifle began shooting out bullet after bullet.
The least fortunate ones fell right between my iron sights. Falling soon after.

There is a lot wrong with this section. For one thing, anyone who has ever fired a gun knows that you don't pull the trigger, especially not with any amount of force; what you do is squeeze it with the minimum pressure, so as not to throw off your aim. For another thing, drop the "iron" from "iron sights." They may be called that regularly in videogames, but in real life the phrase is rarely used, and even then just to differentiate the iron sights from some other type of aiming mechanism.

Spoiler: You might rework it like this

Several INOF soldiers emerged from the gunship. I readied my rifle, switching off the safety and aiming for the nearest mark. I squeezed the trigger, and watched the unfortunate soul fall to a hail of bullets.

It's short and to the point, without any of the purple prose that was suggested earlier, while still flowing much better than the original piece, and being much better grounded in reality.

Basically, if you're going to use a realistic situation, you're going to have to do some research to make it work. INOF stands for "Insert name of faction," and was a placeholder I used because calling the bad guys Nazis is going to give readers the wrong idea. Come up with something that makes a bit more sense in the setting. Above all, get the writing down; right now, it reads like you're knowledge of both the military and conversational English come from videogames. Because you're writing this in first person, you really want it to sound like something someone would actually say. Also, just a point about your current use of the word "militia": it doesn't work because its current English meaning and its meaning from 200 years ago are roughly the same. If you want an elite force named after a group of soldiers from the Revolutionary war, try "The Minutemen," which was the name used for the militias that fought in the war. It refers specifically to the militias that fought in that war, not to a general category of irregular military. Finally, watch yourself for re-used phrases; you put "with full force" down way too frequently, and I'm sure there's other cases of words and phrases that need to be better varied.

I'm not trying to discourage you, but your writing needs a lot of work. Not to insult you or anything, but it reads like a teenager's early attempt at writing a novel. Take the advanced English classes in your school, pay attention in them, and keep up with both reading and writing, and you will improve. Don't let people put you down for using a somewhat cliched scenario; a good piece of fiction stands more on the execution than the idea. It's why Avatar sold so many movie tickets, but the fifth Star Trek movie was so terrible; the idea behind Star Trek V was much more original than the idea behind Avatar, but due to a number of reasons, the execution of the former fell flat. Avatar, on the other hand, is a shining example of how to make a great movie out of an old formula.

 

[Mikeyfell]

HI!
I am writing a book, and making a game slightly based upon it, (Takes place in the same area and time frame with the same groups) AT THE SAME TIME.

The book is writen in a first person perspective of an Enfondo Super Unit protecting whats left of america after a socialist invasion. (They are reffered to as Nazis in the book) and well, just don't think it is turning out to greatly. It is hard to completely discribe the battles, when only a minut part can be said. but anyway, here is a small wrap up of it.

A soldier (John Verkia) is transfered to a group of the marines known as Expis Enfondo (Don't ask me where I got the title from, I don't even know) These guys are looked up to by free america as the last hope of freedom. They are hand picked, and are the best soldiers anyone has ever seen. They are give advanced technology, like combat armor with a fully integrated HUD system, and tons of other stuff. They fight along side Militia forces from the tri state area they are in.

John was in love long before World War III started, and his life was only kept together by his love, his parents died at a young age. He took place in one of the bloodies battles of the invasion, and lived to tell his heroic tale, though he kept it mostly to himself, not wanting to be honored when so many others gave their lives. He sent his girl friend to a civilian shelter, Undergound locations undectectable by most technology, built in hills (For the area is really hilly) And never learned it's location. So the romance side of the story (Which I can write pretty well about) is based around his flashbacks of times before the war and him trying to find her.

1 year after he joined the enfondo forces, He is sent on a sandbox campaign (AKA Suicide Campaigns by the enfondo units) Under the control of the main enfondo commander. The book is centered around this campaign, and the events of it.

It's a good thing that you're not satisfied with how your own work is turning out.
"If you're not your toughest critic somebody else will be."

Your synopsis seems strait out of the "Big Book-O-Cliche" but I can dig that. A story like that isn't going to win any points for originality so all the engagement has to come from the delivery. But that's not what you asked about.

Action is hard to convey in text, I should know because I write stuff like this as well. My solution to this is really cheep, I'll put all the non-dialogue parts in brackets. It craps all over the flow of the narrative but it gives me a chance to be very specific about the picture I want to convey. (that only works in third person though)

Being perfectly honest your action scene was boring. It seemed skeletal, a bunch of stuff happening but there no sense of urgency. There's nothing really personal about it, like the main guy is just roboticly recounting this firefight. The dialog is a bit dry too.