Riku said:
I've been meaning to write a serious discussion here for some time, and now this is the topic I've chosen.
If you don't know what Asexuality is then Cambridge Dictionaries defines it as "having no interest in sexual relationships" which pretty much sums it up in my own experience.
This post is about me, being asexual in a world/society which seems to be overly sexualised these days. Just to be clear, i'm heterosexual, but I'm also asexual which means that I like women, I can find them attractive, both in personality and in physical form but I do not want to sleep with any woman (and before people say it, no i'm not gay so don't even bother suggesting that I like men).
Anyway I find it hard sometimes when sex is all around us, being pushed in our faces and down our throats and it's even worse when teenagers feel the need to have sex way before they may be physically and emotionally ready, purely just to 'fit in' with the others.
I find it hard because I don't want to do any of this so called 'social norm' and don't actively chase anybody anymore (I used to, but since I have discovered that I am asexual I do not bother anymore) or I don't try to hit on women in bars or clubs.
My friends purely think that I've given up, but I do not wish to tell them that I am asexual, mainly because I do not know anyone else with asexuality as their sexual preference and so they may find it weird that I am.
I don't see my lifestyle as a problem, on the contrary I think it's a blessing. I love being single, purely due to the large amount of money I have free to do what I want with, whereas my friends who are either married (both with and without kids) or those in a relationship (again both with and without kids) always seem to have very little free money floating around.
Above may seem a shallow view, but it is in my experience true; those with marital or relationship commitments a) do not seem to be as long term happy with a partner and b) are always living on the borderline money-wise.
What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below
I find your post intriguing. I have entertained similar thoughts and would like to share my conclusion, perhaps it may be of use to you.
I?ve had 1 sexual relationship, at the age of 15, it lasted for less than a year, and was the result of ?meeting a chick while drunk at a house party?, it was totally random.
The relationship was of great use to me emotionally, and in spending so much time with one person I came to the realization of the inadequacies of my communication skills. I had to constantly apologize and explain myself, which was a frustrating exercise, as clearly my actions did not reflect my intent. It was like learning to walk, first you must crawl.
Sex in this relationship was new and exciting, it was new to both of us, and it was a celebration for each of us for finding someone that felt so ?right?. We were great together, intellectually stimulating, creatively stimulating, we had so much in common yet were so different. It was a valuable experience.
Eventually sex became a mechanical hunger, an ?IF x THEN y? situation. The relationship collapsed very soon after this, as communication about the proverbial elephant in the room was nonexistent.
This experience hurt me, and has taught me to distrust sex. I never want to go through that mechanical empty sex ever again, the memory has been soul destroying.
This girlfriend is now my most trusted friend. We have a relationship that is clearly non-sexual, and have been friends for the past 5 years.
During this time she has gone through many relationships that have each failed, and I have had no relationships. During each of her relationships I would back away to give her space, and to hide away from feelings such as jealousy and regret. I aim to change this for the next cycle, instead taking an active roll to make sure she does not suffer from the same mistakes again, but I digress.
If, somewhere down the line, we were to get physically close again (If that ?territory? was seen as safe). I would be fearful, I would be afraid of sex. Sex is something that scarred me, so naturally I would want to avoid it. But I know something now that I didn?t know then. I KNOW HER. I have known her for more than 5 years, and she has known me. If we reached a situation that could potentially turn sexual, she would see my reservation, my shyness. And I would be able to say what was on my mind. She would hear me out.
So I find myself asexual, in that I do not entertain serious thoughts of sex, I do not seek a sexual partner, and any relationship that would form between myself and anyone else would be instantly labelled as ?friend?, nothing more, nothing less. It is a simplistic view aided by my quiet introspective nature (some would say I?m not very approachable, I?d say I?m reserved).
It?s worked so far, and I hope that someday in the future I can sit down and share my thoughts and feelings with someone as an equal, treated as a damaged individual rather than a lost boy.
Although I would say that I am currently asexual, once the barrier of fear is confronted I will be ready for a sexual relationship. But in both cases (in a sexual relationship and outside asexually) I approach sex the same, cautiously and with purpose.
TLDR; I'm asexual from fear. Remove fear and I'm back to a regular, considerate, sensitive, if somewhat timid human being. Sex isn't a drive for me, I see it as result of something much greater - a strong relationship.
