Being cheated on

[EPIC_MAN_OF_BACON]

If you love more than one person that's polygamy and banned in a lot of places.

Actually, polygamy is marrying more than one person. Loving (and/or being in a relationship with) more than one person is polyamory and is generally not banned, although the legal consequences can be complicated due to polygamy being illegal and there being certain rights that are usually granted by marriage.

sorry i has the autism , that's what i meant

 

[LevROLL]

I don't understand the problem.
So you have sex with somebody else, what's the problem?

Nothing was lost, why would anyones opinion change?

Sometimes I eat apples, but then I might have an orange, why should that mean that I have somehow betrayed the apples and should never eat apples again? But the act of doing one thing apparently means that another can no longer be done, why?

I can see absolutely no logical reason for restricting yourself to having sex with only one person, no natter what the situation.
I find people who complain about cheating annoying... If somebody cheats on you, what have you lost? nothing. If they don't like you anymore, that's not because they cheated, that's why they cheated, and they were perhaps worried they'd hurt your feelings if they just broke up with you suddenly. Whatever the reason, its not the fact that they cheated that caused any problem.
Breaking up with somebody because they've cheated means the relationship failed because of your intolerance, because you shouldn't be affected at all.

Furthermore, it's just as ridiculous to believe that people are only capable of loving one person.

I really can not see a reason as to why people are so weird about this stuff... what is the problem?
I have an Xbox, Wii, DS, PSP and a PC... I use them all...
I shop at Tesco, Morrisons, Asda and sometimes M&S.
I'm friends with Danny, Clancey, Rory and Jane...
Is any of that wrong? Do any of those abandon me because the others are around, no.
Then why can I not have sex with several people? Why am I incapable of loving several people?
In no way can explain it to myself.

Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone, mostly for a myriad of psychological problems that can and will develop down the road. It breaks the trust of your partner, you begin suspecting other partners that you have in future, if the person who you're cheating with finds out it destroys their trust of you and possibly any other person. Friends/family may hate you for a long time and you will probably deal with depression.

This is exactly what I'm talking about...
Why should cheating cause psychological problems when it doesn't even involve them? Trust? What if I told my partner in advance I was going to cheat? would that make it ok? I would assume not.
I'd expect a "no.", theyd get a "Why?", and I would get a meaningless "Because it's wrong!" back. "Why?" again... basically, They're getting psychologically damaged by their own intolerance to cheating, when it does nothing to them, my opinion of them hasn't changed... why should anything change? nothing happened to them.

Maybe I see something here that isn't entirely meant to be, but, I feel I must bring attention to two things.

First, we have the line "If somebody cheats on you, what have you lost? nothing. If they don't like you anymore, that's not because they cheated, that's why they cheated..."

Second, we have this line "again... basically, They're getting psychologically damaged by their own intolerance to cheating, when it does nothing to them, my opinion of them hasn't changed..."

Correct me if I am wrong, but this should mean that if someone is considered to be "cheating" then their opinion of the person they have cheated on may have in fact been altered. Even if such a thing is so insignificant as a change from "I like this person" to "Eh, not so much."

That's just what I think. Also, I think I may have gathered that you may have some tendencies toward polyamory/polygamy, and, as I understand it, polygamy/polyamory has some sort of implicit communication between all parties that "cheating" isn't an issue. This leaves me a bit confused as to your use of the word. Feel free to comment or correct me as to your opinions or views on this.

On topic, I don't exactly have much experience with relationships. I suppose what one should do in this situation is entirely dependent upon how one feels about this action. If one's partner has cheated, then this implies a violation of trust and should likely be treated as such. If one sees this as a more minor and workable infraction, I am inclined to suggest that one should get their head checked for possible dependency issues. This is not to say, of course, that one cannot work around such things, simply that it is likely it will not work out regardless.

 

[ToastyMozart]

So, my boyfriend cheated on me. He confessed to it, which I suppose makes it easier than discovering the truth yourself.

I could go into more detail, but I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking for people's views on, and personal experiences with, infidelity.

I figure it's a good a topic for a thread as any, and I could gain something useful from it, I suppose.

I say that you should probably end the relationship softly. Odds are, even if he stays faithful for the rest of his life, there will always be that doubt eating at the back of your mind, wondering if he is really being honest.

I'm not going to lie, I'm definitively not an expert on the subject of relationships, but I'm not sure I would want to carry that doubt over an extended relationship.

 

[WaReloaded]

My ex-fiancée cheated on me with a good friend. What's worse is that she had no intention of me ever finding out, before I knew, we went on a vacation (which turned out to be the worst of my life) to Cowes in Philip Island. The majority (95% or thereabouts) of the trip was paid for by myself, I took her out to dinner, I booked out the entire restaurant, too. I even had a bottle of expensive Merlot placed in the mini-fridge every night so that the two of us could enjoy it, looking out at the beautiful beach. I left a few days early because I couldn't stand the distance, and then a few days later I found out she'd cheated on me and used me for the vacation. And that's barely the start of it all...

