Are You a Shy Guy? (Girl Problems Thread)

[OmniscientOstrich]

Spoiler

Yeah, I'm definitely the shy type. Initiating conversation with strangers is like pulling teeth for me, I'm more or less fine with talking to people, but I need somebody else to get the ball rolling. When it comes to talking to unfamiliar girls, I kind of have this permanently running in the back of my mind:

Spoiler

It doesn't matter if I'm attracted to them or not, I just have this paranoia that they think I'm just trying to hit on them and that I'm just being an invasive nuisance. I mean from their perspective it's like 'I don't know you, why the hell are you talking to me?' Again, I'm okay (more or less, can still be pretty awkward) when someone else is at least starting things off I just hate having to approach random people...so I basically just don't. I know it's something I'll just have to suck up and get over eventually, but for the time being I can't see myself doing it whilst sober. This isn't about relationship issues for me so much as it is a confidence issue in general. I mean I already know the reason I'm not in a relationship (okay, there's a fucking laundry list of good reasons why no guy/girl/theoretical alien life-form would want to date me, but this is the main one) and that's because I make no effort whatsoever to initiate one which is in turn because I have no idea whether I actually want one or just like the idea of it. I'm sure I could fine somebody out there with low enough standards to be with me if I put in any modicum of effort towards that goal (not with ease mind you), but I just don't know if it's something that would actually make me happier or just cause me more stress. I've kind of forgotten where I was going with this, but at any rate I really need to work on dealing with people better.

 

[rosac]

I used to be shy, then I kind of had a moment where I realised, screw it. I threw my old personality aside, started making conversation with people, making friends and meeting girls. I'm still a virgin (In bed with 3 girls, got cockblocked by nature. I'm not rafting up the red river.) But I keep getting with girls, and I pull every now and again. One of my hints for pulling in clubs is DON'T ACTIVELY TRY AND PULL. or at least, don't make it obvious. It just makes you look incredibly desperate and will probably ruin your night if you don't pull. Instead, just go out, have a laugh with your mates, maybe make a few subtle moves, and if it happens, it happens.

For your situation, maybe just sit next to her or in front of her one day? Try to not blush too much and see what her reaction is.

P.s. This is just rough advice for a situation I've never ever found myself in. please have this bucket of salt.

 

[Pessimismus]

I know everyone keeps repeating this and will continue to repeat it, but I feel the need to mention this as well: confidence will do a lot, if not most of the work. I myself have tremendous self-esteem issues and confident has never been something that I am. I can get behind the whole thought-pattern of the vicious cycle of 'I have no confidence because girls don't like me because I have no confidence because...', because I've been there (and pretty much still am) myself.

There's a girl I've been in love with for three years now and she was the first person I've ever decided to try something with, simply because she made me feel better about myself (she virtually pulled me out of my depression) but despite several 'almost there' moments, we still can't get beyond the whole 'just friends' situation. Every time things were looking up, I managed to pretty much ruin it due to my excessive lack of self-esteem and extreme self-loathing. After a while she gave up trying to get me to like myself more and there's even recently been a period where we were constantly argueing, forcing us to go from 'best friends' to 'casual friends'.

Despite everything we are still friends and I'm slowly learning to be more confident which will hopefully eventually restore my friendship with her, although I very much doubt either one of us will try anything in terms of romance towards one another again (and naturally I doubt I'll be able to ever go for it with someone else as long as I harbour feelings for my friend). My point is, if you're not confident, you can make pretty much everything in life a whole lot harder for yourself.

To put things in perspective: I'm a 22 year old male who has never had any real romantic relationship with any woman and has yet to even kiss a girl (hugging is as close to sex as I've ever gotten). I've been told by several girls that I am actually fairly attractive but my low self-esteem pretty much revolts any girl I try to come close to.

 

[sumanoskae]

My problem with girls? I suspect all the girls that have been attracted to me thought of me in a romantic manner, a sentiment I did not share; I don't know why it seems to come so easily to so any people. If we're just talking NSA sex, I'm down, but I'm not sure that's the case, and I'm not gonna lie just to get laid.

OP: The bus thing? There's your answer right there, make eye contact, see how she reacts; the worst that could happen is she assumes you're some kind of serial rapist for some bizarre reason and never speaks to you, which assures you her standards of judgement are unreasonable anyways.

