Are you afraid of Commitment?
- Thread starter creager91
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I could probably be classified as that seeing as I think all most all people are assholes thast will screw over even their closest friends if so much as a dime is dropped between them. I also don't think I need someone to drain my bank account. At least that's the only thing i could see getting from a relationship.
I wouldn't say I'm afraid of commitment. If anything, what makes me uneasy at mind is wondering how the other person would react when they find out all my flaws and problems. It makes me think they'd reject me and find someone else who didn't have so many issues.
I have a different commitment than most. I feel it goes further than the usual balck and white "boy girl" relationship. I am committed in an amazing relationship with more than one person, yet people seem to undermine that with their "conservative standards"
A while ago, I thought I was afraid of commitment. I had been dating a guy for about two years, and when I started considering a possible future with him panicked. While at the time I thought it might have been an irrational fear of commitment, I soon realized I hadn't ever really been in love with him. Of course the idea of being with him forever and ever scared me - I wasn't emotionally involved.
Skip ahead to the present and I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man of three years. We've been living together for the past two, and he's utterly my best friend. The idea of spending my future with him seems pretty awesome to me indeed.
So I would say to anyone afraid of commitment, you may just not have found the right person yet. There's no reason to rush ahead into anything, give it some time and if things aren't working out between you and your significant other, than it just wasn't meant to be.
Skip ahead to the present and I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man of three years. We've been living together for the past two, and he's utterly my best friend. The idea of spending my future with him seems pretty awesome to me indeed.
So I would say to anyone afraid of commitment, you may just not have found the right person yet. There's no reason to rush ahead into anything, give it some time and if things aren't working out between you and your significant other, than it just wasn't meant to be.
I know I'm kind of late posting in this thread seeing as it's been dead for at least twelve hours, but I decided not to waste all this stuff I wrote by exiting yet another tab with a half written post in it.
When I was thirteen or fourteen, I thought teenage relationships were mostly BS because almost everyone broke up after being infatuated, and I read Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye and The Five Love Languages, which had something to do with it somehow. I felt like I had to be really cautious about getting into a relationship and find the perfect person or something, and that to do that I thought I had to get to know someone as a friend really, really well over a long time because it was such a serious thing and I didn't want to get hurt. I nonetheless ended up with some retarded sort-of-relationships and ended up getting hurt (and hurting others), so if you have the impression being cynical about relationships will shield people from being hurt and jealous, don't. The problem is when they start wanting to get serious and you don't know whether being nice to them and trying to distract them will soften the blow of rejection or just make it worse later by frustrating them to the point of tears.
There's a lot of cognitive dissonance in dreaming about people and relationships and enjoying the confidence or thrill the prospect of one gives, while not really wanting one because you're afraid of throwing your dreams away and becoming restless and uncertain. I used to worry about anything from how to kiss people non-awkwardly to what I'd do with the time previously spent daydreaming, trying to impress others, and checking people out. I imagined childish wonder and whimsical freedom disappearing in the perceived everyday banalities of domestic married/long-term-relationship life. Then I try to either rationalise how I could be okay with that, or how life could still feel free and full of potential. There's probably beauty in long-term relationships that I don't see because I've never experienced one properly. Someone once told me I don't know what love is.
Nowadays I think it's good to have a sort of middle ground. You don't have to waste your time by starting a relationship with everyone you have a crush on, but if you really like someone, don't be afraid of "commitment". It's not like you have to marry someone if they become your girlfriend. For the time being I'm enjoying just doing whatever I want. I'm not generally worried about relationships like I used to be, I just figure that whenever I have one, I'll take everything day by day (just as I am now, I'm not fretting about singleness or anything) and stop trying to think of the "big picture" or "bigger purpose" of relationships, because really, everything comes down to everydayness no matter how much you blow it up and dramatise it and make yourself anxious over it. Like InterAirplay said, don't take it too seriously. I figured that I was afraid of relationships because I turned commitment into this big issue.
