Would you read a book if this was the first chapter??
- Thread starter karn3
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Y'know I really liked it. That said I must point out a couple of things.
1) PLEASE change that opening! I almost stopped reading right there. Glad I didn't but I almost did
2) This may just be me but I get the sense that you sort of went nuts with a thesaurus early on, it got better as it went but sounds a tad strange at the moment.
3) I think you need to flesh out the scene where he beats the hell out of the guy, seems a tad vague and it's over a little too quick.
Apart from that I really want to know more, which means you're doing something right.
Keep at it and it should be a good story.
1) PLEASE change that opening! I almost stopped reading right there. Glad I didn't but I almost did
2) This may just be me but I get the sense that you sort of went nuts with a thesaurus early on, it got better as it went but sounds a tad strange at the moment.
3) I think you need to flesh out the scene where he beats the hell out of the guy, seems a tad vague and it's over a little too quick.
Apart from that I really want to know more, which means you're doing something right.
Keep at it and it should be a good story.
I read it, but I didn't like it. Maybe I'm tired, but it was just pretty dull and seeming generic. But, it's good for what it is.
The first paragraph made me think that I was reading about someone on a ship who's sailing the ocean which gave me visuals on what I was reading which didn't match what you were writing.
Also, the rain seems to come too quickly and there weren't accounts of it raining prior to you mentioning the settings on the chips that the man bought. You could use rain to your advantage my describing it early, or fairly early, on. Make it drip down from stuff, cover people, splash on the floor. Be descriptive and use everything you've got. Show us what we're seeing, not just the most important stuff.
Another thing, and this one is minor, don't refer to the drone as a he, unless it's an actual man. It should be an it if it's a robot.
I would actually read this because I give a chance to books that start out boring a lot. Just keep the pace and don't lose it. Don't go for a novel if this is your first time because you most likely won't finish it, go for a long short story.
Edit: Also, tell us why the man is trouble. This subject appears early on but is quickly an afterthought.
The first paragraph made me think that I was reading about someone on a ship who's sailing the ocean which gave me visuals on what I was reading which didn't match what you were writing.
Also, the rain seems to come too quickly and there weren't accounts of it raining prior to you mentioning the settings on the chips that the man bought. You could use rain to your advantage my describing it early, or fairly early, on. Make it drip down from stuff, cover people, splash on the floor. Be descriptive and use everything you've got. Show us what we're seeing, not just the most important stuff.
Another thing, and this one is minor, don't refer to the drone as a he, unless it's an actual man. It should be an it if it's a robot.
I would actually read this because I give a chance to books that start out boring a lot. Just keep the pace and don't lose it. Don't go for a novel if this is your first time because you most likely won't finish it, go for a long short story.
Edit: Also, tell us why the man is trouble. This subject appears early on but is quickly an afterthought.
No, it didn't really have an interesting premise. The writing is fairly bad for the reasons stated above. It's kinda of corny and heavy-handed, like it's taking itself much too seriously. Also, I wouldn't describe your environments ridiculously, like Le' Miserable had that issue though that was still really good. Sorry. :/
Keep your idea, but write it better. I got a sense of something good buried in there, but be... better. Go back and refine it some more, that's what every good writer should do. I kinda get the feeling this is more of a draft than anything.
Also, a sentence is not a paragraph.
Yes, I am aware of the irony inherent in that last part.
And that part
And that one...
Also, a sentence is not a paragraph.
Yes, I am aware of the irony inherent in that last part.
And that part
And that one...
My main problem was I doubt a kick with a thick, sticky consistency between solid and liquid would put any one out of action for long.
I must agree with that statement.Tallim said:
As an aspiring author I should point out that any attempt to ask for hand holding and cuddling from random people while you write your story is futile. If you need any outside comformation of your actions or success, then you can't dedicate yourself to write a full novel. Unless you write about sports and you do it explicitly for the money.
Do you know how "Fight Club" was written?
Chuck first wrote chapter six as a short story, and then he composed the entire piece around it. Aim for a COMPLETE short story, and go in your desired direction after you've affirmed your abilities.
Holy Cow! Not only would I read this, I downright want to read this! It looks great!
