Why does she keep telling me about guys hitting on her? Is she even interested anymore?

[Sabiancym]

*************I know the escapist might not be the best place for relationship advice (no offense lol), but I'm a bit drunk and am posting this on all the boards I go to because I need to solve this problem***********

*I kinda rambled a bit due to frustration and wanting to explain as much as possible. Sorry*

So I met this girl about a month ago and things started off amazingly. We hit it off better than I've ever seen two people hit it off. We literally spent 4 hours a night just sitting at the bar talking. We would go with a bunch of our friends, but her and I always ended up talking and laughing all night. After a week or so she was already spending the night every night and we both seemed incredibly happy. Hell, her friends would constantly talk about how it seems like we've been together for years since we were so much alike in our interests and personalities.

I never officially asked her out. We had talked about it, but she had just gotten out of a relationship that had ended because the guy hit her. I actually took her to his house to get her stuff because he wouldn't send it to her and she was too afraid to go alone. So she wasn't ready to rush into things.

She stopped spending the night after a couple weeks, but we were still going out a lot and still kissing a lot. Then not long after I realized that she only seemed to hang out with me when other people came with in a group. If I asked her to go with just me somewhere she would kinda ignore it or sidestep it, never saying no or yes. However, if I asked her if she wanted to go to a party with me, she'd always say yes immediately. I was worried, but figured I was reading too much into it.

Then one night we're out to eat with two of her friends. She was going to ride home with them, so when we were in my car (her friends had already gotten out) I said goodbye and leaned in for a goodnight kiss like we always have done.....she turned her head and made me kiss her on the cheek. She then hugged me, said goodnight, and left....I was kinda stunned, but I convinced myself it was because her friends were right outside, even though she had kissed me in front of her friends before.

Then my fear was validated. The next time we hung out was a few days later when I had to take her to the airport. She was going to be gone for a week so I was pretty bummed and wanted to wish her off. When we get to the airport and it's time to say goodbye. Before I get a chance to move in she says "Hug". I hug her and say goodbye, and before I can kiss her when the hug is over she takes off.......I spent the week she was gone in fucking misery thinking she was screwing other guys down there or just generally done with me. I couldn't find a single reason why she would be, but I was very confused.

When I pick her up from the airport a week later, she tells stories about guys hitting on her and giving her their number. She always says she blows them off, but why the hell does she tell me this? We're not technically "together" , but at one point she had told me that she wasn't looking at other guys at all because she liked me so much, but wasn't ready to get in to a relationship. So why all of a sudden is she talking about guys hitting on her? When we get back to her place she again sidesteps my kiss and only hugs me. She acts like it's nothing either, like we had always only hugged.

That was a bout a week ago and I haven't kissed her since. I'm very confused because she still texts and talked to me a lot as well as going out. It's still usually us and some friends, but we always drive just me and her and she has continued to tell me about guys approaching her. Sometimes it's the first thing she says when I see her. Here is an actual conversation that occurred when I met her and her friend at a bar one night.

Me: "Hey babe how are you."

Her: "OMG look at this receipt. The waiter gave me his number on the back. He was really creepy."

Me: "Oh yeah? Here, let me throw it away."

Her: " OK haha. You sure you don't want to call him"

Me: "Haha very funny.....was he hot?"

Her: *Laughs*


Not hi at all. No kiss, no hug, just a story about how some guy hit on her....

I'm pretty worried. At one point I thought that this girl was the one. If there really is someone for everyone, she was my someone. So now I don't know what to think or do.

How do we go from having sex every night, going out every night, and not being able to keep our hands off each other when we're out at clubs, to the only physical contact at all being a goodnight hug....and WHY THE HELL DOES SHE KEEP TELLING ME ABOUT OTHER GUYS HITTING ON HER? Sorry for the caps, but that's the really annoying part.

If she's trying to make me jealous, what is she hoping will happen? We're not in a relationship, so I technically couldn't stop her from going out with another guy, but as far as I know she isn't....and believe me I've paid very close attention to make sure she isn't. Does she want me to just take control and romance her into a relationship?

