Best insult without swearing?

[Dimeinurear]

Randomly hugging people who I've either never met before or don't know very well, and when they push me off, they usually call me gay (I'm a guy), and I say,

"No, I'm straight, the reason I'm hugging you is because I'm secure in my sexuality and I like hugs. If you're so homophobic about it, I think you're trying to hide something."

Or something similar to that that makes them sound like they're trying to hide that they're gay. It really freaks them out.. one guy even tried to punch me once, lol.

 

[Ben Legend]

You're a fuc.... no wait...

Pis... let me try again...

Twa....
I give up, I cannot insult someone without the use of swear words.

 

[Sarahcidal]

were your parents brother and sister?

shut up, you'll never be that man your mother is.

it looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

sorry, i'm not your type.. im not made of rubber

 

[hagaya]

You are why God allows kittens to die.

 

[Contreg]

Here's a Shakespearian one:

You Prince of Wales.

Another one from that time period:-

"You bulls Pizzle"

(Pizzle is ye olde english for C**k)

 

[Haliwali]

Randomly hugging people who I've either never met before or don't know very well, and when they push me off, they usually call me gay (I'm a guy), and I say,

"No, I'm straight, the reason I'm hugging you is because I'm secure in my sexuality and I like hugs. If you're so homophobic about it, I think you're trying to hide something."

Or something similar to that that makes them sound like they're trying to hide that they're gay. It really freaks them out.. one guy even tried to punch me once, lol.

Unless you get someone like me, who hates anyone touching him. I've got as many stories for this as The Joker has for his scars. For you, I'd pull out something like, "No, I'm not gay. When I was a small child my babysitter would molest me and then make me promise never to tell about it. For years I've struggled with it, but I've finally been able to talk about what happened to me and have even started to be able to accept high-fives and even hand-shakes lasting under 5 seconds. But now, thanks to what you and several other people have done, I feel like I'm 6 years old again... I'm sitting at the dinner table, I can't talk... I can only sit there and push my food around the plate and think about what she did to me. I'm afraid, and I feel guilty... I don't know why, but I feel like it's all my fault."

 

[Goldeneye103X2]

After a long speech from someone you hate.......

You smell.

 

[Ghadente]

You are the ugliest person ever which is why your momma abandoned you as a child.

 

[Kingsman]

I refuse to go into a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent.

Is that an insult? Nonsense! I never insult anyone stupider than I am.

 

[Avatar Roku]

To someone I know "I do wish we could be better strangers!"
To girls we have "Veriest varlot that ever chewed with a tooth"
or the more general "Not so much brain as earwax!"

Ah, ain't Shakespeare grand? By the way, the first one is "I do desire..."

EDIT:I like "Canker Blossom!" myself.

Details..

anyway, Shakespearian Insults Mug FTW!

Wow, I actually have that mug too. Awesome.

 

[Sewer Rat]

Mother funking sonnava female dog!

 

[the-darkness]

You're like a Corvette: fun for a while but when comes right down to it, you're not much of an intersting conversation. You might as well have barcode at the back of your neck. You're a product, a tool, a sheep.


woot

 

[Dogstile]

"your face!"

 

[BenMcMichael]

ooo just thought of another one i enjoy, YOU HAVE A FACE ONLY YOUR DAD COULD MAKE LOVE TO

Oh that is wrong!

Yet deliciously devious.

I like it.

Yea, i got the basic flow of that one down, but couldnt make it funny and short enough to be effective, untill the pressure was on. Having an arguement with this slag and well it just came to be

 

[Unstoppable Wall]

Oh man the best one I've heard was at a friend's house, his brother was making a sandwich and my friend says something incredibly stupid, to which I tell him he has an IQ of 4 and his brother who was like 20ish just wheels around and screams "HEY! MAYONNAISE HAS AN IQ OF 4, DON'T INSULT MAYONNAISE!" then he explained the reason that is has an IQ is due to organisms within it in a calm and clear manner O.O

 

[WolfThomas]

Anything Captain Haddock says

Using words that aren't insulting:

"YOU ECTOPLASM!"

And alliteration:

"Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!"

Puzzle pirater?

Ah pirate insults are the best.

"You mother scuppering son of a barnacle, I would make a mess of you but washing yer bood from the decks, *sigh* twould not be worth the effort".

Well Herge wanted a sailor in his story, but didn't know how to have him curse without swearing, then he overheard someone call another person "a bloody peace treaty!" He then realised by using strange words that sound bad but aren't he could get away with it.

Words like Iconoclasts, ectoplasm and pneumothorax.

 

[Curiosity's Cat]

England (no offense to the English, heard it on a video, I'm actually quite jealous of the English)

This is from scrubs. I'm desperately hoping to find a situation in real life where i can use it:

"Aww, you've got a little crush on yourself. Be careful though the guy you're in love with's a douche."

Which episode, I don't recall that joke?

season eight, episode something. the blonde tomboy intern says it to the surgeon intern.

you could run a whole seperate thread on scrubs insults

Jack Cox: (pointing) fattyfattyfattyfattyfatty
Fat Woman: What is your son doing?
Dr Cox: The fatty dance. Inappropriate? Maybe. But I'm raising him to be a straight shooter.

EDIT Oh and this one time in real life, I was giving a presentation to my tutorial group:

Me: Okay, so the definition of post-colonialism was covered pretty thoroughly in the readings, but I'm going to start from the assumption that no one has done the readings--

Matt the Tutor: Wise Assumption. You'd make a good tutor.

Me: Because I aspire to your lofty position in life, Matt.

Matt: shocked silence.

Class laughs, I go bright red because I blurted it out with out realising how very snotty it sounded, thus ruining the overall affect of the put down.

 

[Drokles]

As my mother used to tell me:
"Stop calling your brother a retard! Don't make fun of them"

I'll just give that a moment to sink in...

 

[electric_warrior]

you were caused by a chemical spillage in Germany

you were placed here by sadam during the first gulf war to lower morale

when i look at you i feel better about myself

there's a guy in my year going out with someone four years younger than him (he's 17), this is a dialogue between me and him
"How long have you two been going out?"
"About a year and a half"
"So she's, what, doubled in age in that time?"
he wasn't happy with me, luckily he's tiny and pathetic and couldn't do anything if he tried.

your friend's kinda creepy man. that means the chick was probably 11ish and he was 15 or 16

he is most definitely not my friend, i fucking hate the guy. he's a pathetic, snivelling, whiny excuse of a person and a pervert as well, some of the things he openly admits to doing with her are hideous.

 

[Cylem]

Yesterday this annoying guy on my bus (who looks and smells like a giant homeless man) wouldn't shut up about a joke that died long ago and I nearly blurted out,

"Isn't this bus a little long for you?"

But I didn't. Because I'm too nice. And he lives on my street. >_>