So, I think for those people you sort of like but not enough to be in a relationship with, or even are infatuated with but aren't sure about yet, there are a few things that should be avoided. Something I decided is that it was stupid to act jealous about something if I'm not wanting to be in a relationship with them, I have no right to act possessive over something I won't claim. And obviously telling them you love them when you won't commit, unless they can obviously see not to take it literally due to context, isn't a good idea. It's just the small things that are hard to figure out sometimes, like whether or not to hug them just that little bit longer or to say they're adorable when they have low self-esteem, or to admit you like them a little. I don't know the difference between trying to be nice and just cruelly leading them on sometimes.
I'm exactly like you, only I'm not sure I'm as cynical about relationships anymore. It seems that it's just in my nature to flirt with different guys sometimes, although I'm not quite sure what flirting even is.creager91 said:
When I was thirteen or fourteen, I thought teenage relationships were mostly BS because almost everyone broke up after being infatuated, and I read Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye and The Five Love Languages, which had something to do with it somehow. I felt like I had to be really cautious about getting into a relationship and find the perfect person or something, and that to do that I thought I had to get to know someone as a friend really, really well over a long time because it was such a serious thing and I didn't want to get hurt. I nonetheless ended up with some retarded sort-of-relationships and ended up getting hurt (and hurting others), so if you have the impression being cynical about relationships will shield people from being hurt and jealous, don't. The problem is when they start wanting to get serious and you don't know whether being nice to them and trying to distract them will soften the blow of rejection or just make it worse later by frustrating them to the point of tears.
There's a lot of cognitive dissonance in dreaming about people and relationships and enjoying the confidence or thrill the prospect of one gives, while not really wanting one because you're afraid of throwing your dreams away and becoming restless and uncertain. I used to worry about anything from how to kiss people non-awkwardly to what I'd do with the time previously spent daydreaming, trying to impress others, and checking people out. I imagined childish wonder and whimsical freedom disappearing in the perceived everyday banalities of domestic married/long-term-relationship life. Then I try to either rationalise how I could be okay with that, or how life could still feel free and full of potential. There's probably beauty in long-term relationships that I don't see because I've never experienced one properly. Someone once told me I don't know what love is.
Nowadays I think it's good to have a sort of middle ground. You don't have to waste your time by starting a relationship with everyone you have a crush on, but if you really like someone, don't be afraid of "commitment". It's not like you have to marry someone if they become your girlfriend. For the time being I'm enjoying just doing whatever I want. I'm not generally worried about relationships like I used to be, I just figure that whenever I have one, I'll take everything day by day (just as I am now, I'm not fretting about singleness or anything) and stop trying to think of the "big picture" or "bigger purpose" of relationships, because really, everything comes down to everydayness no matter how much you blow it up and dramatise it and make yourself anxious over it. Like InterAirplay said, don't take it too seriously. I figured that I was afraid of relationships because I turned commitment into this big issue.
I think I might relate to that in a way. It might be sort of like how I haven't liked when guys ever wanted to seriously take me out for a typical dinner date. Cuddling while watching a movie and then saying "I love you", just seems like such a nauseatingly trite situation to me, like getting dressed up and sitting in a fancy restaurant with candles and a jazz/lounge musician. I just feel like I'm expected to act out whatever I've seen on TV, and it makes me want to laugh, it's like if someone in all serious did the "yawn-and-stretch" thing at the movies. And I never saw what was so romantic about sitting there daintily shoveling overpriced food into your mouth. And then they might be like "well I would still like to some time, but I'll try to do some things you say you like to do" and they they climb a tree or something, lmao. But by then everything feels really unnatural and forced. Maybe I'm just socially awkward, or maybe I just didn't like him enough. Either way I just felt really awkward and shy. I don't know how I'd react if I was both infatuated and comfortable with them.creager91 said:
I try to be like this, but sometimes the confusing thing is figuring out exactly what those precautions should be, and what exactly being decent is. That is, if you're talking about precautions against breaking someone's heart (I realised you could be talking about sex-related precautions against pregnancy and all that, haha). I had the impression it was okay to flirt with a few guys at once because I was honest about it and the fact that I didn't want a relationship any time soon (fairly early on), but I ended up hurting them so I can't help but feel I went wrong somewhere. I don't think it was nice of me, despite trying to make them feel good about themselves at the time (they all had things to complain about, I seem to be drawn to that insecure type for some reason).InterAirplay said:
So, I think for those people you sort of like but not enough to be in a relationship with, or even are infatuated with but aren't sure about yet, there are a few things that should be avoided. Something I decided is that it was stupid to act jealous about something if I'm not wanting to be in a relationship with them, I have no right to act possessive over something I won't claim. And obviously telling them you love them when you won't commit, unless they can obviously see not to take it literally due to context, isn't a good idea. It's just the small things that are hard to figure out sometimes, like whether or not to hug them just that little bit longer or to say they're adorable when they have low self-esteem, or to admit you like them a little. I don't know the difference between trying to be nice and just cruelly leading them on sometimes.
