I've done terrible things, things which haunt me, no matter how hard I've tried, I haven't been able to escape them...
Every day I wake up wishing I hadn't, but my life is not mine to take, I have debts to pay, and damnit I will pay them before I die.
Now, am I happy you ask? Well considering my attempts at happiness all ended in either grievous injury or job loss, or both... putting me in a worse position than when I started, no, I am not happy, happiness is ill befitting of the poor, and ill befitting of a monster, therefor I am not happy, nor will I likely ever be.
So yeah, on the plus side my life's been so much of a shitshow that nothing seems capable of suprising me, and I barely feel anything anymore, so it could be worse, the self loathing and the constant emotional stress of having a mind full of nothing but chaotic noise, hateful shouting and a cacophony of screams is kinda... alright, I guess, it doesn't torment me as much as it used to, or maybe I am too used to torment.
But hey, even though my bright spots were short and ended in pain they were worth it, I got to be a cocky, happy-go-lucky chick magnet for about a year, then I woke up and it was all just... there again... So yeah, I wish happiness on others, and I can give a whole whack of advice in a lot of ways, for a lot of things, simply because, yeah, I've been there, unless you want advice on how to spend your millions, and are uninterested in helping those in need, in which case you're on your own.
I've studied people for a long time, I know a lot about human nature, and behavioural patterns, and the effect of perception, I'm quite able to act like I'm happy/content, and make others believe it, even when I really really am not.
Some might say "Seek professional help" I have, out of 4 different "professionals" 3 prescribed medication that made it worse, and one was stumped and even at one point got fed up and said to me that if I didn't want to live, maybe I should just kill myself... yeah, reeeeeaaal helpful.
Now, sure I'm probably going to get a ton of "just kill yourself" responses to this, but even I know that suicide is not an option, I owe too much to too many, and I figure if I'm going to die, it isn't going to be until I at least make sure that my death won't screw over everyone I care about, or if I get run over randomly or shot, but that's not me killing myself, that's incidental death, not like I can control that.