Women of the Escapist: Keeping up appearances in order to reach "perfection"

[Parasondox]

Good day Escapist,

Yes it's Valentine's Day and I apologise in advice if I do bring a downer onto your day with this post. The main reason I have written this is because I want to find out something from you.

At the moment I am still thinking of a title that best suits this topic but finding that hard. I was speaking to a friend last night and she's from the US. I noticed she was upset and told me it was about how a guy she liked, kept bring up other girls he knew or seen pic. He admitted he had feelings for her but not a lot. During their conversations he often brought up how hot those girls were, sexy, fit, banging, gorgeous, she's just perfect etc. She stated that she never had those compliments towards her from him apart from, "you're cute". I see why she was upset. If I liked a girl and her and I were talking and she kept talking about how other guys were hot, handsome etc. I would be upset. It was then another comment came out where she stated because she didn't have blonde hair, extra smooth skin, look young and attractive, she would never fit the "American standards" of female beauty.

Mid Question: Can someone explain to me what this "American standard" of female beauty is? Is there such a thing or something that society kind of portrayal of what women should work towards? I sound may ridiculous but I am curious because my friend isn't the first person to say that.

So going back to the main point, do you, women of the Escapist, often feel pressured, or often times overly pressured, into looking "perfect" and fitting some sort of status quo. That you are told too often that you have to be a certain way in order to fit this thing or trend. That being a certain "standard" of beautiful will get you far in life. That it's more about looks that actually talent and personality. This actually applies to all ages from kids to teens to adults. You may have felt image conscious when you were a teenager and not any more when you are an adult or the other way round.

What do you think because I would like to know. As a young man, *cough* 23 *cough cough*, I found what my friend said a bit upsetting because she's trying hard to be something in order to attract several guys perception of whats hot and what's not. I'm not here to state any kind of war here just an understanding into what people here think and I may learn something new.

Thank you all for reading. If you have a comment and you are a guy too, then feel free to express yourself.

 

[Eamar]

Does that sort of pressure exist? Absolutely, 100%, and I see its effects on lots of the other women in my life (particularly my sister) all the goddamn time, and it's disgusting.

Do I feel it? Used to, and I would obsess over my appearance. I was a slave to fashion and shopping, and would basically turn my face into a blank canvas with foundation/concealer before applying more makeup. It was grim, and it didn't fit with my personality at all.

Then, when I was 16 I had an epiphany and suddenly realised what was happening. From that moment on, I made a conscious decision to tell that pressure to go fuck itself. I haven't worn makeup (no, not even for formal occasions, or to work, or when I have a bad breakout), bought a "women's lifestyle" or fashion magazine, followed fashion, used fake tan or anything else along those lines since then (I'm 22 now), and I'm a hell of a lot happier for it. I realised that the figure I want isn't that of a model or an actress, but something much more muscular and physically strong, so I started going to the gym and lifting weights to achieve that. Recently I've stopped caring about stuff like hair removal too (sometimes I do it, sometimes I don't, depends on whether I've got something better to do).

I've learned to dress how I actually want to dress, to accept the way my face looks, even when my skin's not perfect (although fun fact: it drastically improved once I stopped suffocating it with makeup), and generally got to a place where my appearance really isn't at the top of my priority list, or anywhere close.

That's not to say I don't like to look good, but I do it on my own terms now, not "society's", or, more accurately, the beauty industry's.

I know I'm a bit of an extreme case and not every woman would be happy following my approach, but it really does make me sad that pretty much every woman I know refuses to leave the house without makeup. That's just not right (and I'm blaming the pressure, not the women for that).

As for the "American ideal" thing, I'm British so I can't really give an accurate answer, but when I hear that phrase I automatically think of the beauty queen look - long blonde hair, tan, long legs, big breasts, crazily white, straight teeth, that sort of thing.

