Would any of the female escapists be kind enough to offer me some advice?

[JayRPG]

This thread appears ill-advised but I am actually completely losing my mind and I have no idea what to do and nobody to ask, so here I am, I'll try and keep it as short and to the point as possible but it is going to be rather long. Both the girl and myself are in our early-mid 20's.

Girl comes into work to see my boss last September, get brief introduction to girl (Hey xxxx, this is xxxx - Hi / Hi - bye), she works in another store for the same company so we don't actually work together. I didn't tell anybody at the time but I was actually infatuated from the first second but I was down on myself and knew I was no where near attractive enough for her, fast forward to December and I've lost 25kgs (around 55lbs), dropped my body fat percentage, and toned up. I was feeling good about myself at this point.

We had a work Christmas party coming up and my boss organised for a get together with a few of us after the christmas party, about a week before it I told my boss (who is good friends with the girl who I will now call J for convenience) that I may like J. She told me some stories, which basically boiled down to 'She likes boys/the single life'.

The work christmas party rolls around, I haven't spoken to, or even seen J since that very first time months back, and only my boss knows that I may like her, I jumped on a chance and sat next to her at the christmas party (which was a Japanese teppanyaki restaurant), we talked casually and I offered her a drink when I got up to get one, I didn't really drop any hints. After the party we are all heading back to my bosses place for the get together but J isn't coming, my boss shows me that J texted her about me (basically said I was nice, but the text wasn't coaxed, she just sent it after the christmas party).

So later that night I get quite drunk and... drunk text J (woooops), J acted surprised that I liked her, and she was dual messaging me and my boss (who was doing her best to wingman, it has to be said), in the morning I apologised, we had a little laugh but didn't talk after that.

Almost a week goes by and at 11 o'clock or so on the following saturday night... she drunk texts me, and it's a little more aggressive than my session. Without going in to too much detail she heavily implied she would like to sleep with me, and that she was coming to get together at my bosses in a few weeks that I was also going to.

We talked for days after that, and this is where everything started getting complicated, I believe she was under the impression that all I wanted to do was sleep with her, and during a conversation I may have accidentally said that I 'like-liked' her (not in those words). Conversations after that turned to trepidation about the employment situation, she said she'd done the whole sleeping with a co-worker thing and it can go badly (this only came up after the revelation I might want more than a 1 night stand).

At the get together I just acted normal and didn't come on to her, towards the end of the night I feigned the same trepidation and asked her for 1 date, and promised it wouldn't get weird. She told me to wait and see if I'm still interested in her when she got back from a 6 week tour/holiday to the US. I agreed.

I literally counted the days, and I knew exactly when she was back, I'm not the smoothest guy out there (I'm actually rather hopeless) but I know what desperation and neediness looks like, I wrote messages dozens of times and deleted them without sending them to her so I wouldn't come off desperate, then about 2 days later she actually messages me first, I was feeling fairly confident at this point.

We talked semi-regularly, I always found a way to sneak a compliment or 2 into every conversation, then I was out shopping one day (in the mall/centre where the store she works at is) and I did the cringe-worthy thing of buying her cupcakes and bringing them to her (sometimes I cannot suppress the hopeless me), she messaged me after work, thanked me and then asked me what she did to deserve them, I said something pretty cute, she giggled, and then I took my chance and asked her about the date.

She told me to suggest something I had in mind and then she would think about it. The Alpha in me took over and all I wrote back was "Dinner. Netflix. I'll cook". She replied "You've done your research." and then it trailed off after that and I didn't speak to her for days.

The weekend following I had to travel up to my brother's for his wedding, and before this next bit I just have to tell you that at this point I had heard J tell stories about guys she'd hooked up with and sat there and listened to her rattle off the list of stereotypical guys (for the areas she was going to) she was going to have sex with on her holiday at the get together a couple of months prior, but anyway, I let it slip that I made out with a girl at the wedding (didn't sleep with her) and J got quite angry.

