Are you afraid of Commitment?

[creager91]

I find that I've been associated with being a "player" as of late, this is a little troubling because I never intended to "play" anyone I just feel like I relationships just aren't worth the hassle. I mean hell, I'm a virgin, (by choice I say I'm saving it for the right girl but I'm 19 and it just isnt a priority to have sex for me and I just havent found anyone I thought was worth it).

So after being told by my best friend at school, shes more like a little sister, that I'm a player I got to thinking. I don't think I'm a player, at least I don't try to be, but I can see how I could be considered a psychological player (I won't go into detail because I fear that you guys will think I'm just trying to brag), but anywho, the way I see it I just don't like to commit to any one person and so I usually am "talking" to a couple girls at a time.

So then after that I thought, I wonder how the good people (im an optimist haha) of The Escapist are? Are any of you guys/girls afraid of commitment? Any stories or examples you'd like to share? Or any help you can offer to us commitment phobes? Anything to add to the discussion is appreciated thanks in advance!

EDIT: I should add that I'm not upset at this revelation because I kind of suspected it since I am VERY cynical about relationships

 

[InfiniteJacuzzi]

Definitely not interested in anything long term, I'm afraid of just losing interest in a single person after too much time together. I ignore people a lot more than I play them.

 

[creager91]

So youd say you are more of a commtiment phobe than a player as well then?

 

[SilentCom]

I'm 21 and still a virgin- commitment isn't something I do unfortunately. Of course I don't really have any friends and I hardly ever talk to people so it's not really an issue for me.

 

[Amberella]

I've been in a relationship for over 2 years, so I obviously have no problem with commitment. I should probably add that we both live in two totally different places. I live in the US and he lives in the UK. We visit eachother though.

I don't think you should be afraid to commit to a relationship, especially if it's someone you desperately care about. But I know a few people who are afraid of commitment and often ask me about my long distance relationship. I just respond that I love him and he's the one my heart is set on. I mean, you can't help who you fall in love with anyway.

There are also many reasons why people are afraid to commit. I shall name a few.

1. Past Relationships - If you have ever been in a relationship that has gone horribly wrong, then you know that it can change your opinion on all relationships. You know that when you first went into that past relationship, you went in happy and then you came out miserable. When a new relationship presents itself, you can't help but think, "Do I really want to do that again?".

2. Control - Most commitments require some sort of compromise and this can feel like a loss of control. A lot of people like to have full control over their lives and don't want to give even the tiniest bit of control to another person. This fear of losing control can stem from other issues.

3. Fear of Change - Commitment and change often go hand in hand. Even if it is something very small that changes about your life when you commit, that change is still there. If you are the type of person who fears change, then chances are, you fear commitment.

 

[Count Igor]

Nay. I'd get into a long, serious relationship if I loved her.

 

[creager91]

I've been in a relationship for over 2 years, so I obviously have no problem with commitment. I should probably add that we both live in two totally different places. I live in the US and he lives in the UK. We visit eachother though.

I don't think you should be afraid to commit to a relationship, especially if it's someone you desperately care about. But I know a few people who are afraid of commitment and often ask me about my long distance relationship. I just respond that I love him and he's the one my heart is set on. I mean, you can't help who you fall in love with anyway.

There are also many reasons why people are afraid to commit. I shall name a few.

1. Past Relationships - If you have ever been in a relationship that has gone horribly wrong, then you know that it can change your opinion on all relationships. You know that when you first went into that past relationship, you went in happy and then you came out miserable. When a new relationship presents itself, you can't help but think, "Do I really want to do that again?".

2. Control - Most commitments require some sort of compromise and this can feel like a loss of control. A lot of people like to have full control over their lives and don't want to give even the tiniest bit of control to another person. This fear of losing control can stem from other issues.

3. Fear of Change - Commitment and change often go hand in hand. Even if it is something very small that changes about your life when you commit, that change is still there. If you are the type of person who fears change, then chances are, you fear commitment.

That's cool that you can have a relationship like that and yeah past relationships is dead on for me and I know it, The last relationship I was in I was cheated on then mentally and emotionally tortured, she would have her guy friends call me and I didnt have their numbers so I'd pick up and theyd start talking shit and threatening me, they were football players at her school and I was a soccer player aka the real football haha and then she would call me tellng me she wanted me back (i ignored it everytime) theres more but I don't like talking about it. And I realize i sound like I'm biased and you all think I must have provoked her but really even now she openly admitted to a mutual friend that I was the most fun, nicest and funniest guy shed ever dated<- that drives me fucking crazy

So needless to say I'm sure that has something to do with it.

And to the people that are saying like "i'd commit if I loved her". How are you sure that you aren't subconsciously sabotaging yourself and nitpicking or just psyching yourself out? And how do you react when a girl says they love you? I get a little freaked out tbh. Unfortunately when a few girls Ive talked to said this I usually just can't stand them anymore.