 

[Rose and Thorn]

I've never strived for some sort of goal or perfection, I figure I look the way I look and I can't do much about it. I did however used to be very self-conscious about my body when I was in secondary school. I was very skinny and would get comments on it. I used to hate my knees because they were too knobby so I never wore shorts, couldn't wear a swim suit because my ribs showed, wouldn't wear t-shirts/tanktops because I hated my thin arms and elbows, so I always wore long sleeves. I had a fast metabolism and couldn't gain weight. I had other problems too, I had something called trichotillomania, which means I would pull my hair out, so as much as I fought to have longer hair it would always end up uneven, split ends and looked like a mess. This would embrasses me so much that I would always wear a hat in school.

The kids also made me feel bad about all the old clothes I wore, how they were out of style. So I slowely tried to change how I looked. I never wanted to be perfect, I just wanted to not stand out.

That was almost 3-4 years ago now. School left some emotional scares, but overall I think I have come out of that self-conscious shell. I eventually got the nerve to just cut all my hair off and I embraced being skinny. I really don't care what anyone thinks about me anymore. I still get social anxiety, but it is nothing like it was in school. I dress how I want to dress now and I think I am beautiful, which is the only persons opinion that should really matter when it comes to beauty.

I never wanted to please anyone, I never wanted anyone to like me, I just hated being made fun of and standing out. The teens can be a rough time, as we get older I think we start caring less about superficial things like that, and not having to deal with immature little shits on a daily helps too.

I don't know what the American standard is, I just don't pay attention to things like that. I would tell your friend that having someone fall for you because she made herself look the way she thought he would like, is not a recipe for a good relationship, but young girls will be young girls.

 

[DementedSheep]

Do I get pressure about it? yes and I did try and go along with for a little bit as a teen and every once in a while I'll get stupid and start to care again for a day or two. I get told I should be wearing makeup, more skirts and high heels frequently since I'm an "adult now" so it's apparently no longer acceptable for me wear practical clothing and not smother crap on my face. It's not that I don't care about my appearance at all, I don't wonder around looking like a slob but I wear clothes I like and I'm not fussing with makeup for half an hour when I don't even like what most of it looks like anyway (lipstick especially).I don't care about it, maybe I would care if I felt the need to be a social butterfly or dating all the time but I don't. Although I don't blame this shit on men. It's woman who put the pressure on other woman.

I should also apparently watch shortland street and the like just for the sake of conversation with other women and get use to gossip since medical careers tend have a lot of woman. I'm not doing that either.

 

[Elfgore]

The american standard of beauty would probably be; Blonde, Slim, large breasts, nice ass, and pretty much whatever pornstars and models look like. So pretty much impossible without being very lucky or thousands in plastic surgery.

I remember my last year of high school, a girl came into my latin class without a single mark of makeup. She always appeared to not care at all when she did it too. She got my respect for doing that. Even the more unpopular girls wore makeup everyday and she was rather popular, so even more respect for that.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

This is not exclusively an American thing.

That being said, yep, most certainly. My older sister really cares about how she looks. We were going to the medieval fair and she spent three hours getting ready (not costumes or anything, just regular everyday prep), I told her it was unnecessary, we're going to a place where the ground is covered with hay and they have spitting camels and fabric eating donkeys. Her reasoning for it was "You never know who you'll run into" fair enough I guess.

Me, of course I felt the pressure, especially in middle school and high school, but aside from keeping myself in shape for personal health reasons, I could never be arsed to care much about what others think of my appearance. It's nice to be complimented on my looks, but I don't want that to be because I dressed myself up. If I meet a guy who likes me, it will be because he noticed I was wearing an LoZ T-shirt and we have things in common.

 

[Amethyst Wind]

I could never be arsed to care much about what others think of my appearance. It's nice to be complimented on my looks, but I don't want that to be because I dressed myself up.

To be fair, though, you do have those fabulous whiskers under your faceplate.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Oh, absolutely.

The quote (think Tosh said it), "Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're going to have to work" rings very true. Ugly women don't typically become actresses no matter how good they are. They don't become models or dancers. Beautiful ladies can be thick as shit and still earn a hefty wage with modelling. I'm not saying they all are stupid, but from my point of view, attractive females get it much better. They typically have an easier time at school too.

Fortunately the men I'm interested in do not like that sort of "beauty" and prefer someone who looks more natural. Being, uh... "visually challenged" has never stopped me finding a man before but I do still feel incredibly self concious with all the constantly photoshopped models we're bombarded with.

