Are You a Shy Guy? (Girl Problems Thread)

[idon'tknowaboutthat]

She's a good looking person you don't know, she's probably vapid and obnoxious and if she's not she's probably in a relationship.

Holy shit, everyone should get this laminated and put up on their wall. So perfectly true. Words to live by.

Edit-Actually, just the whole post. Man, there are so many of you people out there that actually know how this stuff works... it's amazing.

 

[Axolotl]

I am incredibly shy when it comes to girls. 17 years old, never even kissed one. Madly in love with a girl for over a year now; still haven't worked up balls to ask her out yet, know rejection to be inevitability anyway. I understand the message about being confident but I'm afraid that I have very little to be confident about; and I don't want to fake it; I'm am not willing to be dishonest with myself. I doubt that there is anything destined for me other than a lonely death. Have grappled with idea of suicide as solution multiple times, but perhaps thought of never seeing my love again scares me more than never being with her.

Why don't you just get something to be confident about? I mean you're 17 it really shouldn't be hard to make yourself fitter, smarter, more moral, cooler, more attractive and such. I mean obviously it takes some effort but you're at an age which is pretty much ideal for it and it's certainly a better option than suicide.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

One of my very closest friends, someone I see whenever we're in the same town, who I'll continue to see long into the future. He's straight, & he's been aware that I've had feelings for him for years. It seriously doesn't affect how we interact; He finds it funny, & when I stay around his, we still sleep in the same bed, share sleeping bags when we go elsewhere ETC.

I remember him, when drunk, getting quite genuinely upset & apologising that he couldn't reciprocate my feelings. I want to make clear, he was saying this unsolicited; I don't try to 'convert' him. He brings up my sexuality more than I ever do.

Once, he did border on experimenting, and we never talked about it afterwards. I repeat, bordered on experimenting. This was quite a while ago. He's had another relationship since.

Would it be unfair of me to ask him, in the most honest & open way possible, whether he would like to give it a try? I seriously don't want to be unfair to him or our friendship. I'd do it lightheartedly, make it clear rejection is what I expect.

Well, if he?s single (or otherwise in an open relationship), I guess you could casually ask him if he wanted to sexually experiment, stressing that it should be up to him and he shouldn?t feel like he has to just because you have feelings for him. You could say something like, ?So, I was thinking, do you want to try mutual masturbation sometime?? And then you could build it up from there. If you two are as close as you say you are, then he probably won't be too freaked out or anything like that.

But if it gets too awkward for you, him, or both of you, then you should stop, because it?s not worth ruining a friendship over. You?ll have to remember that if he?s straight, there isn?t much hope that he?ll suddenly turn round to you, claim that he?s bisexual now, and go out with you.

 

[HorrendusOne]

Step one: Identify all the social hoops and rules of the "dating" game.

Step two: Decide you'd rather wait till you meet another human being who doesn't want to play these silly games but would rather have a healthy relationship

Step three: ...idk step 3 still yet, since I haven't found anyone with a high enough IQ to be rid of such silly "Rules" and just do what they want.


I refuse to spend my life with someone who can't think for them-self.... So i plan to be stay lonely for a while.. . .longer (due to the area I have lived in recently)

 

[Darken12]

I likes the sound of that, it's the kind of thing I was mentally planning. If the scenario arises, I don't want to let it pass me by.

I usually don't feel comfortable bringing up relationships/ sexuality, but I could find a way to test the waters.

Cool!

Personally, I find that "a former boyfriend" is a lot less uncomfortable for shy people than casually dropping the "[insert male celebrity here] is pretty hot" line, which a lot of other guys swear by. And much less uncomfortable than actually flirting, too. But I'm sure you'll find the line that best suits you if you put your mind into it.

Would it be unfair of me to ask him, in the most honest & open way possible, whether he would like to give it a try? I seriously don't want to be unfair to him or our friendship. I'd do it lightheartedly, make it clear rejection is what I expect.

Well, I'd suggest going for the lighthearted joking method of "dude, you're such a tease! Someone, give this man the Blueballing Award of the Year! [laugh together] Come on, dude, seriously, do you really want to experiment with a guy or do you get your thrills from blueballing innocent gay guys?" Obviously, the last bit, despite being in a more serious tone, still has to be said in a casual and lighthearted way, so that he knows you don't bear him any ill will and you just want to know if he's ever going to "go for it" so to speak.

I think being super casual about it, instead of getting all serious and heavy on him (and putting him on the spot) is the best way to go. Just let him know that what he's being a total cocktease and that you really want to know if you have a shot at fun sexytimes.

EDIT: I'll echo Relish in Chaos here and add "if he's single". If you think "guy cheats on girl with another girl" drama is bad, then you haven't seen the "straight guy cheats on girlfriend with a dude" levels of drama.

 

[The Comfy Chair]

Some of the advice in the thread is a bit weird, but overall it just seems like everyone is treating everyone of the opposite gender as someone totally different to themselves! Although, if you're shy, have interests outside of 'I watch TV, sports, and like to drink beer', you're probably going to run into the issue that a lot of people you meet in 'the real world' aren't like you anyway!

