Awful pickup lines

[troth]

I realize that this has probably been done to death but for some reason the search bar isn't working. And I haven't seen a pickup line thread in a while, so here goes.

What is the absolute worst pickup line you have ever heard?
Alternatively: What are some funny pickup line related stories you have heard? It could be you, your friend, your friends friend. Anything.

My pickup lines are:
Let's do some math, OK? You, plus me, minus the clothing, divide the legs, then we multiply.
Are you a penguin? Because I find penguins sexually attractive.
(Warning: The following only works if you are Chuck Norris: Now.
Have you ever wanted a gay best friend? I'm not gay, but feel free to get naked in front of me, I won't mind.
What has two thumbs and likes blowjobs? This guy. ( Pointing to self with thumbs.)
I want to penis you.

Funny story:
I know a guy who used the last one, and he married that woman.

 

[Sir Kemper]

Does this rag smell like chloroform?




...Yes.

Buddy of mine apparently once said that one as a joke, and got himself a punch in the gut.

 

[Griphphin]

"How much does a polar bear weigh? Just enough to break the ice, my name's ______." Used that one once just for the reaction.

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

"Can I have your number? I seem to have lost mine..."

Yeah, that's all I got.

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

At a Harry Potter convention:
Did you just cast expecto petronum? Because my wand is shooting white stuff.

I think I'll stop now.

 

[sansamour14]

" i lost my number can i have yours?"

 

[emeraldrafael]

*stare at the woman for a few minutes, then when she says something you shake your head and say "I'm sorry I was lost in your eyes.

or, are your legs tired, cuase you've been running around my mind all day.

 

[Wylade]

My dick is slightly larger than Kanye West's ego.

I just shit my pants. Can I get in yours?

 

[Sacman]

are you an official?
cause you've officially given me a bonner...

 

[C.G.B.S]

Want to go halves on a baby?

 

[ArchBlade]

I do believe some xkcd worship is in order.

Sorry about that, but I couldn't risk someone else getting to it before me.

 

[deleted20220820]

DELETED

 

[Helmutye]

"If I told you you have a great body, would you hold it against me?"


(Hold up your hand with two fingers sticking out)
You: "You know why you should masturbate with these two fingers?"
Girl: "Why?" (or more typically, stunned silence awaiting the horrible answer)
You: "Because they're MINE!"


"I'm going to be having sex with you tonight, so you might as well be there!"

 

[crudus]

Spoiler: This gets me every time

also my personal favorites not found on XKCD:

Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
Let's bypass all the bullshit and just get naked.
Wanna fuck like bunnies?

 

[Radelaide]

That shirt is very becoming on you. If I was on you, I'd be coming too

 

[The Warden]

Awful Line: Nice clothes you got, but I bet they'd look better on my bedroom floor.

 

[Estocavio]

You look lost; Mind if i give you a lift to my home? Im sure we can figure out some way you could repay me...

 

[LimitedPunctuation]

if you left leg is christmas, and your right leg is easter, could I visit you between holidays?
I lost my teddy, can I sleep with you?
my others have been ninja'd already >_>

 

[Cody211282]

"Want to go back to my place and rescue breathing?"
or
"Damn girl you have some nice veins."

medical pickup lines normally fail hard.