 

[NightHawk21]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

Fake confidence. Seriously it works . You'll start off faking , and slowly become more confident . Honestly , try it , it works . Be brave . Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are awsome. And you will believe your awsome . And it will show in your demenor .

Lying to yourself is very effective for your to believe what your saying . It you do it enough .. You will believe it .

I can vouch for this. You gotta carry an air of confidence. It does wonders (even if like myself you are really unconfident on the inside). My problem is that I can put on this fake air, but I since it isn't real I don't have the balls to take any next steps. Still has done wonders for my social life in regards to where I was less than a year ago.

Captcha: baby steps

Captcha is getting creepy accurate

 

[Dalisclock]

My turn : i'm extremely attracted to my ex-assistant manager ( i quit ) . I have a feeling she has a thing for me to . She is about 20 years my senior . The problem is . A) She's married B) she has children my age . I want to invite her for lunch or dinner . I have her number , and i know she talks about me since i left . I just don't know how to approach this ? Should i ask her in person? Should i call her? Should i do it while she's at work? At home ? Do i just say it's a friendly lunch? Do i tell her i want to go on a date with her? Do i drop the idea completly?How do i ask her out?

I think you answered your own question when you said "She's Married". Thus, the answer is: Leave it alone. When was the last time you heard of any relationship made better by cheating(for anyone invovled)?

 

[Total LOLige]

Go up to a chick you meet on the bus cause shes pretty, sure, doesn't sound creepy at all...

I really hope you get off the bus BEFORE her, otherwise it's going to look even MORE creepy.


You should join social interaction, groups, clubs, meetings, movie nights, join friends and get in their social circle, meet people online. All those require you getting to know people a bit BEFORE you walk up and go "hi, my names so and so, i see you around, whats yours? lets get to know each other"

Because you know what that comes off as? "I have no clue at all the sort of person you are because the only thing I know about you is what you look like. And you look like someone I would like to bone, do you like starting friendships and possibly more with guys who approach you simply because of your looks? If so great! If not...let me brace for rejection".



Unless your whole approach is "we both ride the bus/train, man our lives are amazing arn't they? I'm miserable and hopefuly you are, want to sleep together?"

Don't listen to this dude he hasn't got a clue. I've found that people that have the 'talking to strangers is creepy' mentality are either creepy or don't handle social situations well, I'm not saying that about you(cerebreturns) though because I don't know you. If strangers didn't talk to each other, we'd all be alone. As long as you don't approach someone in a creepy manner you're not going to be viewed as a creep, you'll just be viewed as 'a friendly stranger that spoke to me'. Even if you get shot down there's no reason why you can't be friends with a familiar stranger. So, OP my advice is just talk to her and see where it goes, you might end up romantically involved or just friends. Who knows she may have a friend that's perfect for you.

 

[GroovySpecs]

I don't know if I'm welcome here but I am just going to throw my thoughts from a female perspective into the mix. I would say above don't be afraid of being shy, it isn't in itself offputting, and even when somone is so immensley shy that it is offputting, it is still alot less offputting than somone approaching you with alot of fake brovado. It can even be flattering to have a guy tripping over himself a little asking you out. It's the worlds oldest cleche but be yourself, and provided you are a nice person it will work for you in the end.

The one note of caution i would sound is to be aware of the difference between being shy and being unhappy with yourself. It is very important to a girl that you are happy in yourself, because the one thing none of us are looking for is a project. Somone who isn't happy with themself and is looking for somone to make them happy might as well tatoo "run and hide" on their forehead.

Just my two cents.

 

[Auron225]

It's not often I see a girl that makes me go;

but when I do, it happens to be a complete stranger and one that I likely won't run into again (like, on the street or something). I cannot think of a socially acceptable way to start conversations with complete strangers other than "Do you have the time?" which is becoming less and less believe-able in our day and age, and I don't know what to follow it up with other than "Thanks". =S

 

[thejackyl]

I'm not necessarily shy. I just take a little while longer to warm up to people than normal. However I do have a horrible time picking up signals that woman are interested in me.

Take my girlfriend for example: We met over a year ago. We've only been dating for less than a month. And she was interested in me THE WHOLE TIME. Oh well, it worked out in the end.

As for past encounters, I've only been told "No" directly maybe twice by girls who weren't interested in me, everyone else beat around the bush way too much.