A recent (and personal) example is bra shopping. I always end up thinking, "my boobs don't look like theirs and their hips don't curve outwards as much as mine, is there something wrong with me?"
My spine curves over, my upper arms, thighs, hips and bum are huge. For years I haven't received a single insult regarding any of this, but I can't help compare myself to other women and feel inadequate.

It means less, the older you get. The people who date others based entirely on looks and because society deems their partners something to be proud of dating will rightly so probably end up miserable.

 

[Foolery]

Sometimes, I google celebrities just to see what they actually look like without any powder, eyeliner, etc. It's interesting.

Speaking as a male, makeup seems like a lot of thankless and unnecessary work. A woman without makeup is refreshingly attractive to me. Then again, I'm one of those dudes who thinks that pixie cuts or short hair can be cute.

 

[Chemical Alia]

When I was 14 or 15, I came home one day to see a bag of makeup on the kitchen table that my mom had bought for me. I had no interest in fashion, hair, makeup, or girls' toys up to that point in my life, but I was made fun of badly for my looks, my clothes, the part of town I lived in, and for not fitting in with the other kids/being kind of geeky.

I had one great friend, who is still my best friend. I had two other friends growing up at different points, and they both ditched me eventually for being a liability to their own coolness factor. So by the time I was in intermediate school, I was pretty desperate to do anything to blend in and take some of the strain of bullying off me. I started wearing makeup and taking more of an interest in fashion and trying to fit in, and by my last year of high school it might have MARGINALLY worked.

Until I got out of high school and got away from the people I grew up with, I was extremely self-conscious about my looks and shy to the point of being afraid of people my own age. Even to this day if I hear a group of young people laughing, my immediate thought is that it must somehow be at me.

After the army and as I accomplished more achievements in life, I became a lot more confident with myself as a person, and with my looks. Fashion and beauty sort of evolved into a hobby/interest for me, but I no longer feel any need to look a certain way to fit in with people. Anything I do to improve my looks is done for my own benefit, and I'm just as comfortable going out dressed up nice as I am with no make-up at all. Now I couldn't care less if someone judges me for not being perfect in one way or another.

But yeah, there was definitely a time when expectations of "how women should look" affected my life in a pretty terrible way. Everyone saw me as an awkward, hideous nerd and I began to think it was true.

A recent (and personal) example is bra shopping. I always end up thinking, "my boobs don't look like theirs and their hips don't curve outwards as much as mine, is there something wrong with me?"
My spine curves over, my upper arms, thighs, hips and bum are huge. For years I haven't received a single insult regarding any of this, but I can't help compare myself to other women and feel inadequate.

I hear you, my body shape is best described as "nature's mistake". My legs are too long and my torso is way too short, leaving me with no hips, no waist, big boobs, and broad shoulders. Nothing fits ever, but when it comes to a lot of clothes, I have a hard time imagining a human being that IS shaped properly to fit into that stuff.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Until I got out of high school and got away from the people I grew up with, I was extremely self-conscious about my looks and shy to the point of being afraid of people my own age. Even to this day if I hear a group of young people laughing, my immediate thought is that it must somehow be at me.

That's exactly how I feel. I hate walking past young teenagers or kids because I always feel like they're going to say something. For years, none of them ever have but I used to get it all the time until the point it was ingrained into me that kids can't keep their mouths shut. -_-
I think what did it is that I would walk with my head down, looking at the floor. It makes you look weak and an easy target. Now I walk with my head up and facing straight forwards. No one has said anything to me since.

I hear you, my body shape is best described as "nature's mistake". My legs are too long and my torso is way too short, leaving me with no hips, no waist, big boobs, and broad shoulders. Nothing fits ever, but when it comes to a lot of clothes, I have a hard time imagining a human being that IS shaped properly to fit into that stuff.

One thing I'm good at is dressing people for their body shape. But with myself I'm useless. I'm like "nope, look huge in it. Nope, thighs look massive. Nope, shoulders look too wide. Nope, boobs are nearly smacking me in the chin..."

I can see beauty in other women, just not in myself.

Also, I have to post this. Onion cutting ninjas.

