Can we talk about the "friend zone" and "nice guys" for a moment?

[JDLY]

snip

Well the point I was trying to make is that it's not fair to the girl if the guy is friends with her for a while and the whole time the guy isn't up front about his feelings. And then suddenly the guy whips out the "I want a romantic relationship" card. Then when the girl doesn't feel the same way, the guy acts like she has wronged him in some way cause you know, god forbid she doesn't see you that way. My beef isn't with guys who develop feelings for a friend over time, it's with guys that are attracted to a girl but decide to be friends with her first in hopes of a relationship and then when it doesn't work out they abandon her. Then not only are you hurt, but so is the girl involved because it's like you didn't even want to be friends in the first place.

But in general, if a girl doesn't have feelings for you, she is NOT a bad person, and she didn't wrong you in any way!

To summarize: If you are attracted to a girl, tell her upfront instead of being friends first because that's kind of deceiving and not a very nice thing to do because in the end you will both have hurt feelings.

I hope I'm making sense here.

And (to everyone reading) sorry if my original post was a little vague in any way. I have a habit of being a tad ambiguous.

Just clarification, I did stay friends with her. (I meant to put that in my post but forgot, so I edited it, you can see it there now.)

Also this happened when I was a freshman in high school, so there was plenty of stumbling and bumbling by me from a lack of confidence. So I know that some/most of the fault lies with me as I took so long to ask her out.

I was just curious if you wouldn't have an quite as much of an issue with the guy if what he was looking for was a genuine relationship and not just some action. (In your OP you say "since your plans to get a little action were in vain...")

 

[bandman232]

If there are people who are more sexist and egotistical than you are, I would be surprised.

The friend zone does not exist usually guys that get put in the friendzone are either losers or very unattractive no offense.

BTW i notice that nice guys seem to think they are entitled to women alot of you so called nice guys really creep me out

you act as if women belong to you and seem to be mad at the world because you rejected and noboyd wants to sleep with you.

Being nice does not make you an interesting person, a good person, does not mean you are attractive and I've notice unlike men , us ladies usually do not tell men we find unttractive that they are unattractive.

I wish more women were like me I do not hang around or associate with males that call themselves nice guys which is ually code for pushover , cornball,creep,or just very unattractive socially awkard male

trhe reason nice guys get the friend zone is not because of them being nice its because they are usually ugly as hell.

If there is a more sexist, callous, and frankly most offensive person in the world, I weep for humanity. People like you are the ones that bring the rest of us down. And frankly, those guys ignore you because they see who you are, not because they are whatever YOU think they are. I bet you're just deluding yourself into thinking you're good looking, because honestly, I can't think of a more ugly person than you.

 

[museofdoom]

I was just curious if you wouldn't have an quite as much of an issue with the guy if what he was looking for was a genuine relationship and not just some action. (In your OP you say "since your plans to get a little action were in vain...")

Well, in my original post I was being a little more bitter so I used the worst case scenario which would be the guy just wanting in the girl's pants.

But even if they want a legitimate relationship, that should be made clear early on. And the girl shouldn't be chastised if she doesn't feel the same way.

Basically, if you meet a girl and want a relationship, being friends with her first is a bit manipulative. Because girls aren't psychic, they will probably think "oh hey, a new friend how nice!!" But then when you confess your feelings, she may feel like the whole friendship was just a plot to get with her and that you didn't actually want to be friends at all which kind of stings.

So being friends with a girl you're interested first results in a double edged sword most of the time.

 

[bandman232]

Do you realize how ridiculous whining about being "friend zoned" is? And that if you really wanna be a nice guy, that you should be nice to girls even if you don't want in their pants?

It is ridiculous. I have plenty of female friends that I have no intention of getting in bed with. In fact, one of my oldest friends is female. Known her since we were in kindergarten, so about 18 years now. I'm a nice guy simply because I try to be, not because I want something and because I think it's the right thing to do. I try to make my intentions clear if I have interest, and if I take too long in displaying that interest, well who's fault is that? I barely socialize as it is and it wouldn't make sense to me to be a "nice guy" in an attempt to manipulate if I'm an introvert.

