Would you read a book if this was the first chapter??

[Tallim]

I actually practice that online much to the annoyance of the grammar police.

You need a comma before 'much to the...', as it is a subordinate clause.

Lol. As the line itself pointed out I don't care online. But I think you knew that.

You're quite right, brony. Grammar nazism is acceptable only if it may result in lulz....

Quite right Keep on trotting.

 

[Apollo45]

I have one sentence I can point to that essentially combines most of my issues with your piece.

"The constant downpour of condensation is reducing my vision distance."

Obviously your character is well spoken - we can tell that from how he thinks pretty easily. He uses big words a lot, and rarely says things outright. Instead, his thought processes are almost deliberately roundabout; it feels like he's trying to tell the story but is so caught up in sounding 'professional' that it comes off as being pretentious. The fact is that, as much as someone might speak in a certain way, chances are their thinking with themselves will be significantly more straightforward. To put simply, "The constant downpour of condensation is reducing my vision distance" would probably turn in to:

"I can't see anything in this rain."

Your entire piece,I feel, needs a bit of that sort of cleaning up. It comes across as overly 'high class'. It may be your character speaking, but make it easy to understand and it'll sound a whole lot better in the long run. It might not be 100% him, but that's the risk you run with making it first person; often times a character's thoughts don't translate all that well to writing.

To help fix that, you might want to switch to a third-person point of view. Third person will allow you to let us "see" what your character is doing as he does it rather than having him "tell" us what he does. First person is good when a character has a very unique voice - and don't get me wrong, this character does - but doesn't work quite as well when that voice is very "high class" like this one is. Of course, with a story like this you'll want to keep it a very close third-person, but I think that you'll have more opportunity to describe the surroundings in better detail, making them less ambiguous and more unique to your story, in a third-person view.

There are some technology issues I'm seeing in the piece (for example, if his tails have some pretty high-tech stuff, why would they lose track of him for just switching jackets? Especially when he can instantly pick out his other tails in the dark and rain by just looking up? Wouldn't they be able to do something similar with their more 'top-of-the-line' tech?), and a few other things here and there, but those can be ironed out once you get your style locked in. There are certainly good ideas throughout the piece, and I can see it becoming quite interesting, but (like any rough drafts) it needs a bit of work to get there.

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

I must admit I kinda skimmed, so I might not be qualified to comment. But no, I wouldn't.

 

[Rythe]

Quite honestly, no.

You write like you've just gotten out of Creative Writing 101 and have some talent but no experience or refinement. It's tedious to read - lots of flowery, sometimes inappropriate, sometimes excessive words that don't actually say much.

Your vision for this world needs a few more iterations too. It feels very generic, like you're just picking through nifty things that are probably there but haven't gone through the nuts and bolts of what it really looks like in this world and why it's there and how it all fits together. There's very little personality to any of it. What details that were there were often cartoonish, like the shopkeep's scanner and the gun on his guard. Cartoonish isn't something you can get away with in the sort of story and tone you're presenting.

Your main and secondary characters don't have much personality either - no quirks or IDable features, nothing to remember them by. Secondary characters don't need these things, but it'd really help flesh out your world if the protagonist noticed things about them that'd set 'em apart from blank placeholders.

As much as you tried for the 'What's going on here?' hook, there's really nothing in this chapter that'd keep me around. The narrative tone isn't interesting. The world isn't detailed enough that I'd want to explore it. The protagonist isn't established to any real degree beyond generi action guy. The plot you've detailed thus far is a well worn one and doesn't immediately suggest that great things are around the corner.

But don't give up. I'd suggest dissecting the writing style of some good authors like Steven Brust, Brandon Sanderson or David Weber. Figure out what techniques they use in characterization, pacing, and word use, then practice practice practice until you have a style that's all your own but not cluttered in dross.

Hell, here's a bit of fanfiction that's generally pretty excellent, but specifically says much with very few words which is something you really need to work on.

And as an added bonus, I'd suggest you skip all the grammar critiques as they're only useful in later drafts.

 

[Shoqiyqa]

You make or break a book with the first page, and to get them to give the first page a chance you need a strong opening paragraph. The one you have here isn't going to get someone interested. Start with a simple, interesting detail. Give a little context. "I let the tides pull me along" tells the reader "I don't care about what's happening and neither should you." Keep it, but add one more bit before it that will get the reader to care.

Hrm.

How about starting here:

For that extra bit of authentic brutality I slam his head back into the ground. Still in the alien voice, I say

"You ain't from arand 'ere ar ya bub?"

With that I start rummaging through his clothes. No ID or personal effects, but I wasn't expecting any. You always come to a job clean. I find some currency chips, a compact solid slug special, an enervation blade like my own, and an ear piece.

There's a throat mike as well: the clever kind. It's just a flat, skin-coloured patch: very high tech. I pretend to overlook it, a local would never see it. Whoever was on the other end would be hearing this, in fact i was counting on it. I swipe all the stuff, give him another quick once over, and stand back up.

"Pleasure doin' buisness wid cha"

... and then putting in the parts before that, then going on from that point?

