Best Way To Make A Telemarketer Rage Quit
- Thread starter Laft Kranz
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I like to tell them that by calling me, they will receive a £10 connection fee, plus it will cost an extra £3 a minute. Either that or threaten them will legal action for calling a private number.. Both are good, And i can guarantee they won't be calling back any time soon.
My dad was pissed at telemarketers, so he asked everyone we knew who had a gun to come over. He then recorded all of them shooting, at first every ten seconds, then developing into volleys of gunfire every second.
He would play this whenever a telemarketer called, often sounding serious 'till it started, then saying "I gotta go. No, really, I gotta go. Shit!" Occasionally he'd play sirens as well.
To vary it up every once and a while he'd answer the phone, "We got the goods, now bring the van over here, it's- Oh SHIT! They got us! They got us! Fuck, Michael, we need transpot NOW! You're not michael? What kind of car do you have? If you have a van I have an interesting financial opportunity for you, but you must act now. Like, now now. In fac-AArraaghh..."
He would play this whenever a telemarketer called, often sounding serious 'till it started, then saying "I gotta go. No, really, I gotta go. Shit!" Occasionally he'd play sirens as well.
To vary it up every once and a while he'd answer the phone, "We got the goods, now bring the van over here, it's- Oh SHIT! They got us! They got us! Fuck, Michael, we need transpot NOW! You're not michael? What kind of car do you have? If you have a van I have an interesting financial opportunity for you, but you must act now. Like, now now. In fac-AArraaghh..."
There is these comic strips in Norway called "Pondus", and once he got called by telemarketers, and he farted into the phone. Inspired by that one, I did it to an unlucky telemarketer too (Yes, immature, I know.), I've never been called since that.
Him: "...and so, for just five minutes of your time and [some insurance stuff here], we can promise you a cheap, secure financial life!"
Me: "...Hey, yeah...John? (or whatever his/her name is) There's this thing called E-mail, mate. You can send this message to literally millions of people in a second, you don't have to do it at eight in the night, you don't have to wear out your voice talking all the time and if you're feeling malicious, you can set a virus into the email that takes their credit card details no matter if they like the insurance plan or not...Get with the times, man"
OR
Me: "Yeah, buddy, that's great, but I'm in the middle of something, hold on, this will just be a seco...OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, MATTHEW! God! I mean...LOOK AT IT! IT'S Everywhere! Wh- no, no we can't just 'hold it shut and pretend it's still alive'. A sacrifice's a sacrifice, man! It's not a f*ckin' 'Have another Go' game! Well you'll ju- F*CKING WHAT? Oh go screw yourself, Lennon, you're not helping. ...Well it ISN'T helpful, is it? N- No it's...It's not, okay? (back to TM) Sorry mate, hold on, I could actually do with (whatever he's selling) just give me a moment. Look, Lennon, I'm pretty damn certain I can't find a live sacrificial goat in the middle of town at THIS hour, so I'm nearly goddamn certain YOU CAN'T EITHER.... ... ...OH STOP CRYING, MATT! Jesus, you're like a f*ckin' four year old! Shut up, Lennon. Well of COURSE he should be upset, that took me WEEKS to prepare. This whole evening is ruined, I'm so sorry Sasha, look lemme make this up to you, I'll pay extra, and...wait...let me help you out of that corset. Yeah, I'm real sorry Sash, your clothes are in the kitchen, I'll see you at work. Thanks...So, buddy, what were you saying?
