Are You a Shy Guy? (Girl Problems Thread)

[Basement Cat]

I have some problems <.<

Anyone know how to read "signals"? I has no idea

Any and all help would be generally appreciated, thank you!

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

Oh come on, really?

I thought "no" meant "no"...

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO MIND-SCREWY!?

[small]User was banned for: How I Friend-Zoned Anita Sarkeesian [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/520.401227]. (Permanent)[/small]

You aren't the only one who finds it contradictory. Not by a long shot. And girls are just as aware and frustrated by "The Rules" as guys are.

But human nature is human nature. Society's rules don't have a snowflake's chance in a blast furnace against millions of years of evolution.


Timing is important, but the real key is to stay aware of HOW the girl responds. And by asking her out again I don't mean persisting at that very moment but asking her out a day/week later. Something like that. If she says no again then take it as a "No."

P.S. One of the biggest reasons "Confidence" is such a winner in social circles is that Alphas tend to lead by example. As such (and I know this from experience) if you act like you know what you're doing and act like doing this-or-that is normal/expected then others will follow your example because you're 'taking the lead'. That is why confidence is so important in dating--at least one of you ISN'T acting like you're the blind leading the blind.

[small]User was banned for: Do you enjoy planning murder IRL? [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/520.401227]. (Permanent)[/small]

 

[Darken12]

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

Then it's her loss.

I cannot stress how bad this advice is. Do not harass women who've said no. If she says no and then regrets it, tough luck. She'll learn to be less abrupt the next time a guy asks her out.

This is absolutely unbelievable. The sheer cognitive dissonance is staggering. In the "are you uncomfortable around gay people" thread, so many people said "I get uncomfortable when they hit on me and can't take a no for an answer" and golly gee, don't you think this might happen to women too? How would you feel if a gay guy hit on you repeatedly because some bicurious guys say "no" out of sheer reflex, which leaves them wishing they got propositioned again? And if that doesn't excuse repeatedly ignoring a "no" when given, then it also doesn't excuse it when the genders are changed.

Get your shit together, people.

 

[Silvanus]

Here's one for ya.

Guy I know slightly. Barman. He's friends with a couple of my friends, and he recognises me when I'm in the pub & remembers what I drink. Doubt he knows my name, though, our only conversations have been fleeting (but pleasant), and only with the other friends present.

Now, the other friends are all off elsewhere. They're not in town anymore, except during X-Masses, and I don't plan to be here for another X-Mas either. If I was to ask him out, I'd have to head into his place of work alone.

He'd greet me, I'm not entirely a stranger to him. But... to ask him out? If he turned out to be straight, it would be embarrassing beyond words. Also pretty crushing. This is pretty much the only prospect that exists here, and it's so uncertain, so unlikely.

Do I wait for a day when I feel liek a baws, and go for it? Or is it unrealistic to pin my hopes on something like this?

 

[Cheesus Crust]

Are you insanely attractive? Because that's pretty much how women distinguish between "cute awkward guy I met on a train that was kind of like the beginning of a rom-com" and "Traincreep McMurderface".

So true. My advice try to come off as friendly and casual. Confidence is great but too much can come off as a you being a smug creepy guy like the guy above said.

 

[Darken12]

Do I wait for a day when I feel liek a baws, and go for it? Or is it unrealistic to pin my hopes on something like this?

Strike up a conversation with him, find out if he's single, casually drop the old "my ex-boyfriend and I used to..." line, see how he reacts afterwards. If he starts being more distant or acts "odd" (fronting, emphasising how much he's into girls, that sort of thing), he's straight, save yourself the humiliation and don't ask. If he's cool with it and doesn't change the way he acts around you (or seems friendlier or more interested), joke around about how all the guys you like end up being straight, and then be super casual, put on your most charming smile and go "And what about you? Do I have a shot if I ask you out?" If he says no, just let it slide right off you (keep up a (smaller) smile, sigh a little and go "Yeah, I figured. Ah, well, that's luck for ya. Get me another one, would you? Thanks!"). If he says yes, then congrats, you're in. You can start actually flirting then and eventually ask him out.

 

[NoeL]

My turn : i'm extremely attracted to my ex-assistant manager ( i quit ) . I have a feeling she has a thing for me to . She is about 20 years my senior . The problem is . A) She's married B) she has children my age . I want to invite her for lunch or dinner . I have her number , and i know she talks about me since i left . I just don't know how to approach this ? Should i ask her in person? Should i call her? Should i do it while she's at work? At home ? Do i just say it's a friendly lunch? Do i tell her i want to go on a date with her? Do i drop the idea completly?How do i ask her out?

*slaps* You DON'T! She's married, damnit - leave the woman alone. Even if you think she likes you too, this would threaten the stability of her life. And for what, you get to stick it in her a few times? Show some restraint.

Alternatively, if one of her children is a daughter...

 

[idon'tknowaboutthat]

Alright, feeling pretty crap right now, so I guess I'll bite.

There's this girl I met, we hung out a few times, just studying together and stuff, got drunk together once with her roommates. I left my alcohol at her place the next day (I was on the couch, not her bed), we had spring break after that, and I haven't seen her since. I've texted her a few times to try to set some studying up for a future day, but she was sick (or maybe "sick") the one time, and never replied the next, after we'd made plans to meet (the library has pretty terrible reception so it could be that she never got it).

Anyways, I'm terrible with reading these signals, so is this a girl's way of saying she's lost interest, or am I reading too far in? I kinda feel like I'm playing the fool here, but should I keep trying? Friends have suggested I try something beyond studying... I also want my vodka back...

 

[Thyunda]

Alright, feeling pretty crap right now, so I guess I'll bite.