I then proceeded to make myself look absolutely insane to J because I basically admitted to being head over heels with her even though we'd never had a single date or spent any meaningful time together. It was a big, long message and I honestly wasn't expecting a reply (I was expecting to be blocked) but about half an hour later she said she'd read it several times and didn't know what to say. I said some more cringe-worthy things before heading to bed after she told me she needs to think it over.

The next day she asked me if she could ask me a question, I said yes, and she asked what it is that I actually wanted, what my ideal outcome was. I said that I didn't know what it was she wanted, and that my ideal outcome is any outcome that ends with me being close to her. I said that I would like to go on a date and see where things go, and she never replied.

After 5 days of not hearing from her I just assumed any chance I had with her was gone, and just tried to put it out of my mind.

Then, last night, she drunk texts me. It was casual, she asked me what I was doing, she told me she was drinking, I said that I was going to message her earlier to apologise for coming off insane and she said she didn't think I was insane. She asked how I was feeling about it, and I said "feeling about you?"

"Still the same?" - J
"I still think you are impossibly gorgeous, funny, and incredibly desirable. Yes." - Me
"But you haven't seen me lately!" - J
"Just makes me want you more" - Me
"Haha why?" - J
"A mixture of anticipation and the ever-cliche'd wanting what you can't have" - Me
"Well I'll keep being what you can't have then" - J

She then proceeds to tease me on her way home with the prospect of her staying the night if she only knew an hour earlier that I lived in the same suburb the house party was in (she knew I lived in that suburb), when she got home she sexted me, she kept the teasing going and I did say that I could still come and pick her up, she says "oh really?" and I asked if she underestimates how badly I want her and she says "Tell me how much you want me", I downplayed the sexuality of it and said something sweet about running my fingers through her hair, she says she loves it and wants to hear more, more sexting ensues and I tell her I've never wanted anyone more than her - "I find that hard to believe" and then I asked her what it would take to make her believe, she says I don't know and asks if I have any suggestions, I write another thing in a similar vain to the sweet thing earlier she loved.

No reply, I offer to call her, no reply. I waited an hour and then assumed she fell asleep, I left her a message saying she could message me in the morning/when she wakes up and I'll bring her a powerade and some hangover food and ended it with a Night, Gorgeous.

I downloaded an app on my phone to endlessly repeat notification tones and slept with my phone in my hand, basically waking up every hour anyway. The message ticked over to "seen" at around 7 am. No message, no text. Lunchtime no message, 2-3-4pm no message. By this point I am actually beside myself, I feel queezy, I can't concentrate. I got on my exercise bike and hammered it for 2 hours straight only listening to music which is something I've never done before. Around 6 or so I just send her a casual message asking how her day was, the message ticks over to "seen" within a few minutes and it is now past midnight and she still hasn't replied.

I am not kidding when I say I am actually losing my mind, I am going crazy, I would do literally anything just for her to reply to me at this point.

Before last night I was basically at the point where I thought any chance I had with her for anything was completely over, and then that happened, and now she is back to completely ignoring me.

I can't tell if she trying to make me suffer, or if I'm just a drunken fantasy, or if she is embarrassed or scared, or if she even likes me at all. I just.. I am just so stressed out. I am irrationally head over heels for her - I have never been this worried about whether a girl likes me or not before, not even with my actual previous girlfriends.

I have no idea what to do.. I feel like messaging her again is the wrong move but I can't sit here for the next week not sleeping or being able to concentrate on anything while I wait for her to reply.

This has become ridiculously long and complicated and I'm sorry, but does anyone have any advice? and/or can anyone shed some light on what might be happening here?

 

[L. Declis]

Not a women, but I've fucked up with enough women to be able to give you a little guidance.

When you made out with the other girl? You done fucked up. While you may not be going out officially, you had begun courting her and then you make out with another girl? That's not a good sign.

