Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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snow

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Jan 14, 2010
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That's actually impressive.. 5 hours...

I remember when a friend showed me.. FF.. 9 or 10 or something.. and I played through the beginning part.. (watched through the beginning part and walked like 3 steps to watch the next part of said beginning)

Queue me going "Yep!! Eff dis game!"... I think it was 20 minutes for me..

The old school final fantasies are the only goodies in my book... Once they went 3d they lost their touch...
 

The Bandit

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TheSquirrelisKing said:
The review was hilarious as usual, but I do have something to say.
He is not an unbiased game critic. There is no such thing. Specifically, some of his complaints (the menu based combat for instance) are part of the JRPG genre, which he has previously stated to not be a fan of. I loved Final Fantasy 7, and 8 is my personal favorite RPG of all time after Chrono Trigger. That being said, I think his most rousing point is the story. It is single handedly the most important element in an RPG, or at least the most devastating if you cock it up. From the way he describes it, the story in this game is practically optional.
Really, I never planned on buying another Final Fantasy after 9 which for some reason left a bad taste in my mouth, but I am rather tempted after the description of "Cooky Spice". I am intrigued by the potential for completely insane characters. I'm just going to assume that he was using hyperbole and stay away from FF13 like I was planning on doing anyway.
It. Was. Sarcasm.

If you can't see and understand that, you shouldn't be using a computer.
 

Russian_Assassin

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Loved the ending bit about killing the... red haired cookie spice (or whatever).

Good luck with the bar, if I ever come to Australia I hope I visit it.
 

The Bandit

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ShibuyaRiver said:
Again, this whole '20' hours thing has been blown out of the water as well.

The game is actually pretty fun and opens up within the first four hours. Jesus. Stop being sheep and listening to everything your internet celebs say.
Yeah, disagreeing with your opinion makes us sheep. You're implying that we waited until Yahtzee made this review to hate your beloved genre- or that we didn't hate it before Yahtzee first started talking about JRPGs.

Maybe you should stop crying whenever someone insults your favwite wittle game. :(
 

clammy

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Mar 10, 2010
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I spent 40 hours trying to find the "Game" in this.

After realising that before i can progress to chapter 12 i need to grind for another 10 hours or so - i noticed i wasnt actually having fun and was just trying to finish the pile of poop to say i had done.

i havent turned it on since.
 

Mr_Paisley

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Dec 21, 2009
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Toasty Virus said:
I really tried to enjoy this game, I loved all the other Final Fantasy's(Even 8) but this just didnt do it for me

Although Sahz made the bits I played worth it =D
You know 8 is really quite underrated as far as the series is concerned. People often confuse "angsty drama" with "indifference". Squall just doesn't really care about anything at the beginning of the game, and that throws people off really. Sure he's not your likable Edward Cullen hero (wait did I say likable?), but he's pretty fucking normal as far as real people are concerned.

Everything else in the game is pretty standard Squaresoft Final Fantasy though.
 

Pendragon9

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Man, this was exactly what I expected.

Good review. I had a feeling this game would slam face first into mediocrity. Too bad you didn't play the PS3 version. At least there would've been less disks for you. :/
 

DKboy001

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One thing I can agree agree with almost fully is that I'm not a big fan of JRPGs either. However, one of the best JRPGs I've played and one of the best games I've played in terms of gameplay and storyline is Tales of Symphonia for GC. Aside from the awesome story and gameplay, the 2 main reason why I prefer this game to most RPGs in general is this: NO random battles and NO turn-based combat! Those are the main reasons I can't stand most RPGs, and Tales of Symphonia as neither. Yahtzee, review this game, it's like the RPG for people who got pissed off at RPGs.
 

Xshu

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Mirroga said:
blalien said:
I'm getting a slight hunch that Yahtzee is not a fan of Vanille.
Who the fuck is a fan of Vanille, besides those gamers who think mindless, kooky, underaged girls with no visible contribution to the storyline are cute and thinks they're comic relief. They're not comic relief, they're annoying and more of a joke. The only thing I see from the "Kooky spices" are as further bait to satisfy the hungers of perverted fan-artists.

If you are a fan of Vanille or will otherwise prove me wrong in some fashion, I have no reason to respond back because this is what I consider as fact. I do not want fillers/filler characters in my games or in my animes. Also, if there's some good explanation as to why she acts like that, then please reply back as to how she also contributes heavily to the storyline outside gameplay.
Some fun SPOILER facts about Vanille:

1. Vanille wouldn't be underaged even if she weren't 500 years old, because she was turned to crystal at 19.

2. Vanille's kookiness is a front for her terrible guilt over the fact that her job is to destroy the world and the fact her attempt to dodge this fate is what got the main characters as royally fucked as they are. Seriously, she's actually not kooky at all. She completely drops all pretentious to kookiness as soon as she meets up with Fang.