It's not like I'm not paying attention to her. I give her stuff all the time. Not just crappy basic stuff, real well thought out stuff that I know means a lot to her. I gave her and her entire family first row tickets to their favorite football team's game. I gave her young niece some Hannah Montana toys that she had been wanting.

I even went to the trouble of going down the the local newspaper and scouring through records to find an article that had a story and picture of her now deceased mother in it. I framed it and gave it to her. Her mother had died just after she had graduated high school, and she always talks about how she misses her, so I figured this would be something good to give her. She started crying when she saw it and gave me a huge hug, said it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for her....but didn't kiss me then, and still hasn't.

So what do I do girls? Why is she doing this? I'm willing to be her "friend" for a freaking decade if that's what it takes to get her, but I'm starting to fear she's losing interest in me......but if that's the case why does it seem like she's trying to make me jealous with all these guy stories? I might be in love with her, and if I'm not, I would be pretty quickly if we actually made it official. I've had girls give me their numbers since I met her, but not only do I just throw them away, I don't tell her about them because she wouldn't like it.

She's extremely attractive and has really vibrant red hair (Dyed) so she's always going to get guys attention. When I'm around I make it clear that she's with me and she never seems to mind.....so what the hell is going on? I need this girl and I know that no one could make her happier than me.....what do I do?


Sorry for the long thread. Just kinda frustrated......

 

[DiMono]

She's doing it to demonstrate to you that other people find her desirable, in the hope that you will properly ask her out. Don't be a dick about it, but engage her in a romantic relationship, or she'll see your failure to do so as a lack of interest, and she'll lose hers in you.

 

[Sabiancym]

She's doing it to demonstrate to you that other people find her desirable, in the hope that you will properly ask her out. Don't be a dick about it, but engage her in a romantic relationship, or she'll see your failure to do so as a lack of interest, and she'll lose hers in you.

Yeah, but she specifically told me that she's not ready for a relationship yet. And why would she expect me to ask her out if she's not letting me kiss her? She has to know that that is hurting/confusing me.

I'm not new to dating and have had girls tell me about other guys before. I know it's because they're trying to make me jealous so they can get me to do something to show them that I want them, but the whole not kissing thing and saying she's not ready is adding a new level of confusion.

 

[StarsintheBlood]

Some women who are abused get scared to be alone with new guys. Maybe she's nervous about moving too fast and winding up in another situation. My advice is to talk reasonably with her. Don't assume anything. If she's the one, you should be able to talk openly about difficult subjects- hell, if you want to have a future it's something you're gonna have to get used to doing together.

 

[ZeroMachine]

First off, it's only been a month. It is very rare that a real, true connection is created in that short amount of time, even if the amazing chemistry is there. Trust me, I've been there.

Second, you're obsessing over a girl that, again, (EDIT: Holy missing words, Batman! "you've only known for a month" should have been here.) It isn't inherently unhealthy to be incredibly infatuated with someone, but you're acting as if you've been in an official, exclusive relationship for a year.

Third, the advice- TALK TO HER. Be blunt (but kind). Tell her that you want to know what this is between you two. "Are we an item, or have you lost interest in me in that regard?" If she says she isn't sure, then say "alright, I'll give you time to think it over" and then make it clear you'll be treating her as a friend during that period. You shouldn't be getting big gifts for the family of someone you've known for a month, but since you already have, you need to point out to her that you can't act like you're in a relationship if you aren't. If she says she's lost interest, then so be it. Be her friend if you can. Just move on. Don't let this get to you.

And if she says she wants a relationship, ask her what she wants out of it, and tell her what you want out of it. Just... don't be too forward. Again, you've only known each other for a month. Build the relationship up. Don't act like it's all already there, pre-made. It isn't.

Now, one last thing to say, and please, PLEASE take this to heart:

YOU DO NOT NEED HER.

There are billions of people in the world. It may absolutely SUCK trying to find one you can fit with, but there isn't just one. There are many. Just don't ever feel like you've lost your "one chance". I basically went through the same situation you're going through. I thought I needed her. What happened? We broke up. Ten days later, I found my first real love. Which, admittedly, went down in flames, but it was an experience that I needed.