Notice she now only contacts you when she's drunk? She likes the attention, but you're not the guy she thought you were, and you've kinda disappointed her expectations. Sure, she likes you, but you made out with someone else and that would sting like hell.

So now she kinda contacts you when she feels like it, she enjoys talking to you, but when she sobers up, she remember "Ah, wait, no, I don't really feel that way about him".

Also, you're the guy who says "Oh my god, I love you so much" and then kisses another girl. Mixed signals? A bit of a straight up lie? You already kinda came on hard when you said "Oh my god, I love you", but then you kiss another woman? When she said "Oh, you say this to all the girls", she meant it. From her perspective, you went from her to another. Is that how much your words mean?

She sexted you? Congrats, she was horny. Doesn't mean she trusts or likes you. If you play your cards right, you might get a one night stand out of this. But a relationship? I can say with 80% certainty that you've probably harpooned this in the flank and water is coming in fast.

If you're serious about her, you need to ask her to meet up with you, not in a sexy or a date way, but meet in a nuetral location (coffee is always good) and you need to talk to her face to face. If she is receptive, explain your situation (don't blame her, admit fault, don't cry) and be frank. She may decide to forgive you, but you have shot down your first impression of yourself as some nice guy.

If she agrees, you're going to have to work hard to fix the damage you've done.

But my guess is she won't agree to meet you. You've ruined yourself in her eyes, you're a player, but you're not relationship material and you'll say anything to be with a girl. If she doesn't respond, or says no, be polite and drop it. Don't make the same fucking mistake next time, you idiot.

 

[JayRPG]

I appreciate that input, though now I feel I kind of have to clarify a bit.

I hadn't blurted anything out or made any hard feelings known prior to my fuck up (kissing the other girl), in the OP when I said I let it slip that I 'like-liked' her, it was along the lines of I literally said the work 'like' and not the 'want to fuck you' she was expecting . Prior to my fuck up the only thing I'd talked about was a single date, and she hadn't even agreed to it.

The outburst didn't happen until after the fuck up, and before making the outburst she had basically told me to go away. After the outburst is when she was actually fairly receptive (for the rest of that night) and followed it up with questions the next day, and I didn't mention but she did act normal during the week (social media stuff, liking/tagging etc) apart from not talking until she was drunk last night but that also isn't that out of the ordinary because I didn't want to rock the boat during the week and didn't message her either, I was generally always the first to message/initiate conversation.

I'll definitely take your advice and ask her to meet for coffee, that does seem like the best way to go about it.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Not a women, but I've fucked up with enough women to be able to give you a little guidance.

When you made out with the other girl? You done fucked up. While you may not be going out officially, you had begun courting her and then you make out with another girl? That's not a good sign.

Notice she now only contacts you when she's drunk? She likes the attention, but you're not the guy she thought you were, and you've kinda disappointed her expectations. Sure, she likes you, but you made out with someone else and that would sting like hell.

So now she kinda contacts you when she feels like it, she enjoys talking to you, but when she sobers up, she remember "Ah, wait, no, I don't really feel that way about him".

Also, you're the guy who says "Oh my god, I love you so much" and then kisses another girl. Mixed signals? A bit of a straight up lie? You already kinda came on hard when you said "Oh my god, I love you", but then you kiss another woman? When she said "Oh, you say this to all the girls", she meant it. From her perspective, you went from her to another. Is that how much your words mean?

She sexted you? Congrats, she was horny. Doesn't mean she trusts or likes you. If you play your cards right, you might get a one night stand out of this. But a relationship? I can say with 80% certainty that you've probably harpooned this in the flank and water is coming in fast.

If you're serious about her, you need to ask her to meet up with you, not in a sexy or a date way, but meet in a nuetral location (coffee is always good) and you need to talk to her face to face. If she is receptive, explain your situation (don't blame her, admit fault, don't cry) and be frank. She may decide to forgive you, but you have shot down your first impression of yourself as some nice guy.

If she agrees, you're going to have to work hard to fix the damage you've done.

