why do people say dating your teacher is wrong? we got married last year and its fantastique

[Ratty]

he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private.

but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot.

its kind of scary but small price for love

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

Yeah I agree, sounds like he has an exhibition fetish at the least, which he shouldn't force on you if you're not into that. He shouldn't be disrespecting your parents or making you uncomfortable if you don't want him to. That's not how partnerships work, you need to be equals in a marriage. You aren't a trophy and you shouldn't be treated like one. You being his wife gives him no right to humiliate you, and if he says otherwise he's full of shit. You need to tell him to stop if he's doing something like that and you don't like it, and he needs to listen.

 

[suitepee7]

well i'll give you three reasons that come to mind
1) they are in a position of power, and this can be seen as an abuse of that position. if you didn't start dating until after school, then it's not really an issue, but then it's not dating your teacher, it's dating a person who used to be your teacher

2) it can be seen as an unfair advantage in school. you could be given preferential treatment, or unfairly graded etc. while this might not actually happen, you can bet your ass anybody else who knows about it will be thinking that is the only reason you get good marks

3) while you are still in school, you will be in your teens, whereas the teacher will at least be in the 20s, usually around 25 at the youngest (given the amount of time to fully qualify as a teacher, get some experience and get/find a secure job). when you're younger, the age gap is usually seen as a much bigger issue than when you're older, and a gap of around 10 years or more is oft frowned upon when you're still hovering around the age of sexual consent (depending on where you live)

i'm not saying i agree with any or all of the reasons i just gave, but they are the first three i can think of when trying to think of how others might look at the issue. but as i said in (1), once you have left school and they become 'a person who taught you' rather than your teacher, i don't see any of these being an issue at all

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

Yeah, I am honestly surprised by the relatively warm reception this is getting. OP, I mean no offense, but this sounds like a really bad situation. You met him when you were a teenager in a period where he was an authority figure over you. You'd known him for two years before you got married, during which you couldn't be the least bit romantically involved because he was teaching. Getting married to someone you've only known for two years is a pretty big deal and I'd automatically be a little questional about the decision regardless of extraneous factors. Given the complexity of this relationship and how young you are just sets off all kinds of warning signs. Not even to mention the strange thrill that he seems to be getting from feeling up his teenage wife in front of her family and strangers.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation, although it started when she was a bit younger than you were when you met this guy. She dated a guy in his mid 30s for a couple years, and while she thought it was perfectly fine for a while, she felt horribly manipulated and violated after. The fact that your teacher saw no problem marrying a student out of high school, completely ignores the worry of your friends and family and in fact seems to think that their concerns are an absolute joke really strikes me as bad news.

You're over 18 so it's your choice what you do with your life and I certainly don't expect you to change anything because a stranger on the internet thinks it sounds unhealthy, just saying that from what I'm hearing this isn't going to be the relationship that convinces me of how fine it is to date your teacher

 

[Ratty]

[Edit: just for the record, I don't see the guy as some malicious perv with bad intentions or anything, rather just as naive and not-very-clear-headed as she is. More on that in the rest of the comment]

he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private.

but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot.

its kind of scary but small price for love

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

All of this, and

i know its rushed i just dreamed of being a wife always so i guess i couldn't help it. he agreed that its a good idea to marry just cos he never had been and said that he knew it was right cos he never felt that way about others..

LEGALLY there's nothing wrong with this scenario, I suppose...but really from the sounds of it you are in waaaaaay over your head and setting yourself up for a world of heartache.

Look, you seem like a reasonably sweet girl and all, but from the vibes I'm getting from you so far I can't help getting the feeling that you are far too green & naive to be jumping into a MARRIAGE to a guy nearly three times your age, who seems to just be getting off that an old guy like him is able to show off a "pretty young thing" like you around all the time like, as these other posters are saying, as a trophy girlfriend/wife. The fact that he's never been married and is probably happy as hell that a woman likes him like this, and that you rushed into this due to your fantasies of being a wife just...yeah I can't imagine this going well at all.

It sounds like the two of you are falling in love with the IDEA/FANTASY of one another rather than the actual person themselves. And it's coming out of a place of desperation; again, he's just happy that a pretty female is infatuated with him, and you've been burned before so you're looking for someone "not like other guys" and he happens to fit the bill. The other is the right person at the right time...but are the the right person for the REST of your time? For anyone that's ever been in a relationship knows that that wuvvy-duvvy cherubs and rainbows honeymoon period you're going through right now doesn't last very long, and if you two aren't ready for the hardships of maintaining a serious life partnership, it can leave major emotional scars that are going to stick with you...

(You're young so you have a probably better chance at recovering/bouncing back than he would [or maybe he'd be at that "fuck it" stage, I dunno], but still. It's okay to fuck up and bump your head every once in a while, but if you can avoid trainwrecks, it's better to pull yourself a Neo and bullet-time outta harms way...)

