Being cheated on

[garjian]

snip

*double take* No, really, WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ?!?!

Are you SERIOUSLLY comparing love and relationships to FRUIT AND ELECTROINICS?!?!?!! First, you will notice that they are inanimate objects, thus incapable of feeling the pain of betrayel and rejection like a human. Second, THEY DONT HAVE FEELINGS, while every girl that I know, LITERALLY EVERYONE would be at the very least hurt if you are guilty of infidelity, and in the case of my 3 closest friends and my girlfriend, they will VIOLENTLY punish infidelity (my girlfriends "I will ***** slap you with your own hands." threat.)

As for "Friends", Being friends and being in a relationship are two TOTALLY different things. It is a given that I will let my girlfriend hug her friends, and I can hug mine, but we can kiss friends, we cant hold hands with friends, and we CERTAINLY cant "sleep" with them (except we have both swore abstainence until marriage, so we dont even "sleep" with eachother). In my eyes, Polygamy is nothing but legalized Infidelity.

firstly, no, I compared sex to those. I also compared businesses and friends if you'd care to
include those, which do have feelings. All of which were given to show how absurd this rejection of polygamy and open relationships is.
Cheating damages nobody. Betrayal might, shock might, but those are all in the other partners control. Noone is forced to feel those things, they caused it themselves by having such outdated and redundant traditional values, and should absolutely no appearance if they were told about it before or right away, because no trust was broken.
Nothing happens to them, but they take it upon themselves to be depressed. You may as well be getting like that over every person who has sex, because unless it's with you, then it doesn't effect you, so I can't understand why anyone would act in such a way.

So you believe that part of a loving relationship is to force your partner into a set of restrictions that restrict "kissing, hand holding and sex"? So, what if I were to hold a friends hand? Does my partner explode? no. Do they get cancer? I dont think so. Does anything happen to them? no. They were not involved in any way, so nothing happens. Same appliues up the chain, with kissing and with sex. It's got nothing to do with anyone but the people who are doing it.

Secondly, if you believe a family of 3 or more can all love each other, then why can you not accept a relationship between 3 or more people? You're telling people they don't have the right to love mote than one person equally, and that is clearly wrong.

Youre not even thinking.
Where did you get this set of rules that all relationships must follow? Can you not think for yourself? ...because it sounds to me that you refuse to even think about anything I say, hence the fact that you ignored almost everything I've written. But if you just thought about it, you'd realize that cheating changes nothing. Hell, you'd at least realize how stupid it I'd to believe that only 2 people are capable of love and that sex and love are quite separate.

 

[garjian]

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

cant tell if sarcastic or stupid. if stupid, people like YOU are the reason men get a bad rep.

Aww, and people like you are the reason cheating is considered a bad thing, and polygamy is considered abnormal. Isn't it nice when we all get to know each other?

Cheating and open, honest, polyamorous relationships are VERY different things. Probably best not to equate them.

If everyone in a relationship is happy to get their loving where they can find it, that's wonderful. However, some people aren't built like that... they can only love one person at a time, and want someone else who can give them that sort of commitment. If you have to hide your other partners from your significant other, in what sense do you have a healthy relationship that should continue?

That first point is very true, but that's what everyone I'm responding to seems to misunderstand... I mean, "Polygamy is legalized infidelity" is what I'm dealing with here. You know I do not confuse the two if you read my other posts, I brought it up originally simply to show a way in which people having sex with more than one person in a relationship and don't all immediately commit suicide.

People like you are why polygamy is considered a bad thing. Look, you're confusing it with cheating!

that applies to this too.

The second I also agree with, hiding things and keeping secrets isn't healthy for a relationship, and if you have to do so, then that relationship will end. However, the point is that there should be nothing to hide. Its hiding and sneaking around and seeing your partner as an enemy that can't find out, is what's damaging the relationship, not the having sex with somebody else part, because it doesn't actually involve the relationship at all. It shouldn't be something that you have to hide.