So don't sell yourself short. People do need each other, but you don't need her. Especially if the worst case scenario- she's taking advantage of you emotionally- is true.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Sabiancym]

Some women who are abused get scared to be alone with new guys. Maybe she's nervous about moving too fast and winding up in another situation. My advice is to talk reasonably with her. Don't assume anything. If she's the one, you should be able to talk openly about difficult subjects- hell, if you want to have a future it's something you're gonna have to get used to doing together.

She couldn't be scared to be with me alone. She slept with me every night for a few weeks....

I will bring it up eventually, but I don't want to say something wrong.

 

[Jauffre]

Confront her and tell her to stop dicking with you and ask what she's on about.

 

[StarsintheBlood]

Some women who are abused get scared to be alone with new guys. Maybe she's nervous about moving too fast and winding up in another situation. My advice is to talk reasonably with her. Don't assume anything. If she's the one, you should be able to talk openly about difficult subjects- hell, if you want to have a future it's something you're gonna have to get used to doing together.

She couldn't be scared to be with me alone. She slept with me every night for a few weeks....

I will bring it up eventually, but I don't want to say something wrong.

Maybe it's not about being with you alone per say, but about moving too fast. It's only been a month, and it seems to have gotten serious quite fast. She could be scared that she'll get caught up in the excitement of a too-good-to-be-true relationship, and wind up back where she started. I know it sounds weird, but when someone is abused, they may develop paranoia in certain departments.

 

[Sabiancym]

First off, it's only been a month. It is very rare that a real, true connection is created in that short amount of time, even if the amazing chemistry is there. Trust me, I've been there.

Second, you're obsessing over a girl that, again, It isn't inherently unhealthy to be incredibly infatuated with someone, but you're acting as if you've been in an official, exclusive relationship for a year.

Third, the advice- TALK TO HER. Be blunt (but kind). Tell her that you want to know what this is between you two. "Are we an item, or have you lost interest in me in that regard?" If she says she isn't sure, then say "alright, I'll give you time to think it over" and then make it clear you'll be treating her as a friend during that period. You shouldn't be getting big gifts for the family of someone you've known for a month, but since you already have, you need to point out to her that you can't act like you're in a relationship if you aren't. If she says she's lost interest, then so be it. Be her friend if you can. Just move on. Don't let this get to you.

And if she says she wants a relationship, ask her what she wants out of it, and tell her what you want out of it. Just... don't be too forward. Again, you've only known each other for a month. Build the relationship up. Don't act like it's all already there, pre-made. It isn't.

Now, one last thing to say, and please, PLEASE take this to heart:

YOU DO NOT NEED HER.

There are billions of people in the world. It may absolutely SUCK trying to find one you can fit with, but there isn't just one. There are many. Just don't ever feel like you've lost your "one chance". I basically went through the same situation you're going through. I thought I needed her. What happened? We broke up. Ten days later, I found my first real love. Which, admittedly, went down in flames, but it was an experience that I needed.

So don't sell yourself short. People do need each other, but you don't need her. Especially if the worst case scenario- she's taking advantage of you emotionally- is true.

Best of luck to you!

It's been about 6 weeks, I sold it short, but I'm not some shy gamer guy who's not that experienced. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I go out with girls all the time. I've only had 4 real girlfriends, but I've probably gone out with/had flings with 50+. I've always been able to approach girls and get their numbers. Again, I'm not bragging and I'm not some douchebag jersey shore like guy who just goes for one night stands. When I go out with girls it's because I am looking for a relationship, not just sex. I just want to show that I know girls and I never obsessed about any of them like I am this girl. Unless she's completely lying about herself, I know she's the one. After all that dating I've pretty much nailed down the type of girl I want and she's it.

 

[ZeroMachine]

First off, it's only been a month. It is very rare that a real, true connection is created in that short amount of time, even if the amazing chemistry is there. Trust me, I've been there.

