"You're being too picky because you don't like X!"

[DrownedAmmet]

One of the things I find baffling about relationships is that so many people think this is unreasonable. Not gaming specifically, but for years, people were really annoyed that I wouldn't date people I shared no interested with. I'm a massive music geek, atheist, and reader and you want to hook me up with a Christian who only listens to Creed and thinks my favourite book series is is inspired by Satan, and you think this is going to work out because...?

Woah, where did that sucker punch at Creed come from? I'm an atheist and I enjoy me some Creed. They're one of those bands that everyone talks shit about, but I believe secretly enjoy. If your sitting at a stoplight and "My Own Prison" comes on, I guarantee you'll be singing along if you think no one is looking

On topic, those are pretty common "deal-breakers." Smoking I can understand, tobacco breath isn't very attractive, but I never understood why dating someone with kids would be a problem. Kids are pretty cool, most of them just want to play video games or play legos, and enjoy arguing about what superhero would win in a fight.
Plus the mom usually carries around snacks and juice boxes so you can always steal a few of those if your hungry

Don't be afraid to expand your horizons a bit

 

[Odbarc]

If your pretty lax on everything else, non-smoker / no kids is a very low standard which a lot of women in their 30's and older simply cannot pass. Mainly because they mostly all have kids by now.
And frankly smoking is pretty much a specific type of drug user and I wouldn't consider dating anyone who uses any kind of drug.

I wouldn't even really want to date an ex-smoker to be honest. Because one bad day and they'll be puffing behind your back.
Not wanting to raise someone else's kids is a very economically sound decision too. Kids are expensive. If I knew someone else would be raising my kids and I wouldn't have to, I'd probably want 1000 of them bastards running around in the world.

Things that are a high standard are more along the lines of 'Only if they're the hottest or make the most money'. An extreme within a slider to scale between people.
Just don't submit to someone who you already know will not make you happy.

 

[Cowabungaa]

This is not the case with everyone, some people hate being alone and will put up with a lot of shit just to have someone else.

I was like that once. Boy did I learn my lesson quickly. I'll be honest; being alone definitely isn't my preferred state. Hell, I hate it even. I'm a loving, cuddly guy who really longs for the kind of unique intimacy and safe-space-ness a relationship brings. Someone to come home to and all what that brings; someone who sees your blind spots, who calls you out on bullshit, who supports and comforts you, who spans a bridge a friend could never cross.

The thing is? A relationship you're in simply not to be alone is never ever going to give you that space or intimacy. It was absolutely miserable being with someone you share so little with on a deeper level. That when you're with that person you can't be completely yourself, you can't express yourself.

In a way that situation feels even more lonely than actually being alone. I'll never understand why people prefer it.

Smoking I can understand, tobacco breath isn't very attractive, but I never understood why dating someone with kids would be a problem. Kids are pretty cool, most of them just want to play video games or play legos, and enjoy arguing about what superhero would win in a fight.

To me there's two sides. First, there's the money aspect. Kids are horrendously expensive and that's not something I want to deal with. It'd curb where I want to put my priorities and that doesn't sound like something that'd make me happy. I have nothing against people who do, but it's not me.

Second, there's the responsibility aspect. I'm a very outgoing guy in my own geeky way. Especially young kids keep you home-bound. I already noticed that with an ex of mine who had a dog and it was a real source of friction.

It's not so much a horizon thing as much as me not wanting to subject any party in the relationship to that kind of friction and stress. Who knows what my stance will be in a decade for now, but for now it's something that doesn't at all connect with me.

This is a salient point. While you should never approach anyone as a project fit for changing, smoking is NOT a permanent condition, and people do change. I know a lot of smokers, and with one very annoying exception (my mother), they all WANT to quit. And a good number of them HAVE quit, successfully. And one of those is my girlfriend, who quit nine years ago after a few months of dating because she knew it bothered me.

The thing is that I'd never expect someone to make that change for me. If you're not that bothered by it, sure. But I can't help but be absolutely revolted by it. Probably thanks to my grandmother and the places she dragged me to as a kid. It reduces any physical attraction I can have to an absolute zero, which is not really something that's under your control. That doesn't really help even starting to date a smoker.

 

[9tailedflame]

Those sound like reasonable standards to me. I probably wouldn't date a smoker either, and i'm not a fan of baby crazy neanderthals who let their instincts and hormones overpower their higher brain functions either. I'm not against kids as a concept, but if my future wife/girfriend/whatever isn't mature enough to have kids when we're ready and want to from the reasoning part of our brains, and not because there's some hormones in her body or some culture telling her she needs to, then it's probably not a good idea for us to be parents at that time.

Then again, i'm single and lonely, so maybe i'm not the best person to ask.

