An honest question.

[funksobeefy]

The idea of a guy being "just friends" is simply unacceptable. Being just friends versus having a great girl for the rest of your life is devastatingly different. There are very few good girls out there, and having a chance at one is probably the only reason some guys don't put a bullet in their brain...

There is no "love" in friendship...some people want commitment.

Very smart. Every girl needs to read this before they starting hanging out with boys and expecting them to just be friends.

Saying lets just be friends is a shot to the heart. If we just wanted to just be friends we wouldnt have brought up the fact that we want something more

 

[T3h Merc]

Ok, for you guys that are here, I have an honest question for you.

I've had a few guy friends that I've known for a while but when they bring the idea of dating me and I tell them no and that I don't see them that way, they slowly start to disconnect themselves and stop talking to me altogether.

So I'd like to know:
Why can't some guys handle/accept that boundary line?

I didn't try to kick them out of my life. I wasn't mean. I just simply said "I don't want to date you but I still want to be friends." As simple as that. And yet, they can't handle the idea.
I don't understand and I know I'm not the only girl this has happened to. Even if you're good friends, the moment you reject their idea of dating you, they suddenly decide not to be friends anymore.

They were capable of just "being a friend" before they asked. I don't get why they can't after. A lot of girls are ok with it. Why can't guys see it the same way?
Like I said, it's an honest question. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny ***** and I apologize if I do.

Well I can answer this one. I am one of those guys. We have been biding our time and admiring you for quite awhile, we see a lot in common with you, we click on a personal level. We start to love you. Then it comes to what you directly see. It sucks for us. We sit with heartache wondering "Why?" we might try to stay friends but from that point on the awkwardness is palpable.

That said I understand where you are coming from, I'm sure it's uncomfortable and you do not find the person attractive but we just don't get it. So far I've never walked out well from one of these occasions so I'm going to stop giving advice. What we want to hear is something along the lines of:

"Listen very closely. I don't like you. I don't find you attractive. I want to be friends but if you can't handle that without me being with you then tough shit."

 

[keybird]

The idea of a guy being "just friends" is simply unacceptable. Being just friends versus having a great girl for the rest of your life is devastatingly different. There are very few good girls out there, and having a chance at one is probably the only reason some guys don't put a bullet in their brain...

There is no "love" in friendship...some people want commitment.

Very deep, my friend, very wise.

Essentially this.

However, not all men distant themselves afterwards. I asked out one of my friends Danielle to our homecoming dance. She said yes, but then made it clear that she just wanted to be friends. The only reason that we did was because she kept it going. She started up a conversation when I felt to akward and embarrased. But that was a long time ago, I have lost alot of weight since then and am happy to say I have a six-pack, my face no longer has acne, and i've noticed us talking alot more now.

 

[Slayer_2]

So I'd like to know:
Why can't some guys handle/accept that boundary line?

Unfortunately, it's not just guys. I had a girl that was interested in me, when I did not return her affection, she stalked me for a while, then started totally ignoring me. Previously, we had been good friends, but after she asked me out, and I turned her down (as kindly as possible), our relationship went downhill fast.

You hear stuff about the "friend ladder" and such, but honestly, I have a few female friends I wouldn't be interested in dating/screwing, no matter what most people may tell you.

Better question: "Why can't some people handle/accept the boundary line?"

My guess is embarrassment. Male or female, no one likes being turned down, so maybe the person in question can't bring himself to hang out with you the way he did before he asked you out... life really would be better with quick saves/loads

 

[Burningsok]

Yeah i would have to agree with embarrassment. They have all these feelings for you and then to be turned down is heartbreaking. All that time and energy to muster up the courage to ask and then for it to be shot down really sucks. It happens with both genders. And i'm going to agree with e2density's post That a life long relationship is much different then a normal friendship. It happens to the best of us unfortunately But hey at least you know people are interested in you, maybe someday a guy will ask that huge question and you will find him to be the person you have always dreamed of being with.

 

[happyvampyre]

This exact same thing has happened to me before on a few occassions. From what I could tell, the other people have it right: they get embaressed or they simply can't take not being with you. Plus, if they have the foresight to realize you may get a boyfriend soon that isn't them, that makes it even worse.

However, I totally disagree with those that say it's impossible for guys and girls to be friends after one has liked the other. I'm still (close) friends with a guy that I liked desperatly for close to a year and there is no awkwardness between us. We can actually joke about how I felt. I'm still good friends with two of my ex-boyfriends. And my best friend has liked me twice, but we are the closest anyone can possibly get. There is no awkwardness at all. I even sleep over at his house. However, it may just be our personalities that make this possible; others may not be able to let go as easily.

EDIT: I know you asked for guys' opinions, but I figured my experiences may help you out...

 

[Pariah87]

Mostly, and I say mostly not exclusively, when a guy become friends with a girl he is going to start liking her as more than a friend. Again for the most part, guys don't need friends for emotional support or stability, or too sit around and watch a movie with. They want friends whom they can drink with/compete with/be manly with. Seriously, even in a group of the most un-jocklike male friends you will see a clear pack structure and shared interests/competition will take place, male instinct.

With girls we get something else, something which makes us care for them on a deeper level. Girls, again I generalise, don't feel this so less girls will end up wanting to go out with their male friends.