Second, you're obsessing over a girl that, again, It isn't inherently unhealthy to be incredibly infatuated with someone, but you're acting as if you've been in an official, exclusive relationship for a year.

Third, the advice- TALK TO HER. Be blunt (but kind). Tell her that you want to know what this is between you two. "Are we an item, or have you lost interest in me in that regard?" If she says she isn't sure, then say "alright, I'll give you time to think it over" and then make it clear you'll be treating her as a friend during that period. You shouldn't be getting big gifts for the family of someone you've known for a month, but since you already have, you need to point out to her that you can't act like you're in a relationship if you aren't. If she says she's lost interest, then so be it. Be her friend if you can. Just move on. Don't let this get to you.

And if she says she wants a relationship, ask her what she wants out of it, and tell her what you want out of it. Just... don't be too forward. Again, you've only known each other for a month. Build the relationship up. Don't act like it's all already there, pre-made. It isn't.

Now, one last thing to say, and please, PLEASE take this to heart:

YOU DO NOT NEED HER.

There are billions of people in the world. It may absolutely SUCK trying to find one you can fit with, but there isn't just one. There are many. Just don't ever feel like you've lost your "one chance". I basically went through the same situation you're going through. I thought I needed her. What happened? We broke up. Ten days later, I found my first real love. Which, admittedly, went down in flames, but it was an experience that I needed.

So don't sell yourself short. People do need each other, but you don't need her. Especially if the worst case scenario- she's taking advantage of you emotionally- is true.

Best of luck to you!

It's been about 6 weeks, I sold it short, but I'm not some shy gamer guy who's not that experienced. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I go out with girls all the time. I've only had 4 real girlfriends, but I've probably gone out with/had flings with 50+. I've always been able to approach girls and get their numbers. Again, I'm not bragging and I'm not some douchebag jersey shore like guy who just goes for one night stands. When I go out with girls it's because I am looking for a relationship, not just sex. I just want to show that I know girls and I never obsessed about any of them like I am this girl. Unless she's completely lying about herself, I know she's the one. After all that dating I've pretty much nailed down the type of girl I want and she's it.

*Contemplation face*

Hm... well, I can see that you're very set on this. I can't give any more advice than I did. Don't take being shot down to heart, and don't think she's the "One and Only".

But I gotta get, as you said, "Douchebag Jersey Shore" for a second.

50+?

Damn.

 

[The Lugz]

Translation:

she wants you to ask her out properly

go do it.

now.

 

[DragonFae]

Okay, my take on the whole thing is that she's not feeling secure in the relationship. You said that she'd just gotten out of a abusive relationship before you met. That would make her doubt her own judgement. Women will often tell the man they're with about other men hitting on them to make them jealous, to make them pay more attention.

The fact that she's still seeing you, so to speak, shows that she's still interested in you. If she wasn't, she'd break things off. She could have just gotten worries about how fast things were developing between the two of you and wanted to slow things down. She just needs you to show her that you care about her and are willing to put time and effort into courting her. Also, things from her previous relationship could have suddenly reared up inside her, making her shaky emotionally. Just give her a bit of time. But make a point of telling her that you care about her, but do it in a way that shows you don't expect her to say it back. She needs to know that you're there for her and will stick it out, good times and bad.

 

[Vrach]

Get her alone, talk to her, explain how you feel, don't let her sidestep the subject.

Then, if she doesn't feel the same way about you, drop all contact with her. You don't need someone you feel that way about near you all the time when they don't want to be with you. It's gonna fuck you up and fuck you up bad, as bad as it's gonna suck to drop contact with her, the prolonged torture of being around her will be a 100 times worse, especially when she eventually finds someone or you break it off at a later point. Trust me, been there, done that, got a closet full of t-shirts.

To be honest, it sounds like it's one of two things. Either she wants you to make the relationship official (something that two people having sex should've done a long time ago when at least one of them feels the way you do) or she's keeping you on the hook. I'd like to be an optimist and believe the former, but experience has taught me otherwise. Let's hope I'm wrong.

