Are you afraid of Commitment?

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Pariah87

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Amberella said:
1. Past Relationships - If you have ever been in a relationship that has gone horribly wrong, then you know that it can change your opinion on all relationships. You know that when you first went into that past relationship, you went in happy and then you came out miserable. When a new relationship presents itself, you can't help but think, "Do I really want to do that again?".

2. Control - Most commitments require some sort of compromise and this can feel like a loss of control. A lot of people like to have full control over their lives and don't want to give even the tiniest bit of control to another person. This fear of losing control can stem from other issues.
A little bit of number 1 but mostly number 2, you've hit me nail right on the head there. Despite at times being desperately lonely and have gone without the "affections" of the opposite gender for so long I'd happily have a one nighter with any female which approached me, the idea of "sharing" my life fills me dread.

This could come from watching my brother in his relationship, or friends in theirs but I've noticed being with someone means you have to include them in the things you do. Worse than that, you have to include yourself in things THEY do. My time is my time, I gave up virtually everything for someone once (I'm talking my education, thousands of pounds, nearly my family and most of my friends) because I believed we were in love. I believed she was worth it. I let my feelings for someone control my actions and as a result the rest of my life will be a shadow of what it could have been. I'll be damned if I let anyone get close enough again for me to warrant straying away from the path I wish to go down. Seriously, if I was attractive enough to be able to pick up one nighters then that is what I would do, I don't want to be commited to anyone as it would mean compromising the salvaging of my future.

I'll sleep when I want to sleep, watch what movies I want to watch, get the job I want, live where I want and everyone else can sod off. Rant over, bloody sleep deprivation -.-
 

Gekkeiju

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I think I probably am afraid. I was in a long term serious relationship that I thought would never end, but instead went badly wrong and i ended up in councilling. He went all psycho on me after we broke up and i went to uni because I didnt want to talk to him much anymore and now Im afraid that any other relationship I have will just go the same way, but maybe after a longer period of time. Im also afraid of meeting someone now who I deem to be the 'one'. I feel like im too young to only kiss/sleep with one person ever again.
Thats a scary thought :(
 

The Afrodactyl

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I get called a player all the time, which I really don't get, cause I've had three girlfriends in the last four years....

Anyways, back on topic, I am not afraid of commitment.

What I am scared of is introducing my gf to my parents. I don't want her to die from all the concentrated crazy that's floating around in my house D:
 

The Afrodactyl

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Callate said:
I'm about to celebrate my 11th wedding anniversary.
Awww.... Congrats, good sir. May you be blessed with many, many more years of agreeable existence with your spouse :)
 

creager91

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So i think after a little more research on commitment phobia I'm not a commitment phobe and I actually just enjoy being a player. But apparently commitment phobia is when the one thing you want above all else IS a relationship but when you get close to someone you get so afraid of rejection or mistrust or any number of reasons that you sabotage yourself with fear and what not. well since i don't really want a relationship I guess thats where I believe I might just be a player haha
 

Drake_Dercon

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Totally the reverse. I'm afraid of non-commitment, which is pretty weird for a guy and probably why I'm lonely right now.

I can see how someone could be my opposite, though. It's all psychology and expectations, a field I have neglected to study adequately so I couldn't try to explain more than that.

Most of the escapist would probably know better than me anyway.

Edit: Actually I'm much too good at not sabotaging things. I won't get paranoid if I'm relatively secure. It's that getting to the secure part that's kind of hard. Especially when I'm not nearly daring enough to risk self-sabotage.
 

Ambi

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InterAirplay said:
In the end, I would put that down to communication (although I'm probably over-simplifying) - "I'm flirting with a few guys right now" straight from the off, and if that's not what they want then consider what YOu want. if it's them, then make adjustments. It can be very hard to figure it out and leading people is startlingly easy to do, as you've made out. In the end, people should really just be mindful of how other people see them and/or feel, and keep the lines of communication as wide open as possible - 100% honesty.

Anyway, to side-track for a bit, I remember hearing about this despicable private investigations firm who deal specifically with cheating husbands. When you get to the point where you're considering using a private detective, something has gone very badly wrong in your relationship a long time ago, and it probably should have ended back then. Not really related.
That's probably it, thanks. I can't remember how I worded this or that seeing as it's been about a year, but I'll keep it in mind. I really don't want to get into a situation like it again. It was also probably partially bashfulness, it kind of says "I like you so much I'm really nervous around you".

As for the hire-a-stalker thing, I think those wives just want the sadistic and smug pleasure of being able to say "I TOLD YOU SO! I BET YOU'RE SORRY NOW!!" besides that, there's not much point in it. Whether he gets found out or not, it's still a demented thing to do. I guess they'd want to make sure their accusations were true and everything, but if there's that much distrust anyway, gtfo.

