About Relationship Sanctity....

[JoesshittyOs]

I have been in a situation like that, though the guy she was dating was a complete asshat (who ended up cheating on her).

My advice? If you really expect a healthy relationship with that kind of person, you're yanking you're own chain. Someone who would willingly cheat on their own partner like that more often than not is a horrible person.

But I don't view relationships and sexual activities as mutually exclusive, so I didn't lose an ounce of sleep over it. I can't bring myself to care about something like that. It's one of the few heartless things I'll admit to, but in all honesty I have no sympathy for someone who would cheat on their partner, so it's basically just a win/win for me.

 

[senordesol]

If she's up for it and you're up for it, why the fuck not? It's not my relationship I would be destroying so why would I care in the slightest?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Would you be ok with your girlfriend hooking up with some guy you didn't know?

Whatever your answer, that is your answer.

As a general point, people follow that rule when it's convenient for them to. Don't argue me on that, it won't do you any good.

In any case, no, I wouldn't be okay with my girlfriend hooking up with some guy but I would be okay with some guy hooking up with my girlfriend. Yes, you read that right. He's allowed to try for her favour and, if he succeeds, claim his prize, it's not his job to maintain my relationship. It is hers though, she shouldn't sleep with him and should respect the relationship. I wouldn't resent him for it, he was simply doing what people do, she would have to deal with the consequences of taking a dump on our relationship though.

Of course it goes without saying that you can swap the pronouns as you please. Gender and sexuality play no role in this rule I hold.

I look at it this way: A guy preys upon the weaknesses of a woman for his pleasure and to her detriment. That doesn't sound particularly moral or even neutral to me. Sounds like something an asshole would do (or maybe a dick, if Team America where to weigh in on the matter).

Of course it is her responsibility to maintain her own relationship so -yes- she is the *most* culpable, but that doesn't leave the interloper blameless. I'd argue that the man who would do such a thing clearly does not respect any party involved.

And so when the question is asked 'is it right or ok to do this?', my answer is: so long as you think it's ok to treat other people as your play things and don't mind the same. So, I won't bother arguing that most people don't abide the Golder Rule unless it's convenient because -yes- that is correct. That doesn't mean that ignoring it is right.

 

[Sarah Frazier]

I don't know about 'kids these days' but I would never sleep with someone who's in a relationship, stable or not. Why? Because I have no idea of they really agreed to being exclusive or open. How do you even bring that question up to the other guy? Not only that, but if they're willing to sleep with me, how could I be sure that they're not sleeping with other people as well? Too many doubts, so I'd avoid the mess all together.

That doesn't mean I won't be friends and moral support for the person. And just because they're in a relationship doesn't mean I'll completely stop making dirty jokes and comments because EVERYONE gets it from me, but it won't go anything past crude humor. Then again, I to have issues with touching/being touched...

 

[Yopaz]

I got to say that if I want to enter a relationship I wouldn't want to enter one where the foundation of it was that my partner wasn't honest. It's like telling the Hamburglar to guard your burgers for you while you're out.

Also I wouldn't want to screw up a relationship when I know that my relationship wouldn't live for long anyway... seems like a bad reason to hurt someone's feelings...

 

[Agayek]

It is something for you to consider if you're not being selfish and something of a douche. If someone is going to backstab a friend of theirs that I don't know then I'd be a douche to just stand around and say "Oh well doesn't concern me" when my participation is requried.

And considering it does what, exactly? It's not like turning them down is going to suddenly make them realize what they're doing is wrong. They'd just look to get the itch scratched somewhere else.

You would have a valid point if this scenario was about pursuing someone already in a relationship, but the OP has presented the exact reverse. Her relationships are her business, if she wants to cheat, on her head be it.

Though again, the type of person who would cheat on their partners are not generally the type of people I would enjoy spending time with. Personally, I'd GTFO. That doesn't mean actually doing it is a terrible thing.

 

[Thyunda]

if you know that your actions are going to hurt someone, propagate deceit and dishonesty, and probably most important indulge what is a clearly an uncontrolled mind and its desires, then you don't fucking do it. Stop trying to decide what you can and can't get away with and try and do what's right.

It's not about what you can get away with, it's quite possibly more fun if you do get caught, it's about what you want to do. Don't you agree? Life is about wanting to do something and then doing it, if you want to put compassion for someone you've never met then you do that; if you want to have sex with some hot girl then you do that. Or is it all about doing what's right over what you actually want?

You don't fuck someone if they have made a promise to someone else that they won't.

Tell me, what would happen if you were to fuck someone that had made such a promise?