When it comes to the woman I'm friends with, sex is the last thing on my mind.

Agreed. I've had more people go for me because I'm honest with myself and try to be kind to everyone, rather than be kind to someone just to get in their pants. And I've actually friend zoned some people because I've had people try to be nice to me to get into my pants, only to see their real intentions and then shut them out.

 

[Xanthious]

First let me say I have two female ummm let's call em "friends", and they serve very specific purposes. I'm sure the clever amongst you can figure out what that is and explain it to everyone else. Back in the day though I used to hit the clubs every weekend and see the kind of bullshit that single people have to go through. You want to get laid fellas? Be a dick. Nice guys get chewed up and spit out once their usefulness has come to an end.

Now that being said the flip side to the OPs argument is there are some real cunts out there that will lead these poor bastards on as long as they can before hitting them with "let's just be friends". Hell, I've known women that have entire fucking harems of guys they are leading on knowing full well what these men want and there isn't a god damn one of those guys that have a shot.

The thing is this isn't a totally one sided issue. For every guy out pretending to be friends with a girl hoping he can get in her pants there's a ***** out there leading some poor bastard on for her own benefit.

 

[Suicidejim]

As a brief note, what's the issue with 'nice guys' as such? I mean 'nice guys' as the guys who go about catching a girl by being really nice to her and doing things for her. Surely, at it's worst, this is just another method of seduction, equal to all the other tactics someone might employ in the battlefield of romance?

Personally, I've always been under the impression that relationships have always seemed better and more stable when I've known and been friends with someone for a while (although I should point out that I don't generally befriend people for romantic reasons. I'm usually completely unaware right up until the point where there appears to be someone attached to my face). I imagine I'm missing the point in some way, but can someone clarify it here?

EDIT: I guess on top of that I'll point out that I have had relationships with girls who have confessed that they had no romantic feelings for me before we were friends, but that they grew over time as we got to know one another. Logically, had I made some sort of move or declared that I found them attractive beforehand, I'd have missed out on some amazing times. It all just depends on individual relationships and the people within them. Not every relationship follows the same rulebook.

 

[ninjapenguin1414]

Seriously though, no one here is as bad as the people you find on 9gag, if youve ever been there. 85% of the people there act as though women are like characters in an RPG and that because theyve put in enough "conversation points" or however they imagine it, they are now entitled to sex or a girlfriend or whatever. Its the most self-centered attitude I could imagine, and upsets me a lot. So keep on fighting the brave fight there

I couldn't stay on 9gag just cause of the amount of "friendzone" posts its ridiculous on that site not to mention all the people who think their better thsn everyone else just cause their on the site.

 

[PureChaos]

as other's have said, it's when they say 'i'd like to meet someone just like you' that is annoying rather than the fact they don't have the same feelings.

As a girl I have used that line but sometimes you have to think about the context in how it's being used. I was friends with this guy since 7th grade and senior year he asked me out. I declined. I didn't find him unattractive or not interesting. I didn't want to chance ruining a good friendship. When I said "I'd like to find someone like you" I meant it. But someone that I haven't spent the past 5 years building a friendship with. If I like a guy I make it pretty clear I'm interested in him after the first few hangouts. That way if he doesn't like me no one really gets hurt cause we don't know each other that well.

On a side note I'd also like to say from my experience females take being put in the "friendzone" easier than guys. I've been rejected by 2 guys and to this day I'm still friends with them. But a few of the guys I've rejected tried to stay friends with me, but eventually stopped calling or wanting to hang out.

I'm in the UK so not sure if 7th grade in the USA is the same as year 7 in the UK but year 7 is11-12 year olds so it's understandable to start as friends but it blossom into something more as you both get older. there's always going on a date to see how things go rather than deciding to jump straight into a relationship. When i was at university I had girls i'd met telling me i would make the perfect boyfriend but they would then go for someone else and then complain to me when things didn't work out the way they'd hoped.