 

[Battenberg]

I don't think either of those individual conditions for a relationship make you picky. That said "picky" basically means you have too many restrictions on what you'll accept and/ or restrictions that are too strict. It's pretty subjective at what point you cross the line from knowing what you want to being too picky so you might as well stick to your guns and handle things however you want.

 

[Sniper Team 4]

I won't date someone who smokes. I can't stand the smell of it, it makes my asthma act up, I think it's disgusting what it does to your body (how people can kiss a mouth that looks like that, I don't understand...), and I don't want to watch someone kill themselves.

As for the whole, "Why don't you get them to quit?" thing, no. Smoking is an addiction and it alters your brain, just like every other addiction. If the person wants to quit on their own, then more power to them. But if the sole reason they're quitting is so I will date them, or because I told them to quit, that is going to be too much stress to deal with. Every time they need that fix but don't take it, every time that anger builds at being denied, that is going to be directed at me. That frustration is going to be taken out on me, because I'm the source of it in that person's mind--especially if I'm the reason they're trying to quit. And that is stress I don't need in a relationship.

So yeah, smokers are off the table for me. It doesn't matter how much you measure up in every other department, I won't budge on that.

As for if the person has kids, that's...a bit more difficult. I'm not completely opposed to it (I didn't date a girl who had a toddler), but generally I'd prefer no kids from a previous relationship.
However, I do want to have kids eventually myself.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

The thing is that I'd never expect someone to make that change for me. If you're not that bothered by it, sure. But I can't help but be absolutely revolted by it. Probably thanks to my grandmother and the places she dragged me to as a kid. It reduces any physical attraction I can have to an absolute zero, which is not really something that's under your control. That doesn't really help even starting to date a smoker.

It's nothing I expected. We dated for a few weeks, I told her that the smoking was just too big a problem for me and I didn't think I could be okay with it, she decided on her own to quit because she valued the relationship more than the cigarettes.

You can't put a gun to someone's head about it, but you can certainly let them make the decision themselves.

 

[Spider RedNight]

I wouldn't say someone's too picky regarding not dating someone who smokes or has kids. That can be extended to any standards someone has regarding what they want in a relationship or from a relationship.

However, I don't think it's just these two things that people call you picky about but I can't put my finger on it.

 

[Lilani]

I would call those pretty reasonable. Smoking and children are big things, and can have pretty drastic affects on your lifestyle. I think sometimes when a person says they have "dealbreakers," some people assume that means they're going to be an asshole to anyone with those qualities that seeks a relationship with them. But that isn't really how it works in practice. You just...don't pursue a romantic relationship with them. Or if you start and then realize later on, you just break it off like you'd break off any relationship that just doesn't work out.

I think people CAN get too picky about relationships. To me, someone is too picky when they worry about little things in relationships, or consistently expect very specific behaviors of their partner without worrying about their own behaviors. For example, someone who would break up over them not leaving the toilet seat down, or get very upset if they fart nearby, or expecting flowers every Valentine's, or constantly trumpet how they need to be "treated right." Everybody's partner has a few quirks or habits that get on their nerves, but people in healthy relationships find compromises and balances. To expect your partner to do NOTHING that might annoy or frustrate you is simply unreasonable. And it's also unreasonable to have a long and specific laundry list of things that your partner must do for you, without ever considering what you should do for your partner.

Now, I did see an interesting article recently called "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink." [http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/] The title is a bit of a fake-out. The writer's point isn't that his wife divorced him over something petty, but rather that the little things he neglected to became an indication that he didn't respect her wishes or opinions. He didn't care if a glass stayed by the sink a few days before making it into the washer, but SHE did. And he knew she did. The gesture of putting the glass in the sink was not a great sacrifice on his part, and doing so put a lot less stress on her in the long run. Of course there is a point where reasonable requests end and nagging begins, but if little things are taking a toll on the relationship, chances are it's a lot more nuanced than "He doesn't put his dishes away when he's done" or "She doesn't take out the trash when it's full."

So, yeah. It's not always black and white, and the limits in every relationship are different. Ultimately, when you're with a person you want them to be as happy and content with your situation as you are. If they aren't, or neither of you is happy, then something isn't right. Of course perfect balance all the time is impossible, but as long as you're both aware of when things shift and are willing to react accordingly, then things will work out in the end.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Few things to get to here, but I'm feeling too lazy to multi-quote, so find the response you best need!

1: I do mean smoking ANYTHING, period. Yes, even that. Which considering I live in Vermont is actually a fairly big problem. Its just really goddamn nasty, and expensive as hell too. Like people make fun of gamers for spending money, but even my most spendy years don't compare to an average year for a smoker.

2: I wouldn't try to make or ask anyone to change for me to be in a relationship for them. Their business is their business, and its a mite disrespectful for me to want that of them.

3: Its not that I don't want a girlfriend; its about deserving and earning one. "Deserving and earning" in this case meaning being likable enough and having something about me worthwhile enough that someone would actually be interested and that I would like as well.

