Being cheated on

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owned by another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

I always thought that, if you were going to be in an actual relationship with someone beyond mere sex, it would be hard to become emotionally invested in them if you're basically sharing it between a bunch of other people, making none of them particularly special.

And I mean, I couldn't blame anyone for feeling unnerved if they found out they were just their partner's "bit on the side" or just another plaything. I mean, it works for casual sex, but not for mature relationships.

I don't want to be "that guy", but after a while, if you're just moving from one girl to the next without any real connection beyond genitalia-juggling, you'd start to get bored, wouldn't you?

I suppose I'm just incapable of seeing that point of view. I become emotionally invested in plenty of people. I say unhesitatingly and without reservation that I love my friends and family... but sex is not part of love, at least as far as I'm concerned. It's about as emotional as a game of ping-pong.

The bits where you throw around terms such as "mature relationships" and "real connection" as though any relationship worth the name has to involve romance and possible sex shows that you and I could never see eye-to-eye on this matter. I would see you as brainwashed, you would see me as either an alien or a liar.

Suffice to say, our culture says you're correct in your assessment, and I say our culture is very, very wrong... that we've warped human relations into something completely unnatural. That disgusts me.

Non-captcha solve thingy: "one way".
indeed.

 

[Altorin]

my relationships tend to overlap. it's shameful, but that's just the way it is. I'm not strong enough to end it when I need to. I don't tend to linger with my soon to be ex after it starts it's just an excuse to get out of a bad relationship.

 

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

 

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

Well if they couldn't leave that would be problematic, I agree. But pretty sure most people have more than a single relationship in their lives nowadays, not a single one they're stuck in forever. 50 years ago, idk, probably harder to deal with. But it makes more sense to look at how it is now.

It certainly makes a little bit more sense now, but it still comes down to some people developing an unhealthy obsession, while others lie and use to get laid. I avoided becoming one of the latter types by just being honest about it. I'd say in that respect, my personality type is common but my approach is uncommonly ethical.

 

[Oro44]

I had a thing with a girl who was with another guy. It never got to actual sex, but stuff did happen. Thing is, he found out and was ok with it. Not entirely sure what to make of that. I've always had a flirtatious attitude towards the girls I know, but that's the only time I actually caved when the attitude was reciprocated. I don't necessarily feel bad about what happened, but it's still something I wouldn't do again.

 

[loc978]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

but it still comes down to some people developing an unhealthy obsession, while others lie and use to get laid.

Unhealthy obsession?

Something we're trained for from a young age. The common thread of "true love" in stories being shoved down our throats until we absolutely expect our lives to turn out the way the story does. It essentially causes people to construct an ideal mate, and then project that construct onto a person (who may have a few surface similarities to the ideal, but of course isn't that made-up ideal). To see this in action, you pretty much just have to look at almost any hard break-up.

 

[Oro44]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owning another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

It doesn't imply ownership when they're free to leave and the exact same obligation is expected of each person. That'd be like saying they own each other.

being free to leave is a very new concept, in terms of social acceptance. Look back even 50 years in human history and you encounter quite literal ownership in "relationships".
It's getting better. Slowly. For example... I'm not completely socially ostracized for my view on the matter, at least outside of religious circles.

but it still comes down to some people developing an unhealthy obsession, while others lie and use to get laid.

Unhealthy obsession?

Something we're trained for from a young age. The common thread of "true love" in stories being shoved down our throats until we absolutely expect our lives to turn out the way the story does. It essentially causes people to construct an ideal mate, and then project that construct onto a person (who may have a few surface similarities to the ideal, but of course isn't that made-up ideal. To see this in action, you pretty much just have to look at almost any hard break-up.

I'll agree with this. I know a girl who is a hopeless romantic in the extreme. She dives head first into relationships, always thinking that it's "the one". Being an idealist can be poison to a relationship. Hell, I could even forgive minor "transgressions", I've been there, I know how things can snowball out of control. I think an "ideal" relationship is just the opposite of that word. Seeing your partner as human and not an "ideal" is how to make a relationship last.

 

[Jinxzy]

I've been cheated on about two times, the first was an on/off relationship. I don't really know if you can call it cheating but it's still kind of messed up. He came back to me saying that I was the one for him. After a few month or so his friend told me about his plan. He was actually getting married to another girl and needed more money for the wedding, he was basically trying to get my money and leave. When confronted he called me plenty of names and didn't leave with a dime.

The second time was....different. We were friends that turned into a relationship. Everything was going smooth for a few month till sexual activities were brought up. I wasn't interested in the things he wanted so there really wasn't any sexual content going on between us. After about a month I stop by his apartment and let myself in with the key he gave me. He just moved in a few weeks ago and I offered to stop by and help clean and unpack. When I walked into the bedroom he was, lets just say he packing another dude. I dropped the key on the floor turned around and left.

OT: Cheaters will always be cheaters, if you forgive them most take advantage of it and keep cheating. They really don't deserve a second chance if they can't respect you.

 

[Saviordd1]

I'll be honest, I cheated on a girl before. Yeah, I'm that kinda Dbag.

None the less it was sure as hell an eye opener, and she never forgave me fully (still hasn't)

I have never cheated on anyone like that again.

 

[EPIC_MAN_OF_BACON]

Never cheated on no one, been accused multiple times. the thing about it is that all been the same girl, my wife now Its because she was abused by passed bfs (one actually broke one of her ribs) to the point where she was a broken girl. the rib and the fact she DID get drunk at a party and got used by a drunk guy... a year before we meet.

At first she kept it from me, and when a friend of hers spilled the beans i asked her about it. she cried so hard and confused everything. she promised me she has never drunk a single drop of alcohol since, and she cried and screamed for me to forgive her.

being a christen man (and having converted her) i was rather shocked at this, and quite betrayed she would hide this from me, and disappointed that i wasn't her first time...

But then i looked at her sobbing, and what can i say, i loved her (still do), and simply said, "It was before you meet me, you were a reckless party girl that knew nothing of god. You have obviously repented, meaning i am in no position to judge or to forgive, for there is nothing to forgive" she looked at me and said but i should've told you, you had a right to know, you were always talking about how you liked that i was a virgin, and i wasn't, i'll never forgive myself!

Me, i just kissed her, "No need, I still love you, i'm not mad. Really i'm not"
Year later we were married and 8 months after that we have a baby boy.

Moral (and relevance to the original post) it does depend on the situation and tone. she didn't cheat on me, i didn't cheat on her, but she kept a very important secret from me, and it still bothers me (but not enough to where i leave her, i mean that's dumb), but i know she wont do it again just by how vehemently she begged. if he said, "Hey. i cheated on you" then that's probably grounds to dismiss him and kick his a-hole outta the room, but he begged and sniffled in forgiveness, then wth keep him, but keep him on a leash.
i'm 24 years old, married my high school sweet heart form 10th grade, been together for a solid 9 years with a child and a home life gets better girl, always does