Idk, I think it's easy to say all this when I'm not in an uncomfortable situation. Stupid emotions.
 

armadillo122

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Feb 4, 2011
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Really? You went through all this trouble, created this thread, only to tell us taht you are a player?
 

zen5887

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Everything I wanted to say was said by @InterAirplay but better.

Its not that I'm afraid of commitment, I just don't want to make one right now, but I'm 20, so yeah..

Having said that, I have got a pretty great thing going on with a girl I met while I was in Vancouver. So if I was closer, shit would be different.
 

creager91

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armadillo122 said:
Really? You went through all this trouble, created this thread, only to tell us taht you are a player?
Haha i know you see it that way and it gave me a nice little laugh when i saw your post and in my head i thought "damn, it probably does seem like that now haha" but what you guys didnt see is that after reading what people posted on here I decided to look into what commitment phobia actually is (it IS a real phobia) and I believe that I used to have it but then I just started having cynical views about relationships in general maybe it was a defense mechanism idk but I guess I'm sorry if I came off like I just wanted to brag or some shit like that
 

Ambi

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InterAirplay said:
There's a part of my conscience screaming "Don't let this person take advice from me!" seriously, I'm not exactly a veteran in the field. Fuck, I'm 18. I shouldn't have a clue what I'm saying, so don't go by my advice, or I'll feel guilty if something goes wrong. =P
Yes, you should feel terribly guilty if something goes wrong. If it does, I'm going to send you a message just to berate you and demand compensation for that faulty piece of advice you gave me out of the kindness of your own heart. =P

I don't know, I probably won't have to worry about it for a while anyway. Also, I'm not sure exactly what advice you're asking me not to follow because surely you weren't thinking "I better warn her, I'm afraid it may be too late, I might have already cultivated honesty and clarity in her heart, and I'm not sure that's a good thing!" Anyway... Thank you.
 

Shycte

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Me and my Girlfriend is celebrating our two year anniversary soon. I don't regret a second of that time.
 

Ambi

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InterAirplay said:
Ambi said:
InterAirplay said:
There's a part of my conscience screaming "Don't let this person take advice from me!" seriously, I'm not exactly a veteran in the field. Fuck, I'm 18. I shouldn't have a clue what I'm saying, so don't go by my advice, or I'll feel guilty if something goes wrong. =P
Yes, you should feel terribly guilty if something goes wrong. If it does, I'm going to send you a message just to berate you and demand compensation for that faulty piece of advice you gave me out of the kindness of your own heart. =P

I don't know, I probably won't have to worry about it for a while anyway. Also, I'm not sure exactly what advice you're asking me not to follow because surely you weren't thinking "I better warn her, I'm afraid it may be too late, I might have already cultivated honesty and clarity in her heart, and I'm not sure that's a good thing!"
yeah, either that or I was thinking "oh shit, I've just given her terrible, godawful advice that I am in no way qualified to give!"
Sorry >_< I should have just said you shouldn't feel guilty. I'm grateful for your reply, anyway. Whether your're qualified or not, your posts always look insightful and well-written.

I probably shouldn't post silly things when I should've been in bed long ago.
 

creager91

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InterAirplay said:
I'm 18, you're 19. Welcome to the club.

We're afraid of commitment? fuck no. Do we want it? fuck no.

Look man, it's natural to play the field a bit, just as long as your polite, respectful, take precations and are being totally honest with these girls. Just live by your standards and be a decent guy about it, and hey presto - you're living like a young man is supposed to. you say you're still a virgin and that you're waiting for the right girl as well, but isn't that sign that you're not afraid of commitment?

Anyway, this whole commitment thing is complete balls. People bang on about relationships like they're the last word in human interaction, but I don't buy that. People always categorize this stuff, you're either a manwhore or a guy who flies through several (apparently "long-term" girlfriends" within a short space of time. If you're just out there doing your thing, that's far more respectable (providing you're being a decent man about it) than trying to force yourself into a relationship with someone, just because society thinks you're obliged to do so as soon as you find them sexually attractive.

No man, you shouldn't be thinking about commitment yet. If you do get a girlfriend and you think she's the right one for you as well, don't take it all too seriously either, y'know? keep a sense of perspective, you're just two youngsters, it's no big deal. Just keep it, as always, respectable and kind.

People are obsessed with commitment because, well, a fair few of them are after some thrilling high that comes with being one with someone else. If you've had at least one girlfriend, you'll know that this really isn't the right way to think about it.