But my guess is she won't agree to meet you. You've ruined yourself in her eyes, you're a player, but you're not relationship material and you'll say anything to be with a girl. If she doesn't respond, or says no, be polite and drop it. Don't make the same fucking mistake next time, you idiot.

I think you're way off on this one.

You can only speculate about what's going on in her head but they hadn't even been on a date, I really doubt that him making out with another girl would make her decide that he isn't "relationship material." Especially as she basically said that she wasn't looking for a relationship.

OP: If I were that girl, and I'm not so bear that in mind, I think you may have come on a bit too strong towards the end and that can be a bit off-putting.

If she only expressed real sexual interest when she was drunk, I think she might be embarrassed or worried that she's given you the wrong idea. She's probably trying to figure out where to go from here.

I have no idea but I really think that the best thing to do is to back off. Don't keep texting her. She's read your messages, she'll reply when she's ready, sending more will just make you seem desperate. I know that's how you're feeling but, personally, I think it's in your best interest not to show that.

Back off, let her come to you and then go from there.

If she doesn't even want to text you at the moment, she probably isn't going to want to meet for coffee right now.

It sucks to have to play the waiting game but I think it's the best option.

Edit: In case it sounds like I'm saying that she's not interested in you, that isn't what I mean, I have no idea if she is or not but I think backing off for a while is the best thing you can do.

 

[L. Declis]

Not a women, but I've fucked up with enough women to be able to give you a little guidance.

When you made out with the other girl? You done fucked up. While you may not be going out officially, you had begun courting her and then you make out with another girl? That's not a good sign.

Notice she now only contacts you when she's drunk? She likes the attention, but you're not the guy she thought you were, and you've kinda disappointed her expectations. Sure, she likes you, but you made out with someone else and that would sting like hell.

So now she kinda contacts you when she feels like it, she enjoys talking to you, but when she sobers up, she remember "Ah, wait, no, I don't really feel that way about him".

Also, you're the guy who says "Oh my god, I love you so much" and then kisses another girl. Mixed signals? A bit of a straight up lie? You already kinda came on hard when you said "Oh my god, I love you", but then you kiss another woman? When she said "Oh, you say this to all the girls", she meant it. From her perspective, you went from her to another. Is that how much your words mean?

She sexted you? Congrats, she was horny. Doesn't mean she trusts or likes you. If you play your cards right, you might get a one night stand out of this. But a relationship? I can say with 80% certainty that you've probably harpooned this in the flank and water is coming in fast.

If you're serious about her, you need to ask her to meet up with you, not in a sexy or a date way, but meet in a nuetral location (coffee is always good) and you need to talk to her face to face. If she is receptive, explain your situation (don't blame her, admit fault, don't cry) and be frank. She may decide to forgive you, but you have shot down your first impression of yourself as some nice guy.

If she agrees, you're going to have to work hard to fix the damage you've done.

But my guess is she won't agree to meet you. You've ruined yourself in her eyes, you're a player, but you're not relationship material and you'll say anything to be with a girl. If she doesn't respond, or says no, be polite and drop it. Don't make the same fucking mistake next time, you idiot.

I think you're way off on this one.

You can only speculate about what's going on in her head but they hadn't even been on a date, I really doubt that him making out with another girl would make her decide that he isn't "relationship material." Especially as she basically said that she wasn't looking for a relationship.

OP: If I were that girl, and I'm not so bear that in mind, I think you may have come on a bit too strong towards the end and that can be a bit off-putting.

If she only expressed real sexual interest when she was drunk, I think she might be embarrassed or worried that she's given you the wrong idea. She's probably trying to figure out where to go from here.

I have no idea but I really think that the best thing to do is to back off. Don't keep texting her. She's read your messages, she'll reply when she's ready, sending more will just make you seem desperate. I know that's how you're feeling but, personally, I think it's in your best interest not to show that.

Back off, let her come to you and then go from there.

If she doesn't even want to text you at the moment, she probably isn't going to want to meet for coffee right now.