 

[joshuaayt]

Humn. In High School, I found out my lady-friend had slept with some other dude in my year... when I walked in on the act itself during our formal after party. It felt kinda like a movie, actually.

I couldn't sleep that night (After I sort of just walked out of the party)- I really liked this girl, and I was worried that was going to be the end of our relationship. I went through all the "Man, maybe I was just a terrible boyfriend" stuff in my head, and eventually decided to try and fix everything up next time we met at school.

She apologised, I told her I forgave her and just wanted to keep everything as it was. Then she got angry and broke up with me.

I guess the moral of this story is... get mad when people cheat on you?

 

[Sexy Devil]

Humn. In High School, I found out my lady-friend had slept with some other dude in my year... when I walked in on the act itself during our formal after party. It felt kinda like a movie, actually.

I couldn't sleep that night (After I sort of just walked out of the party)- I really liked this girl, and I was worried that was going to be the end of our relationship. I went through all the "Man, maybe I was just a terrible boyfriend" stuff in my head, and eventually decided to try and fix everything up next time we met at school.

She apologised, I told her I forgave her and just wanted to keep everything as it was. Then she got angry and broke up with me.

I guess the moral of this story is... get mad when people cheat on you?

The moral of the story is don't accept blame for crap that isn't your fault. If she had issues with the relationship then she should've told you, and not cheated on you. Instead you decided that her violation of trust was your fault because you totally weren't satisfying her.

This is a pretty ideal situation for displaying the difference between a nice guy and a tool.

 

[garjian]

-snip-

I... Uh... You.... What?! Have you ever even *been* in a relationship?

I can't help but think you're trolling, but assuming you're not I'll try to get this through to you.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex. Nor with having multiple sexual partners. Getting involved with someone with the express purpose of having an 'open' relationship (with your partner knowing this from the start, and accepting it) is fine. The only people that would argue otherwise are people who think sex for the sake of sex is immoral. However, this by definition is *not* cheating. It's casual sex, and that's ok.

Cheating is an enormous betrayal, it fucks people around and for good reason. The point of a committed relationship isn't for sex, it's for the companionship and love you get to feel for an individual. It's knowing you can trust them with anything, that you come before anyone else, that they can't get that type of emotional bond with anyone else.

Believing a relationship is meaningful and then discovering your partner has been lying to you and seeing someone else without your knowledge or consent... What do you think that does to someone? Luckily for me I've never experienced it, but I can only imagine how I'd feel if my current girlfriend cheated on me.

Your Xbox, PS3 and Wii example is... well, it shows you completely miss the point. Unlike a games console,a boyfriend or girlfriend is not something to be simply used for your entertainment. You don't owe a PS3 anything. If you decide to jump platforms to an XBOX, it doesn't care. It's *unable* to care. However, you DO owe a partner on so many levels. You owe it to them to be honest, caring, and to show them the same respect they show to you. To think otherwise, that you can just stroll along and fuck the next pretty little thing you lay your eyes on and to think your partner should be OK with that... Well, it's an enormously childish and incredibly self centred way to think.


/rant

Anyway, I've long decided that if I was ever cheated on, that's it for the relationship. I'd move on and find someone worth my time, because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to trust someone who'd cheated on me, and without trust there's no point having a relationship.

This is a toughie... hmmmmmm...

Yes, lying/betrayal, very bad for a relationship, certainly. Perhaps the angle is that there's no reason for a relationship to not be open. Seeing as casual sex is fine, and adding that having sex with somebody else in itself is not lying/betrayal and doesn't effect the partner... The problem is this set of rules. I don't recall seeing any relationship begin with a Sheldon Cooper-esque agreement, or any discussion of the sort, it's just expected of you.

So that's my point, I can't understand why people make such rules for others, when the offense has no actual effect. They shouldn't, because it either restricts one person or depresses another, and both put unnecessary stress on this precious relationship.

Also, I used other examples other than bloody games consoles. I came up from non-living, partially, actually living and nonpersonal, then personal I believe. perhaps I should've defended rather than ascended.

