Why not adopt?

[Quaidis]

If I was going to be responsible for a kid, I would want that kid to have my genetics and blood in them. I have good genes and talent and it would be a crying shame if they weren't carried on at some point in time.

There's another reason I would not adopt, and this is going to sound a ton more selfish than the last paragraph: I have this feeling deep down that I would not be emotionally attached to the offspring of someone I don't know compared to one I took part in. And if I am not going to love the kid I take in like I would my own flesh and blood, things can and will go downhill and neglectful from there. Why put the kid in that position? This isn't like taking in an abandoned puppy or kitten after all; this is a human being.

So yeah, the jist of what I'm saying is that I would have more of an attachment and personal responsibility to raise a child from the ground up than taking on one that was orphaned. I'm not living in a fairy tale here. I know where my lines are and where not to cross them. Adopting a kid? It will not end well if I were put in that spot.


Of course, that's all black and white. In a grey area, say I had a friend who had a kid and the friend died, putting the kid in my custody. I would likely take on the kid with the assumption that s/he was my own flesh and blood in lieu of my friend. But that's really stretching the line.

 

[Verlander]

People adopt with their heads, but parent with their hearts. I'd say it's a safe bet that 90% of people who claim would adopt, won't. It's worth noting that many children aren't planned either. Making a baby is insanely easy, while adopting really isn't, and the differences in relationship for the rest of your lives together would be insanely different. It's difficult to build up that sort of bond with someone unless you adopt a baby, and funnily enough those are the ones that go first...

 

[MetalMagpie]

The motivation being as an only child I personally think that in the long run having siblings will enrich your life, so I want more than one kid but I don't want to contribute to overpopulation.

No it won't.

Movies like to shove such crap in your face but it's simply not true. "enrich" your life? What does that even mean? Competition for attention from parents is "enriching" your life? If I understand what you think 'enrich' means then you're dead wrong... Brothers who actually "enrich" each other's lives are rare occurrences. Most just plain despise one another, though it does lessen later in life.

I have a brother and a sister, and I'd say they have both enriched my life quite a bit. For one thing, they taught me from an early age that I'm not the centre of the universe. They taught me about the need to share, and to cooperate.

I didn't always like my siblings growing up (my sister and I used to fight like cats in a bag), but they did me a lot of good. And now - as an adult - they're an invaluable source of support.

Besides, I can't imagine growing up not outnumbering my poor mother!

 

[FEichinger]

What kind of fucking question is that? Have we gotten to the point where the concept of wanting to have children of your own is alien to half the user base here?

Can only quote this yet again.
This is definitely gonna offend someone, but ... Could it be that it's the concept of having a loving relationship for anything other than the sake of "having it" is alien?

Don't get me wrong - I get the point of adopting for social reasons (if you legitimately want to better the life of an orphan or abandoned child, go ahead, all the power to you) or biological reasons (you and your partner can't have children - for whatever reason - ? Again, all the power to you), but this whole "We have overpopulation" and "pregnancy is terrifying" or "I couldn't even think of having a child of my own! Ew, disgusting!" feels ... off. Surely valid points to some extent, but the amount of people deciding on those grounds is ... disturbing.

At this point, currently on the brink of a relationship, at a rather young age, I don't dare to predict anything about whether or not I'm ever gonna reproduce, adopt or anything like that. I doubt that's something to be decided in the fashion many people seem to do so here.

 

[MetalMagpie]

It's a lot harder to love a kid you've adopted. My sister showed me this. She adopted a 5 year old. He's 10 now, and they don't act like family. They act as though she's a foster carer. It's really quite sad.

I hate to say it but anecodtal evidence, like this guys, is what makes me not want to adopt either.

My girlfriends aunt fostered some kids when they were small. She loves them and tries to do it from a young age so they feel like a family. She feeds them, genuinely cares for them and does her best to treat them like her real kids from what ive seen and heard. Without fail every single one has abused, stolen from and leeched from the relationship with her in a very cruel way. Im not going to blame the kids but the idea that they werent wanted or that it was another persons family kinda broke them. One ran away from her house for most of a year with some money, started doing drugs then contacted her out of the blue to say "Can you be here while i give birth?". The girl is 19. (I hate slut shaming but having a kid without telling your foster parent at that age is very unkind! Especially when she expects her to help her raise it). Basically all the stories i heard about fostering sounded like a living nightmare.

I cant imagine adopting (unless its a VERY VERY young child) because this might happen to me too. I would just feel like a safer family unit with biological kids. If im sterile ill happily adopt and feel no shame in doing so. Id just rather have my own kid. Also im the very last of my family so if i dont have kids thats the end for us! I just feel happier that way.

Stories like this make me really sad.

I occasionally volunteer at a youth group, and a few years back I ended up looking after a group of 9 to 12 year old kids on a summer camp. They were all mischievousness and full of beans in general (they were on a camping trip without their parents - what's not to get excited about?) but there were two girls that stood out by a country mile.

Before I was introduced to them for the first time, one of the organisers took me aside and said, "Those girls have been through a lot. Don't take any nonsense from them, but don't yell at them - don't even raise your voice. Too many people have yelled at them."

The pair were sisters in foster care, and they were nothing but trouble from the moment they turned up. They wouldn't do camp chores. They tried to run away whenever they thought they weren't being watched. If I asked them to do anything (brush their teeth, go to bed, etc.) they threw tantrums. They stole sweets from other children, and tried to take alcohol from the adults' tent. And for the entire week, they refused to move more than a few feet apart from each other.

I almost bit a hole in my lip with the effort of not yelling at them. When the last day of the camp arrived, I couldn't wait to get rid of them. I made sure to hand them over to their foster carer myself (who didn't look all that thrilled to be having them back). It was at that point that one of them said "Thank you, Emma. It's been really fun." Then they both gave me a big hug around my waist, one on either said. It was all I could do not to cry.

Kids who end up in care often enter the system damaged, and they only get more so as they're passed around between foster homes. They need adoptive parents with enough patience and enough love to keep caring for them, even when getting nothing in return.

Not sure I could do that.