Your horrible pitch for good games

[Squilookle]

You know the drill- in one or two sentences, pitch a genuinely good/addictive game to us in the worst way possible. I'll go first:

Mario To win, you press the jump button a lot, I suppose.

Half-Life So you're this scientist, right, and then you get a crowbar... Profit.

Frogger An amphibian tries to return to his home in the river. He can't swim.

Animal Crossing You move into a town populated by all these animals, and... uh...

Minecraft To do anything you have to chop blocks away. For hours.

We Love Katamari... uhh... um... glue?

 

[The Blue Mongoose]

Devil May Cry: You're this emo looking guy with a sword. You stab puppets.

 

[Skorpyo]

Duke Nukem (Take your pick out of the series): You are a white dude who likes women and guns.

 

[Captain Epic]

Shadow Of the Collossus: There are 16 enemies. You have to kill them all.
Sonic the Hedgehog: You run fast.

 

[Nostalgia Ripoff]

Kingdom Hearts: So we'll spin this wheel to pick a crossover for our game. *Two spins later* Squaresoft and Disney.

 

[xmbts]

Kingdom Hearts: You run around killing black things with Donald, Goofy, and a big ass key.

EDIT: Damn, beat me to it.

 

[Blind Sight]

Civilization 5: You micromanage dozens of units that serve very little purpose overall. For sixteen hours straight.

 

[Benmonkey7]

Fallout: New Vegas: In a post-apocalyptic world your game freezes (but I still love it!).

 

[Mr. Omega]

Fallout: You travel a big barren wasteland
Pokemon: You fight colorful monsters by shoving them into little balls
Starfox: You have to save your team over and over fighting the legions of a giant monkey head

 

[Swishdude]

Fable 2: You get a job, make money, buy stuff, some bad guy you need to kill, maybe.

Halo 3: You look like the Doom guy and fight dwarfed aliens for 90% of the time.

Red Dead Redemption: It's like Grand Theft Auto 4 without cars.

Tetris: It's like your the guy who packs boxes into shopping bags, only with Russian music.

Fallout: Explore a vast and empty wasteland, on a time limit.

Fallout 2: Explore a vast and empty wasteland, without a time limit.

Fallout 3: Explore a vast and empty wasteland, in 3D.

Fallout: New Vegas: Explore a vast and empty wasteland, with Wayne Newton on the radio.

The Sims: Forget to build a toilet and piss yourself.

Mirror's Edge: A first person action game where you run, a lot.

 

[Blair Bennett]

Little known fact about myself: I actually possess the ability to make any pitch for anything absolutely terrible. I mean, I'll try to make it engaging and then I start to ramble. I'll start being more concise, and now I'm not elaborating enough. It's almost like art.

Onimusha: You kill zombies. The zombies are samurais...You're a samurai also.

Starfox: You have to save your team over and over fighting the legions of a giant monkey head

Starfox: Slippy Toad gets shot at.

...By you.

 

[Sixcess]

Bushido Blade: it's a fighting game. Every opponent can kill you in one hit.

 

[Cain_Zeros]

Mass Effect: You shoot robots, and can have sex if you say the right things.

 

[Aqualung]

Uncharted: Kill minorities.

Uncharted 2: Kill minorities, in snow.

 

[Swishdude]

World of Warcraft: Imagine finding a while new way to hate yourself.

 

[Swishdude]

Day of the Tentacle: A giant talking purple tentacle drinks toxic waste, finds a time machine, then takes over the world.

Metroid: Game play that's twice as long because they make you go back to places you have already been to get farther in the game.

(edit: sorry about the double post)

 

[A random person]

You play as a lawyer with spiky hair, defend clients by yelling and pointing.

Swap out clothing in a jungle while eating wild animals, sneaking around, and getting molested by electrified Russian dudes.

Experience audio stutter while walking around the wild west.

Shoot yourself repeatedly while exploring your high school and improving your social skills.

Hit quirky things in and around your neighborhood with baseball bats, while occasionally befriending youth about your age.

Eventually save the world by getting up late for a fair, and by the time it ends to boot.

Barter increasingly ludicrous items with a paranoid shop-keeper while your lagomorph friend makes fun of stuff.