3. Every saccharine word out of her mouth is a filthy goddamn lie until chapter 11. Vanille may be the most compulsive liar in Final Fantasy history.
 

snow

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I'm seeing a lot of "It gets good after 5-6 hours and gets AWESOME after 12-13 hours" on here...


Really?? If a game takes 5 hours to become entertaining then who in their right mind is gonna sit there and play it if they aren't enjoying it? I give Yahtzee credit for lasting as long as he did...
 

Candlejack DANZA

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snowfox said:
I'm seeing a lot of "It gets good after 5-6 hours and gets AWESOME after 12-13 hours" on here...


Really?? If a game takes 5 hours to become entertaining then who in their right mind is gonna sit there and play it if they aren't enjoying it? I give Yahtzee credit for lasting as long as he did...
I hate JRPGs but I'd just like to point out that percentage is everything.
 

SonicKoala

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Sep 8, 2009
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I enjoyed this review, I really felt that he was bashing things which were actually detrimental to the game itself, rather than just focusing on miniscule aspects for the sake of comedy. Sure, there was the footsteps thing, but shut up, that was pretty funny.
 

ckam

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Oct 8, 2008
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Wait, he actually liked a Final Fantasy? That's something new...
 

hitheremynameisbob

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yanipheonu said:
Vestsao said:
FFXIII is the only FF game I've played and I really like it... My heart is broken and I shall now email YZ about how wrong he is and how he should reviewing games..
Which raises a great point. A lot of the nay saying is due to nostalgia. Most (actually likely all, even the linearity) of the elements people don't like have been done in FFs before.

I know it would be wonderful if FFXIII was the same as your favourite, but Square wants to make what they want.
How is the naysaying due to nostalgia if all the points of contention are elements from previous games? That makes no sense :p

And regardless, it's almost the default "covering my ears, I'm not listening!" argument of people defending an entry into an established series to suggest this. Not that it doesn't ever happen, but really LISTEN to the things people are saying about it. The complaint isn't "this game has some minor linearity", it's "this game is TOO linear." There's a big difference there. The argument is thus that the game is more linear than its predecessors, not just that it is linear. Previous games all - repeat, ALL let you freely explore the environment to a certain extent (and I'm just talking about "Numbered" Final Fantasy games here, not Tactics, etc...) from the get-go. Sure you didn't get access to the entire world right off the bat, but unlocking more and more of it as you progressed and obtained new vehicles, etc... was part of the fun of exploring. They mixed this up a bit with FFX and FFXII, but you still had the ability to backtrack, sidequest, and explore a little bit (moreso in XII). Thus, completely removing this freedom from the game is a big change.

And yes, change isn't necessarily a bad thing, but having played the game myself I can safely say that, to me, every single mechanic change they implemented is just terrible, and makes XIII far less fun than any of the previous titles in the series.

ShibuyaRiver said:
Again, this whole '20' hours thing has been blown out of the water as well.

The game is actually pretty fun and opens up within the first four hours. Jesus. Stop being sheep and listening to everything your internet celebs say.
Because nobody could possibly actually dislike something you like... How exactly does it "open up" in four hours? You for damned sure can't make it to Grand Pulse in that time, which is the 20 hour mark everyone else is referring to. You're probably just talking about the combat system fully unlocking, but I don't really care about that, since the whole system is **** as far as I'm concerned. The "opening up" bit people have been talking about is when the game stops forcing you to run down straight-line corridors punctuated on either end by cutscenes, and 20 hours is a pretty accurate guess on that.

The combat system is the least-involving, least-nuanced iteration that we've ever seen with the ATB. You only directly control one character, and even that is a tenuous claim, because most of the time you'll just be hitting the auto-battle button, since battles occur in real time and thus wasted seconds are truly wasted. You can issue your party general commands with the paradigms, but think of how simplified that has made things - your control over your entire party has been essentially whittled down to the same level of control you have over squadron-mates in flight combat games like HAWX or Ace Combat. "Attack, Defend, Support" has been expanded to include "attack with magic, debuff the enemy, and heal us", but it's still an incredibly basic, AI-reliant mechanic that ensures most of what you'll be doing in battles is watching from the sidelines, casually tapping one button again and again until you need to paradigm shift. It's all just BORING. At least with Gambits when the game played itself it did so based on the rules YOU set for it.
 

jericu

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I'm a big fan of Yahtzee, but this felt like a very unprofessional review. He admits that not only did he not finish the game, he only got 5 hours in and proclaimed it as ass, which is like taking a nibble off of a slice of cake and decreeing that the cake is disgusting. He can make all the arguments about how a game shouldn't have to take a long time to get good, but it doesn't make his decision to only play 5 hours any more valid. If it was taking him so long to get through the game then he should have A) Waited to review it until after he finished it and review a different game this week instead, like he did with Mass Effect 2, or B) Mark the review as a "First Impressions" like he did with The Witcher.