I don't know the two of you so I could be entirely off with all of this, but in my humble opinion that you're free to listen to or dismiss however you like.....neither one of you sound like you are anywhere close to being ready for this kind of major commitment.

If you really, REALLY believe in your heart of hearts this can work, then have a serious heart-to-heart sitdown with him and just go over what the two of you want out of this relationship and your gameplan on how to make it work. Invest a little in some couples counseling and just keep being proactive into making sure this is how you want your lives to go. It's better to question early and get a definitive answer now than to find out you weren't right for each other once it's too late.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck...

Good advice. Also please please please whatever you do don't rush into having children. I've seen so many people try to have children when they were having trouble because they thought it would make their relationship stronger. It never does, it usually just winds up making babies who can't be properly cared for.
Plus, if you had a baby right now your husband would be well into in his 60s when it turned 20. And your husband would never be able to retire because he'd have to stay on to support the child, which are very expensive. Plus the 40s is just too old to stay up all night taking care of a baby, believe me I've seen the effects it has on people that age. All the stress it puts on them makes them age much much faster.

 

[Duffeknol]

From the way you post I can absolutely tell he's taking advantage of you.

We can be respectful and dance around the issue as much as we want here. But all I have to say is get the hell out as quickly as possible. This ain't right.

 

[Olas]

Well it certainly violates "half your age plus seven" rule, not that I necessarily prescribe to such algebraic tests of decency, but still from what little information I have this seems like a very fishy and potentially disastrous situation. It's really not a good idea to be marrying ANYBODY at age 18 much less someone old enough to be your father. The fact that he's a former teacher really only makes it significantly more weird and suspicious. If you want my honest opinion, and you apparently do, there's no way I can give this a thumbs up or say that it sounds like a good idea.

Obviously I'm just some guy on the internet so there's no reason you should take my advice, but I think you definitely SHOULD talk to someone you can trust who's more knowledgeable on this sort of matter and get their professional advice, and then take that advice seriously.

Also, it's fantastic. There's no Q. This guy clearly wasn't your writing teacher.

 

[Hawkeye21]

hi DC, he's 44, i'm 19 now. people stare at the cinema and beach when we kiss so yep i think i'm the only person who is ok with it lol.

I bet that almost ruined your 10-year anniversary.

 

[Not Matt]

I don't think it's the fact that he's your teacher more that there is a remarkable age gap. It is always strange to see people who are generations apart date. Don't take this the wrong way, if you really love each other then I say go for it. But if I see you making out in public, chances are I am gonna raise an eyebrow and make assumptions. Noting personal it's just a social reflex.

 

[not_you]

Well, people say that it's wrong in Australia because it's also illegal...

Doctor/Patient and Student/Teacher relationships are grounds to be charged and arrested... Or at least that was my understanding of it... I never found any of my teachers attractive...

Or something equally as horrible to your career...

Sure, if you DON'T date them while they are your teacher then that's fine...
But if you did during such time when s/he was your teacher then that is why it's frowned upon...

So, yeah, that's basically my stance on it... If they're teaching you at the time, frowned upon... If they're not your teacher anymore: go for it...

 

[SwagLordYoloson]

Is OP legit?

No offence but my suspension of disbelief went away with OP's grammar, 19 you say?

I am having a hard time believing this is not a ruse my fellow posters.

 

[Esotera]

My old music teacher ended up marrying one of his former pupils, the last I heard of him is that he cheated on her with a 6th former & is currently serving a prison sentence for rape. The reason is that the teacher is in a position of authority over the student, and even if you ignore that teachers have a lot more life experience than students just by their age.

 

[Whateveralot]

People said it was wrong for me to date a girl 7 years younger (at the time, she was 15 and I was 22. She was going to our country's equivalent of highschool and I finished college and working as a sales rep for a good year.

Almost two years in and it's the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.

 

[Caiphus]

Snip

That seems on the money to me. I'm afraid I've only just seen this thread after commenting on OP's previous one, and well. I'm not entirely sure what to say. This all seems rather unhealthy if true.

 

[Shocksplicer]

Is OP legit?

No offence but my suspension of disbelief went away with OP's grammar, 19 you say?

I am having a hard time believing this is not a ruse my fellow posters.

I agree, it all seems a bit button-pushy and has a ring of falsity to it. Even if it is a hoax, however it's an interesting topic for discussion regardless of whether or not it is true.

 

[Rogue Trooper]

Sorry guys I got to call shenanigans on OPs post here

 

[Ratty]

I hope you guys are right, that would actually be a relief. But I (and probably most others) are taking it at face value in case this is genuine.

 

[Padwolf]

Eh, I hate to say it, but I smell a lot of shenanigans going on over here. I don't think this is genuine at all. Though, hey, it makes for interesting discussion I guess. I think that people view it as wrong because of the age difference, but also because if they are your teacher, then people might think that they are supposed to be a parental figure, not a romantic one. I think that is what makes people freak out over it.