Last girl I asked out recently broke up withe her last boyfriend, we hung out a lot, and I told her how I felt(That I would like to go out). She responded "I would like to too, but I think it's still too soon for us.", Not a "No", which I probably would have stopped talking to her for a while and then been "Okay, that's cool". But because of this I tried again a few weeks later, after she had lost interest in me. She simply said she was too busy to start dating right now. So a few weeks later I tried again. (A few days before Christmas.) This time she finally said she was no longer interested. To which I responded by going home and calling myself stupid for not seeing the signs. Good news, we are still good friends.

Before that it was a girl who had recently broke off an engagement. We go out as friends, have a good time. We go out on an actual date and have a great time. After that she tells me she's come out as a lesbian after her failed engagement.

Another girl came onto me before this, and we became really fast friends. We went on a few dates and she ends up telling me she's engaged, which made our activities that night a lot more awkward...

And that's not just the last two years. If I went back more...

There's a reason I'm a little socially awkward. Some people are fucked up, and I absolutely hate the drama that's attached to them.

 

[JokerCrowe]

I recently realized something when it comes to asking girls out.
The less attachment you have to them and the shorter time you've spent obsessing over them, the easier it'll go and the less you'll have to lose. My advice to OP: talk to her, you'll need to think of something to talk about unless you're really good at improv theater, but make a bunch of topics and come up with an opener.
I don't know how much time you have spent looking at her and thinking about her, (you probably shouldn't mention that in you opener though...) but the sooner you talk to her the easier it'll be.
And if she completely shuts you down, Hey! At least you had the courage to talk to a complete stranger on a train (presumably in front of people), and (possibly) asked her out. Doing things like that work pretty much like in video games, you get XP for every time you do it, and you'll get better every time you do it too.
So just do it. She's not some girl you've secretly loved for 5 years, it's just a cute girl in a train. So best case scenario you get a date! Worst case scenario the train crashes!! (*cough*) I mean, she shoots you down, and you can go look for other cute girls on trains and have more experience in doing so and therefore a higher chance of success!

 

[Kuilui]

What I've realized in life like most things is that often the experience is far less painful than the torture parade you put yourself through thinking about doing something. Life is to short to make yourself miserable over things that you have control over(when there's often enough things making you miserable you have no control over). Sure its painful to rip yourself out of your comfort zone, especially when putting yourself out there in such a way but even if it goes wrong its only a little pain and you'll finally have closure one way or another. You won't have to think "What if" or any of that because you'll have your peace of mind at least. The torture parade clouds your judgement and rational mind after awhile, at least in my case anyway. That's why I love the cartoon Doug because Doug is the everyman basically. Every single show he puts himself through these nightmare scenarios and stresses out about things that are really no big deal even if they feel like they are to you.

 

[PsychedelicDiamond]

There's something i kinda want to get off of my heart so...

You know, a few, about three, years ago i met this girl. We've spent quite a bit of time together though not nearly as much as i would have wanted. Went to school together. I was 16 and kind of a loner back then, not the most social person, you dig? I like to think that i've gotten better about this but that's probably not for me to judge. Well, thing is, didn't get along to well with my classmates but it was different with her. She took the time to actually get to know me and spent some time with me. And, uh... i kinda developed a somewhere immature crush on her. Well, now that i've finished school i didn't keep in touch with her but... you know my feelings for her didn't go away. It's... quite the opposite, actually. It's like... im putting her on a proverbial pedestal, you know? Like, she's now that ideal no other woman can live up to. And, truth is, i find that really depressing. I mean, i feel like a total creep and yet there's nothing i can do, it's just the way i feel. I don't know... i guess i'm actually really pathetic and had the sudden urge to share this by writing 10 lines about it on an internet forum.

 

[GroovySpecs]

There's something i kinda want to get off of my heart so...

You know, a few, about three, years ago i met this girl. We've spent quite a bit of time together though not nearly as much as i would have wanted. Went to school together. I was 16 and kind of a loner back then, not the most social person, you dig? I like to think that i've gotten better about this but that's probably not for me to judge. Well, thing is, didn't get along to well with my classmates but it was different with her. She took the time to actually get to know me and spent some time with me. And, uh... i kinda developed a somewhere immature crush on her. Well, now that i've finished school i didn't keep in touch with her but... you know my feelings for her didn't go away. It's... quite the opposite, actually. It's like... im putting her on a proverbial pedestal, you know? Like, she's now that ideal no other woman can live up to. And, truth is, i find that really depressing. I mean, i feel like a total creep and yet there's nothing i can do, it's just the way i feel. I don't know... i guess i'm actually really pathetic and had the sudden urge to share this by writing 10 lines about it on an internet forum.

