Being Asexual In A Sexual Society

[gl1koz3]

I'm not asexual. I think about it a lot. It sometimes is overwhelming, actually. But... I've got hobbies that are really interesting and that work great as distractions.

It's an inner struggle. I never settle for "kinda", which is a problem, while I'm thinking about it. But saves me in other aspects. If there's a perfectionists disease, I've certainly got it.

For now, I'm fooling myself into a conflict loop.

 

[A Pious Cultist]

Can't sympathize with you there. I'm trisexual.

You're sexually attracted to tricycles? You sick fuck.

Terrible, terrible attempts at humour aside that's a new term for me. I guess I've always just assumed that Bisexualism was as open as a person could go without being attracted to inanimate objects or other species (e.g. pansexual).

 

[Riku'sTwilight]

I think that at the end of the day I see the faults in people from the start, and I believe that if you want to find someone who you want to spend your life with then you should start off believing that they are perfect - I just can't seem to do that.

I wouldn't want someone who's perfect.. Thinking someone is just a perfect person would mean that you consider them to have the best qualities possible. This would mean the person would.. well.. dominate you. I hate to be dominated. I have to be better at the things I find important for myself. In a good love-relationship one completes the other. Just to name one example of mine, I love debating and am celebrated for it where I live. My boyfriend is very insecure in debates and is in general avoiding it if possible. To him, sport is important and he's a much better sportsman than I. The things we are better at are important to us, and I would never want to date someone with the same good qualities as I, not to mention being better at it, as opposed to having different qualities that I would find admirable in someone else. I'm sorry I'm starting to ramble (I can't concentrate, that's another thing that's reverse in my partner). Let me see.. Another, shorter, way of making it clear could be that I am what you can call as a romantic term a 'hunter', when it comes to finding a potential lover, whereas he would be considered 'prey'. God that sounds kind of like rape but I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make. You see, I don't think he's the perfect person.. He's just perfect FOR ME, and he can make me feel like the happiest person in the world, so please reconsider.. Or something..

I get where you're coming from (even if it was a little rambly and also quite funny)
What I meant by that you have to believe someone is perfect (or close to perfect) is that initially in the early stages of a relationship you see them as shiny and new and generally a fantastic person, one who you want to be with.

What I do which is an inherent problem is that I look at someone, whether shiny new or someone i've know for a while and can pretty much tell after a conversation what faults they have which are generally undesirable in a relationship (ie clingy, extroverted/introverted etc) which is a bad thing I know but it's just something I do.

You for example would not have looked at your partner the first time you met him/entered into a relationship with him and gone 'eurgh he's too clingy or he's too loud or he's too quiet for me' people overlook faults to find a match and that is why he is perfect for you, because you have overlooked those faults.

To me when you see the faults in someone, either initially or after a while of being together then that is when problems start to arise simply due to the fact that you can see their niggles which now get on your nerves.

Ever see the How I Met Your Mother episode where they all have little niggles about them and as soon as one of them points it out then all the others realise that too and they all have an argument about how annoying that niggle is. Pretty much that.

 

[Lyx]

What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below

Well, want more kinds of "alien"? Here's my take:

I'm heterosexual. When i'm in a relationship with someone whom i find sexually attractive, i'm very passionate about sex. But at the same time, most people who see me in my daily life would probably get an asexual impression of me - and indeed, in my daily routine i do not care much about all this stuff at all.

A contradiction? Not really. To understand this, it's necessary to differentiate between basic sexual interest, and gender-roles and culture. I couldn't care less about gender and all the "social games" that people play. I also couldn't care less about the propaganda of the media in that regard - i even find it ridiculous, because the popular sexual mentality to me seems so.... obsessive, artificially dumbed-down and parasitary... that it actually turns me off. I'd never want a relationship with someone who is like THAT.

So, the apparent contradication in my sexuality simply comes from:

A) Current social and cultural dogma doesn't match my sexuality.

B) I'm satisfied with myself and don't feel the need to constantly assure my selfvalue, by treating every being of the other sex as potential sexpartner.

 

[Johnny-Natrium]

I get where you're coming from (even if it was a little rambly and also quite funny)
What I meant by that you have to believe someone is perfect (or close to perfect) is that initially in the early stages of a relationship you see them as shiny and new and generally a fantastic person, one who you want to be with.

What I do which is an inherent problem is that I look at someone, whether shiny new or someone i've know for a while and can pretty much tell after a conversation what faults they have which are generally undesirable in a relationship (ie clingy, extroverted/introverted etc) which is a bad thing I know but it's just something I do.

You for example would not have looked at your partner the first time you met him/entered into a relationship with him and gone 'eurgh he's too clingy or he's too loud or he's too quiet for me' people overlook faults to find a match and that is why he is perfect for you, because you have overlooked those faults.