 

[Voulan]

I used to never wear makeup at all when I was younger, and you'd be hard pressed to get me to wear a skirt or a dress. My idea of dressing up would be some nice jeans and a sweatshirt. Now I'm a bit more aware of fashion. I happily wear more girly outfits, although makeup is only a special occasion thing (mostly because I have no clue how to use it, I have to rely on a friend). It's less a conforming thing and more that I'm growing up and into myself, and I'm starting to gain more confidence in my appearance as quintessentially me. So instead of hiding in my clothes I'm looking to stand out just a little more.

I still have my moments, of course. Things like this:

Even to this day if I hear a group of young people laughing, my immediate thought is that it must somehow be at me.

are still a reality for me. There are times when I've dressed up a little and I walk around and regret my choice because it's too ostentatious, or I fear that other people think I'm trying to be like everyone else and I'm somehow failing. It's a work in progress.

But definitely there's a pressure there.

 

[Fishcactus]

Well, I can't really answer what "American standard" of female beauty is since i'm not American, but in my experience most guys aren't looking for supermodels. I know that guys often get stereotyped as looking for thin, blonde, attractive women, but all the guys i've met just want to date whatever they find attractive. Small boobs, a bit chubby, tattooed up, they all had their likes and dislikes just like women.
Just my observations from what i've seen and heard.

As for feeling pressure to look good...yes and no. I do see the pressure to look good - all the adverts and magazines and such, but I don't think it's had any effects on my self esteem or how I view myself.

When I was in my mid teens I tried waxing my legs, because that seemed like the thing to do. It worked well enough, but the amount of effort to keep them hair free was far too much for practically no gain. I just rock them au natural now.

On the other hand, I love makeup and hairstyling and fashion. I just see them as extensions of my personality, and as art in a way. Whether i'm painting on my face on or a bit of paper, it doesn't make much of a difference to me and both make me equally happy. I don't like the weird anti-makeup culture of shaming women who wear it, or the culture of shaming women who don't wear it. As with most aspects of being a woman, it's dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.

To sum up I guess i'd say that I do see the pressure that women are put under, and I see how women can have their self esteem, confidence and even mental health attacked by it. Me personally though, i've always just been content acting and dressing how I want.

 

[Adamantium93]

Well, I can't really answer what "American standard" of female beauty is since i'm not American, but in my experience most guys aren't looking for supermodels. I know that guys often get stereotyped as looking for thin, blonde, attractive women, but all the guys I've met just want to date whatever they find attractive. Small boobs, a bit chubby, tattooed up, they all had their likes and dislikes just like women.
Just my observations from what I've seen and heard.

As an American guy, maybe I can shed some light on this. While the above is true, it has been my experience that most "mainstream" guys do focus on a very specific kind of woman. The "American Standard" is essentially a pretension to perfection: crystal clear skin, large...endowments, a specific style of dress and mannerisms. It is hard to describe other than simply saying pornstar.

Truth is, most guys have a larger range of attraction than they'll readily admit. However, the reason why such impossible beauty is so heavily stressed is due more to the man's insecurity than anything else. Men are constantly in competition with each other, and no where is this competition more prevalent than in the realm of sex. Men want to have the largest...equipment, the best sexual prowess, and the hottest women because they want to be seen as powerful to their friends. The sad truth is that most men won't settle for "I like her and that's all that matters".

They are told from when they are too young to understand sex that they need to be the conquerors, the aggressors. Heck, my dad has told me that he is dissapointed I wasn't a womanizer (granted, he was drunk at the time, so take that with a grain of salt.) Men are put under intense pressure to be sexually active with as many pretty women as they can manage and failing to do so is seen as weakness.

Then these guys watch porn or even just watch TV and Movies and they see people who are paid to be the best looking people in the world, and they assume that they are supposed to be chasing THOSE women, and their perceptions of beauty are skewed and perverted. In return, this puts pressure on the girls to fit those standards and, since almost no one looks like that naturally, they resort to cosmetics and insane diet plans.

