Your worst joke

[Novacain4862]

What do you call a monkey filled with helium?
A hot-air baboon.

You mean a woman?

 

[The_Prophet]

What do fish brush their teeth with?
What?
Fish don't have teeth.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shark

And on topic:
A neutron walks into a bar. Orders a drink, tries to pay, but the barman stops him. "For you, no charge."

Oh, you sir are awesome.

 

[Nova Tendril]

Brother:A reign of terror is approaching.
Me:Better get an umbrella.

I don't remember what conversation we were having but I do remember that it ended right after I said that.

 

[Redingold]

Okay. So, there's a rich man, in ye olde times, and he's on his way back to his mansion when somebody knocks on the window of his carriage, so he opens the door, and standing there, is a knight. The knight looks at him and says, "I've just fought a terrible dragon, and it's a long way to my kingdom. Please, may I stay and rest at your mansion?" So the rich man says, "Of course!", and he lets the knight into his carriage, and then he drives home. They reach his house, and it's this beautiful, luxurious mansion. They step inside, and the rich man takes the knight to the staircase and says to him: "Go up the stairs, and take the first door on the left," so the knight goes upstairs, and takes the first door on the left, and it opens up into this huge, magnificent bedroom, with an enormous four-poster bed, and an en-suite bathroom, and the knight sits down on the bed, takes his armour off, nurses his burns and falls asleep. Meanwhile, the rich man downstairs is enjoying his pipe, when there's a knock on the door. Now the rich man is thinking "Who could it be at this time of night?" so he goes to the door, and opens it, and there's a knight there, and the knight says "I've just fought in an epic war, and I need somewhere to rest for the night," and the rich man says "O.K., just go up those stairs, and take the second door on the left, and there will be a bed and somewhere to freshen up. So the knight goes upstairs, and he takes the second door on the left, and again, it's a beautiful room. so he freshens up, cleans his wounds, splashes some aftershave on, and falls asleep. Now, downstairs, the rich man is just getting ready to go to bed himself, when he hears a knock on the door! So, he's a little bit annoyed, but he goes and opens it, and there's a beautiful princes-nah, I'm kidding, it's a knight. The knight says that he's just fought a terrible and powerful wizard, blah blah blah, freshen up, yadda yadda yadda. The rich man points him to the second room on the right, the knight goes upstairs, falls onto the bed, you know the rest. A few minutes later, the rich man comes upstairs, goes in the first door on the right, falls asleep.
In the morning, the first knight comes downstairs, and the rich man is there, eating a bowl of cornflakes. He asks the knight what he would like for breakfast, and the knight has a choice between kippers and cornflakes. So the knight thinks, and he decides that he'll have kippers, because it's a good source of protein and all that. So he has his kippers and toast, says goodbye to the rich man, and sets off for his own kingdom. Then, the second knight comes down, and he has cornflakes for breakfast, sets off for his kingdom, the third knight comes down, decides to have kippers. He has his kippers, with toast, and a big wodge of butter, and he eventually sets off.

So, the motto of the story is:

Two out of three knights prefer kippers for breakfast.

 

[ThaBenMan]

So, the motto of the story is:

Two out of three knights prefer kippers for breakfast.

Heh. Heh heh.

That was actually pretty good, in an absurdist way.

 

[LilGherkin]

What do you call a hooker who works St. Paul & Minneapolis?

Spoiler

A Tale Of Two Cities

 

[BBLIZZARD]

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist are on a plane crossing the Atlantic Ocean. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

dude your jokes are really bad, in a good way.

What did Batman say to Robin before They got in the car?



"Robin, get in the car"

 

[ThaBenMan]

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist are on a plane crossing the Atlantic Ocean. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

dude your jokes are really bad, in a good way.

