Most of my nights out take one of two routes:
#1 Mates & Significant Others.
We all agree to meet in a pub at 8. Me and my fiancée get there at 8. Another mate and his girlfriend turn up. Everyone else is anything from 30 mins to 2 hours late. Once everyone has turned up and has a drink (bear in mind that some of us have have two hours head start on the others) conversations start. Assorted silly things are said, and at least two of my mate's girlfriends get offended and then grumpy. Me and the fiancée make our excuses and bail before the night descends into snide passive-aggressive arguing.
#2 Just Mates
We all agree to meet at a pub. Me and a handful of mates turn up on time. Other mates will be anything from bang on time to 15 mins late (usually because they had to take a detour via a newsagents to buy fags). Drinking commences. Within 30 seconds of the first conversation starting, the word 'fuck' has been used at least a dozen times. Someone mentions football. Two of us try and ignore the jibes about how shit West Ham are. Both of us give up and start swearing. Some middle-aged women glares at the group of us, as the first instance of the word '****' is used. We all finish our first drinks and go for a smoke. Round 2 begins. A few mates disappear off to play the fruit machine, me an a mate play something called 'Diath Billiards' (Diath being a band we were in) which takes forever to play and has fairly nebulous and fluid rules. The next guys on the pool table either get annoyed that we're taking forever, or have a laugh trying to work out what the hell we're playing. One or other of us wins (unless the game reaches the Rush Clause) and we notice our pint glasses are empty again. We go for a smoke and Round 3 begins. This round/smoke/round format will continue until someone shouts 'shots' and a mini-round of spirits will be had. Then we shall return to round/smoke/round. At the end of the night, those of us who live in villages outside the main town will barter for crash space off other mates present, or fairly angry significant others. The night ends on someone's sofa.
The next morning, hungover and staving off the noise/proddings/general annoyances from a fiancée with a cruel sense of humour, I will receive a multitude of text messages. Usually these are quotes from last night taken entirely out of context eg. "I'm not kissing that man until he puts his penis away" or "Macedonia? Oh Shit" but sometimes will consist of something utterly hilarious. My favourite of which being a story about how, on the walk home, a mate managed to pull a drunk MILF. He went back to hers and her husband was up. This mate realised the shit he was in and said something along the lines of 'I saw she was drunk and didn't want to see her name in the papers, so walked her home' and the husband made him a cup of tea, thanked him and sent him on his way. I wish that story was about me and not a mate.
