Anti-trolling, Fantasy Style
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*Scared by the raging battle, Galt tries to slash his way out of the collapsing corpse fort. He unwittingly reanimates the pile with his healin' shank and the zombified horde carries him away. With the skills of a retarded liche, Galt steers his undead crowd towards the rear of the battle, trying to get his bearings. *
Accustomed to fighting alone and outnumbered, mshcherbatskaya held her ground. She reached into her bag, digging through bottles of potions. There was the one she was looking for! She pulled out a large bottle of Sub-Clauses and Parenthetical Phrases and poured several sentences' worth over the ground, where it spread in an ever-widening and deepening pool, forming an improvised moat between her and the troll. She'd always been good at turning a few sentences into extended paragraphs. Maybe this would do the trick.
Undeterred, the troll waded through it, only slightly hampered by the sticky, thickening fluid. "WTF U THINK YOUR SO SMART BITHC WHUTEVR!! TL;DR LOL!!!1"
She was doomed.
Undeterred, the troll waded through it, only slightly hampered by the sticky, thickening fluid. "WTF U THINK YOUR SO SMART BITHC WHUTEVR!! TL;DR LOL!!!1"
She was doomed.
Mshcherbatskaya looked around - there was no hope. Her elixir bottle of Rhetorical Whoop-ass was almost empty. Even if she were to use her last Naomi Novik novel to summon a Dragon of Literary Pastiche, she doubted its fiery breath and talon-like claws would make so much as a mark on the troll +50 Chainmail of Illiteracy.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. There was no other way. She raised her JournalFen account high and did the unthinkable. "My hed," she intoned, "iz pastede on yay!"
From every possible crevice, hole, and shadow they came, fangirls by the hundreds, by the thousands, pointing and laughing, eyes a-glitter with mockery, jaws dripping white fluid from the Teh Gay on which they fed. Mshcherbatskaya had summoned the hordes of FanFiction.net.
"Back-off, troll!" yelled mshcherbatskaya. "Back off, or I swear by the Last Free Man that I will fill your message box with Master Chief/Tidus slash!" She then added for good measure, "Slash means buttsecks, troll! That's right, buttsecks! WTF JRPG BUTTSECKS IN UR XBOX LOL!!!"
The troll froze, paralyzed with fear and loathing. Now was the time to press the attack, but she couldn't do it on her own. Controlling the fangirl horde took every last ounce of her concentration.
"Darth, bobmaster, Swift - somebody get the troll! I can't hold these fangirls in check for long, and if they get loose I can't be responsible for their fiction!"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. There was no other way. She raised her JournalFen account high and did the unthinkable. "My hed," she intoned, "iz pastede on yay!"
From every possible crevice, hole, and shadow they came, fangirls by the hundreds, by the thousands, pointing and laughing, eyes a-glitter with mockery, jaws dripping white fluid from the Teh Gay on which they fed. Mshcherbatskaya had summoned the hordes of FanFiction.net.
"Back-off, troll!" yelled mshcherbatskaya. "Back off, or I swear by the Last Free Man that I will fill your message box with Master Chief/Tidus slash!" She then added for good measure, "Slash means buttsecks, troll! That's right, buttsecks! WTF JRPG BUTTSECKS IN UR XBOX LOL!!!"
The troll froze, paralyzed with fear and loathing. Now was the time to press the attack, but she couldn't do it on her own. Controlling the fangirl horde took every last ounce of her concentration.
"Darth, bobmaster, Swift - somebody get the troll! I can't hold these fangirls in check for long, and if they get loose I can't be responsible for their fiction!"
Mshcherbatskaya's lip curled with scorn as she stared down the troll. "Do you wanna play that game with me, troll? With ME!? You should know better than start a pic fight with a fangirl adept. I have walked the darkest Artist Alleys of YaoiCon. I have read doujinshi that shrivel your eyes in their sockets! There is no fandom, no perversion of Teh Gay that I cannot unleash upon you!"
She paused for effect, then growled low and menacing.
"I have a deviantArt account and I'm not afraid to use it."
Smelling fear, the fangirl horde swarmed over the troll. "Angst!" they shrieked. "Hurt/comfort! Shmoop! Mpreg!"
Mshcherbatskaya turned away. It was too horrible to watch.
"Darth," she cried, "burn it, for the love of all that is holy, BURN IT!"
She paused for effect, then growled low and menacing.
"I have a deviantArt account and I'm not afraid to use it."
Smelling fear, the fangirl horde swarmed over the troll. "Angst!" they shrieked. "Hurt/comfort! Shmoop! Mpreg!"
Mshcherbatskaya turned away. It was too horrible to watch.
"Darth," she cried, "burn it, for the love of all that is holy, BURN IT!"
"Swift! SWIIIIIFFFT!" But it was too late. Mshcherbatskaya could only hope that the swarming fangirls were too fixated on troll to notice him.
The frenzied fangirls began to slash the troll's twitching remains. Already they were beginning to circle one another, breaking into factions. "Left Leg/Right Leg is the only logical pairing now," hissed one. "No!" howled another, "Upper Body/Lower Body is CANONNNN!" The two fangirls leapt at one anothers' throat, and the rest join in a tangled snarling mass."
"Oh God, Darth, they are starting a 'ship war! I can't control them any longer! If you are going to call down that Orbital Bombardment, do it now before they start sockpuppeting and everything goes to hell!"
"Oh God, Darth, they are starting a 'ship war! I can't control them any longer! If you are going to call down that Orbital Bombardment, do it now before they start sockpuppeting and everything goes to hell!"