Best Chuck Norris Jokes?

[plagueflames]

only 2 things can survive a nuclear explosion, cockroaches and chuck norris. though cockroaches can't survive chuck norris.

chuck norris CAN put humpty dumpty back together again

they once tries to put chuck norris on a bill, though no value so far expressed in numbers could be represented by chuck norris.

chuck norris looked in a stream, and the stream died from not being able to reflect him.

 

[Artemis923]

What is this, the Barrens chat?

Localdefense: The Crossroads is under attack!

It never isn't.

LOL that was good.

 

[Kinguendo]

One day Chuck Norris' girlfriend said "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"
Chuck Norris then shouted "No one ryhmes in front of Chuck Norris" and roundhouse kicked her face off and said "Don't fuck with Chuck!".
A couple of months later Chuck Norris realised the Irony and laughed so hard that every woman on earth became virgins and lost it simultaniously.

Chuck Norris actually died 20 years ago but Death is too afraid to tell him.

Now I think I have done enough Chuck Norris jokes that are in favour of him to tell one that isnt so here it is:

Chuck Norris' blood can cure cancer... too bad he has AIDS.

 

[Lord Raiyu]

Chuck Norris knows what willis is talking about

 

[szs0061]

chuck norris is all 4 horsemen of the apocalypse
at the end of every rainbow is chuck norris waiting to punch you in the face
why did the chicken cross the road? to try and escape from chuck norris, he failed

 

[macapus]

Did a quick search and found nothing like this.

Let me start with a couple of my own.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris still kicks your ass!
Chuck Norris eats numbers divided by zero for breakfast. Without any milk.

If you gave a theif a toothpick and a paper clip, he could break out of jail. If you gave Chuck Norris a toothpick and a paper clip, he could build a mansion, start a country, win a war, bang every girl on the planet, conquer the world, and beat the shit out of the thier, all while carrying around a paper clip and a toothpick.

 

[Hazz_11]

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognises the element of surprise!

i love that one

Chuck Norris doesn't read books he stares them down till they give him the information he wants

Under Chuck Norris's beard there isn't a chin there's another fist

Chuck Norris always gets a no scope

 

[Kinguendo]

In his spare time, Chuck Norris like to knit sweaters... and by "knit" I mean kick and by "sweaters" I mean babies.

Chuck Norris almost turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie "Dodgeball" on the grounds that he doesn't like to dodge balls ? he prefers to have them resting on his chin.

 

[IxionIndustries]

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris is paid 99 cents by Apple each time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits...

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares them down until they give him the information that he wants..

That's all folks!

 

[Kinguendo]

When Chuck Norris completes a push-up, he does not actually move all the way down, it's the Earth moving up and punching him in the face.

Chuck Norris once attempted round house kicking Jet Li. His leg broke when it connected with the television, then he fell and broke his hip.

 

[Kinguendo]

Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He's just funny like that.

 

[sgtshock]

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. Not that it has anything to do with ancestry, the man once ate a fucking indian.

 

[Kinguendo]

Chuck Norris starred in "Firewalker," a film in which he does not walk on fire.

Chuck Norris was kicked out of the CIA because he was unable to come up with a better codename than "Nuck Chorris." To add injury to insult, it was a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris quit his job working on Sesame Street after just 4 hours, claiming he was tired of "the intimidation, harassment and bullying."

 

[Kinguendo]

Chuck Norris was once spit on by a camel. Chuck Norris then broke out in anger, singing "My Humps" at the top of his lungs to regain his dignity.

Many stuntmen who have worked with Chuck Norris complain on set that Chuck Norris makes far too many so-called jokes about "exchanging blows."

Chuck Norris once backed out of Celebrity Boxing, fearing the wrath of Gary Coleman.

I guess I should do one for the fans of Chuck:

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection, there were no survivors.

 

[Biek]

Chuck Norris once saved Philadelphia and they named a street after him. But later they changed it to Broad Street because everyone who crossed it died. No one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Scientists say the universe is expanding. But its actually trying to flee from Chuck Norris.

Jezus could walk on water. But Chuck Norris can swim through land.

 

[toapat]

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked god into existence, he was too lazy to do his job

 

[rockingnic]

God can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

[letsnoobtehpwns]

One day Chuck Norris was walking down the street... there were no survivors.

 

[runtheplacered]

Chuck Norris found another word for synonym.

Alternate, substitute, alternative, equivalent, euphemism.

I guess I'm Chuck, then?

Nope. None of those words mean the word "Synonym". You'd have to put the word "word" at the end of each of those, in order to have the same definition as synonym. "Alternate word". "Substitute word". "Alternative word". "equivalent word".

This may or may not be valid, but having "euphemism" in that list proves you wrong.

Huh? Euphemism is the word that fits the least (hence that's the one I decided to not mention). Euphemism means to try and say something offensive in a nonoffensive way.

Or as Merriam-Webster says, "the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant"

Nothing to do with synonym's. Euphemism's also have to do with expressions in general, and not single words, although obviously an expression could potentially be a single word.

 

[Fingerprint]

I've just thought this one up (its pretty average but hey...) - I've no idea if it's been said before as I can't be arsed to check. If it's not original then meh, if it is original then hussar.

To wit:

Chuck Norris K.O'd his shadow when he was shadow-boxing.