Him: "Well...uh...(launches unsteadily into marketing pitch)
Me (interrupting) : Shush, Matt, I'm on the phone with this guy, we could be in pocket on this stuff! Shut up, I'm sorry I shouted, alright? I SAID SHUT UP, I'M BUSY - no...No, put the knife down...NO! NOOO! LENNON, HELP LENNON! NO- AAAAAARRRRRGHH (Lean back from phone and scream in a different voice)
*click*
Me: "...Hey, yeah...John? (or whatever his/her name is) There's this thing called E-mail, mate. You can send this message to literally millions of people in a second, you don't have to do it at eight in the night, you don't have to wear out your voice talking all the time and if you're feeling malicious, you can set a virus into the email that takes their credit card details no matter if they like the insurance plan or not...Get with the times, man"
OR
Me: "Yeah, buddy, that's great, but I'm in the middle of something, hold on, this will just be a seco...OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, MATTHEW! God! I mean...LOOK AT IT! IT'S Everywhere! Wh- no, no we can't just 'hold it shut and pretend it's still alive'. A sacrifice's a sacrifice, man! It's not a f*ckin' 'Have another Go' game! Well you'll ju- F*CKING WHAT? Oh go screw yourself, Lennon, you're not helping. ...Well it ISN'T helpful, is it? N- No it's...It's not, okay? (back to TM) Sorry mate, hold on, I could actually do with (whatever he's selling) just give me a moment. Look, Lennon, I'm pretty damn certain I can't find a live sacrificial goat in the middle of town at THIS hour, so I'm nearly goddamn certain YOU CAN'T EITHER.... ... ...OH STOP CRYING, MATT! Jesus, you're like a f*ckin' four year old! Shut up, Lennon. Well of COURSE he should be upset, that took me WEEKS to prepare. This whole evening is ruined, I'm so sorry Sasha, look lemme make this up to you, I'll pay extra, and...wait...let me help you out of that corset. Yeah, I'm real sorry Sash, your clothes are in the kitchen, I'll see you at work. Thanks...So, buddy, what were you saying?
Him: "Well...uh...(launches unsteadily into marketing pitch)
Me (interrupting) : Shush, Matt, I'm on the phone with this guy, we could be in pocket on this stuff! Shut up, I'm sorry I shouted, alright? I SAID SHUT UP, I'M BUSY - no...No, put the knife down...NO! NOOO! LENNON, HELP LENNON! NO- AAAAAARRRRRGHH (Lean back from phone and scream in a different voice)
*click*
Holy Holocaust Batman...what a comparison!Davrel said:
You sir, have balls.
OT: I'm usually too nice to do anything but say "Sorry not interested."
I just wish they wouldn't have a 30 second speech they gave before they let me get a word in edgewise.
A thought occurs to me:
I wanna learn Hindi, but I never put enough effort in
In Britain, many of our telemarketers are in India (cheap offshore labour) and have thick, rolling Calcuttan accents, though they always deny that they are in India (as if this would change my judgement on shady financial plans)
A new motivation: If I learn Hindi, I can suddenly start chatting to them in Hindi, practiscing whilst completley baffling/pleasantly suprising the guy.
Then I could pull all the funny stuff here, but it wouldn't be lost in translation!
I wanna learn Hindi, but I never put enough effort in
In Britain, many of our telemarketers are in India (cheap offshore labour) and have thick, rolling Calcuttan accents, though they always deny that they are in India (as if this would change my judgement on shady financial plans)
A new motivation: If I learn Hindi, I can suddenly start chatting to them in Hindi, practiscing whilst completley baffling/pleasantly suprising the guy.
Then I could pull all the funny stuff here, but it wouldn't be lost in translation!
Ok I have a few of these...
My dad is an utter genius when it comes to this stuff.
Telemarketer: Hello, my name is ____ I'm calling from Mystery and Thriller Bookclub.
My Dad: Yes
T: I was wondering if you would be interested in becoming a member, for only £££ a month you will receive three bestselling novels and a fourth book of your choice.
D: That sounds great but there is a problem.
T: Yes?
D: I'm blind
T: oh i'm so sorry, I err Umm :click:
Then there was the time that Dairy Crest (Milkman) called after my Dad canceled the deliveries.
T: Hello is that Mr ....
D: Yes
T: It appears that you recently discontinued your milk delivery service.
D: Yes
T: We were calling to ask the reason why you decided to discontinue your milk deliveries, this is just a routine survey we ask all former customers.
D: I bought a cow.
T: Thanks for your time :click:
Since I have bought my own house i've had a few, these are just examples of the lengths some will go to not really ways to deal with them.