Then, as I stated before, you would be a coward and undeserving of the title 'man'. You want the benefits, and you're not prepared to work for them, so you indulge in an activity that does not befit anybody who dare call himself a man. It's pathetic, and cowardly, and there is no reason for it.

If you're so much better than her boyfriend, then why is she still with him? Why are YOU the one-off? Which one of you is actually being played? Sure, she's being dishonest and betraying him, but you're nothing but the means to an end. You're not a person, you're a dildo with a body attached.
But if you're okay with that, and okay with being a slave to your base desires, then you go right ahead. Just don't be upset when a real man takes offence and damages something vital.

 

[Kyrinn]

Have some honour man! How are you even considering this?

First off nothing good will come of this. The "but it's her problem not mine" attitude is selfish and douchey. No one likes a douche.

She's already stated that she won't break up with her boyfriend, meaning you are nothing more to her than a sex toy. If you have sex with her all you are doing is reinforcing that fact. You would be acknowledging that you are not really a man, but more some boy that's fun to play with. "BUT YOU HAD SEX MAN YEAH! DO WHAT YOU WANT FUCK YEA SEX! YOUR DESIRES ARE ALL THAT MATTER!". Do you really want to be one of those people?

 

[Maze1125]

So, for sake of discussion, if you were single; would you?

If I were single, and I loved someone who was in a relationship with a third party I didn't know, I would have no moral qualms about pursuing them.

I find the Golden Rule is a fine reply in a number of situations. If you think it's fine to hook up with whatever hoves into view, spoken for or otherwise, then you should be just as fine if a person you're in a relationship with does the same.

I think it sort of weakens your argument if your answer is 'So long as it's no one I know or care about, I'm cool with it.'

You're twisting both what I said and the original question.
The question is "If you're single, and want someone in a relationship, is it okay to try and get them?" and I say "Yes".
That implies nothing about whether or not it's okay for someone in a relationship to go after whoever they like.

A relationship is, in essence, an agreement between two people. A mostly unspoken agreement, but an agreement nevertheless. And that's what it comes down to, the agreement is between those two people, not anyone else. If one of those two people break the agreement, then they have done something wrong, but if someone from outside tries to break the agreement, they haven't done anything wrong, because they were never part of the agreement in the first place.

Put simply:
If you're single, go after whoever you want.
If you're in a relationship, then going after someone else is cheating (unless you're in an "open relationship" or the like).

For me, it's about mutual respect. If someone has made the decision to make someone their significant other, regardless of what I feel about them or they me (and this is not hypothetical), I abide by that choice.

Yet you don't respect them enough to let them decide for themselves?
Maybe they want a reason to escape from that significant other, maybe they don't even realise it, but you could be the chance they need. Yet out of a sense of "morality" you refuse to even let them have the choice?

That's what I'm saying, they're the ones in the relationship, so it should be their choice. If they don't want you, they're quite capable of turning you down.

So it's fine that you trust your wife just as I trust mine. The trust issue is a different matter entirely. It's a respect issue. Beyond that a relationship forged on the foundation of betrayal is just something I would hope very few people would want to be a part of.

I agree, but that's an entirely different matter.

 

[Shadows Risen]

I think it's a bit of a dick-move IF you KNOW s/he has a significant other and then you deliberately try and sleep with them knowing that, I'd hope you get knocked back but I've too little faith in humanity to actually believe that. You'd also be ruining someone's relationship. Yeah, might not be the best relationship, especially if you're cheating but looking through the replies in this thread and seeing some people basically saying "I don't know them, so I don't give a shit even though I'm fucking their life up" just makes me want to head-desk. Repeatedly. Actions have consequences, and I'm pretty sure you'd care if their partner showed up and removed a few vital organs.

If you don't know, then you're pretty much blameless as you thought they were single.

 

[Emperor Nat]

I would never knowingly enter a relationship wherein the other person has a partner. Partially because I have no intention of being assaulted by a jealous boyfriend, but mostly because I think that frankly if you do you're a dickhead.

If they break up with their current partner for you, then that's fine. They made a choice and that's their decision. If you knowingly take actions that will ruin someone's relationship, you are a dickhead.

This goes for them as well. If they cheat, they are a dickhead (replace with female equivalent if necissary). If they leave their partner, that's fine.

If a friend of mine did it, I would have to have a think about whether I would continue being friends with them. Because they're apparently a dickhead now and I hadn't noticed.

Is this understood, OP?

Good boy. Now either ask her to choose or back off.