 

[Shadow flame master]

I'm pretty sure that there's an Escapist on here who has an impressive pimp-stick you could borrow to help.

OT: I seriously wish I could help you with your relationship worries, but as I have never been in one, I don't have the slightest clue of how to help. I guess you could start by confronting her about the guys hitting on her or give her an ultimatum or something.

And about the pimp-stick, it works wonders on people. My mom uses it every now-and-again to keep her co-workers (hoes)in check.

 

[Sabiancym]

First off, it's only been a month. It is very rare that a real, true connection is created in that short amount of time, even if the amazing chemistry is there. Trust me, I've been there.

Second, you're obsessing over a girl that, again, It isn't inherently unhealthy to be incredibly infatuated with someone, but you're acting as if you've been in an official, exclusive relationship for a year.

Third, the advice- TALK TO HER. Be blunt (but kind). Tell her that you want to know what this is between you two. "Are we an item, or have you lost interest in me in that regard?" If she says she isn't sure, then say "alright, I'll give you time to think it over" and then make it clear you'll be treating her as a friend during that period. You shouldn't be getting big gifts for the family of someone you've known for a month, but since you already have, you need to point out to her that you can't act like you're in a relationship if you aren't. If she says she's lost interest, then so be it. Be her friend if you can. Just move on. Don't let this get to you.

And if she says she wants a relationship, ask her what she wants out of it, and tell her what you want out of it. Just... don't be too forward. Again, you've only known each other for a month. Build the relationship up. Don't act like it's all already there, pre-made. It isn't.

Now, one last thing to say, and please, PLEASE take this to heart:

YOU DO NOT NEED HER.

There are billions of people in the world. It may absolutely SUCK trying to find one you can fit with, but there isn't just one. There are many. Just don't ever feel like you've lost your "one chance". I basically went through the same situation you're going through. I thought I needed her. What happened? We broke up. Ten days later, I found my first real love. Which, admittedly, went down in flames, but it was an experience that I needed.

So don't sell yourself short. People do need each other, but you don't need her. Especially if the worst case scenario- she's taking advantage of you emotionally- is true.

Best of luck to you!

It's been about 6 weeks, I sold it short, but I'm not some shy gamer guy who's not that experienced. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I go out with girls all the time. I've only had 4 real girlfriends, but I've probably gone out with/had flings with 50+. I've always been able to approach girls and get their numbers. Again, I'm not bragging and I'm not some douchebag jersey shore like guy who just goes for one night stands. When I go out with girls it's because I am looking for a relationship, not just sex. I just want to show that I know girls and I never obsessed about any of them like I am this girl. Unless she's completely lying about herself, I know she's the one. After all that dating I've pretty much nailed down the type of girl I want and she's it.

*Contemplation face*

Hm... well, I can see that you're very set on this. I can't give any more advice than I did. Don't take being shot down to heart, and don't think she's the "One and Only".

But I gotta get, as you said, "Douchebag Jersey Shore" for a second.

50+?

Damn.

Not dated dated, just gone out with.

If I went to dinner with a girl, I counted it. So that 50 is everything from an hour at Steak and Shake to a 3 year long relationship. I don't sleep with girls I just meet, and I didn't want to come off that way.

 

[Sabiancym]

Get her alone, talk to her, explain how you feel, don't let her sidestep the subject.

Then, if she doesn't feel the same way about you, drop all contact with her. You don't need someone you feel that way about near you all the time when they don't want to be with you. It's gonna fuck you up and fuck you up bad, as bad as it's gonna suck to drop contact with her, the prolonged torture of being around her will be a 100 times worse, especially when she eventually finds someone or you break it off at a later point. Trust me, been there, done that, got a closet full of t-shirts.

To be honest, it sounds like it's one of two things. Either she wants you to make the relationship official (something that two people having sex should've done a long time ago when at least one of them feels the way you do) or she's keeping you on the hook. I'd like to be an optimist and believe the former, but experience has taught me otherwise. Let's hope I'm wrong.