Telemarketer, clearly outsourced possibly Indian: HellocanIspeaktoMrsPhantomIEC?
Me: Pardon?
T: CanIspeaktoMrsPhantomIEC?
Me: Mrs PhantomIEC?
T: Yes
Me: I'm afraid she is at work.
T: Doyouhaveanumberwecancontactheron?
Me: No, i'm afraid not.
T: Doyouhaveanumberwecancontactheron?
Me: No she is at work, she is a swimming teacher, there is no possible way she can talk to you while she is at work.
T: Doyouhaveanumberwecancontactheron?
Me: Goodbye.
One day when my parents were visiting I had three cold calls in an hour, the third guy phoned just as we sat down to eat. I have never in my life shouted that loudly and said such vile things to someone, especially with my parents watching. The poor guy was so apologetic, bless him. The only thing I remember clearly was him saying "Is there a more convieniant time I can call you?" and I said " A *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* better *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* time to *colourful verb/metaphor/simily*, what the *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* do you think? You *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* *colourful verb/metaphor/simily*!" He then hung up.
My dad is an utter genius when it comes to this stuff.
Telemarketer: Hello, my name is ____ I'm calling from Mystery and Thriller Bookclub.
My Dad: Yes
T: I was wondering if you would be interested in becoming a member, for only £££ a month you will receive three bestselling novels and a fourth book of your choice.
D: That sounds great but there is a problem.
T: Yes?
D: I'm blind
T: oh i'm so sorry, I err Umm :click:
Then there was the time that Dairy Crest (Milkman) called after my Dad canceled the deliveries.
T: Hello is that Mr ....
D: Yes
T: It appears that you recently discontinued your milk delivery service.
D: Yes
T: We were calling to ask the reason why you decided to discontinue your milk deliveries, this is just a routine survey we ask all former customers.
D: I bought a cow.
T: Thanks for your time :click:
Since I have bought my own house i've had a few, these are just examples of the lengths some will go to not really ways to deal with them.
Telemarketer, clearly outsourced possibly Indian: HellocanIspeaktoMrsPhantomIEC?
Me: Pardon?
T: CanIspeaktoMrsPhantomIEC?
Me: Mrs PhantomIEC?
T: Yes
Me: I'm afraid she is at work.
T: Doyouhaveanumberwecancontactheron?
Me: No, i'm afraid not.
T: Doyouhaveanumberwecancontactheron?
Me: No she is at work, she is a swimming teacher, there is no possible way she can talk to you while she is at work.
T: Doyouhaveanumberwecancontactheron?
Me: Goodbye.
One day when my parents were visiting I had three cold calls in an hour, the third guy phoned just as we sat down to eat. I have never in my life shouted that loudly and said such vile things to someone, especially with my parents watching. The poor guy was so apologetic, bless him. The only thing I remember clearly was him saying "Is there a more convieniant time I can call you?" and I said " A *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* better *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* time to *colourful verb/metaphor/simily*, what the *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* do you think? You *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* *colourful verb/metaphor/simily* *colourful verb/metaphor/simily*!" He then hung up.
I usually don't mess with telemarketers, as annoying as they are, they're only doing their jobs, a job that they probably hate.
usually i'll try to start a casual conversation with them, but if that fails, then i'll just hang up.
usually i'll try to start a casual conversation with them, but if that fails, then i'll just hang up.
Yeah, what I meant by that was that they're both doing something wrong (admittedly one thing is a lot more wrong than the other, but both are still wrong). Also, "just doing my job" aka "the Nuremberg Defence" really gets on my nerves.BlindMessiah94 said:
I dislike being called as much as anybody, but I've had friends who have had to work in the industry (and hated every second of it) and as such force myself to be polite. Through gritted teeth if I must.
Having said that, if I were going to be a dick it would be the "Wait a minute, I just need to grab the other handset before this one runs out of batteries..." and never return trick.
Having said that, if I were going to be a dick it would be the "Wait a minute, I just need to grab the other handset before this one runs out of batteries..." and never return trick.
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