It sucks to have to play the waiting game but I think it's the best option.

Edit: In case it sounds like I'm saying that she's not interested in you, that isn't what I mean, I have no idea if she is or not but I think backing off for a while is the best thing you can do.

Meh, this also sounds good.

There is another idea; you said the boss was your friend and a good go-between who knows both of you? Why not ask her for advice, as she... you know, knows both of you better than strangers on the internet?

 

[Zombiefish]

I am a female, however ive never been in a situation like yours. Still ill give u the advice I can, could be totally wrong, take it or leave it.

Honestly to me it sounds like right now she is just using you to make herself feel good. She likes your compliments and has fun teasing and joking with you but has no intention of actually dating you at all. I think she was interested at first but your mixed signals, ( one moment acting totally casual, the next acting in love) has really put her off. Trying to get her attention so hard isn't that attractive although you did well not to come off as desperate.

The reason she isnt texting you now is probably because she regrets coming on so strongly last night and is worried you will expect more than she is willing to give. Id say give it a week then invite her out for coffee. Avoid really serious discussions about a relationship and act casual. Joke with her but dont flirt or overcompliment her. Show you dont expect sex from her and didnt take the sexting seriously and she might relax and be more willing to respond again.

 

[sky14kemea]

Okay, I'm just gonna give my very basic first impressions. I might be entirely wrong so y'know, don't read too seriously in what I say.

You came on too strong. Way too strong. You haven't even dated or been on your own with her properly (From what I can tell?) and you apparently love her? That's scary. Coming from someone who's had that said to them, that is not something people like to hear.

She may be freaked out. She may just be "playing hard to get" because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings with a direct "No." because you're nice to her.

However, she is texting you when she's drunk, that's the bit I don't understand at all. I think she's lonely and wants a bit of male attention, but she isn't sure who she wants it with.

Honestly she sounds very flaky. I'd say "drop her and try and move on" but I get it isn't as easy as that when you've let yourself get too emotionally invested.

I think you might need some help with how obsessive you're being over this too. Waking yourself up every hour just to see a reply from her is way out there on the "what the fuck" scale.

___________

tl:dr I don't think she's interested in you. I think she just likes the attention. You need to drop it and find help with moving on.

 

[Euryalus]

Your name is hilariously appropriate... *ahem*

You need to calm down. Take deep metaphorical behavior changing breaths and stop feeding either your paranoia or your affection. Whether she likes you or dislikes you is out of your control in some sense[footnote]You can only control your own behavior and reactions and whatnot[/footnote], but more importantly it doesn't matter very much in the long or short run. You WANT to be with her, you don't NEED to be with her. Mentally declaring anything as needed makes you paranoid with fear of losing it, and obsessive about obtaining it. Traits that are scary and destructive in terms of getting anything you want (friendship, love, your cat sleeping with you instead of your sister, etc...)

It also makes you kind of wreck of a human being if you feed them until they're out of control.

Everything about this situation is painfully normal, but if you want advice, the kind of painful advice people in your situation don't really want to listen to until they've already fucked everything up, then just be cool.

You've already said what you said and did what you did. Do NOT waste time thinking "if only I did this or that. Did I do this wrong? What about that? Was that the wrong thing to say?"

That's the kind of thinking that makes you send not one or three reasonable attempts at communication, but a relationship, friendship, and people-ship destroying 37.

If she hasn't replied and doesn't reply, it's ok. Let it go. Listen to that fucking song a thousand times and absorb it's message. It may have been a bleh movie, but the song was good.

If she does eventually reply, because she may in fact like you, the non-emotionally obsessive you mind you, then it will be an unexpected victory.

Look, A pessimist laments the lack of winds blowing the way they want them to, the optimist is convinced things will change their way for the better, but the realist adjusts the sails. Be that guy. He's smarter.

