Why do women love confidence in a man?

[cerebreturns]

Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident, but nearly across the board weither the woman is a dom or a sub, a older or a younger woman, nearly all of them require or find a condifent man sexy/strong/good.

Why?

It isn't this homogonis with men, some like a confident women some don't, but with women it is practicly always a yes.

If submissive or old school house women liked confident men but dominearing/business ladies didn't then I could understand.

But the fact that it seems completly untied to any other beliefs/opinions that the women have in common...is odd yes?

 

[Rawne1980]

I'm not going to speak for women in general just those that I know who have spoke about it.

They wanted a confident man because a confident man knows who he is, what he wants and is able to look after himself.

They don't want someone who needs fussing over and mothering.

I say wanted because thats what they got.

Aside from the confidence thing they aren't very fussy, and it shows, 2 of them are married to Man U fans .... they have no standards (says the bloke who's wife is a Man U fan).

 

[cerebreturns]

But even women who want a man who they can look after, who they can treat as a mother (and there are women out there like that) STILL want a confident man.

That is my big problem in understanding. Even the women who want something that would generally come with low confidence, they STILL want someone with a lot of confidence.

Thank you for your response!

 

[aba1]

People want confidence in a partner in general if not simply because it implies competence and means that they don't have to put as much effort forward since a confident person will take charge out of natural habit.

Like Rawne1980 said nobody wants to get into a relationship with someone who can't even take care of themselves. A lot of people who feel like they need a relationship, and only feel that way because they are not satisfied with who they are. They need someone else to increase their sense of self value. In general when you don't need a partner than you are the ideal partner generally you will have more to bring to the table.

 

[Quaxar]

Strong confidence is, among other characteristics (strength, looks, cleverness...), an evolutionary advantage because confidence means assertiveness means being higher up in the social structure and genes from an alpha male are favoured throughout the animal kindom.
Just because Homo sapiens has decided it would like to stand above such animalistic behaviours doesn't mean that millions of years of good instincts are overwritten like that. The beauty of evolution is that it completely explains that it is, in fact, not odd at all.

 

[Lilani]

I think men also like confident women, you just seem to associate confidence with masculinity, which isn't very accurate. Confidence doesn't mean the same as swagger or dominance. Confidence is produced by a healthy amount of self-esteem, it is simply believing in yourself. Being comfortable in your own skin. What man doesn't find that attractive? Or rather, how many guys have you seen seek out the opposite? "Man, I really want a piece of that mousy girl in the corner who dresses like shit because she has no self-respect and looks like she'd rather be anywhere else but here."

Why men don't point it out as something they find attractive as often as women I can't say, but being a female myself I think I can guess why women feel the need to point it out. When growing up, guys tend to establish their pecking order by who has the most swagger, the most strength. They wrestle, they chase, they climb, arm wrestle, all those little contests to establish who's king of the hill. You bring another guy down a notch by outmatching him in those games.

Girls, on the other hand, establish their pecking order through psychological contests. They form cliques, and engage in psychological warfare. They tear other girls down by ripping into their self-esteem and self-image. Rather than subduing them with a chokehold, they subdue them by making them question themselves and their worthiness to be higher up on the totem pole.

When you spend your entire adolescence fighting these sorts of mental battles, you become attuned not only to your own self-confidence but also the confidence of others. So since self-confidence is a valuable resource in order to survive those sorts of psychological wars, of course girls are going to pick up on it faster and of course they are going to take notice when they see an abundance of it.

Of course that's all just speculation on my part based on stereotypes, but hey isn't that what psychology's all about?

 

[farscythe]

because if you (the man) are insecure and worried about everything... theres no room for them to be insecure and worried about everything... (not entirely serious btw..just seems that way to me sometimes)

but yea..confidence is sexy because it implies you can get shit done (confidence = competence if you will)

 

[LetalisK]

But even women who want a man who they can look after, who they can treat as a mother (and there are women out there like that) STILL want a confident man.

That is my big problem in understanding. Even the women who want something that would generally come with low confidence, they STILL want someone with a lot of confidence.

Thank you for your response!

Who said what we are attracted to had to make sense? It's not unheard of to be attracted to seemingly contradictory things. I say "seemingly" because those two traits can be reconciled together, but it'll usually be difficult to find someone with that reconciled trait.

 

[Lynx]

Same reason the peacock ladies like sparkly feathers and baboon ladies love a red butt.

Confidence = Dominance = "I'm with that guy, 'cause no one's gonna break into his house and steal his stuff/rape his wife/kill our kids." And by proxy, it means that your offspring will (likely) be confident and dominant too.

Throughout the ages, women have needed men who are strong and confident enough to protect the home. Women have cared for the kids, men have protected and provided for the family. A wuss just wouldn't do the trick. It was not until a short while ago that women finally were able to care for themselves and live alone. Which is probably why we've expanded our love interests to include men who don't fit the caveman profile too, because we don't need protection as much anymore.

In a way, you could say female independence has benefited both the women and the non-alfa men.

 

[cerebreturns]

Same reason the peacock ladies like sparkly feathers and baboon ladies love a red butt.

Confidence = Dominance = "I'm with that guy, 'cause no one's gonna break into his house and steal his stuff/rape his wife/kill our kids." And by proxy, it means that your offspring will (likely) be confident and dominant too.