Thanks. I didn't actually make them up myself; they're from The Areas of My Expertise [http://www.amazon.com/Areas-My-Expertise-John-Hodgman/dp/B001DDLV56/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1238621528&sr=1-3] by John Hodgman. They're from the section "Jokes That Have Never Produced Laughter" (but the whole book is hilarious - there's a section about when hobos staged a government coup in the 50's)

 

[GyroCaptain]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Bento
Bento who?
Bento the Japanese restaurant yet?

 

[Twilight_guy]

The worst joke of all time:
Why couldn't the ten-year-old go see the new pirate movie?
Because it was rated ARRR.

 

[WittyName]

The worst joke of all time:
Why couldn't the ten-year-old go see the new pirate movie?
Because it was rated ARRR.

lol...

I feel slightly ashamed that I laughed at that now...

Don't judge me!!

 

[OneBig Man]

Q:Why did the monkey fall out of a tree?

A:Because it was dead.

 

[Darkmark44]

Hmm...it was a conversation I had with a friend that was Jewish.

Him: Well, they screwed it up, they got a chance and screwed it up.

Me: Hitler had a chance and look what happened, he failed...

Hah, but he is a cool guy though, that made him laugh fora while. It was more like, you had to be there kind of thing.

 

[Nia-san]

A man walked into a bar carrying a shoebox and walked up to the bartender. He said, "If I can show you something you've never seen before would you let me drink here as much as I want when ever I want for free?" The Bartender replied, "Well you can surely give it a shot, but I warn you. I have seen a lot things." So the guy takes the lid off the shoe box and inside is a six inch man playing a small piano. The bartender is shocked and says, "Well that is definitely something I have never seen before. Alright you can drink here when ever you want and as much as you want for free. Just I want to know where you found the six inch man." The Man replies, "You see I found this Genie who granted me one wish and the poor guy thought I wished for a six inch pianist."

Sorry its crass but that's all I can come up with right now.

Actually I know of XKCD and I heard the joke like two days before that cartoon was put up. My favorite so far is the car that was cut in half because it took up two parking spots.

 

[newguy77]

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion!

 

[PurpleRain]

My selection of orphan based humour:

(By Larenxis)
-You can always make more orphans.
-And orphan walks into a bar... without any parents.

(By me)
-Two orphans walked into a bar, well, that's what I'll tell the police if they show up.
-Why did the orphan cross the road? Because I set the orphanage on fire and chased the lil' bastard across with an axe!

 

[Noamuth]

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Dewey decimal system."
"Dewey decimal system-"
*interrupt* "DO WE EVER!"

.. Not really mine, but I love it.

 

[(Insert name hear)]

Ok.
This joke is absolutely horrible. I mean, horrible. Do not read it unless you have absolutely nothing to do. And it's quite long.

Spoiler

So, there's this guy named Stanley and he's a train conductor. One day, he's conducting his train and he runs over, and kills, 3 people. He gets brought before a judge, where he is sentenced to death. However, before he dies, he is allowed to have one last meal of whatever he wants. Stanley tells them, "On an island in the Caribbean, there's this banana tree. On it are 3 pink bananas. I would like a pink banana cream pie." So the judge sends someone out to get a pink banana and make the pie. After the pie is made, they give the pie to Stanley who eats it eagerly. He then says, "OK, I'm ready to die now. So they put him in the electric chair and set at the medium voltage and zap him. Smoke goes into the air. When the smoke clears, Stanley is still sitting on the chair, unhurt. The judge is astounded, and wants to try again, but Stanley says, "Hey! Thats it, you did what you said you would, now let me go! So they let him go.

One week later, Stanley is driving his train again when he runs over 5 people, two parents and 3 children. He again gets brought before a judge, who again sentences him to death. However, he still gets his last meal, so he again orders a pink banana cream pie. He eats it and says, "Mmmm! That was delicious! I'm ready to die now." They then strap him in the electric chair and raise the power high enough to kill a horse. They pull the lever, and smoke flies threw the air. When it clears, Stanley is still sitting in the chair! After arguing over whether or not they can try again, they eventually let Stanley free.

