Why do women love confidence in a man?

[Nickolai77]

I think i'm going to have to raise my colours on the side of the shy-girls here. It's not that i don't find confident girls unattractive (I do) it's just that i don't really discriminate between the two, a shy girl is just as attractive as a confident one.

One of my first high-school crushes was this shy-girl who i sat next to in maths, later on in university me and this other guy both fancied a quiet girl who did archery with us. Things we're tense but respectable between me and this guy, but perhaps fortunately neither of us managed to get with her in the end!

I think part of the problem here is that people have differing definitions of "confidence"- some people seem to be equating it to mean that if you're not confident you have deep-seated psychological problems, whereas other's seem to be taking confidence to be synonymous with extroversion. I think we can all agree that for both genders, being a psychological mess isn't attractive- but of all the guy's out there trying to understand why they arn't getting laid, i really don't think it's because there's something mentally wrong with them. Quiet people are simply quiet because they have less to say than talkative people, or don't feel the need or impulse to talk quite as often. Nothing wrong with that.

When people say girls are attracted to confident guys, i think what they mean is that they like guys who are talkative, interesting, funny, "cool"- and not afraid to go up to them, flirt and ask them out. Naturally, not all guys tend to behave like this, and trying to behave like this in the wrong situation can easily backfire. However, in some situations i think guys tend to exhibit such personality traits if they're comfortable enough with the situation. I'm starting to think of personality and behaviour in terms of wearing masks- some guys can wear the mask of confidence really convincingly in all situations, in others guys can only wear such a mask in certain situations.


One of my close friends is a bit of man-whore admittedly, he can easily get with women because he's both attractive and very talkative, but speaking as his friend, he doesn't regard himself as being confident as a person- he as all sorts of self doubts but the thing is they don't show until you really get to know him. Similarly, i was talking my friends brother about his success with the opposite sex, and his brother said he wasn't confident in himself either, and after some reflection i had to agree- he's tall, dark, attractive and most of the time quite boisterous and friendly, but he has tendency to go into some dark moods at times. From my personal experience, it's all about how well you wear the mask of confidence. I'm sceptical that it's got anything to do with being totally mentally at ease with yourself.

 

[Phasmal]

Confidence is tricky.
I don't particularly seek it out as a trait in someone I want to date, but I wouldn't date someone who has a chronic lack of it.
I don't want to have to reassure someone all the time because they lack self-esteem. I'm not interested in being anyone's mother or cheerleader.
So for me it's less `confidence` and more `has their shit together mentally`.

Also some guys find confident women intimidating. (Wusses). But there are plenty of cool dudes who like confident ladies.

 

[Karoshi]

guess i'm the odd one out cause i friggn love shy girls, so if you guys are not interested send em my way please.
not to say there isn't a lower limit on it but generally i'd prefer a mousey well presented chick to one that runs around flopping her tits out hoping for everyone approval

Spoiler

Gee, thanks! We'll be sending shy girls to your doorstep as long as they are not too ugly. All women with tanktops will be terminated on sight.

On topic: Confidence is attractive since it helps showing what kind of person they are. They tend to talk more, give their honest opinion on things even if it's a polarizing one and generally don't hide their passions or hobbies. They show their colours and you can more or less figure out what it would be like going out of them.

Shy persons in most cases don't stand out and most people are indifferent to them. They may have as vibrant and interesting personalities as others, but getting them out of their shell is like pulling teeth.

 

[KingsGambit_v1legacy]

The reason isn't because of evolution, dislike of shyness or even "knowing what he wants" or "can get things done". That's all nonsense. Confidence is the greatest indicator of something else, something underlying and that something is what people are attracted to. A lack of confidence is at its most basic level, a symptom of not being entirely at peace with oneself, not liking the person one is, not being happy with the life one leads and/or not believing that one is a person worth loving, or even liking. These are turn-offs; who will love a man who doesn't even like himself?

Confidence is the outward expression of a man with self-assurance and self-belief. He is happy and at peace with the person he is and projects that visibly and unconciously. That's not to say that the person he is is necessarily attractive to every woman, he isn't. But he is happy with himself and his life, doesn't need other's approval nor anyone to affirm that he's a good man. He doesn't need to think of what to say and what not to say to impress someone, he is true to himself and comes across as natural and at ease. Others, potential partners in particular see this instinctively and what it says to them is "this is a man worth having".

 

[KingsGambit_v1legacy]

It's different in women though and for a different reason. Many men find shy women attractive. It's to do with "dominance" in a relationship, particularly in relation to the traditional role of a man being the head of a family and "wearing the trousers in the relationship". Many men dislike very confident or dominant women for preisely this reason; it is intimidating, off-putting and makes them feel threatened, lessened.

A shy woman however provides the opportunity to a man who is himself a little shy, lacking in complete self-assurance or who subconciously wants a relationship in which he can be more assertive. These relationships are usually very successful because there is constant giving by both parties and both provide precisely what the other needs.

Being shy and being self-confident aren't mutually exclusive; one can be both in fact. Self-confidence is a very attractive quality in either sex, while shyness is really only attractive in women. Men in general prefer a less-dominant woman while women, in general, prefer a more-dominant man.