I suppose i'm in a slightly different situation though to many here. I have been in a relationship that lasted 6 years until she couldn't cope with the outside world any more (bipolar disorder and 2 years of unemployment related stress after uni can do that i guess) and decided living in a bubble, ignoring the rest, was a good idea. Being a 'perfect boyfriend' for 6 years (no arguments, caring, y'know, all those things people claim they always want in a guy) and still not having it work out kind of puts a dampener on any real thoughts of 'happy ever after'. There isn't such a thing, even if the relationship is the kind of one that most people would kill for, it can still go wrong through no fault of your own.

The reason i brought that up is you can't let yourself get absorbed into 'i have to be with someone to mean anything' because it's not true. No matter what happens, no matter how you act, things can and will go wrong with relationships. That is the only thing that can definitely be said. Therefore, do not let relationships be your goal in life, you'll only be crushed when they don't. Find something you love to do, find something that gives you a reason to get up in the morning. It could be writing, drawing, charity, coding, pro gamer! You'll be far happier with yourself having that than spending your life searching endlessly for the 'one' on trains.

You never know, focusing on your own interests may eventually lead you to finding someone truly worth being with as opposed to someone vaguely pretty but unlikely to have anything really in common

 

[norashepard]

Some of the advice in the thread is a bit weird, but overall it just seems like everyone is treating everyone of the opposite gender as someone totally different to themselves! Although, if you're shy, have interests outside of 'I watch TV, sports, and like to drink beer', you're probably going to run into the issue that a lot of people you meet in 'the real world' aren't like you anyway!

You never know, focusing on your own interests may eventually lead you to finding someone truly worth being with as opposed to someone vaguely pretty but unlikely to have anything really in common

Cut out the middle just to keep this shorter, BUT YES, I agree with you completely.

I find that when I'm actively searching for a girl to be close to or whatever, it never happens and I just get depressed and unhappy and it's never fun. So I go back to the things I do love, either playing Mass Effect again, or working on various short stories or interactive fiction projects, and you know what happens? I'll meet someone randomly and we'll get to talking about stuff, and I'll mention those things I love a lot, and suddenly instead of just a random stranger to this girl, I'm an interesting person who knows how to enjoy the world. Certainly a much better place to be than stranger.

And even if that doesn't work out, romantically, you've just found someone with similar interests, and that's a sure way to meet even more people.

So yes, Comfy Chair said it well already, I just thought I'd detail it some more with personal experience.

 

[Seydaman]

Hmm, the problems of social fear...well, there's a lot of things like speaking courses, social counseling, and so on to help people conquer such personal issues. Personally, I'm still very shy (getting better I think).

 

[generals3]

Are you insanely attractive? Because that's pretty much how women distinguish between "cute awkward guy I met on a train that was kind of like the beginning of a rom-com" and "Traincreep McMurderface".

Win. That just made me lol.

 

[Cheesepower5]

*blah, blah, blah, dating stuff, blah, blah, blah*

I came in here to say that I am a bemasked Mario enemy that originated in the American Super Mario Bros. 2.

 

[Frokane]

I picked that metaphor for a reason my dear boy

 

[NightmareExpress]

*blah, blah, blah, dating stuff, blah, blah, blah*

I came in here to say that I am a bemasked Mario enemy that originated in the American Super Mario Bros. 2.

Actually, you are a masked foe that originates from a different Japanese game that would later be re-skinned to be the American Super Mario Bros. 2; the same fate of which Birdo and Ninji share. Your ignorance of DDP's existence shall not escape you, not even one month later!

Anyway...I'm probably not.
I generally know what kind of person enjoys my company and try to avoid extended contact with the others if possible.
More selective, if anything. The real problem is finding that one, you know? Certain relationships are nice, but it's rather frustrating when the other party can't really say much about all your favorite things. Guess that's what other friends are for. Plus, I can be a right bastard sometimes...probably let the "one" slip away a few years ago in retrospect.
Ah well, such is life. The lesson to be learned is that it's positively positive to be positive!

 

[moostar]

I actually have a different problem altogether.

It seems like most people in here who've failed thus far have these issues:
-They're older than they want to be at without dating succes
-They have trouble approaching girls, and then keeping things going

Correct me if I'm wrong, but to me this seems to say that getting a girl, any girl, is a good thing. That this is all about getting a girl for the possibility of sex.

Am I stupid or should that not be a side thing? A bonus of sorts.

Because, it might be silly, but to me personally I would think that a girl is the right person to start a relationship with if your personalities and interests match.

And there's my problem. I'm an underachiever school and work wise. (which has only recently started to bother me, too late to change much) This means I am in a class full of idiots who only seem to like partying, loud repetetive music, and very simple and obnoxious jokes. I know, I know, if you read things like this you will maybe think "You know you could have done something about that." Well I didn't know, not untill now. As stupid as it sounds I have never been at all ambitious, and never anticipated the consequences.