The way you're going about this is destroying any chance you may have. Don't just "not seem desperate." Don't be desperate. Your problems will solve themselves if you do that.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

This has become ridiculously long and complicated and I'm sorry, but does anyone have any advice? and/or can anyone shed some light on what might be happening here?

I'm not a woman, and as far as her motivations or head state go all anyone here can do is guess, but there is a pretty essential piece of advice you've been given in this thread thus far, and it is this:

Back off, let her come to you and then go from there.

I'd dated a lot in my life, and this is pretty close to being a universal truth. It's not about being hard to get, it is about A) avoiding the pong of desperation, and B) giving the other person room to breathe. I've uttered breathless declarations of affection for relative strangers before too, and it stopped working after about Grade 11. You're like a machine built for the sole purpose of dropping red flags at this point. Flirting isn't about just turning it up to 11 and hoping for the best.

As to why she's acting the way she is...

I can almost guarantee she currently falls somewhere on the "not interested" to "uncertain" spectrum with you. I couldn't even begin to speculate where, though, as her behavior is inconsistent and points to a lot of different possibilities. Drunken flirtation doesn't mean a fucking thing, really. You've only got a couple of hard facts to work with, and those are her sporadic availability, her seeming reluctance to get together in person, and her evasiveness when sober. That you haven't just sat down to have a normal, face to face conversation despite...days? Weeks? Of heavy texting and online flirtation is not a good sign.

So what do you do? Just like Color Scientist said. You need to back off and chill the fuck out. Not because you're being a creeper or anything like that, but because you're not doing anything productive if your ultimate goal is to like, go on a normal healthy date with this woman.

Pretend I have a yellow exclamation point over my head. Your new quest is to be cool. Just relax, stop chasing her. Don't be cold, don't be distant, but act cool. Be mellow Jules from Pulp Fiction. See what happens. If your sudden lack of frenzied adoration brings her in for a closer look, continue to be cool. Be nice, but be cool. If you succeed in your quest you can have 74 silver and this pair of boots with +Spirit on them.

Good luck and keep us updated.

 

[Dizchu]

You're infatuated, but I don't think it is a genuine two-way emotional bond, nor do I think it can become that way.

You should try focussing on the girls that like being around you, who make an effort to talk to you regularly and have a genuine interest in you as a person.

I recently started a relationship with a girl who I've always considered cute and funny, but the point where it turned into actual "love" was after weeks of daily conversations that naturally became more and more intimate. Actually I'm not sure if the relationship had a definite "starting point", it just eventually became a no-brainer to call it that.

So yeah. I've had crushes before but I could tell instantly that this was different. Hopefully you will too when it happens.

 

[Euryalus]

-snip-

At an ounce of silver per coin? That's like 1300 dollars assuming my price of silver is remembered correctly. What other quests you givin' out?!

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

Bearing in mind that I'm really not a 'love at first sight' kind of guy (not any more anyway), I'm going to concur with the sentiment that you came on a little strong. That said, if there's something worse than coming on too strong in my book, it's missing your chance because you acted aloof out of some idiotic, 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' ideology. One way or another, at least you were honest and got those feelings out there.

Based on what you've said, I don't think you've 'ruined it'. If you really came across as bad as you seem to think you did, I don't think she'd keep on flirting with you for all that time. However, I don't think now's the time to push any harder. She knows how you feel. That ball's in her court, you just have to wait and see what she does with it. In the mean-time, keep going out and socialising, not to make her jealous or anything like that, just because YOU need not to be thinking about her 24 hours a day. Even if she's really that incredible, that's just not healthy man.

 

[visiblenoise]

I don't know what's happening, but I can tell you that regardless of what happens, if you come back to this post in a few months, you're going to be very ashamed.

Hopefully you can realize this right now, and start playing it cool(er).

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Your username is very appropriate.

Anyway, I?m not a female, but my advice would be to ask her to meet for coffee or lunch, honestly tell her that you love her and you would like to date her seriously, and ask her what she honestly wants out of your relationship. Perhaps even ask your boss to put in a good word with her, and explain that you didn?t mean to upset her.