A couple of minor edits I would recommend:
- The style that the fight scene is written in feels a little disjointed - I appreciate this may have been intentional to make it clear that the main character is no longer in control, and as such is no longer really narrating what happens, but it just read a little weirdly. Just my opinion, but maybe make it a little grittier to match the tone of the rest of the piece?
- As has been pointed out, the opening reads a little strangely - I personally liked it, as I like the idea that our main character is analysing everything he passes in such great detail, but it seems that others aren't so much of a fan.
One other thing - people who just tell you "no" without actually offering any constructive criticism aren't worth listening to
A couple of minor edits I would recommend:
- The style that the fight scene is written in feels a little disjointed - I appreciate this may have been intentional to make it clear that the main character is no longer in control, and as such is no longer really narrating what happens, but it just read a little weirdly. Just my opinion, but maybe make it a little grittier to match the tone of the rest of the piece?
- As has been pointed out, the opening reads a little strangely - I personally liked it, as I like the idea that our main character is analysing everything he passes in such great detail, but it seems that others aren't so much of a fan.
One other thing - people who just tell you "no" without actually offering any constructive criticism aren't worth listening to
No offence, but a lot of these points are just stupid. You know WHY you have an imagination right?Hexador said:
Heres a clue: its to IMAGINE stuff.
You dont need every little detail told to you surely? When he says that there are a "host of special services - both legal and illegal-" do you REALLY need to have every last one of them read out to you? Are you so virtuos and innocent that you have NO idea what goes on in, what is clearly, a red light district?
And not to mention, why would the character just INSTANTLY bear all? The whole inner demons thing is there to make us interested in the character. To give us the shell of a history that can be fleshed out and explored later. This IS just a chapter after all. Granted, there are probably better and more original ways of doing this other than the rather cliche "inner turmoil that you arent a part of yet".
OT: I enjoyed it, fairly cliche at times, and the environments, although intriguing, arent all that inspiring or captivating.
Also, one thing that REALLY got to me (pretty pedantic really) was the use of the word "condensation".
"The constant downpour of condensation"
Was that REALLY necessary? what was wrong with the word "rain"? This sentance just smacks of a cheap excuse to use a big word.
And anyway... i always thought it was precipitation.
On the whole, good job, i wouldnt mind reading more!
No, I would not.
There is nothing in there that was of interest to me, neither what you wrote, nor how you wrote it.
To offer at least something approaching constructive criticism:
You must be aware that such an introspective first chapter is a GIANT risk.
To write what comes down to pages and pages of some dudes internal monologue and still keep it engaging, is one of the most difficult openings to pull of.
And to be really blunt, it does not feel like your are up for it.
There is nothing in there that was of interest to me, neither what you wrote, nor how you wrote it.
To offer at least something approaching constructive criticism:
You must be aware that such an introspective first chapter is a GIANT risk.
To write what comes down to pages and pages of some dudes internal monologue and still keep it engaging, is one of the most difficult openings to pull of.
And to be really blunt, it does not feel like your are up for it.
Yeah but I still enjoy being one so what the hell might as well.Jacob Haggarty said:
Damn that rhymed I am so intelligent.
The opening lines were horrible, I only barely got past them. Overly wordy and unclear; if you want to use fancy language then pick something to write about - describe the setting or the characters. If you want to be mysterious then use simple language and move at a fast pace to keep the reader interested.
As it stands you've got shit loads of detail about nothing at all, and no it doesn't give us an insight into the characters mind because we don't have a clue who the character is or what his perceptions are in relation too. The first few sentences could be true of him adrift at sea, lost in a forest, or a high born noble wandering through the palace grounds on a feast day.
Of course a few bad sentences aren't much to worry about, except that they're the first of the damn book; the first taste the reader has of you as a writer and what this story is. If this book was on a shelf and I'd picked it up - I'd read the back to get the genre, and then the first paragraph to get the style and from your first paragraph I'd put the book straight back - theres more than enough books in the shop for me to find something to read.
Afterwards things aren't much better - you're giving us details of all the wrong things. We don't care about the damn pleasure-den unless it's going to be important to the story. What you should be telling us about is how the main character reacts to the pleasure den, and how the girls / security / owner / customers of the pleasure den react to him. Give us some interaction with the world, not just vague descriptions of it.