To me when you see the faults in someone, either initially or after a while of being together then that is when problems start to arise simply due to the fact that you can see their niggles which now get on your nerves.

Yes it's something I forgot to mention, maybe. I do see, and have seen, faults in my partner, but these faults or 'generally undesirable aspects' can often make me want him even more. To use one of your examples, he's rather introvert.. I absolutely love the thrill of a chase and I actually would find him a lot less interesting, if he would find it as easy to admit all his feelings for me as I. If he's hard to press for something (why does that look sexual written that way.. If he's.. being difficult about agreeing to do something.. No again not in a rape way, I mean like any activity, sorry I ramble again), I only want it more and more. This can sometimes lead to great tensions, and to let go of all that built up tension in one time (I'm sorry, but I'm not asexual whatsoever), is the greatest kind of extasy I could get in terms of sexual contact. Now, I just thought of something. You are not into sex, which may be the reason that you avoid these tensions, since you cannot find the mutual satisfaction of letting it all go during a wonderful.. shag.. You see what I'm saying? Correct me if you think I'm wrong, or just ask if you don't exactly understand, I ramble..

Edit: Also I could just as well spot faults in people, but the way you do it just sounds like overly critical.. I don't know how much you've evaluated yourself or others, so I'm thinking you might just want to change your way of looking at people or at least allow yourself to look past faults and be less critical.. Im sorry if that sounds superficial.. You may be thinking "Yeah like I didn't think of that.. It's much bigger than that". I don't have a lot of experience with asexuality.. But that's also making this that much more interesting

 

[Lyx]

Edit: Also I could just as well spot faults in people, but the way you do it just sounds like overly critical.. I don't know how much you've evaluated yourself or others, so I'm thinking you might just want to change your way of looking at people or at least allow yourself to look past faults and be less critical.. Im sorry if that sounds superficial.. You may be thinking "Yeah like I didn't think of that.. It's much bigger than that". I don't have a lot of experience with asexuality.. But that's also making this that much more interesting

That however depends on if he is indeed "overcritical", or if possibly most people have serious.... issues, which only become "normal" by popularity. For example, a strong bias towards introversion or extroversion affects a LOT of things... its not just a small isolated something.

 

[the Dept of Science]

A lot of the people here seem to be saying that they are asexual because sex/relationships cause too many problems, which I read as "I would happily enter a relationship/have sex were it nor for the problems that they cause". I think being asexual is a bit more than that, its more that you either have no attraction to either sex or you even find the idea slightly repulsive. I don't enter into gay relationships because I think they would be inconvenient or difficult, but because I am slightly disgusted by the thought of myself participating in gay sex.
I think a more accurate term would be "celibate".

Second thing I'll say to all the people taking the line I mentioned above. Relationships cause problems? OH NOES! Guess what? People have been dealing with those problems for millions of years. Its what growing up is about. Getting a job causes problems, owning a house causes problems, cooking your own food causes problems, going on holiday causes problems. If I didn't want any problems, I could live at my parents house until the latest possible age, collect dole money or get some minimum wage, no responsibility job and spend all my free time in doors by myself. Problems are a part of life, and overcoming them is what living is about.
"I don't want it to end badly" - Do you not get a job in case you get fired? Surely the time you spend with each other should be all that matters, and if you are together for a half decent amount of time then the good times will easily eclipse the bad breakup.
"I'm not good in bed so I won't try it" - Do I even need to point out the number of reasons why this is stupid? Do you think that the people that have a lot of sex were born good at it? Heck, how many of them do you think are good now? The later you leave it to deal with it, the bigger a problem it will be.

 

[Danzaivar]

If you find a woman/man attrative in any way, then your not asexual.

My thoughts exactly. Sounds like you're just more shy than you are horny, OP.

I think what the OP was meaning, was that he found people aesthetically attractive, but does not have the desire to have sex with them. Its like thinking that someone is beautiful, but that does not necessarily mean that that view of beauty stems from sexual attraction. Aesthetic and Sexual attraction hold different meanings.

I dunno, when I like a girl I tend to just want to be with them or around them. Sex is just an added bonus. There's probably people out there who think "I want to get with her, I want to hit that." as their major goal, but don't really get that myself.

And I wouldn't classify myself as asexual.

 

[Johnny-Natrium]

That however depends on if he is indeed "overcritical", or if possibly most people have serious.... issues, which only become "normal" by popularity. For example, a strong bias towards introversion or extroversion affects a LOT of things... its not just a small isolated something.

If you mean that he may have a strong bias towards introversion or extraversion, affecting his way of considering people more deeply than just being critical, then yes, I've thought of that, but I didn't think that this was a major trait of his. It was just mentioned among some 'generally undesirable aspects'. I do not at all agree with it being undesirable, though. My partner is introvert, which is ideal for me.