That being said, I wouldn?t waste time with someone who keeps on playing games with your head. If she?s unhappy with you making out one time with another girl when she supposedly gave signals of only desiring casual sex, then she needs to just come out and say it rather than using you as her drunk booty call.

 

[JayRPG]

Quick note on my name, it's a total coincidence, I've used it for 8+ years starting all the way back when I used to play WoW, it's just hilarious to go to any server of any game and immediately have people start singing/typing out lyrics.

Important reply stuff that applies to the whole thread is at the bottom, I've got some individual replies too. Thanks everyone.

I have no idea but I really think that the best thing to do is to back off. Don't keep texting her. She's read your messages, she'll reply when she's ready, sending more will just make you seem desperate. I know that's how you're feeling but, personally, I think it's in your best interest not to show that.

Back off, let her come to you and then go from there.

I always figured that was the best option, it's what I did after the embarrassing outburst, it just got harder for me to do after the other night but I haven't sent anything else. Most of the thread agrees this is the best way to go about it, and I already thought it was the best way to go so I'll leave it for it awhile.

I still like the coffee idea though, should I ask her if/when she messages me first?

There is another idea; you said the boss was your friend and a good go-between who knows both of you? Why not ask her for advice, as she... you know, knows both of you better than strangers on the internet?

My boss is... less than helpful. She freely admitted she doesn't really understand J at all, and I think asking my boss to try and get some info is going to seem way too fishy when she starts asking J questions.

snip

snip

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I may have missed quoting some posters with posts in a similar vain but it'll still apply to most of the thread.

I know I came on way too strong (at the end/after the fuck up), I am already embarrassed - I won't have to wait a few years to look on it and turn red, and I know it is totally unhealthy to be this involved/obsessed.

I may have given the wrong impression a little though, I wouldn't say I'm in love with her, that is pretty much impossible, it doesn't feel the same as when I've been in relationships.. it's like an obsession or addiction. I've never felt like it before and I've never acted so crazy before and it isn't as though I haven't had my fair share of relationships and encounters with the opposite sex, I do fine in that department. It's basically why I made the thread, I was/am totally confused about everything, including my own feelings.

The most important reply to the whole thread is regarding the timeline of it all, I know I came on way too strong at the end but the thing I expected to happen, didn't happen.

1. It was casual prior to the fuck up, I was always confident I could get that date by the way the conversations went (both by text and in person with friends) but I was unsure whether she liked me, or just wanted sex, or neither.

2. The fuck up happened (which was the kissing another girl, not the outburst) and she was legitimately angry, after 1 or 2 messages about the fuck up all communication would have ended, it was totally over at that point. Seeing that she was angry about it was what eventually led to the outburst, I wouldn't have expected her to act the way she did if she wasn't interested in me.

3. I made the outburst, literally expecting to be blocked, but instead she replied and was fairly receptive. The next day when she asked me what it is I actually wanted and I said a date to see where things go/relationship I also told her I didn't make the outburst for a second chance and that I was honestly expecting to be blocked, I just wanted to be honest with her.

4. There weren't any messages after that, though she was normal on the social media side of things. I was still totally under the impression any chance at anything was completely over, I wasn't expecting to ever get another message, then I get that message the other night "Hey, what are you up to?"

Everybody in the thread has differing view points, and for the most part, they were all scenarios I had run through my head. E.G does she just like the attention, is she embarrassed, is she only sexually attracted to me etc etc etc I was hoping there'd be a large consensus about which situation it was but we are all complicated creatures so perhaps hoping random people would understand what's going on in another random person's head was a bit naive

I do feel a little less manic today after a decent sleep - Like it was said, it is completely out of my hands, I think yesterday I was just in that void of total uncertainty and it was driving me mad; I was ready to accept my fate after the outburst and right up until the other night, I wasn't going to (and I'm sure I still won't) be depressed or heartbroken if she just isn't interested in me but the fact I have feelings for her that I don't understand and are completely irrational combined with the whole situation was really making my head spin.