 

[Jacob Haggarty]

I am going give you my opinion of your first paragraph. Brutal honesty - please don't take offense.

"I let the tides pull me along, direction and destination mattered not.

Tides? Tides of what? Are we in the ocean? Is the main character drowning?

"Each change in direction is accompanied by new sensual stimuli; sights, smells, and tastes even."

Okay, thats nice - I guess I'll just take your word for it since you don't feel like letting us know exactly what sights, smells and tastes you are feeling. SHOW US, DON'T TELL US!

"The constant flux of my surroundings serves to distract my mind from things that don't bare thinking about."

Your surroundings are changing? How? Where the heck are you?! I still think you're in the ocean! What THINGS don't you want to think about? If you are going to mention them give us more than just "things." Perhaps throw in a short line of dialogue via the character that hints at his internal or external struggles.

"The gentle currents of the crowd worked to counteract the roiling torrents within a mind that was in disarray and turmoil."

Gentle currents AND roiling torrents? That's a major contradiction. Wait, we aren't in the perspective of the main character any more? If we are shouldn't we be told instead that: "I've always found the currents of the crowd soothing. You don't have to think within the roiling torrents, you can just float along like driftwood in the ocean."

"My mind."

OHHHHHHHHH. That explains the thing that just came before this, but you could just rework that sentence and cut this useless fragment out.

"The packed streets of the under-city always serve as a distraction from the monsters that lurk within my soul."

OH! So we are in the under-city! Uh... what is it under? How packed are the streets? What are they packed with? Again, don't just tell us! SHOW US! Also, you've told us the character is troubled. We get it. Either tell us what's on his mind and remove any interest we might have with this guy or stop mentioning it all together so we will read on because we wan't to know what his problem is.

"What with the host of services on offer - both legal and illegal - one could lose themselves."

What kind of services? BJS? Poisons? Drugs? Illegal gambling? Kiddy porn? SHOW USSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

No offence, but a lot of these points are just stupid. You know WHY you have an imagination right?

Heres a clue: its to IMAGINE stuff.

You dont need every little detail told to you surely? When he says that there are a "host of special services - both legal and illegal-" do you REALLY need to have every last one of them read out to you? Are you so virtuos and innocent that you have NO idea what goes on in, what is clearly, a red light district?

And not to mention, why would the character just INSTANTLY bear all? The whole inner demons thing is there to make us interested in the character. To give us the shell of a history that can be fleshed out and explored later. This IS just a chapter after all. Granted, there are probably better and more original ways of doing this other than the rather cliche "inner turmoil that you arent a part of yet".

OT: I enjoyed it, fairly cliche at times, and the environments, although intriguing, arent all that inspiring or captivating.

Also, one thing that REALLY got to me (pretty pedantic really) was the use of the word "condensation".

"The constant downpour of condensation"

Was that REALLY necessary? what was wrong with the word "rain"? This sentance just smacks of a cheap excuse to use a big word.

And anyway... i always thought it was precipitation.

On the whole, good job, i wouldnt mind reading more!

Lack of imagination and lack of description are two different things. Sure, we can IMAGINE what goes on in a red light district, but we can do that without reading this story. What makes this place different from any other (or perhaps the same as any other), why we should be interested in it, those are things we can't imagine. They are also things he hasn't told us. You can't expect readers to want to read for the sake of reading.

Well, i see what you mean, but shouldnt a writer be able to assume that his or her audience will be able to piece things together from the details provided? Although i do think the details are maybe a little bit lacking, i didnt think that is was REALLY bad.

Really, as an OPENING CHAPTER, it does its bit to... suggest the sort of environment that the character faces. You asked "whats it under?", when refering to the under-city thing, but surely describing this would just take away from a point latter in the book. Hes quite clearly describe what is meant to be a shady, red light district, so it wouldnt be a MASSIVE asumption to assume that the err "over" city will be the main (perhaps cleaner and more legalised) district/residential area. It really comes down to the fact that the charcter isnt IN the over-city, so describing an area that would be useless and confusing to some people. You DID get confused when he used a ocean metaphor

Also, you cant TELL someone why you should be interested in somewhere. If you tell them, then they probably wont be as interested. Part of the interest in a location comes from not knowing about it, building up your OWN image of the location based on the details that the writer has already given to us.

I think thats problem really: This is an opening chapter, a prolouge. NOT a short story in itself. Presumably, details like the over-city will be given to us later, perhaps when the character actually goes to these places.

 

[Jacob Haggarty]

"The constant downpour of condensation"

Was that REALLY necessary? what was wrong with the word "rain"? This sentance just smacks of a cheap excuse to use a big word.

And anyway... i always thought it was precipitation.

I took that as meaning he was literally under the city and the downpour was literally constant and actually formed of condensation on the ceiling above dripping down, rather than more conventional outdoor weather, although the conditions required to generate enough "rain" that way to obscure vision would be rather extreme, like a cross between Vietnam and a sauna on the floor and liquid nitrogen pipes overhead.

Yeah, i see what you mean, but he does carry on to mention rain later on, so i'm inclined to say he's outside. But he COULD be underground i supose, but like you said, thats going to have to be a strange ol' location.