Then, finally, things begin to pick-up - people are after you. Ok, so it's an utter cliche and if you want to stand out then you're going to have to do a fucking amazing job of it, but at least its some meat to get stuck into. We've got plot, we've got new characters, we've got history for the main character. Theres conflict, tension, and something for the reader to anticipate (the resolution of this conflict), great, good, cool... now take it somewhere interesting (I really hope you do).
The shopping section is... meh.
It holds onto the tension well, it moves us forwards, we're still reading and we still want to know whats next. But theres no life to this lines. He doesn't even speak to the shop keepers? Does anyone speak? Does anyone react at all?
The bit with the security guy and the home-made gun was a good try, but it needs a second pass - make him more interesting, have him do more than just "keep[] his hands on the weapon". Over-all this was a good chance to show us how the main character interacts with the other people of this world, and what the people of this world are like, but it's not taken (take care not to slow down and lose the tension though).
(Later you have the 'training' talk in a strange, guttural dialect to fool the agents... we've never heard how the locals speak before, so we have to assume that he's imitating them. Have the shoppe speak, or do something a bit different, like maybe the guy with the home made gun is actually quite a chatter-box )
The rest - decent. Good detail, focus is right; the enemies are dangerous, the main character more so. Theres a little bit too much of the "omg my training is teh so awesome sauce, it scares me!" - don't tell us about it, show us. And you do show us, taking down the tail was a a well executed move, and its told well: we're in no doubt that he's a bad-ass (just cut most of that internal monologue about it).
Overall I'd say no, I wouldn't read any more - but it's a close thing. If you cut the fluff, give us some more character work and keep the sense of danger then I'd at least check out the next chapter to see if you've got an interesting story.
As it stands you've got shit loads of detail about nothing at all, and no it doesn't give us an insight into the characters mind because we don't have a clue who the character is or what his perceptions are in relation too. The first few sentences could be true of him adrift at sea, lost in a forest, or a high born noble wandering through the palace grounds on a feast day.
Of course a few bad sentences aren't much to worry about, except that they're the first of the damn book; the first taste the reader has of you as a writer and what this story is. If this book was on a shelf and I'd picked it up - I'd read the back to get the genre, and then the first paragraph to get the style and from your first paragraph I'd put the book straight back - theres more than enough books in the shop for me to find something to read.
Afterwards things aren't much better - you're giving us details of all the wrong things. We don't care about the damn pleasure-den unless it's going to be important to the story. What you should be telling us about is how the main character reacts to the pleasure den, and how the girls / security / owner / customers of the pleasure den react to him. Give us some interaction with the world, not just vague descriptions of it.
Then, finally, things begin to pick-up - people are after you. Ok, so it's an utter cliche and if you want to stand out then you're going to have to do a fucking amazing job of it, but at least its some meat to get stuck into. We've got plot, we've got new characters, we've got history for the main character. Theres conflict, tension, and something for the reader to anticipate (the resolution of this conflict), great, good, cool... now take it somewhere interesting (I really hope you do).
The shopping section is... meh.
It holds onto the tension well, it moves us forwards, we're still reading and we still want to know whats next. But theres no life to this lines. He doesn't even speak to the shop keepers? Does anyone speak? Does anyone react at all?
The bit with the security guy and the home-made gun was a good try, but it needs a second pass - make him more interesting, have him do more than just "keep[] his hands on the weapon". Over-all this was a good chance to show us how the main character interacts with the other people of this world, and what the people of this world are like, but it's not taken (take care not to slow down and lose the tension though).
(Later you have the 'training' talk in a strange, guttural dialect to fool the agents... we've never heard how the locals speak before, so we have to assume that he's imitating them. Have the shoppe speak, or do something a bit different, like maybe the guy with the home made gun is actually quite a chatter-box
)The rest - decent. Good detail, focus is right; the enemies are dangerous, the main character more so. Theres a little bit too much of the "omg my training is teh so awesome sauce, it scares me!" - don't tell us about it, show us. And you do show us, taking down the tail was a a well executed move, and its told well: we're in no doubt that he's a bad-ass (just cut most of that internal monologue about it).
Overall I'd say no, I wouldn't read any more - but it's a close thing. If you cut the fluff, give us some more character work and keep the sense of danger then I'd at least check out the next chapter to see if you've got an interesting story.