 

[conmag9]

I'd tell you, but I'd rather not have to decide for sure...

 

[commodorejohn]

I'm not afraid of commitment, I just want to find someone that I can trust with everything about me.

 

[GeorgW]

I'm not afraid of commitment if it's with the right girl. But it's scary to know if you have found her.

 

[creager91]

I'm not afraid of commitment, I just want to find someone that I can trust with everything about me.

See, I don't think I could ever trust someone that much, like I have a lot of friends and shit but my real tight group is like 3 guys back home (I'm up at school) and one girl up at school with me, they're like brothers and sisters to me and I have a brother and two sisters lol but no one knows everything and I don't think I'd ever let anyone know everything, except maybe on here because of the anonymity of the internet haha

 

[Amberella]

I've been in a relationship for over 2 years, so I obviously have no problem with commitment. I should probably add that we both live in two totally different places. I live in the US and he lives in the UK. We visit eachother though.

I don't think you should be afraid to commit to a relationship, especially if it's someone you desperately care about. But I know a few people who are afraid of commitment and often ask me about my long distance relationship. I just respond that I love him and he's the one my heart is set on. I mean, you can't help who you fall in love with anyway.

There are also many reasons why people are afraid to commit. I shall name a few.

1. Past Relationships - If you have ever been in a relationship that has gone horribly wrong, then you know that it can change your opinion on all relationships. You know that when you first went into that past relationship, you went in happy and then you came out miserable. When a new relationship presents itself, you can't help but think, "Do I really want to do that again?".

2. Control - Most commitments require some sort of compromise and this can feel like a loss of control. A lot of people like to have full control over their lives and don't want to give even the tiniest bit of control to another person. This fear of losing control can stem from other issues.

3. Fear of Change - Commitment and change often go hand in hand. Even if it is something very small that changes about your life when you commit, that change is still there. If you are the type of person who fears change, then chances are, you fear commitment.

That's cool that you can have a relationship like that and yeah past relationships is dead on for me and I know it, The last relationship I was in I was cheated on then mentally and emotionally tortured, she would have her guy friends call me and I didnt have their numbers so I'd pick up and theyd start talking shit and threatening me, they were football players at her school and I was a soccer player aka the real football haha and then she would call me tellng me she wanted me back (i ignored it everytime) theres more but I don't like talking about it. And I realize i sound like I'm biased and you all think I must have provoked her but really even now she openly admitted to a mutual friend that I was the most fun, nicest and funniest guy shed ever dated<- that drives me fucking crazy

So needless to say I'm sure that has something to do with it.

And to the people that are saying like "i'd commit if I loved her". How are you sure that you aren't subconsciously sabotaging yourself and nitpicking or just psyching yourself out? And how do you react when a girl says they love you? I get a little freaked out tbh. Unfortunately when a few girls Ive talked to said this I usually just can't stand them anymore.

I've had my fair share of horrible past relationships as well. So it wasn't all easy for me to go straight into a relationship. I take my time and really get to know the person before I jump into something serious. I take precautions because my heart has been broken way too many times. :/ I'm also sorry to hear about that relationship you had with that girl. Something similar happened to me with an ex.

But from what you said in your last paragraph there, to me it all depends on how long you two were together before she claims she "loves you". Because from what I've seen girls sometimes will say that to see if the guy is really interested. Yeah, it's some sort of test to girls. Not all girls, mind you. And some people get love confused with lust. Seen that one way too many times as well. Also for the sabotaging part, you won't know unless you give it a try. ;D Again, that's been said before, but you really won't know unless you give it a try and see if it's something you really want.

 

[Ickorus]

Im not afraid of commitment, commitment is afraid of me.

Translation: I don't has a girlfriend.

 

[creager91]

I've had my fair share of horrible past relationships as well. So it wasn't all easy for me to go straight into a relationship. I take my time and really get to know the person before I jump into something serious. I take precautions because my heart has been broken way too many times. :/ I'm also sorry to hear about that relationship you had with that girl. Something similar happened to me with an ex.

But from what you said in your last paragraph there, to me it all depends on how long you two were together before she claims she "loves you". Because from what I've seen girls sometimes will say that to see if the guy is really interested. Yeah, it's some sort of test to girls. Not all girls, mind you. And some people get love confused with lust. Seen that one way too many times as well. Also for the sabotaging part, you won't know unless you give it a try. ;D Again, that's been said before, but you really won't know unless you give it a try and see if it's something you really want.