 

[Uhura]

guess i'm the odd one out cause i friggn love shy girls, so if you guys are not interested send em my way please.
not to say there isn't a lower limit on it but generally i'd prefer a mousey well presented chick to one that runs around flopping her tits out hoping for everyone approval

"A mousey well presented chick" may very well be confident in herself whereas a girl who "runs around flopping her tits out hoping for everyone's approval" is not confident by definition. You know, because being desperate for everyone's approval isn't a sign of confidence. So it doesn't really sound like you're the odd one out.

 

[Vegosiux]

On topic: Confidence is attractive since it helps showing what kind of person they are. They tend to talk more, give their honest opinion on things even if it's a polarizing one and generally don't hide their passions or hobbies. They show their colours and you can more or less figure out what it would be like going out of them.

But that's just it. Assertivenes, talkativeness, that's not the same as "confidence". That can be just a mask too, no way can you know that's really their "true colors". See the post above by Nickolai77, which I heartily agree with.

Me, for example, usually stay out of small talk not because I'd be "shy", but because small talk bores me to hell and back.

 

[Hazy]

Confident dude here.

Women, nay, everyone likes someone they can rally behind. Somebody who knows what he is doing. That's why women love confidence - they love a man with direction.

 

[Shock and Awe]

Confidence usually (note: not always) some level of success and security. It gives the impression that the man is not some loser who can't take care of himself, much less someone else. Typically its a positive trait in women as well, its just talked about less. Its the same as humor, good looks, and intelligence. A good trait regardless of gender.

 

[JayElleBee]

If you want a more relevant example, Yahtzee.
.

huh?..I dont get it

no disrespect to Mr Yahtzee but he kind of seems a bit miserable...also a self professed introvert

Introvert =/= Lack of confidence. A lot of introverts are very confident people. They just don't particularly enjoy drawn out interaction with others for physiological reasons. As for Yahtzee's attitude, I'm pretty sure he's a giant ***** in his posts for the entertainment value. That's why people watch his videos. I doubt he's that cynical all day everyday, and even if he is, that doesn't mean he's not confident.

 

[Blood Brain Barrier]

They wanted a confident man because a confident man knows who he is, what he wants and is able to look after himself.

From my experience confident men most certainly don't know who they are. That's precisely why they are confident.

Confident dude here.

Women, nay, everyone likes someone they can rally behind. Somebody who knows what he is doing. That's why women love confidence - they love a man with direction.

But knowing what you're doing and having direction isn't confidence. You have to know you know, which really means you don't know at all.

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."
-Socrates (the most confident man in history?)

 

[Hagi]

Whether you are aware of it or not, whether you are a man or a woman, you will always be attracted to the Alpha-male/woman.

Confidence often hints to that.

Also for women, but I think genetic code (Looks/health) is more important for men, though. Because it ensures healthy/genetically superior offspring.

You can say a lot of deep things about relationships and love, but we're all just animals. We still think like animals whether we notice it or not.

On a note:

I do think confidence in women is important. It makes them stand out, it makes them sexy. As a man you can't help but feel like they've got something to back that confidence up (genetic code), because confidence is hard/impossible to fake. People will look right through you.

Also, confidence is the backbone of a healthy relationship.

You do realize that what's considered good looking changes basically every generation, sometimes vastly? I mean there were periods in history where woman's feet were basically mutilated to make them smaller because that was considered attractive, not exactly a sign of good health.

Or how there's no shortage of men who find women with glasses attractive, you know a physical sign of a minor genetic defect? There's countless more examples in human history when it comes to both female and male ideals that make not the least bit of sense when considered from a genetic standpoint.

Saying we're all just animals and think like them is as ignorant as saying we're totally different and think nothing like them. Not to mention that the base assumption that all animals think the same is about as ignorant as can be, there are vast differences in how each species behaves, to the point where they're not even remotely comparable, humans included.

 

[101flyboy]

Confidence exudes security. People, men and women, like feeling secure, when they're in relationships. We don't like insecure people. That's not a gender thing. True, some people are more insecure/confident about one thing over another, but generally people who are overall self-confident don't allow insecurities impede them from accomplishing things, or impede them from facing their insecurities and defeating them.

 

[DanDeFool]

It's basically a dipstick for successfulness. A successful person will be more confident, and successful people (generally speaking) tend to keep being successful.

Cuz, come on, nobody wants to partner up with someone who's struggling all the time.

 

[Karoshi]

On topic: Confidence is attractive since it helps showing what kind of person they are. They tend to talk more, give their honest opinion on things even if it's a polarizing one and generally don't hide their passions or hobbies. They show their colours and you can more or less figure out what it would be like going out of them.

But that's just it. Assertivenes, talkativeness, that's not the same as "confidence". That can be just a mask too, no way can you know that's really their "true colors". See the post above by Nickolai77, which I heartily agree with.

Me, for example, usually stay out of small talk not because I'd be "shy", but because small talk bores me to hell and back.

Talkativeness isn't everything. If you speak a lot, but it's all small talk in the end and you always just say "I suppose you are right" "Whatever" "Maybe" and never really speak your mind - that shows if a person ain't confident. Ever notice how when flirting some people always cave in and just claim that they "love everything you love"? As you said, that's a mask and a pretty bullshit one.

That's why I mentioned not only talking, but being honest and relaxed as well. Sure, one might have a set of fake opinions and hobbies, but I'm not sure how anybody could bear lying about yourself all the time.