I will be playing it cool from here on out, I'll keep the thread updated if anything of note happens. Thank you all for taking the time, it has all been very helpful.

 

[sky14kemea]

I will be playing it cool from here on out, I'll keep the thread updated if anything of note happens. Thank you all for taking the time, it has all been very helpful.

You're right, it is very hard to understand a situation when we aren't inside your head.

Don't be afraid to talk to other people about this, even a medical professional if you're willing to try it. I'm not saying it's anything bad but a drastic change in your behavior and this kind of obsession should really be checked out.

As for asking her to coffee. I don't think you should. You need to let her make the next move, whatever that may be.

 

[L. Declis]

There is also one other move.

Wash your hands of it.

Trust me; there is always a girl who is just as pretty, just as smart and fun, but is also looking for a good relationship and sick of these games.

You're in your mid-20's? She should be past this by now; you're not 19, you're not in uni. Be mature, be firm, and find someone else who won't leave you making 2 A4 page essays of confusion.

 

[JayRPG]

There is also one other move.

Wash your hands of it.

Trust me; there is always a girl who is just as pretty, just as smart and fun, but is also looking for a good relationship and sick of these games.

You're in your mid-20's? She should be past this by now; you're not 19, you're not in uni. Be mature, be firm, and find someone else who won't leave you making 2 A4 page essays of confusion.

Certainly an option, yes, but washing my hands of it is easier said than done. Hell, just getting my mind off her for a few hours is a mission. Time will make it easier, however this all turns out.

I will be playing it cool from here on out, I'll keep the thread updated if anything of note happens. Thank you all for taking the time, it has all been very helpful.

You're right, it is very hard to understand a situation when we aren't inside your head.

Don't be afraid to talk to other people about this, even a medical professional if you're willing to try it. I'm not saying it's anything bad but a drastic change in your behavior and this kind of obsession should really be checked out.

As for asking her to coffee. I don't think you should. You need to let her make the next move, whatever that may be.

I totally agree regarding talking to someone about it, since I'm not prone to this sort of behaviour (or haven't ever been in the past at least), I'll see how I'm feeling in a few days and make an appointment if I feel I have to.

On another front there has been a kind of update/non-update, and I'm probably reading too much into it all, but...

The day after the drunk texting night I sent her 1 message towards the end of the day, that message ticked over to "seen" on FB a few minutes after I sent it (6.06pm or something like that and by midnight it had changed to "seen yesterday"), I clicked into the message box yesterday just because and it had updated to "seen 11:00am", I figured it was a bug/error but today it has updated to "Seen 1:49pm" - and it's definitely not updating to when I check it because the only time I clicked in to it today was around 5pm when I got home from work.

If it's updating to her opening the messages there are another trillion scenarios (is she just re-reading them all? is she showing other people? is she actually waiting for me to message her?) - I don't believe it's that last one, despite her FB feed popping up about 4 things in a row that must be designed to make me crack (J liked "When you're playing hard to get and he texts you first" pic, J liked "This vodka tastes like I'll be texting you later" etc etc).

So if I'm still over-analyzing things like this in a few days I'm going to see my doctor lol

The real update here though is that my boss sent me a message this evening "My place sat night, drinks and games", There is a 99.99% chance J has also been invited.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well you probably already know what went wrong, you went from talking to someone to full on super Sayian 3 obsessive mode without even having a date...
Of course she doesn't want to date you like this, you sound like an absolute maniac and yes I know crushes do that, I've been down that road and I know once you dive in at the deep end this shit always goes badly.

And no she isn't trying to make you suffer, that is your crazy mind inventing crazy stories. She is very obviously only looking for casual hookups, and you are the farthest thing from that.
Do yourself a favour and consider this a complete rejection and then do what you must to move on, for me at least this also means no contact, that is much easier then hanging around and keep poking the nasty wound.