A girl who is sexually compatible as well as a wonderfully close, intimate friend is the best possible person to get into a relationship with, not just some broad (if you'll excuse the sexist parlance) you developed an obsession with. Don't make this stuff bigger than it needs to be and don't live by the imaginary rulebook, because the rulebook is a load of crap. So you're "talking" to several girls at one time? that's totally natural. It'd also be totally natural to get together fuck all of them. It'd be natural for all of you to enjoy it.

Don't let people who are insecure or prudish about sex tell you you're doing something wrong if you go down that path - like I said, precautions and being respectful is paramount, in the end everyone just wants to fuck everyone else and have fun together. Why pretend like this is a bad way of looking at life? It's not like I ever get any and I tend to go for more meaningful interaction, but I wouldn't be bothered if I did or if everyone else is. Why build this shit up to something really big and serious? when you meet someone you know you want to be with, you'll know, don't let your own head bullshit you about a "connection" or any such crap, just see through the fog of your sex drive/emotional needs. are you content being single? if yes, then you're just a well-rounded person who's happy enough with himself. You're not a commitment phobe at all. If you do meet a girl you really want to be with, ask yourself "am I going to spend all my life with this one person? is it a fling? are they on the same page?" too often people get attatched to one another but they know full well it will come to an end, and yet they go about it as if there needs to be "progress" in the relationship, like they need to work towards some sort of goal and become more co-dependent.

You'll know when you meet the right girl, because you'll have no such issue. Some people might tell you that if you don't want to get too involved with someone, that you're a "commitment phobe" and that you have some deep-seated insecurity that you need to work to get over to be with this person. In the end, feelings are very, very hard to understand in full, but it's far more likely that you just don't want to be that involved with someone because you don't feel the right way about them.
Dude I don't think you realize how much this helped me realize it was normal, let put something into perspective for ya I have been the only dude in my group of friends that was single for most of my life and then I went to school and the same thing happened haha but when I went up to school some of my best friends became single and ive kind of had to be their, (ill put in terms of the bro code from How I Met Your Mother cuz that shit is hilarious) but i became their Broda (Bro-Yoda) and taught them and kind of guided them into being my wingmen and now they pretty much do what I do and we have a shit ton of fun but they are back home and I don't see them nearly as much as I'd like to (side story, two weeks ago we all went clubbing with some pornstars we met earlier that day so thats about how awesome my life is with them) and up at school with everyone in a relationship I guess I have too much time by my self to think about shit and my over-analyzing ass lets it get to me

ANYWHO thanks for unknowingly putting things into perspective for me, I guess I need that everynow and again haha
 

creager91

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I'm 18, you're 19. Welcome to the club.*snip*[/quote]

Dude I don't think you realize how much this helped me realize it was normal, let put something into perspective for ya I have been the only dude in my group of friends that was single for most of my life and then I went to school and the same thing happened haha but when I went up to school some of my best friends became single and ive kind of had to be their, (ill put in terms of the bro code from How I Met Your Mother cuz that shit is hilarious) but i became their Broda (Bro-Yoda) and taught them and kind of guided them into being my wingmen and now they pretty much do what I do and we have a shit ton of fun but they are back home and I don't see them nearly as much as I'd like to (side story, two weeks ago we all went clubbing with some pornstars we met earlier that day so thats about how awesome my life is with them) and up at school with everyone in a relationship I guess I have too much time by my self to think about shit and my over-analyzing ass lets it get to me

ANYWHO thanks for unknowingly putting things into perspective for me, I guess I need that everynow and again haha[/quote]

Just remember, never get into a relationship to fill any of your own needs. That, along with keeping it in perspective, is important. I know people who stick with people and have trouble leaving them because they fill a need - one girl I know is in a relationship with a guy, they've both fucked it up completely several times and are totally incompatible and she's said this before, trying to leave him on several occasions because it never happens, yet she sticks with it because she gets along with him and because she likes having someone there. Both of them get fucked over routinely and yet she not only puts up with this due to being them most forgiving person in the world, but actively wants to stick with it despite all the times she's admitted it doesn't work, or that it's wrong, or that she wants out. This will always do more harm than good. Never get into a relationship for your own benefit. Like I said, it's good that you're OK with being single because it's a sign that you're unlikely to get involved with someone because you want them to fill a gap or because you just like the idea of having someone there. Make sure you want them because... well, because you just want them and you get along with them.[/quote]

Haha I know exactly what you mean man I see it all the time, thinkin about hiring myself out as a professional ass hole with the buisness model of "For a few bucks/drinks you can hire a professional asshole to shit talk 1 person of your choice, also does break-ups!" haha