According to rumour (or maybe I missed something a bit more obvious than mere rumour), Yahtzee has received a copy of FFXIII recently and a review should be forthcoming in the not-too-distant future. My question is... why?
I mean, sure, it's undoubtably one of the biggest releases of the year and Yahtzee almost always puts in his two cents on the latest big games, but in this case I can't help the feeling that it's going to be more than a little redundant. I can't claim to read Yahtzee's mind (if I did it would probably cause him to hunt me down and kill me out of sheer paranoia) but I think I can safely predict what his opinion of it will be in advance (spoilered to protect the naive):
I mean, this is probably going to be the most predictable review he's ever done. We all KNOW for a fact that Yahtzee will not give any JRPG a fair go because of personal bias (he seemed ambivalent about The World Ends With You, but only because it was so much unlike most JRPGs and he DID hate the parts that WERE like other JRPGs). Fair enough, it's part of his schtick. But FFXIII is controversial and divisive even by the standards of the medium. He will absolutely without doubt rag on the game for (in terms he would use):
*Having a story that is simultaneously impenetrably dense and confusing yet simultaneously boring and stupid, told through interminable cutscenes that will make him want to shoot himself.
*Having a highly unlikeable cast of utter twats dressed like they sprinted through a Japanese boutique while it was being bombed by terrorists (with stupid hair and annoying voices) who he'll want to murder by the end of the first hour. Including a black dude with an afro who he will portray talking about fried chicken.
*Being horribly, repetatively linear- not that being linear is inherently a bad thing, as he has pointed out before, but in this case it will be compounded by being utterly boring.
*Having a combat system that is somehow both overly complicated and fiddly and yet dumbed down and automated. And turn based, which sucks, even if it isn't really.
*Oh, but the graphics will be pretty alright, though.
Those aren't my opinions of the game, they're just my predictions of how Yahtzee will report it. I'm pretty sure I'm not too far off the mark. And while I look forwards to enjoying Yahtzee's peerless mastery of metaphor, razor-sharp snark and hilarious animations, I just can't help the feeling that there's not going to be any surprises in this one.
Unless, athat is, he attempts to do what he claimed he was doing in his review of 'Alone in the Dark' and makes it a self-imposed challenge to go into the review actually doing his damndest to actually enjoy the game despite its flaws. He would, of course, fail, but at least it would be less predictable.
By the way, before you say anything NO I am NOT pre-emptively bagging Yahtzee for not liking the game. I don't like FFXIII myself much from what I've seen of and heard about it. I just seriously think that this review is going to need something a bit special to make it interesting, because we really do just KNOW what he's going to say in advance, and I do so love Zero Punctuation.
I mean, sure, it's undoubtably one of the biggest releases of the year and Yahtzee almost always puts in his two cents on the latest big games, but in this case I can't help the feeling that it's going to be more than a little redundant. I can't claim to read Yahtzee's mind (if I did it would probably cause him to hunt me down and kill me out of sheer paranoia) but I think I can safely predict what his opinion of it will be in advance (spoilered to protect the naive):
HE'S GOING TO ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HATE IT.
I mean, this is probably going to be the most predictable review he's ever done. We all KNOW for a fact that Yahtzee will not give any JRPG a fair go because of personal bias (he seemed ambivalent about The World Ends With You, but only because it was so much unlike most JRPGs and he DID hate the parts that WERE like other JRPGs). Fair enough, it's part of his schtick. But FFXIII is controversial and divisive even by the standards of the medium. He will absolutely without doubt rag on the game for (in terms he would use):
*Having a story that is simultaneously impenetrably dense and confusing yet simultaneously boring and stupid, told through interminable cutscenes that will make him want to shoot himself.
*Having a highly unlikeable cast of utter twats dressed like they sprinted through a Japanese boutique while it was being bombed by terrorists (with stupid hair and annoying voices) who he'll want to murder by the end of the first hour. Including a black dude with an afro who he will portray talking about fried chicken.
*Being horribly, repetatively linear- not that being linear is inherently a bad thing, as he has pointed out before, but in this case it will be compounded by being utterly boring.
*Having a combat system that is somehow both overly complicated and fiddly and yet dumbed down and automated. And turn based, which sucks, even if it isn't really.
*Oh, but the graphics will be pretty alright, though.
Those aren't my opinions of the game, they're just my predictions of how Yahtzee will report it. I'm pretty sure I'm not too far off the mark. And while I look forwards to enjoying Yahtzee's peerless mastery of metaphor, razor-sharp snark and hilarious animations, I just can't help the feeling that there's not going to be any surprises in this one.
Unless, athat is, he attempts to do what he claimed he was doing in his review of 'Alone in the Dark' and makes it a self-imposed challenge to go into the review actually doing his damndest to actually enjoy the game despite its flaws. He would, of course, fail, but at least it would be less predictable.
By the way, before you say anything NO I am NOT pre-emptively bagging Yahtzee for not liking the game. I don't like FFXIII myself much from what I've seen of and heard about it. I just seriously think that this review is going to need something a bit special to make it interesting, because we really do just KNOW what he's going to say in advance, and I do so love Zero Punctuation.