For the record, I'm not a fan of the ultra-thin, ultra perfect girl. I think stick-thin girls look ill and I find a girl who looks averagely pretty without makeup far more attractive than a girl who looks gorgeous with it (also, some girls who wear makeup look...well...scary when you get up close to them.)



All of that said, Fishcactus is right: guys may surprise you. Secretly, deep down, every guy will be happy with less than perfection provided she fits the right criteria (which change with each guy).


Hope that cleared some stuff up, though its possible I just muddied things up even more.

 

[Bravo Company]

Guy here.

I don't understand the whole "super skinny + big tits = attractive" motto that seems to be the thing these days. Why is unnaturally-skinny even a thing people consider good? Women shouldn't be trying to extreme diet/starve themselves to try to fit in with society when it is terrible for them.

Maybe it is just me, but a correctly proportioned and natural female body is way more attractive than any amount of plastic surgery. I dunno, it seems I'm in the minority with all my friends when I say I prefer smaller boobs on a girl than larger ones, (talking C cup and below) but then it all relates to how their body is anyway. Plus physical attractiveness can be put aside if the woman has a decent personality. (why is it so hard to find someone that is at least a little optimistic in this world?)

Lets not even talk about how women treat each other in the aspect of beauty. I've over heard some women engaging in conversation with each other; it is horrifying how much terrible stuff women will say about other women.

 

[sweetylnumb]

Well, i'll explain it like this. I was pressured all throughout my young teen years to lose weight (i was like size 14, hardly huge, bit chubby perhaps) and then i lost weight and went down to about size 8/10 (new zealand/australia sizes btw) and now i feel woefully ugly due to my lack of breast size. You just can't win if you arnt lucky enough to be born with a fast metabolism and large breasts.

So why bother.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

The pressure exists. I could tell you horror stories about how my parents bought me Slimfast and Richard Simmons exercise tapes for Christmas one year because I run in the 170-190 lbs. range (summer/active to winter/inactive), but I'm 5'9" with a generous top-portion, so to speak /shrug. I developed a bout of anorexia in my teens thanks to those "pressure" and an abusive ass of a boyfriend + his mother's really warped sense of "protectiveness."

Eventually I got over it. Mostly by deciding that if I was okay with myself then I would only surround myself with people who accepted that and realize that people who didn't weren't people I needed to worry about.

The pressure still exists and I still feel it. The media is probably the worst perpetuator of these things - there has been a lot of focus in the past few years on photoshopped celebrities and magazines and commercials and all the touching up that makes impossible beauty (and I mean literally impossible - even for the people who seem to look that way after all the editing) appear to be commonplace. The myth of perfection is screwing up plenty of people right now I'm sure.

It helps a lot that I have a significant other securely in my life for the past dozen years (going on 13) who - and I'm not calling out anything about guys here, this is the way HE puts it to friends of ours - "tries to hump my leg every time we're alone together." Nothing like being told you're sexy all the time by someone you love to really boost your self-esteem. Still. When we go out to dinner tomorrow night for Valentine's Day I know I'll be thinking of how I look compared to the other ladies there and measuring myself against them - always lacking because we're cruel to ourselves in ways we'd never be openly to others - and that's just the shitty state of society at this point I guess.

Most guys - and I have a lot more guy friends and girl friends in part because of this competitive nature in looks and other BS - tell me they'd rather a real girl who has good stuff on the inside to a beauty who is a *****, but they drool over jiggle-physics in games with the rest of the world and don't understand the mixing of the message.

 

[Robert Marrs]

Im not a woman but I was lucky enough to be raised in an environment that does not value the extreme standards of beauty that seems to be prevalent in some places. As such its hard for me to feel sympathy for women or men who feel like they don't meet those standards. I find plastic surgery or breast implants to be utterly repulsive and a sign of weakness (unless its for reasons like reconstructive surgery) and usually favor more natural looking women over barbie dolls. I have the pressure from society to look a certain way and act a certain way but I don't quite fit that bill. I also don't constantly complain about that because its not really important what other people want me to be.

Edit: By the way when I say environment I mean my home. I do live in america.

 

[Longing]

I feel like a lot of the guys who say they prefer natural women really mean they prefer naturally pretty women. You better already have flawless skin because if you use makeup you're cheating.