The only way I'd drop all contact was if she told me to or if she did something really bad to me. Other than that there's no way I'd stop talking to her. Even if it's only as a friend.

I had planned on talking to her, but I want to do it face to face and haven't had the chance in a week or so. Plus I wanted to digest everything and get some advice.

At first I thought about going and picking up a girl and then telling my girl(from now on we'll call her GIRL X) about this new girl I met, to try and make her jealous, but I figured that wouldn't help at all and two people trying to make each other jealous isn't the best for a relationship lol.

 

[Sabiancym]

I'm pretty sure that there's an Escapist on here who has an impressive pimp-stick you could borrow to help.

OT: I seriously wish I could help you with your relationship worries, but as I have never been in one, I don't have the slightest clue of how to help. I guess you could start by confronting her about the guys hitting on her or give her an ultimatum or something.

And about the pimp-stick, it works wonders on people. My mom uses it every now-and-again to keep her co-workers (hoes)in check.

Meh you're only in high school. Most of my experience with girls happened after 20.

Not that you asked for or need my advice, but if there's one word of wisdom I could tell guys it's to not listen to or read those how to pick up girl guides all over the place. They're fucking shallow and usually resort to playing mind games with the girl.

The best way to get a girl is to be genuinely interested and to be looking for more than just sex. Girl's can tell when a guy just thinks they're hot and that's all they want. I doubt I could be the guy you see on reality TV shows where they basically be an asshole and somehow end up with 4 girls. The truth about that is that those girls are as much of a waste of time as the dude and all of them will be alone or in shitty relationships in the end.

 

[red dragon 52]

Honestly dude, just man up, and have a talk to her about what your relationship is. Maybe she is telling you this stuff to bug you into making it official, maybe its because she wants to keep you in the friend zone. You don't know until you talk to her about it. If she wants to be exclusive with you, great, if not, stay friends and move on with your life, but don't keep it hanging.

 

[Loop Stricken]

Straight up, at 26 I have no knowledge of women. They terrify me, and the only one I thought I actually got to know somewhat, turned out to be a man. Yes, well, it's the internet.

That said I basically agree with this spoilered quote [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/jump/18.320506.13094724], because it's massive.

Spoiler

First off, it's only been a month. It is very rare that a real, true connection is created in that short amount of time, even if the amazing chemistry is there. Trust me, I've been there.

Second, you're obsessing over a girl that, again, (EDIT: Holy missing words, Batman! "you've only known for a month" should have been here.) It isn't inherently unhealthy to be incredibly infatuated with someone, but you're acting as if you've been in an official, exclusive relationship for a year.

Third, the advice- TALK TO HER. Be blunt (but kind). Tell her that you want to know what this is between you two. "Are we an item, or have you lost interest in me in that regard?" If she says she isn't sure, then say "alright, I'll give you time to think it over" and then make it clear you'll be treating her as a friend during that period. You shouldn't be getting big gifts for the family of someone you've known for a month, but since you already have, you need to point out to her that you can't act like you're in a relationship if you aren't. If she says she's lost interest, then so be it. Be her friend if you can. Just move on. Don't let this get to you.

And if she says she wants a relationship, ask her what she wants out of it, and tell her what you want out of it. Just... don't be too forward. Again, you've only known each other for a month. Build the relationship up. Don't act like it's all already there, pre-made. It isn't.

Now, one last thing to say, and please, PLEASE take this to heart:

YOU DO NOT NEED HER.

There are billions of people in the world. It may absolutely SUCK trying to find one you can fit with, but there isn't just one. There are many. Just don't ever feel like you've lost your "one chance". I basically went through the same situation you're going through. I thought I needed her. What happened? We broke up. Ten days later, I found my first real love. Which, admittedly, went down in flames, but it was an experience that I needed.

So don't sell yourself short. People do need each other, but you don't need her. Especially if the worst case scenario- she's taking advantage of you emotionally- is true.

Best of luck to you!

Here's hoping it all ends up well.

 

[Lord Mountbatten Reborn]

Sounds like it's time for the serious discussion part of the relationship.