^ no idea if that's going to come out right but anyway, They have said the L word usually after a couple months of us casually dating and occasionally cuddling up for a movie or sleeping together, again I'm a virgin so I like to think that they know its just for fun and I really don't hide that I'm a virgin. But like as soon as I hear that word it's almost like I just get disgusted by them and I actually have gotten angry at girls for saying it (never expressive, I'm very much self-destructive and bottle up most of my emotions)

I guess I can seem a little shady because the way I am is if they don't ask then I don't tell but if they do ask like "your not talking to other girls are you?" Then I'm at least honest but I'm usually really good with my words (I'm a true blue Gemini) and they just try harder.

 

[creager91]

Im not afraid of commitment, commitment is afraid of me.

Translation: I don't has a girlfriend.

Haha, I'm sorry to hear that man, I mean it sounds like you are looking for one though and good luck, even though I am cynical about relationships I know other people can enjoy them so as the Italians say in boca al lupo (its the equivalent to "break a leg")

 

[Canadamus Prime]

Im not afraid of commitment, commitment is afraid of me.

Translation: I don't has a girlfriend.

What he said.
No, I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of several other things that are impede relationships (rejection, change, rejection, heartbreak, did I say rejection?), but no commitment isn't one of them.

 

[Amberella]

I've had my fair share of horrible past relationships as well. So it wasn't all easy for me to go straight into a relationship. I take my time and really get to know the person before I jump into something serious. I take precautions because my heart has been broken way too many times. :/ I'm also sorry to hear about that relationship you had with that girl. Something similar happened to me with an ex.

But from what you said in your last paragraph there, to me it all depends on how long you two were together before she claims she "loves you". Because from what I've seen girls sometimes will say that to see if the guy is really interested. Yeah, it's some sort of test to girls. Not all girls, mind you. And some people get love confused with lust. Seen that one way too many times as well. Also for the sabotaging part, you won't know unless you give it a try. ;D Again, that's been said before, but you really won't know unless you give it a try and see if it's something you really want.

^ no idea if that's going to come out right but anyway, They have said the L word usually after a couple months of us casually dating and occasionally cuddling up for a movie or sleeping together, again I'm a virgin so I like to think that they know its just for fun and I really don't hide that I'm a virgin. But like as soon as I hear that word it's almost like I just get disgusted by them and I actually have gotten angry at girls for saying it (never expressive, I'm very much self-destructive and bottle up most of my emotions)

I guess I can seem a little shady because the way I am is if they don't ask then I don't tell but if they do ask like "your not talking to other girls are you?" Then I'm at least honest but I'm usually really good with my words (I'm a true blue Gemini) and they just try harder.

Do you know why you get angry when they say it? Like what are you thinking when they say it? I'm just curious as to why it makes you so angry. Although I do think a few months of just casual dating isn't long enough to declare you love someone. I like to think "love" hasn't become a overused word that lost its meaning. At least to me it hasn't. And if you were wondering, I'm a die hard romantic. xD

And my boyfriend is a Gemini as well, so I can see why you're so difficult sometimes.

 

[Baby Tea]

I've been in a relationship for over 2 years, so I obviously have no problem with commitment. I should probably add that we both live in two totally different places. I live in the US and he lives in the UK. We visit eachother though.

While I applaud the long-distance relationship, it's very different when you're with that person a lot. Being in a relationship while only seeing each other every few months (If that often) is quite different from being in a relationship where you see each other daily. I'm certainly not saying you aren't committed. Don't get me wrong. But while staying together over long distances shows you can ignore the people around you in favor of your boyfriend, staying together when you're with each other more often shows you are committed despite the 'little things' that always add up.

My wife and I did long distance, and saw each other once a month for almost 2 years.
Now we've been married for almost 3 years.

I'm not afraid of commitment at all. I used to think I'd never be married, to be honest, then I met my wife and I was a changed man. She is, hands down, the best thing that has happened to me. Being married is just awesome. Some people are worried they'll get sick of that one person, and I was at first, but that's totally gone now. She's my best friend, and it's amazing to go through life with her. I wouldn't change it for anything.

 

[Eisenfaust]

i'm not afraid of it, in so far as i don't really care about it... too much hassle

 

[creager91]

Im not afraid of commitment, commitment is afraid of me.

Translation: I don't has a girlfriend.

What he said.
No, I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of several other things that are impede relationships (rejection, change, rejection, heartbreak, did I say rejection?), but no commitment isn't one of them.

Yeah I feel you on the fear of rejection, I have seen it in my friends so many times, It helped me to think that everybody has different standards and even though one person might not find you attractive that doesnt mean that everyone feels the same, like I do not find megan fox attractive (partially because shes retarded) but I find Ke$ha to be my celebrity crush haha just thinking about how big of a freak she must be gets me goin. My point is that if you have more confidence than you honestly deal with less rejection because when a man is confident its like an aura surrounds him that women just feed off of. Don;t know if I helped but good luck in the future