 

[The Dutchess]

When I think about cheating I think: Even though he KNEW it would hurt you, even though he KNEW what he was doing was wrong, he went ahead and did it ANYWAY. I think the honest truth is that someone who cheats can't have cared that deeply about you anyway. The question you've got to ask yourself is will he care enough in the future to never do it again. Cheating isn't a "mistake" it means that he willingly crawled into bed with another woman, an act he could've put a stop to at any point, and had sex with her. A kiss is a moment of stupidity, sex is a huge choice.

I wouldn't be able to forgive. For a start I'd make him miserable: every time he did something wrong or suspicious I know I'd be on his ass making snide remarks. It wouldn't be on purpose it's just how I am, I'd use it like a weapon against him.

Anyway if he finds someone else so bloody attractive he can piss off and date her.

 

[garjian]

Maybe I see something here that isn't entirely meant to be, but, I feel I must bring attention to two things.

First, we have the line "If somebody cheats on you, what have you lost? nothing. If they don't like you anymore, that's not because they cheated, that's why they cheated..."

Second, we have this line "again... basically, They're getting psychologically damaged by their own intolerance to cheating, when it does nothing to them, my opinion of them hasn't changed..."

Correct me if I am wrong, but this should mean that if someone is considered to be "cheating" then their opinion of the person they have cheated on may have in fact been altered. Even if such a thing is so insignificant as a change from "I like this person" to "Eh, not so much."

That's just what I think. Also, I think I may have gathered that you may have some tendencies toward polyamory/polygamy, and, as I understand it, polygamy/polyamory has some sort of implicit communication between all parties that "cheating" isn't an issue. This leaves me a bit confused as to your use of the word. Feel free to comment or correct me as to your opinions or views on this.

You got it backwards.
The point if the first thing you quoted was that the cheating did not cause the change, it occured beforehand and led them to look elsewhere.
Wether the cheating happened or not, it would have still changed from "like" to "meh". IIRC, in that scenario I said that in that case, perhaps the reason was that the relationship meant a lot to the other person and they didn't want to break it up, illogical yes but I can imagine that, but they themselves weren't so keen anymore. All of which occurs before and may lead to cheating, rather than being caused by cheating.

 

[herpaderphurr]

No experience with it personally. I wouldn't recommend trying to stay together, in general. Once a cheater, always a cheater, etc. etc.

But that's from an objective point of view. Unfortunately, if it ever happened to me, I'm not sure if I would have the strength to do so myself, even though it would probably be for the better.

As for cheating, myself - never. Never in my life. If I'm not satisfied with a relationship, I will break it off myself first and then go screw around, instead of being a coward fucking scumbag about it.

 

[Aeonknight]

-snip-

I... Uh... You.... What?! Have you ever even *been* in a relationship?

I can't help but think you're trolling, but assuming you're not I'll try to get this through to you.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex. Nor with having multiple sexual partners. Getting involved with someone with the express purpose of having an 'open' relationship (with your partner knowing this from the start, and accepting it) is fine. The only people that would argue otherwise are people who think sex for the sake of sex is immoral. However, this by definition is *not* cheating. It's casual sex, and that's ok.

Cheating is an enormous betrayal, it fucks people around and for good reason. The point of a committed relationship isn't for sex, it's for the companionship and love you get to feel for an individual. It's knowing you can trust them with anything, that you come before anyone else, that they can't get that type of emotional bond with anyone else.

Believing a relationship is meaningful and then discovering your partner has been lying to you and seeing someone else without your knowledge or consent... What do you think that does to someone? Luckily for me I've never experienced it, but I can only imagine how I'd feel if my current girlfriend cheated on me.

Your Xbox, PS3 and Wii example is... well, it shows you completely miss the point. Unlike a games console,a boyfriend or girlfriend is not something to be simply used for your entertainment. You don't owe a PS3 anything. If you decide to jump platforms to an XBOX, it doesn't care. It's *unable* to care. However, you DO owe a partner on so many levels. You owe it to them to be honest, caring, and to show them the same respect they show to you. To think otherwise, that you can just stroll along and fuck the next pretty little thing you lay your eyes on and to think your partner should be OK with that... Well, it's an enormously childish and incredibly self centred way to think.