When turned down, it feels like any other rejection, and again generally when a guy is rejected he will move on and go in search of a different mate. If a guy can quite happily be friends with a girl, it either means he isn't attracted to them, some other mental barrier is in place so the girl is classed as "out of bounds" or the girl somehow fits into what guys want out of a friend.

I have a very close friend who when I met her fell into the "out of bounds" catagory because she was the girlfriend of an old friend at the time. She has never shifted into "potential mate" catagory because by the time they broke up I'd began to see her as like a sister and it is a great friendship because of it. Almost every other guy however who she is friends with, has wanted to get with her at some point though.

The worst thing is when a girl says she likes you, you get drawn in THEN pulls the "I'm not ready for a relationship can we just be friends?" or "you're a really great guy" card. Feelings change, understandable, but then the guy is expected to remain as a friend knowing he isn't good enough whilst she then proceeds to go out with a dick? *cough* personal rant about long ago events over.

 

[Wadders]

Maybe they were only interested in you because they thought they wanted to date you, and now that they realize there is now hope, they see no point in talking to you, as their dreams will never be fulfilled.

Honestly "lets be friends" or "I love you as a friend" are such a kick in the balls, some guys just want to distance themselves from that hurt, and start anew.

It's not your fault at all, so dont feel bad about it. If they want to distance themselves, then let them. Its probably best for both parties.

This is speaking from my limited experience.

 

[Avatar Roku]

Or they feel embarrassed and fear you won't trust them anymore, so the friendship would be awkward. Maybe they think you'll never let it go and you'll be suspicious of things they do out of honest friendship. Better to end it then.

This part sums it up for me quite well. I was in that situation once, and I was just so paranoid that she'd see everything after through the "he wants to fuck me" filter. Luckily, I got over it and we still are genuine friends, but I can see how other guys would fall into that trap.

 

[Weaver]

It's not embarrassment - it's not to fucking torture yourself.

If I ask a girl out, it's not just some vapid passing fancy, it's because I feel VERY strongly and passionately about her. If she says no... then what? My feeling don't magically fucking disappear, they're still around and I know there's no possible chance of my hopes and dreams of a future with that person coming to fruition. That just leads to a miserable spiral of depression where you sit there every day laughing and spending time with them, all the while knowing you simply can't have the life you want with that person.

It's fucking torture, and it's best to be avoided.

 

[BlindMessiah94]

In all honesty it's been the reverse for me.
I ask a girl who is a friend out, she rejects me and then drops off the face of the earth. Is always busy when I try to hang out and still be friends.
I think over the years I stopped trying to be friends with them after a situation like this too, simply because I began to expect that it wouldn't work.
If one has feelings for the other it just makes it too weird to be around them.

Maybe the better question to ask is if so many of your guy friends have asked you out, you are doing something to lead them on? Make them feel like they have a romantic shot with you? Why not just be clear from the get go with them that you are only ever interested in being friends and nothing more? Then you can avoid this situation in the future.

 

[Shoggoth2588]

Once a guy is denied the [finger-quotes]serious relationship[/finger-quotes] they feel rejected, embarrassed, stupid and, an entire plethora of other negative emotions so, they take the flight option since there is nothing to fight. They distance themselves from the object of their desire to lick their wounds until they are comfortable with just hanging out again. Even when they feel welcomed back into the friendship mode, most take that as an invitation to begin contemplating a new strategy to get into that sweet, sweet "steady relationship".

Or at least that's what it's like for me ... Maybe I misspoke about some detail or another. Every guy is different though so I'm sure it depends on the guy.

 

[Sleekgiant]

I'm gonna say they're ashamed of themselves. You just sucker punched their self-esteem with the rejection. It could also be they would feel awkward towards you now, even though you never entered into a relationship with them

 

[mechanixis]

Once you realize that your affection for someone is asymmetrical, it all seems like a doomed exercise in disappointment and loneliness.

They want to be with you and you don't want to be with them. It's not unlike the period after breaking up with someone.

 

[Ungenericteen]

I'm gonna say they're ashamed of themselves. You just sucker punched their self-esteem with the rejection. It could also be they would feel awkward towards you now, even though you never entered into a relationship with them

Yeah basicly what he said, that will happen I tried to ask out one of my friends that was a girl she said yes but when we broke up it was akward. Same if you get rejected

 

[quiet_samurai]

Ok, for you guys that are here, I have an honest question for you.

1. All they were interested in the first place was dating you.
2. They are too embarassed to be around you any longer.
3. They like you so much that seeing you is painful.
4. They think you secretly resent them for it.

I personally don't date or sleep with my friends, because doing so completely alters the relationship and in a sense ruins it. And if it doesn't work out going back to friends is near impossible.

 

[GreyWolf257]

I did this before one time. I asked a girl who was my friend if she wanted to be my girlfriend, and she said no. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't stand to be in her presence. I felt like a total dick for thinking things could be more than they were. Maybe those guys feel the same way, too.

 

[thenoblitt]

I dont quite know, because im not like this its usually the "girl friend" who grows apart from me

 

[awsome117]

Weird, I asked my best "girl" friend out, and we are dating. Haven't been this happy in a long time.

However, things would certainly been weird if she said no. I, personally, would have been crushed and too embarrassed to even to near them ever again.

But I just glad she said yes