I didn't articulate myself overly well just then, but oh well. I dream about her every night, in the dreams it's as if nothing negative ever happened, I'm utterly content with life again, only to awaken and realise that I'm alone and miserable.

 

[Insomniac55]

-snip-

I... Uh... You.... What?! Have you ever even *been* in a relationship?

I can't help but think you're trolling, but assuming you're not I'll try to get this through to you.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex. Nor with having multiple sexual partners. Getting involved with someone with the express purpose of having an 'open' relationship (with your partner knowing this from the start, and accepting it) is fine. The only people that would argue otherwise are people who think sex for the sake of sex is immoral. However, this by definition is *not* cheating. It's casual sex, and that's ok.

Cheating is an enormous betrayal, it fucks people around and for good reason. The point of a committed relationship isn't for sex, it's for the companionship and love you get to feel for an individual. It's knowing you can trust them with anything, that you come before anyone else, that they can't get that type of emotional bond with anyone else.

Believing a relationship is meaningful and then discovering your partner has been lying to you and seeing someone else without your knowledge or consent... What do you think that does to someone? Luckily for me I've never experienced it, but I can only imagine how I'd feel if my current girlfriend cheated on me.

Your Xbox, PS3 and Wii example is... well, it shows you completely miss the point. Unlike a games console,a boyfriend or girlfriend is not something to be simply used for your entertainment. You don't owe a PS3 anything. If you decide to jump platforms to an XBOX, it doesn't care. It's *unable* to care. However, you DO owe a partner on so many levels. You owe it to them to be honest, caring, and to show them the same respect they show to you. To think otherwise, that you can just stroll along and fuck the next pretty little thing you lay your eyes on and to think your partner should be OK with that... Well, it's an enormously childish and incredibly self centred way to think.


/rant

Anyway, I've long decided that if I was ever cheated on, that's it for the relationship. I'd move on and find someone worth my time, because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to trust someone who'd cheated on me, and without trust there's no point having a relationship.

 

[Sexy Devil]

Aww, and people like you are the reason cheating is considered a bad thing, and polygamy is considered abnormal. Isn't it nice when we all get to know each other?

Nobody cares if you do it, just establish those boundaries immediately. If your significant other is under the impression that you're being exclusive when you're not then you're just being a dick.

 

[game-lover]

I also feel like speaking more of my views. I've learned two things.

One... Among the many reasons I don't want to have children is so that I don't get stuck with a cheating partner. None of that staying for the kids bull shit. If I dump someone who cheated on me, all ties will be severed. SEVERED.

Two:

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

You are the type of person I would never date. Yes, I'd never realize this fact until after we'd been together for a while but as soon as we started chatting about our past relationships, I'd dump you in a heartbeat.

Provided you didn't cheat on me first. Then I would just make sure I'd ruin your life. Better hope the chick you slept with wasn't a coworker. Because HR is gonna be the first to know.

And suchity such.

 

[Strain42]

Honestly, I just don't put up with it. If a girl wants to cheat, she can go be with that guy. I'm not going to put up with trying to fix a problem that she caused that could have easily been avoided.

I admit, I say that now, and I've even acted on that. It's much easier to say that when you're young and things are casual, but I do worry about how I'll handle it when I'm married with kids. Would I react the same way now when I'm happily married? I'd like to think in that scenario I'd work harder to get at the root of the problem.

But right now, as far as I'm concerned, if you're with me and you want to sleep with someone else. Go right ahead. Just don't expect me to stick around.

 

[game-lover]

Honey, Hookah don't give a fuck.

Don't give a fuck if you do or not.

Your only purpose was to serve as my example.

 

[Waaghpowa]

She cheated on my with my best friend at the time, and tried to make out to be my fault.

My solution, don't bother getting involved. I'm one of those guys who goes years without a relationship due to several reasons.

1) I'm not the social type, meaning I'm not much for "going out". Generally when I do go out, it's with one of two friends, never groups. I hate groups. By no means does this mean I have no social skills, I have very good social skills, I just don't like people much. So you can imagine how infrequently a relationship could occur with me.

2) I don't give a shit enough to look for a relationship most of the time.

3) I live in a town where the woman are all apparently stupid and will ALWAYS go for the same kind of guy. You know those party douche bags that treat them like crap? Or if you're having trouble creating a mental image, Jersey Shore. Yeah, lots of those around here.

Most recent relationship ended 3 weeks ago because I supposedly wasn't spending enough time with her. The thing is I go to college full time and work part time, I barely have enough time to myself and I tried to make as much time as possible. It ended abruptly, no discussion or talks, no attempt on her end to fix anything. What ticks me off is that I'm going to college, not only to secure my future, but the possibility of being supportive enough to have her in my future. I feel resentful like I was being taken for granted.