/rant

Anyway, I've long decided that if I was ever cheated on, that's it for the relationship. I'd move on and find someone worth my time, because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to trust someone who'd cheated on me, and without trust there's no point having a relationship.

Pretty much this. But there's another level that it destroys.

Respect.

It'd be hard to respect someone who can't control their bodily urges. And if there's no trust and no respect, there's no relationship. Period.

 

[Fliegar]

Been cheated on. I won't go into details on the event, but I know it changed the way I think quote a bit. Before that, I used to be very trusting of people, and was fairly certain I had met someone who wouldn't do anything that hurtful. I was wrong.

I forgave her, but I got extremely paranoid afterwards. It turned out that she cheated twice more afterwards, and that my paranoia was well placed, but I'd rather not have to be thinking the worst all the time. I won't let a lack of trust ruin anything in the future, but being cheated on, especially by someone you really love, pretty much shatters your feelings. I became rather over-bearing, and eventually decided it wasn't meant to be.

If you're going to cheat, you might as well just end the relationship. I think an important step in a relationship is to clearly state what you want, in order to avoid any misconceptions having to do with cheating. It's not for everyone, but if the concept of exclusivity between partners isn't something the other person agrees with, then the two people are better off not dating at all.

 

[joshuaayt]

Humn. In High School, I found out my lady-friend had slept with some other dude in my year... when I walked in on the act itself during our formal after party. It felt kinda like a movie, actually.

I couldn't sleep that night (After I sort of just walked out of the party)- I really liked this girl, and I was worried that was going to be the end of our relationship. I went through all the "Man, maybe I was just a terrible boyfriend" stuff in my head, and eventually decided to try and fix everything up next time we met at school.

She apologised, I told her I forgave her and just wanted to keep everything as it was. Then she got angry and broke up with me.

I guess the moral of this story is... get mad when people cheat on you?

The moral of the story is don't accept blame for crap that isn't your fault. If she had issues with the relationship then she should've told you, and not cheated on you. Instead you decided that her violation of trust was your fault because you totally weren't satisfying her.

This is a pretty ideal situation for displaying the difference between a nice guy and a tool.

Perhaps. This occurred a while ago, and I tried not to dwell on it. I suppose it was stupid to accept blame for her wrongdoing- I can't even say if I didn't see it as such at the time.

Well, I learned something from it all, at least.

 

[garjian]

Also, I personally don't see how saying it's "just sex" is supposed to make it hurt less. You know what that'd tell me if my guy cheated on me and told me that? How it was just for the sex?

That our relationship wasn't worth shit. That he was willing to risk throwing everything away that we had for however long for nothing. Nothing at all. Just a cheap, meaningless fuck. Never mind that I was available for sexy times. Apparently, I wasn't enough. Apparently he hadn't gotten over his desire to fuck a new chick every other day. And if that's the case, he shouldn't have committed to me. And because our relationship wasn't worth anything, that would send a message to me that I was not worth much to him either.

So no. "Just Sex" changes nothing in my eyes.

I'm damn sure I probably wouldn't wanna touch him or have him touch me after learning that he was with someone else.

I see, so you only date virgins then.

How does it make your relationship worthless again? because he knew you would consider it worthless afterwards and still did it?
Surely if you just didn't consider it worthless there would be no problem.
Why can't you love being around somebody, find them interesting, funny, great to be around, good looking, everything... you want spend the rest of your life with them etc. ...and find other people just simply attractive... why would it make a relationship worthless just to act on that? Your emotions towards your partner havent changed... nothing has. Surely you know that lust and love are very different?

As a bi guy, I get an itch, nobody who loves me would stop me from scratching it. Stopping it would make the relationship very difficult, tense and needlessly restrictive and ultimately just as tarnished as any betrayal-born paranoia would cause... even though I'd done nothing wrong.