There's this girl I met, we hung out a few times, just studying together and stuff, got drunk together once with her roommates. I left my alcohol at her place the next day (I was on the couch, not her bed), we had spring break after that, and I haven't seen her since. I've texted her a few times to try to set some studying up for a future day, but she was sick (or maybe "sick") the one time, and never replied the next, after we'd made plans to meet (the library has pretty terrible reception so it could be that she never got it).

Anyways, I'm terrible with reading these signals, so is this a girl's way of saying she's lost interest, or am I reading too far in? I kinda feel like I'm playing the fool here, but should I keep trying? Friends have suggested I try something beyond studying... I also want my vodka back...

She wasn't sick. She was just trying to drink your vodka as fast as she possibly could. The result knocked her unconscious for a few days. Your best bet is to show up at her house with an axe and break in. Save her life, potentially. Girls love it when you turn up at their door in the middle of the night with a deadly weapon.


In all seriousness - leave it. For now. Eventually she'll either wonder why you never contacted her or she'll wonder why you stopped. And then she'll reach out to you via text, or via drunk text, and then you'll have your window again.

 

[knight steel]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

I hate to say it but there's nothing more we can say. There are no love potions, psychological key phrases or magicr tricks that can make a girl like you. You need to be confident or fake it till you make it. Think of it this way. If you pretend to be confident and she likes what she sees, and agrees to date you, then you have something right there to be confident about.

How long do you have to "fake it till you make it".
I've been following that exact same advice you have given for about four years and yet I've never once even gone on a date with somebody. So how FUCKING long does it take to get somewhere.
You know you can only stand being rejected so many times intill you contemplate killing someone/killing yourself. Why do I have to be the one to make the first move , once just for one fucking time why can't someone ask me out/start a conversation with me for a change.

 

[Colour Scientist]

I have some problems <.<

Anyone know how to read "signals"? I has no idea

Any and all help would be generally appreciated, thank you!

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

Oh come on, really?

I thought "no" meant "no"...

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO MIND-SCREWY!?

[small]User was banned for: How I Friend-Zoned Anita Sarkeesian [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/520.401227]. (Permanent)[/small]

It does.
Seriously, do not keep asking a girl out after she's turned you down. You're going to come across as desperate, very desperate. This approach might work on like two people but women are not a hive-mind and any girls that I know would hate it.

 

[Lieju]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

Maybe try getting to know people on your home turf? Something you know and can talk confidently about, some hobby-group or such.

I always start talking to women about my tarantulas. Because if they go 'gross!', there is no future for us. But if she is interested, we have something to talk about.

 

[slippereend]

No is no.

But, when you ask a girl out and she says no, then just give her your number/e-mailadress/facebook.
We all love to find out more about others from a safe distance (the internet!), and if she changes her mind then she can easily contact you.

Make sure that you don't have any supercreepy photo's and stuff online though o_o

If she hasn't made a move yet in a week or two max, then she isn't interested and it's time to start move on.

 

[Phasmal]

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

Don't do this.
That is probably the worst advice ever to give guys who have trouble getting dates.
Take it from a woman, no means no.
If you persist after she has said no, all you are saying is `What I want is more important than respecting your boundaries`. It comes across as needy and creepy.

Honestly, sometimes I look at the advice you guys give each other and it's like you're trying to sabotage each other.
---

OT: I'm shy myself, so I do feel for shy guys, still, watch out for people trying to give you advice, and think about the advice they give you.

As for your lady on the train, check her body language.
Is she open, and smiling? Does she look like she would like to be approached by someone? -> then maybe, but be aware of her reactions and back off if it isn't going well.
Is she often reading, looking out the window, wearing headphones? <- then no.

 

[SckizoBoy]

I'm fairly sociable, just... diffident, I guess.

Anyway... my problem: every woman I'm attracted to falls into two specific categories:

1) I'm already good friends with her, but she's married.
2) We've already broken up and for the good of our mutual sanity we're on opposite sides of the universe for all we know.

*le sigh*

 

[Thaluikhain]

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

...

That's really, really terrible advice. If someone says "no", you don't bug them until they say "yes". You accept that they said "no".

 

[I-Protest-I]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

Go for a beer or 10 with your mates, some slag will eventually notice you.

 

[Phasmal]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

Well, in regards to confidence, it usually means being confident talking to the opposite gender (and I seem to recall you mentioning female friends, so obviously you can talk to women).
Nobody is saying you should walk around thinking you're the best dude on earth (because guys who do that are annoying), but you kinda do need to believe in yourself a bit. Perhaps dial back the self-loathing.
My boyfriend was unemployed when I met him, so jobs don't really matter. They do to some people, but don't automatically count yourself out just for not having one or not having a good one.

Here's a question, Doclector, and I hope you don't find it too rude.
You've been rather annoyed about this issue for some time now, have you taken any steps forward, do you think?

 

[Doclector]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

Well, in regards to confidence, it usually means being confident talking to the opposite gender (and I seem to recall you mentioning female friends, so obviously you can talk to women).
Nobody is saying you should walk around thinking you're the best dude on earth (because guys who do that are annoying), but you kinda do need to believe in yourself a bit. Perhaps dial back the self-loathing.
My boyfriend was unemployed when I met him, so jobs don't really matter. They do to some people, but don't automatically count yourself out just for not having one or not having a good one.

Here's a question, Doclector, and I hope you don't find it too rude.
You've been rather annoyed about this issue for some time now, have you taken any steps forward, do you think?

Well, I am signed up for some therapy now. Began the process back in november, and I have an appointment for april to be assessed. Dunno what else I can do. Having enough trouble with uni work, honestly, I'm just trying to keep myself together for now while I wait for proper solutions.