I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; Do not have any other gods before me.
No, wait, that one already exists
Here, I'll make some up for real.
I shall quote directly from my holy text that I made up just now.
Behold, the holy text, the book of Bill:
"Bill rose from his chair and pointless life one day to visit the hill of refuse in the distant land of suburbia, for he dwealt in the land of downtown and his existence had become a rut which he so deired to change.
And the Lord spake for the first time and the last and so did his holy words fall upon the ears the prophet Bill and Bill's ears alone. And the Lord did say:
Bill thou hath traveled far, from the great land of downtown to my holy rest upon this hill of refuse, to hear the words that must be spoken. Bill, thou hath traveled and exhausted thyself and so thou shalt be rewarded. Thou shalt be blessed with a flash drive bearing the ten holy commandments.
These holy words thou must always follow and follow always, for shouldst thou betray my words, thou shalt be damned to the eighth hell (Lib. 1:2) and so are my holy teachings.
To the prophet Bill's misfortune, his iPad had no USB ports and was run over by a car on the way home. The holy words were lost, but they can be guessed by the method that the prophet Bill had lived before speaking to the Lord.
The lord wrote:
OH MY GAWDZ TIHS IZ C0L XD YU WANNA FLW THIS OR BE DAMMMD 4EVAHZ!!!!!111!!!1! TEH LRD HAPTH SPOKEN. OK IMMA TRI to rite proper nao.
Firstlie, i am a just a god and a fare god, but i am also a jellus god, so my comandmints wil be fare and just but allso sellphish, four i hath enlitend yu and brot yu from teh land of downtowm to rize to gratenes in the thurd hevven (Lib. 1:3 yu shud reed it, it iz a gud buk) and yu must trust whut i say.
Thow shalt not take my name in vain so i wont tell you it
Thow shalt not war ship comersse or stive to abtayn welth, four mateerializam iz leeds to greed and greed iz a sin.
Thow shalt wurk ate dayz evrie week ond on the ninth yu shall rest.
Four the lord (that's me!) created the erth in sevvin dayz but yu niid to work moar.
But Yu niid rest and so on the ninth dae yu shall rest.
Thow shalt honor thie familie and ther name and speek ther names to yur chilldren.
Thow shalt not take the life of anuther for anny reeson. I dont care if yu want to make a sacrifise or yu hate sumbudy, yu cant kill them.
Thow shalt luv thy naybor like he iz thigh brutha and not clebete w/o him.
Thow shalt luv thy wife liek she cood never doo rong and thow shalt treet her liek a human being.
Thow shalt not take wut belongs to another. Like wize tthow shalt not covet the peeple who belong themselvz to anuther (like sumbuddys gurlfrend or boyfrend)
Thow shalt not hate uthers for they, liek yu are men and wemen and they are all peeple."
The book of Librus:
"The lord created the earth in seven days and the heavens and hells in seven more, then so did he make the forests and the land and the creatures. At death on the earth, the soul is divided, its evils reach the hells and its good parts, the heavens.
Below, the hells number nine, each creates a torment to counter the wrongs of a past life. The first and worst is for those who murder out of hate, they must watch those they love die. The second is for those who hate for vengeance and they must love their enemy. The third is for those who hate for unchangeable factors determined at birth, they must live with the factor they hate. The fourth is reserved for thieves, those who break the ninth commandment they must live alone. The fifth through seventh house the people who have been generally unpleasant and made nuisances of themselves, they are ignored. The eighth and ninth are reserved for those who break other commandments than the sixth, ninth and tenth they must suffer those who break the commandments they broke.
Above are the heavens, they number three. The first is for the generally good, they rise to brothership and family. The second is for heroes, they are exalted to all that they abstained from in order to reach their heaven. The third is reserved for devout followers of the faith and true paragons, they have all that is in the first and second heavens.
The earth is where all things are born and all things die. Should it end, so too shall the heavens and hells and the divided souls shall war for all eternity in the void that remains."
I think it needs a bit of reworking. The texts don't sound holy enough and they're much shorter than other texts (although that may be a bonus). I'm a bit disappointed, though, that it got more serious than I intended.