 

[Blow_Pop]

it really depends on the situation. If they are in a more open kind of relationship where they allow each other to do that without repercussions then it should be fine. Or if they are in a poly relationship where it is allowed then by all means go for it. If you are in a monogamous relationship then absolutely not. And personally I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone in a monogamous relationship willing to cheat on their significant other. Hell I have permission from one of my friends wives to sleep with him and I still haven't done it. I've had permission since last september. Though my reasoning is more I just don't have much of an interest in sleeping with him. I like our friendship as it is and don't want to change it.

 

[peruvianskys]

Yet you don't respect them enough to let them decide for themselves?
Maybe they want a reason to escape from that significant other, maybe they don't even realise it, but you could be the chance they need. Yet out of a sense of "morality" you refuse to even let them have the choice?

Oh that is such a cop-out. It is not respecting someone else to aid them in making an immoral choice. If my friend asked me to buy heroin for him, is it "not respecting him" to say no? The highest expression of respect for someone is a concern for their well-being. Allowing someone to make poor decisions, especially if YOU are aiding that poor decision and benefiting from it, cannot be twisted into anything except selfishness on your part.

 

[senordesol]

If I were single, and I loved someone who was in a relationship with a third party I didn't know, I would have no moral qualms about pursuing them.

Why not?

You're twisting both what I said and the original question.
The question is "If you're single, and want someone in a relationship, is it okay to try and get them?" and I say "Yes".
That implies nothing about whether or not it's okay for someone in a relationship to go after whoever they like.

So one person is doing evil and the other isn't? That don't pass the smell test.

A relationship is, in essence, an agreement between two people. A mostly unspoken agreement, but an agreement nevertheless. And that's what it comes down to, the agreement is between those two people, not anyone else. If one of those two people break the agreement, then they have done something wrong, but if someone from outside tries to break the agreement, they haven't done anything wrong, because they were never part of the agreement in the first place.

Put simply:
If you're single, go after whoever you want.
If you're in a relationship, then going after someone else is cheating (unless you're in an "open relationship" or the like).

Ok, so you see no moral dilemma in assisting someone in breaking a promise; the result of which is likely to cause pain? I am not absolving the party in the relationship of responsibility, I have said before that they are, indeed, the *most* culpable. But knowingly doing your part to undermine a relationship for your own personal gain strikes you as a quite upstanding thing to do?

Yet you don't respect them enough to let them decide for themselves?
Maybe they want a reason to escape from that significant other, maybe they don't even realise it, but you could be the chance they need. Yet out of a sense of "morality" you refuse to even let them have the choice?

That's what I'm saying, they're the ones in the relationship, so it should be their choice. If they don't want you, they're quite capable of turning you down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. She doesn't *get* the choice to treat me as a toy, I have too much respect for myself. It takes two to tango. If she chooses to betray her partner, that is her choice but it does not mean I have to be party to it. It is not my duty to sort out her relationship troubles by means of undermining them.

How that differs from saying 'if she wants to screw up her relationship by sleeping with me, that's not my problem' is that I am not taking an active role in its undermining.

If I knowingly and willingly facilitate immoral action resulting in pain and heartache (whether I know the person or not is irrelevant), I bear at least some portion of the responsibility. I'm not saying that those who do so are buddies with Hitler, I'm saying it is not the right and noble thing to do.

All stray, all can be drawn down the path of temptation, all take actions they one day regret. While I hold no illusions that I can wholly protect anyone from that, I -at least- can act with some decency and not be a facilitator of such.

 

[Digitaldreamer7]

"BUT YOU HAD SEX MAN YEAH! DO WHAT YOU WANT FUCK YEA SEX! YOUR DESIRES ARE ALL THAT MATTER!". Do you really want to be one of those people?

As a matter of fact, I liked being a sex toy. It was fun. I learned a lot about my own sexuality and a lot about the opposite sex. It's something adults can do, not children. Adults can have consensual sex for pleasure alone. It's called a fuck buddy and during times in your life where you can't have a relationship for one reason or another. It's great. Just saying.

Now on to the OP's question.

It's not my responsibility to police someone else. She's responsible for her own actions. If she want's to cheat, it's her business. If it's with me for a great night of sex. Plus to me. As long as I make my intentions clear to her and she accepts (consents) I have no moral dilemma. I asked, she said yes, all signs point to go.

If it happened to me, i'd be upset, but, at least now I know what she really wants. It's not as emo or crazy as it sounds. Once you get out there and realize that people are bastard coated bastards with selfish bastard filling for the most part it's not such a big deal.