Some woman can be incredibly dumb.

 

[Xangba]

No second chances with cheaters is my policy. If they've done it once, they'll do it again. Seriously, how can anyone truly believe that someone who has cheated on them will never do it again?

 

[Syzygy23]

So far as I am concerned, an act of infidelity is, while deplorable, forgivable (at least on its own if other details are ignored). While a person can gladly and willingly offer one's heart and mind exclusively to one other individual, getting the part of the brain controlling baser functions to shut the hell up about the pretty/handsome (wo)man at work and get in line with the rest is... difficult to accomplish for even the most disciplined of human beings. This is unfortunately especially true for us men, we're wired to spread ourselves out, while women are wired to cling to a single partner.

What is unforgivable about such acts in my opinion is lying to your partner, whether about your feelings for them waning, an infatuation for someone else, an infatuation that has been... satisfied with someone else, whatever. Dishonesty is the real relationship killer, and worse still, it can cause a great deal of pain to someone who cares for you.

That argument only works for animals. We're human beings, we have something called "higher cognitive functionality", which means we can consciously over ride our substratal nature. There is no excuse for cheating beyond "Being a Selfish Assclown".

 

[game-lover]

Now who's using people..

*laughs* You're not getting any guilt from me.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I've never cheated or been cheated on. However, I think I could forgive my boyfriend quite easily if he had a one night stand (or even several one night stands) as long as he didn't catch anything. If he were emotionally invested in someone else and was frequently seeing them behind my back, on the other hand, I'd end the relationship. I don't understand why you wouldn't just break up with the first partner rather than awkwardly attempt to juggle two relationships in tandem.

I don't really get why people freak out so much when it comes to cheating and act like it's the worst thing in the world. In a lot of cases it's just sex, and when it's more than that, you can always break up. All this argle bargle my heart was shattered and I'll never be the same stuff is a bit ridiculous. Why is being cheated on worse than being broken up with in the conventional manner?

 

[emeraldrafael]

I think its agood test of hthe relationship. ive been cheated on before, and although we broke up, it wasnt till months after when it more became a distance thing and we realized that the relationship had run its course.

if the partner is honest and understand that it hurts that they did it, I think its fine, but eh cheated party does need to be open to forgiveness and not holds this over their head and in the back of their minds forever.

 

[JoesshittyOs]

I almost got caught up in a situation where I was gonna be the scumbag a few years back. It was the first time I had ever had a 'rough patch' in a relationship, and basically just kinda went along with the "well, it's over anyways".

The girl I almost cheated on with slyly told me that it was a bad idea, and then I felt like crap, and decided that I needed to end the relationship. Went to a dance with the girlfriend at the time (have no idea why I thought that was a good place to end it), and ended up having one of the better nights of my life with and the relationship ended up lasting a good 3 more months (Long time for High School).

Needless to say, that was a changing point in my life. I've grown up considerably since than, and I'd like to say I'm a different person.

And when I think about it, the girl I nearly cheated on with is one of those few people that I think is truly a good person, who I tried to take advantage of.

I certainly was an asshole back then.

 

[game-lover]

I've never cheated or been cheated on. However, I think I could forgive my boyfriend quite easily if he had a one night stand (or even several one night stands) as long as he didn't catch anything. If he were emotionally invested in someone else and was frequently seeing them behind my back, on the other hand, I'd end the relationship. I don't understand why you wouldn't just break up with the first partner rather than awkwardly attempt to juggle two relationships in tandem.

I don't really get why people freak out so much when it comes to cheating and act like it's the worst thing in the world. In a lot of cases it's just sex, and when it's more than that, you can always break up. All this argle bargle my heart was shattered and I'll never be the same stuff is a bit ridiculous. Why is being cheated on worse than being broken up with in the conventional manner?

Well to start, at least if you dump someone in a conventional manner, there's no lies and deceit going on. As far as we know. No stringing anyone along or any of that shit. You have a nice, honest relationship that comes to a sad end yet potentially amicable. For a lot of people, the lying is a big issue. It's why you tend to hear the words "lying" in such insults as "lying, dirty cheater."

Also, I personally don't see how saying it's "just sex" is supposed to make it hurt less. You know what that'd tell me if my guy cheated on me and told me that? How it was just for the sex?

That our relationship wasn't worth shit. That he was willing to risk throwing everything away that we had for however long for nothing. Nothing at all. Just a cheap, meaningless fuck. Never mind that I was available for sexy times. Apparently, I wasn't enough. Apparently he hadn't gotten over his desire to fuck a new chick every other day. And if that's the case, he shouldn't have committed to me. And because our relationship wasn't worth anything, that would send a message to me that I was not worth much to him either.

So no. "Just Sex" changes nothing in my eyes.

I'm damn sure I probably wouldn't wanna touch him or have him touch me after learning that he was with someone else.