I don't know...
I mean, I'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend and if I could I'd stay with him for the rest of my life. But the idea of being properly married or in a civil union or w/e we're calling it here now...that terrifies the living shit out of me!
I mean, I'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend and if I could I'd stay with him for the rest of my life. But the idea of being properly married or in a civil union or w/e we're calling it here now...that terrifies the living shit out of me!
Heck yeah, I'm afraid of commitment because I'm defenseless while in a straitjacket, and I don't know what's in those syringes until I'm about to go unconscious.
Joke aside, yes. I am afraid of commitment because I'm very much paranoid and distrustful with others. How would I know if the lady I'm with isn't using me as a mere convenience while she's juggling other dudes? The same can be said about me, but because my social ineptitude level is so high there's literally no way I can lie about that.
Edit: I've never been in a relationship and it may never happen due to my mental instability.
Joke aside, yes. I am afraid of commitment because I'm very much paranoid and distrustful with others. How would I know if the lady I'm with isn't using me as a mere convenience while she's juggling other dudes? The same can be said about me, but because my social ineptitude level is so high there's literally no way I can lie about that.
Edit: I've never been in a relationship and it may never happen due to my mental instability.
I dont have much experience with relationships but Ive found that for me its hardly worth it (even the sex side of things)
I dont know its like having somone invading your personal space 24/7 (or for however long they insist on hanging around) its weird but I feel like Id rather go back to my computer
also emotionally Im a little bankrupt (I may have a valid reason..kinda) I mean In regards to it all, I just dont feel anything...and romace pisses me off (ugghh I hate it how they call you Babe I just fucking hate it)
I dont know its like having somone invading your personal space 24/7 (or for however long they insist on hanging around) its weird but I feel like Id rather go back to my computer
also emotionally Im a little bankrupt (I may have a valid reason..kinda) I mean In regards to it all, I just dont feel anything...and romace pisses me off (ugghh I hate it how they call you Babe I just fucking hate it)
I can't really say that I was ever truely afraid of commitment (though I pretended to be) it's more that I never really wanted commitment (and used afraid as an excuse)
But I believe, and I've experienced, that that can fully change when you find that someone special. And I know I'm going to sound cheesy, but it's true. It was weird, I found myself actually caring what she thinks of me. Then I found myself smiling every time I think of her. Then I found myself thinking of her a lot. Then I found myself unwilling to be without her. And before I knew it, I was thinking of spending the rest of my life with her. I don't know how but suddenly not being committed to her became unimaginable
But I believe, and I've experienced, that that can fully change when you find that someone special. And I know I'm going to sound cheesy, but it's true. It was weird, I found myself actually caring what she thinks of me. Then I found myself smiling every time I think of her. Then I found myself thinking of her a lot. Then I found myself unwilling to be without her. And before I knew it, I was thinking of spending the rest of my life with her. I don't know how but suddenly not being committed to her became unimaginable
I'm also going to throw out there that I tell all the girls that I talk to that they should talk to more guys than just me because I care about them and like hanging out with them and I like cuddling up and doing what we do but I'm just not the commitment type. I tell them that I don't mind if they talk to other guys and if they want to commit to those guys they should go for it because I really wont be mad and I say if things don't work out you can go ahead and give me a call and we can go right back to where we started. I like to think of my self as kind of like an interim boyfriend until they find a real one....does that make as much sense as I hoped it would?