Throughout the ages, women have needed men who are strong and confident enough to protect the home. Women have cared for the kids, men have protected and provided for the family. A wuss just wouldn't do the trick. It was not until a short while ago that women finally were able to care for themselves and live alone. Which is probably why we've expanded our love interests to include men who don't fit the caveman profile too, because we don't need protection as much anymore.

In a way, you could say female independence has benefited both the women and the non-alfa men.

Except that's just my point. The fact that even though it's not needed required anymore, it's still desired and required by the majority of women, even those who try to take on other roles.

 

[Lynx]

Except that's just my point. The fact that even though it's not needed required anymore, it's still desired and required by the majority of women, even those who try to take on other roles.

Let's not forget that instincts take time to adapt. A long time. Attraction is based on what our instinct tells us we need in a partner; and like everything else, it's Nature versus Nurture. Evolution and the red baboon butts plays one part, individual experience (in particular childhood role models) play one too. For example, girls who grow up seeing daddy beat up mommy, often end up dating violent men. Men who grow up seeing mommy abuse daddy, often end up as miserable as daddy. Not all the time, but depressingly often.

So perhaps having a confident dad inspires finding a confident boyfriend. Sorry about all the Freudian psychology, but he did have some solid points behind all the sex jokes.

 

[Lynx]

Let's not forget that confidence and cockiness are not the same thing. Confidence suggests that you have a level of self-love, which suggests that you are able to give love. Self-conscious people have more trouble showing affection as it poses a risk of rejection.

 

[JayElleBee]

I can only speak for myself of course, but I will say that I want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally healthy. I don't view people with confidence issues as emotionally healthy. I have my own self-esteem issues and the last thing I need is to inflict on myself someone who is just as flaky and insecure as I am. I'm trying to get better and an insecure other-half is just going to drag me back down. I want positive influences in my life.

That's not to say I would reject someone who is quieter or even shy. But it is vital that they be happy with who they are, or at the very least aware of their problems and actively trying to fix them.

 

[JoJo]

As many have said before me, confidence is pretty important, having faith in yourself is a great asset and one that's still relevant in our modern world unlike some other traits (how much does height really advantage someone in today's world?). One thing that does annoy me though is the way some people assume that quiet = lacking in confidence, I'm pretty introverted compared to most people and so I don't speak a whole lot, however that isn't down to lack of confidence, whenever I have something to say or argue then I'll speak up loud. People who don't know me well seem to assume that I'm "timid" because of this which really grinds my gears, luckily they learn soon enough...

 

[DevilWithaHalo]

Because you we're made to be ruled... wait, I mean... it absolves you of all personal responsibility... er, maybe it's... people are lazy and avoid effort where they can... um, perhaps... people desire to wield power even vicariously... well... I guess all the answers don't really reflect well on those who perpetuate the stereotype.

Just remember this kids, if they find you attractive; you're confident, if they don't; you're arrogant. And no one likes arrogance...

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident.

Speak for yourself man, I love confidence in a woman. Shyness makes good anime characters but in real life is just frustrating.

 

[Jarlaxl]

Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident...

Hm. Who are you hanging out with? Confident women are highly sought-after goods in my neck of the woods.

As for why it's a sought-after quality, well, there's probably evolutionary reasons for that, but I think that, at the end of the day, the simplest reason is that confident people are...well, more human than non-confident people, at least in appearance. That is, it is easier to recognize the personality, perspective, and qualities of a confident person than of a shy person. When such is the case, and given the backdrop of people who are basically "just there," you are dealing with more of a known quantity, and therefore know what you're getting into by pursuing said individual.

 

[Chemical Alia]

Probably because poor confidence is a terrible personal quality, especially in a relationship. I don't know anyone who doesn't value confidence, men or women.

 

[cerebreturns]

Please don't take what I said out of context. I said men usually don't care, not that they perfer a woman who's not confident. Those are 2 completely different things.

And yes, while I agree that most people do value confidence, just as most people value attractiveness and health, I still disagree with the statement that men care just as much as women about it. Look around at society, not just your social circle, not just yourself.


Thank you everyone for your reply's There is some very interesting and informative responses here.

 

[Lilani]

Please don't take what I said out of context. I said men usually don't care, not that they perfer a woman who's not confident. Those are 2 completely different things.

Yes they are different, but they more or less lead to the same result. What makes you think that guys don't care about that? Sure maybe the ones who are just trying to get a piece of ass aren't concerned about substance, but as Chemical Alia pointed out there for a real relationship a lack of confidence puts a real damper on things, no matter how you slice it. Sure it can be endearing when paired with a few other traits, but on its own it's frustrating and tedious, and can be a sign of even deeper and more complicated problems. Complicated is never attractive.

And yes, while I agree that most people do value confidence, just as most people value attractiveness and health, I still disagree with the statement that men care just as much as women about it. Look around at society, not just your social circle, not just yourself.

But again, what has lead you to this conclusion? Are you sure it's not just a discrepancy in how much they are voicing these desires? In my experience, guys are much less forthcoming about the traits they want to see in women, outside of physical traits. Unless the situation is just right, getting to those really touchy feely desires in a partner can be like pulling teeth with a lot of guys. They usually just prefer to leave it unsaid, while women (who are more likely to use words to solve their problems) will list every little thing they want in a man, from a cute butt to being willing to just lie around all day and cuddle.