 

[The Night Angel]

I hate people that cheat. If you aren't ready for a relationship, don't get into on. There is no valid excuse for me. I was cheated on once, and it crushed me. I didn't speak to my twin brother for a week when I found out he cheated on his girlfriend. Same with one of my best friends.
I don't know why people find it difficult to stay committed to relationships, I've never been tempted to cheat, and the idea of doing that so someone offends me.

 

[manic_depressive13]

-snip-

Okay. I still think you're being pretty extreme, but then I'm probably just emotionally stunted. Even if I decided to end the relationship as a result of the cheating, I certainly wouldn't proceed to try and ruin his life. For example, take what you said earlier about trying to get someone fired if they cheated on you with a co-worker. I see that as being far more morally reprehensible than cheating, which is ultimately harmless if not particularly nice. I find it extremely disturbing that people seem to think doing really horrible things to someone is somehow justified if they've cheated on you.

 

[Warachia]

Spoiler

I don't understand the problem.
So you have sex with somebody else, what's the problem?

Nothing was lost, why would anyones opinion change?

Sometimes I eat apples, but then I might have an orange, why should that mean that I have somehow betrayed the apples and should never eat apples again? But the act of doing one thing apparently means that another can no longer be done, why?

I can see absolutely no logical reason for restricting yourself to having sex with only one person, no natter what the situation.
I find people who complain about cheating annoying... If somebody cheats on you, what have you lost? nothing. If they don't like you anymore, that's not because they cheated, that's why they cheated, and they were perhaps worried they'd hurt your feelings if they just broke up with you suddenly. Whatever the reason, its not the fact that they cheated that caused any problem.
Breaking up with somebody because they've cheated means the relationship failed because of your intolerance, because you shouldn't be affected at all.

Furthermore, it's just as ridiculous to believe that people are only capable of loving one person.

I really can not see a reason as to why people are so weird about this stuff... what is the problem?
I have an Xbox, Wii, DS, PSP and a PC... I use them all...
I shop at Tesco, Morrisons, Asda and sometimes M&S.
I'm friends with Danny, Clancey, Rory and Jane...
Is any of that wrong? Do any of those abandon me because the others are around, no.
Then why can I not have sex with several people? Why am I incapable of loving several people?
In no way can explain it to myself.

Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone, mostly for a myriad of psychological problems that can and will develop down the road. It breaks the trust of your partner, you begin suspecting other partners that you have in future, if the person who you're cheating with finds out it destroys their trust of you and possibly any other person. Friends/family may hate you for a long time and you will probably deal with depression.

This is exactly what I'm talking about...
Why should cheating cause psychological problems when it doesn't even involve them? Trust? What if I told my partner in advance I was going to cheat? would that make it ok? I would assume not.
I'd expect a "no.", theyd get a "Why?", and I would get a meaningless "Because it's wrong!" back. "Why?" again... basically, They're getting psychologically damaged by their own intolerance to cheating, when it does nothing to them, my opinion of them hasn't changed... why should anything change? nothing happened to them.

Okay pod person from another planet, I'll explain it to you:

Spoiler

When you have a relationship, usually it is because you like the person (other times it is because you want their money, were bored, etc.), and want to spend time with that person, they trust that you like them for those reasons and will put up with you for the same reason, if you plan to have a long term relationship, then both of you must change, and accommodate each other to make it work (more on that later), when you leave to go with a different person for reasons like how they look, you think they are better in bed, or even because you want to try something new, you send the message to them and yourself that you are not interested in the person you were with previously, you won't ever be happy with that previous person again (except in very rare cases), because now you will see everything they are not, and you will want to get it somewhere else, this can carry over into future relationships, and might even result in you never staying with anybody for a long period of time.
Now, knowing your previous questions, you are probably wondering: "Why is this a bad thing? If that person doesn't have what I want surely somebody else must, so why not go with them?" Thankfully there is an easy answer to that, because NOBODY is going to have exactly what you want, and even if you were to find somebody completely as you wanted them, that would cause problems rather than make you happy, it would mean that you don't think you need to change yourself at all to help anybody else, (which is wrong on a number of levels but is a different subject entirely) because no relationship will work unless you both go out of your way to make it work, you half to meet whoever you are with halfway, otherwise the relationship is doomed to failure, why do you have to meet them halfway? Imagine a line between two points, at one point is you, at the other point is your partner, and let's look at two extreme examples, let's say you found somebody who was devoted to you fully, this is where they go completely over to your point, that can only end in failure because they find no personal happiness for themselves, the relationship would be a hollow one, eventually falling apart because either you or them would realise only one of you is happy, then that partner would leave you to seek a scenario where they as well as their future partner is happy.
Let's say you found a person who was always exciting and interested in new things, this would be if they only stayed at their point, that would also only end in failure, they'd spend time with you enjoy it, and then leave you for something new, and all plans you had for a future would be gone, you'd never look at that person the same way again because you'd always expect them to leave you for something else, and any future you do plan would have to exclude them just in case they did leave, additionally, the people you leave would also have this mindset about you, and this mindset can carry over into future relationships, and THAT is why it can cause psychological scars despite not directly involving the person.

 

[Condiments]

-snip-

Who cares? It is only sex. At the end of the day, if he/she still comes back to you. Why care who he or she sleeps with?

I never understood why people care. There is no "one-true love" or "soul-mate". All love is, is a chemical experience in the brain.

I do not care what my girlfriend does, as long as she comes home to me at the end of the day, so we can spend some time together and get that chemical rush the brain releases when you are together with your partner.

People needs to get over this whole thing. Sex is just a bodily urge and if you cannot satisfy your partner you "love", then let him/her be happy and get what he/she wants! Stop being selfish.

And just to clarify, I've never been with someone else during the years I have been with my girlfriend, but she has been with a few (I never asked how many because I do not care). I know that I cannot satisfy her sometimes, so why should I not let her?

I'm not sure I get this line of reasoning. You're not shackling anyone's desires by them being with you. A partner can just as easily leave if they aren't get their needs met through a relationship. A relationship is built on mutual respect of others boundaries, and preferences. Some people just aren't comfortable, or will never be comfortable with their partner engaging in casual sex with others during a relationship. If someone can't curtail their nature, they have no business with that person. Its a two way street, and not everyone's gonna like, what you're going to like.

Not to say your current arrangement is wrong, but it certainly won't work for everyone. Personally, if a woman I'm with isn't satisfied with what I can give, I'll look elsewhere.

 

[ThatGuy]

So you're trying to pretend your decision doesn't matter at all?

Nope, that was easy. Ask me another one.

That's hilariously transparent as a way to just try to not take responsibility for your actions. Your decision matters too, especially in deciding whether you're guiltless.

That's the wonderful thing about morality, I don't believe my involvement means guilt. As I've said before I just don't think my decision is the important one.

Yes, that would be helping them along. It doesn't make it any less despicable. And it isn't a strawman because you're still choosing to be involved when you could choose not to. This is pathetic.

My mistake, I took "helping them along" to mean I was influencing their decision, ie convincing them to cheat.

The way I see it, any action you take (including inaction) has consequences. You can't just wave away any culpability by saying that you were simply acting on someone else's decision. Consider an analogous situation: a robber will cut you in on his profits if you tell him the floor plan of the bank he plans to rob. In both your situation (being the cheatee) and this one, you're providing something to someone in exchange for a reward, with harmful effects on another party.

Cheating's not the end of the world, but you've gotta realize that the things you choose to do IN FACT have an effect on other people.

 

[arnoldthebird]

Well I'm only 17 but my GF of 6 months cheated on me with my bestfriend, fun times.
And 4 months later she has nothing going for her, and I no longer interact with my bestfriend...fun times.
Still have feeling's for her, I've been told it's hard to get over your first love...