Edit: And I've adressed the issue by saying how his lack of sexual interest would make certain aspects of people a lot less desirable to him, since the sex is part of what can make those aspects desirable (build up tension, release...).

 

[Lyx]

If you mean that he may have a strong bias towards introversion or extraversion...

Nope, i meant it the other way around: That the people which he considers may among other things have a strong intro-/extroverted bias. I mention this aspect, because in the OP he considered those features which he does not like, and that IS very in line with his "asexual" attitude (gender roles have a lot to do with intro- and extroversion... ignoring tasks, one could probably reduce "manly" to "introverted" and "feminine" to "extroverted")

 

[Private Custard]

I messed about when I was younger, but have since lost all interest in pursuing any sort of relationship, sexual or emotional. I just don't have the mental stability to deal with it at the moment. To sacrifice this tiny piece of melting-ice that I call my emotional foothold, just for a meaningless (probably unadventurous and probably quite dull) fuck with someone would be pretty stupid. I am attracted to women, just not enough to bother going through the whole dating palava.

I've aired my views in previous asexuality threads, but never said how long I've been like this. Well, it's now been 13 years since I was drunk enough to consider sex a good idea, before waking up in the wet spot with a serious hangover and realising it was just time wasted.

Besides, I don't plan on being around in ten years time, so it'd be unfair on someone :/

 

[Johnny-Natrium]

If you mean that he may have a strong bias towards introversion or extraversion...

Nope, i meant it the other way around: That the people which he considers may among other things have a strong intro-/extroverted bias. I mention this aspect, because in the OP he considered those features which he does not like, and that IS very in line with his "asexual" attitude (gender roles have a lot to do with intro- and extroversion... ignoring tasks, one could probably reduce "manly" to "introverted" and "feminine" to "extroverted")

Well then yes that's kind of exactly what I said, right? How he's not into sex, which would make certain aspects undesirable for him. With the whole tension build up and release thing as an example.. Or perhaps as the focus..

 

[Kenni-chan]

It's kind of hard for me answer to this. I respect you for being so mature about it and knowing how you roll. My best...I think he might be asexual but I love him soo much I never want him to be deflowered >.<

Persoanlly I found the person I'm so blissfully happy with, and I'll admit it we have sex quite a bit, but every time we do I feel so much more bonded to him ^_^ , he's everything to me and I feel so close to him, because when you are busy doing the deed you are very vunerable.

and we ll in a shithole town like mine what you do, you do a lot, though that is no proper reason.

 

[Daffy F]

HURR HURR GAAAAYY!! [Reads OP] ErHEM.
Sorry about that. Yes, I've seen some other people on here who are Asexual, but I myself am not. I am heterosexual and have a Girlfriend.

 

[Woodsey]

There's a suspect amount of asexuals on the Escapist; if anything I suspect it to be like a couple of years ago where everybody and their dog was bi.

 

[Ironic Pirate]

I think I'm the same way. I have fetishes and such, but any kind of contact beyond hugging is too much. It's really weird, because as a teenager, all my classmates are talking about sex, and I don't care at all.

So normal porn does nothing for me. Only thing that "works" so to speak, is certain fetish related stuff, which I won't say unless anyone asks.

 

[Thaius]

I am not asexual, but I do believe that sex is an important thing that our society has perverted and devalued in horrible ways. Meaning that though I cannot identify with the lack of sexual desire, I really appreciate your stance on the issue. Especially the bit about teenagers being socially and culturally driven to have sex before they may be physically or emotionally ready for it. Amazing how, if we want to do something we're not ready for, we'll simply justify it by saying it's really not that important, huh?

 

[Erana]

I am truely asexual. As in, some of my hormones are mucked up, and I have hormone sensitivity issues.
I have never been infatuated with anyone, any thing, or any action.

I agree that we're an oversexualized culture, especially when it comes to relationships. I mean, for God's sake, why is it that people seem to believe that every relationship between two people, if it grows stronger with time, will inevitably wind up with sex or romance?
OK, not always, but I hear this sentiment all too often. I've seen people on the Escapist post that a relationship between a man and a woman is just the early stages of the man getting into the woman's pants. Its downright stupid.

 

[Continuity]

...

By your definition I'm asexual too, but I'd never refer to myself as such because "asexuality" is often the refuge of those who can't get laid. Personally I'm an introvert and I value my personal space greatly, sex is great but for an introvert like me its the reserve of serious relationships and to be frank I'd rather hammer my genitals with a mallet than have a serious relationship, basically just because I'm self centred and I don't want to have to think about or make concessions to someone else.