But going back to the issue I seem to be alone in. It's that I have never met a single girl I've been able to connect with. Not the one. I have never talked to a girl about something I like to talk about. They have all so far been obnoxious, irritating and not very intelligent.

That is with the one exception of my niece, who's a smart nerdy type.

Spoiler: Yeah.

How the FUCKING hell am I EVER going to find someone of the opposite gender, at least a little bit attractive, smart and with the same psychological disturbance as myself?!

God, do i feel for ya, trying to find that particular match that shares the same interest with ya, I mean, *sigh* its hard trying to find someone that Actually understands your personally, and that you know if they truly love you for your personality , instead of just how you look.

 

[Spinozaad]

Tip for guys: When opening up a conversation, start with a compliment. Don't compliment her looks (i.e. "Hey, you've got lovely eyes!"), but compliment her fashion. Tell her how wonderfully she's dancing. Stuff like that.

Tip for guys 2: Stand out from the crowd. Bring along some post-its and a pencil, write something nice on them, then stick it on her forehead or her arm/hand.

Tip for girls: Just say "hi!"

A general tip. If you're not entirely confident of your own confidence, honesty works. Like this:

"Hey! I feel kind of uncomfortable saying this, but your dancing is so hypnotic and wonderful, I just had to speak to you. I'm , what's yours?"

-ADDENDUM-

Also: you win some, you lose them. DON'T think of women/men as wonderfully special creatures straight from heaven. They, too, poop.

 

[Angie7F]

Tip for guys 2: Stand out from the crowd. Bring along some post-its and a pencil, write something nice on them, then stick it on her forehead or her arm/hand.

This is cute if your are good looking. A good idea and would cherish the post it forever.
But if a unattractive guy did this to me I would freak out.

You can say I am shallpw, but that is just how the world works.

 

[Spinozaad]

Tip for guys 2: Stand out from the crowd. Bring along some post-its and a pencil, write something nice on them, then stick it on her forehead or her arm/hand.

This is cute if your are good looking. A good idea and would cherish the post it forever.
But if a unattractive guy did this to me I would freak out.

You can say I am shallpw, but that is just how the world works.

Well, yeah. From experience, it also works if you're average/decent looking, as long as you're arrogant enough to pull it off.

Of course, there's something I call the "Scale of Standards". If you're a "6", you can make it with a "7" or maybe an "8" if you're a witty, charming bastard. You can easily get a "5" or lower. But lets be honest, nobody wants someone who's a lot uglier than he/she is. That works both ways. Hot girls and hot guys are out of your reach if you yourself aren't.

 

[Wadders]

I take the train to work about 3 times a week, and there isnt a single time where I dont see this one pretty girl every time as im coming back home, I dont want to freak her out so I dont make eye contact, she looks a little older than me (about 25, Im 22) and I have no idea on a way to approach her, and im not sure if shes noticed me or not... help?

That's your problem right there

Learn to hold eye contact. Smile at her. Don't be the first one to break eye contact.

Yeah...

Back to the actual topic: I'd be reluctant to suggest going up and talking to randoms at all, never mind girls. It does give off vibes of crazy. I know that if people approach me out of the blue with no context, I feel the urge to get the fuck outta there.

Having said that, I've a friend who is annoyingly good looking who picked up some girl who was a stranger to him on a train once. But as I said, he's the definition of pretty boy and uses this to his advantage

Anyways, I'm distinctly unsuited to offer any advice regarding this issue, but I'd say that speaking to someone who is at least aware of your existence prior to you approaching them would be a better bet, and slightly less scary for them? A friend of a friend or sibling, or acquaintances at work or in class perhaps.

Tip for guys 2: Stand out from the crowd. Bring along some post-its and a pencil, write something nice on them, then stick it on her forehead or her arm/hand.

This is cute if your are good looking. A good idea and would cherish the post it forever.
But if a unattractive guy did this to me I would freak out.

You can say I am shallpw, but that is just how the world works.

The odd thing is, I'm really not sure if I'm good looking or not. But I'm assuming that if I'm not sure, it means I'm not

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "fuck, I'm lookin' good today" but then I see a photograph the next day and wonder how I haven't been burned at the stake as some kind of devilish mutant abomination. I'm not a virgin so someone must have been willing to sleep with me without the help of booze, but that means very little these days.

 

[Wadders]

I take the train to work about 3 times a week, and there isnt a single time where I dont see this one pretty girl every time as im coming back home, I dont want to freak her out so I dont make eye contact, she looks a little older than me (about 25, Im 22) and I have no idea on a way to approach her, and im not sure if shes noticed me or not... help?

That's your problem right there

Learn to hold eye contact. Smile at her. Don't be the first one to break eye contact.

Yeah...

Is there a point to this?

Yes, there is.

I was using the picture of that young fellow with the unsettling stare/grin combo to imply, in a tongue-in-cheek manner, that your suggestion to smile at her and not break eye contact could possibly be deemed a little creepy and stare-ey, especially if your expression resembles that of the man in the picture, or if the girl in question does not smile back.