Why not look her up, facebook her or something? If she took the time to get to know you the way you say she may have liked you too and even if nothing else you might rekindle an old friendship. But above all it should break the spell, you have this image of a perfect girl in your mind and the best thing to bring you back down to earth may be getting to know the real her?

Thanks for sharing anyway.

 

[JLML]

If all else fails just do this:

You know, I always read your posts in the voice of Adam Baldwin, because of that avatar. In this case that became even funnier than usual. I can just imagine him, with that face, saying that and point to a screen or something showing that clip.

OT: Well, as someone who belongs to that group of awkward, asocial group, I can honestly say that yeah, confidence is (usually. . . probably) the key. The few times I've ever been in what could be likened to a functional relationship it's been because I've (for whatever reason) acted with at least some level of confidence.

Also, don't bother sitting around waiting. Trust me. For example, there was this one time when I was just tired of the boring old same and went into town (I live slightly outside the city, and for whatever reason I rarely go in there, mostly because the buses here are shit-expensive I guess) with no plan what so ever, walked around a while, stumbled upon an event going on, made some friends, and a few weeks later I was in the first (and so far only) "real" relationship I've been in. That, combined with some other stuff, has made me figure out that this whole relationship thing is not really my thing. I prefer solitude. Anyhow, what I was trying to say with this little story is that you never know what will happen, and the best thing to do is ACTUALLY, you know, just go out and see what happens.

Captcha: "What for" what for indeed, captcha.

 

[Extra-Ordinary]

Are you insanely attractive? Because that's pretty much how women distinguish between "cute awkward guy I met on a train that was kind of like the beginning of a rom-com" and "Traincreep McMurderface".

Oh gosh, that was the funniest thing I've read all day.
Anyway.
Sorry buddy, can't help ya.
I'm actually more-or-less lurking in this thread trying to find an answer myself.

 

[Wolf In A Bear Suit]

I have some problems <.<

Anyone know how to read "signals"? I has no idea

Any and all help would be generally appreciated, thank you!

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

Oh come on, really?

I thought "no" meant "no"...

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO MIND-SCREWY!?

[small]User was banned for: How I Friend-Zoned Anita Sarkeesian [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/520.401227]. (Permanent)[/small]

And remember if they take out a restraining order, they're just playing hard to get, You should make a grand gesture, like stealing her cat and when she goes crazy looking for it, bring it back. You'll be a hero.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

To be honest, every girl I seem to fancy are either nothing more than acquaintances who seem to have dropped hints that they?re not interested in me, or they?re already taken. Like the girl who I?m sort-of friends with (although the bulk of our conversations appear to be about History, since we?re in the same class for A-Levels) I asked to go to the cinema with a few weeks ago because I was feeling so shitty about myself that I just thought, ?Fuck it, I?m going to do something impulsive right now, and I?ve been thinking about asking her about it, so here goes?, but she declined, and I think my friend and her already have some kind of thing going on, judging by how they act around each other. I?ve not even managed a hug from her, and he?s held her hand. I think so, anyway. At the moment, I don?t think I could get that close with a girl, especially since I need to work on loving myself first.

I pretty much just decided that I was going to wait until university and hope that my relations with the opposite sex picks up from then on, since I?ll have more independence, probably have more confidence and appeal after I get CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for my numerous issues (I?m already taking Fluoxetine for depression), and, well, I?ll be an adult.

I don?t care that much about the sex part. When it happens, it?ll happen. I might sound arrogant here, but I know I?m not going to be a 40-year-old virgin, because I?m not that socially awkward, and I?ve seen people worse than me hook up with girls. But it would be nice to have some companionship, someone to cuddle and kiss, someone to talk to about stuff that I may not be able to do with my friends or family, and to fully understand what everyone?s talking about when they talk about the ?meaning of love?, rather than cynically scoffing at everything they say.

 

[Paradoxrifts]

And remember if they take out a restraining order, they're just playing hard to get, You should make a grand gesture, like stealing her cat and when she goes crazy looking for it, bring it back. You'll be a hero.

Only after you've turned it into a hat. Chicks dig hats.