4: The kids thing is just a big all-round no. I don't want the expense or the responsibility. Much less all the other troubles that go along with it. And since for me there are basically zero benefits to having children, I'd never want to be a part of it.

5: CRAP. He is right; I have a reputation and an image to uphold. Gotta think of something quick...um...um....

HERE WE GO:

Spoiler

Reputation and image upheld.

 

[Extra-Ordinary]

I was like that once. Boy did I learn my lesson quickly. I'll be honest; being alone definitely isn't my preferred state. Hell, I hate it even. I'm a loving, cuddly guy who really longs for the kind of unique intimacy and safe-space-ness a relationship brings. Someone to come home to and all what that brings; someone who sees your blind spots, who calls you out on bullshit, who supports and comforts you, who spans a bridge a friend could never cross.

The thing is? A relationship you're in simply not to be alone is never ever going to give you that space or intimacy. It was absolutely miserable being with someone you share so little with on a deeper level. That when you're with that person you can't be completely yourself, you can't express yourself.

In a way that situation feels even more lonely than actually being alone. I'll never understand why people prefer it.

Similar story, I was in a pretty lonely state while getting over a crush, it was pathetic. Not saying anybody who has a hard time with unrequited love is pathetic, I'm saying holding myself to my own personal standards, I wallowed way too deep for way too long.

But where I was going with this and what makes this story similar instead of the same is I didn't throw myself into anything. I wanted to, and boy, did it seem like options of taste opened up but something just couldn't go for it. Over the course of realizing my emotions, I realized that I held the same principle I always had: I gotta really want the person. I don't want to go for anybody unless I really, deeply care for them. No "maybe, maybe not", I have to say "yes", you know, kinda like what other people are saying here with "don't settle".

However, that meant that I really don't get that many crushes. That can be good in a way, no heartbreak, but it does get lonely sometimes. I thought not romantically wanting anyone meant I'm not supposed to complain about not having someone but you know, everyone can agree that no one should be left alone. I tried to convince my friends as well as myself that I'm all good, and for the most part I am but it didn't completely take, I don't know maybe I'm a lonely man who's in the middle of something that he doesn't really understand.

Anyway.

I like reading your story because it gives me strong affirmation to stay the course, you know? It confirms what I've been thinking, settling really isn't gonna do it. I always thought that way, kind of, but it's nice to hear someone else say it.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Few things to get to here, but I'm feeling too lazy to multi-quote, so find the response you best need!

1: I do mean smoking ANYTHING, period. Yes, even that. Which considering I live in Vermont is actually a fairly big problem. Its just really goddamn nasty, and expensive as hell too. Like people make fun of gamers for spending money, but even my most spendy years don't compare to an average year for a smoker.

2: I wouldn't try to make or ask anyone to change for me to be in a relationship for them. Their business is their business, and its a mite disrespectful for me to want that of them.

You've called smokers every name including "disgusting, nasty and wasteful",and you're worried about being disrespectful? If you click in every other way, asking someone to quit a habit you don't like isn't inherently disrespectful. It's disrespectful to assume this one random habit defines them more than all their other positive traits.

It sounds more like you're making excuses than this actually being some insurmountable obstacle. You can say the reason you aren't trying is that you don't have any prospects, when in reality most people don't smoke, many of those who do either want to or wouldn't mind quitting, and a lot of people don't want kids.

 

[Kanedias]

You won't "Deal with", in what way? You won't be friends with people with kids, or who smoke? What if a current friend of yours turns out to be smoking, or has a kid? I need some more information on those points, because if you just mean you that you won't date someone, then fine that's all you. If you won't be friends with people because of a vice or kids, then that's your choice too, but your world is going to get very fucking small.

 

[Dizchu]

There's nothing wrong with having high standards. My standards are very high and I have only had one girlfriend, but she was the absolute best person for me at the time and provided me with experiences I doubt anyone else could give me. Had I gone out with anyone who displayed the slightest interest in me those relationships might not have been as strong and meaningful (and some of those girls were really cute too, so my standards aren't high just because of physical appearance).

But here's what you need to keep in mind. While having high standards is fine, never blame anyone for not reaching those standards. In fact, don't even openly complain about it either. These standards are self-imposed and if nobody lives up to them either deal with it or lower your standards. Girlfriends are not a product that have to stand up to scrutiny, they're real people like everyone else.

 

[Callate]

I think it's perfectly all right to have standards if you have clear reasons for your standards. You don't want to care for children, you don't want to breathe someone else's smoke; that's your choice.

When someone starts patting themselves on the back for being so exclusive- or complaining how there's no one out there who isn't x, y, or z, or otherwise failing to contemplate that the problem with their relationship-seeking might just not lie with everyone else... that's when I start to lose sympathy.