1 month later, Stanley is conducting his train when he runs over 4 people. He is brought before a judge who sentences him to death for the third time. When he orders his pink banana cream pie, the judge says "Uhuh! That pie is obviously preventing you from getting what you deserve, so can't have that." So Stanley orders a regular cream pie. After eating it, he says, "meh, it was OK, just not that special." Again Stanley is strapped into the electric chair. They now raise the power to its maximum. They pull the lever, and there is a huge explosive noise. All the cities lights go out. Smoke rises into the air. When it clears, Stanley is still sitting in the chair! The judge, bewildered, says, "What's happening? Why aren't you dead?" And Stanley , smiling, says, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor"!

(Heard it except it had a different food each time, and it was for running over old ladies)

Two bagels are in a toaster, one says "it's hot in hear", and the other one says "omg talking bagel!"

two pizzas are in a oven, one says "it's hot in hear" the other one says "Omg talking pizza!"

two sodas are in a refrigerator, one says "it's hot in hear" that other one says "dude ,were in a refrigerator."

 

[Noamuth]

Ok.
This joke is absolutely horrible. I mean, horrible. Do not read it unless you have absolutely nothing to do. And it's quite long.

Spoiler

So, there's this guy named Stanley and he's a train conductor. One day, he's conducting his train and he runs over, and kills, 3 people. He gets brought before a judge, where he is sentenced to death. However, before he dies, he is allowed to have one last meal of whatever he wants. Stanley tells them, "On an island in the Caribbean, there's this banana tree. On it are 3 pink bananas. I would like a pink banana cream pie." So the judge sends someone out to get a pink banana and make the pie. After the pie is made, they give the pie to Stanley who eats it eagerly. He then says, "OK, I'm ready to die now. So they put him in the electric chair and set at the medium voltage and zap him. Smoke goes into the air. When the smoke clears, Stanley is still sitting on the chair, unhurt. The judge is astounded, and wants to try again, but Stanley says, "Hey! Thats it, you did what you said you would, now let me go! So they let him go.

One week later, Stanley is driving his train again when he runs over 5 people, two parents and 3 children. He again gets brought before a judge, who again sentences him to death. However, he still gets his last meal, so he again orders a pink banana cream pie. He eats it and says, "Mmmm! That was delicious! I'm ready to die now." They then strap him in the electric chair and raise the power high enough to kill a horse. They pull the lever, and smoke flies threw the air. When it clears, Stanley is still sitting in the chair! After arguing over whether or not they can try again, they eventually let Stanley free.

1 month later, Stanley is conducting his train when he runs over 4 people. He is brought before a judge who sentences him to death for the third time. When he orders his pink banana cream pie, the judge says "Uhuh! That pie is obviously preventing you from getting what you deserve, so can't have that." So Stanley orders a regular cream pie. After eating it, he says, "meh, it was OK, just not that special." Again Stanley is strapped into the electric chair. They now raise the power to its maximum. They pull the lever, and there is a huge explosive noise. All the cities lights go out. Smoke rises into the air. When it clears, Stanley is still sitting in the chair! The judge, bewildered, says, "What's happening? Why aren't you dead?" And Stanley , smiling, says, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor"!

(Heard it except it had a different food each time, and it was for running over old ladies)

Two bagels are in a toaster, one says "it's hot in hear", and the other one says "omg talking bagel!"

two pizzas are in a oven, one says "it's hot in hear" the other one says "Omg talking pizza!"

two sodas are in a refrigerator, one says "it's hot in hear" that other one says "dude ,were in a refrigerator."

I'm sorry, but it is 'here', not 'hear'.

Apart from that, I giggled, though I've heard it before.

 

[Audemas]

I have a few but this one is kind of long, my Dad told me this a while ago.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. The bartender asks him,? You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time? The Irishman replies, ?Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.? The bartender says, ?That?s a nice way to remember your brothers.? The bartender goes back to work. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, ?I don?t want to intrude on you but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.? The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. ?Oh, no,? he says, ?Everyone?s fine. I?ve just quit drinking.?