Being friend zoned is like going for a job interview, being told you are perfect for the job, have all the qualifications and necessary skills but they won't hire you. instead, they will use you and your CV (AKA resume) to judge all the other applicants by. when the DO hire someone, it will be someone that's not as good at the job at you would be so when they decide to let that person go, they still won't hire you but will call you to complain about the person the hired in your place.

 

[Yuno Gasai]

Actually, we all shouldn't be using stock phrases in delicate situations. We all should also respect that our decisions are our own and as sure as the girl's potential decision not to date a guy has to be respected, so does the guy's potential subsequent decision that he wants nothing further to do with her.

There is so much truth to this, and it's essentially what I would've said myself, if I trusted myself to be eloquent.

It also comes down to the fact that both parties deserve better than to receive a generic copy-pasta response.. like "It's not me, it's you."

Captcha: "love you"
[sub][sub]Oh you, Captcha, you terrify me sometimes.[/sub][/sub]

 

[Eamar]

Being friend zoned is like going for a job interview, being told you are perfect for the job, have all the qualifications and necessary skills but they won't hire you. instead, they will use you and your CV (AKA resume) to judge all the other applicants by. when the DO hire someone, it will be someone that's not as good at the job at you would be so when they decide to let that person go, they still won't hire you but will call you to complain about the person the hired in your place.

Sometimes that might be accurate, but being friendzoned doesn't automatically mean she's looking for someone just like you. That's a pretty arrogant point of view if you apply that to every instance of friendzoning. It can, and often does, mean that she likes you as a human being, enough to be her friend, but she isn't attracted to you. I have plenty of really close male (and female, equally relevant really since I'm bi) friends, but I'd never dream of getting with most of them simply because we just wouldn't work as a couple. My long-term boyfriend is very different in many ways to most of my friends.

 

[BlindTom]

Intimacy is not something a man requests, it is something he offers. The same applies to women.

As soon as you start to view it this way then you never have to worry about being "entitled" to somebody's feelings or actions. In the same vein it means you can stop being needlessly cruel to people who pick up on your signals and conclude that you are offering intimacy, only to find that you have been messing them about.

There are two very distinct types of frustrated "nice guy."

One feels like he is buying a woman's intimacy through gifts/bribery etc, then he gets short changed. This is because he lacks social maturity and respect for women/humanity, hopefully he will grow out of it. You can help him do this.

The other feels wanted by the woman, she appears to have fluttered into his hand, he responds by reciprocating this attention/flirting etc only to be rejected out of nowhere. In this case- unlike the former- he is more socially mature than the woman and feels crushed and confused when he is met by the "FUCK YOU YOU ARE PARASITE NICE GUY ASSHOLE. NO RESPECT NEED NOT BE MUTUAL. I DO WHAT I WANT YOU NOT DA BOSS A ME" prominent amongst socially immature women who feel "empowered" by accounts of this phenomenon.

Hopefully these men and women will grow out of their childish viewpoints and we can all accept that this is a more complicated issue than "all men are assholes especially the ones who try not to be" or "all women a manipulative bitches, treat them like shit, they like it."

 

[ThePS1Fan]

Please consult this video
Thanks.

 

[Onjenae]

friendzone = putting a spin on rejection

I feel the problem most inexperienced guys have is trying to become good friends and build a comfort zone before moving on. Say they meet a chick they like thru a friend of a friend and hang out for two nights, they text, talk, invite her to do whatever in a friendly lets just hang out way. They establish a friendship and attempt to move from there. Whereas most guys would just go with "Hey, you are pretty and I want to know more about you" and toss in some sexual innuendo to let her know this is a "I want to f*** the hell out of you" meeting. If she rejects you, move on, if she doesn't, well, job done.

It doesn't happen to "nice guys" it happens to the inexperienced and scared, both of which are undesirable traits.

i agree with most of your post

 

[Daystar Clarion]

It's really weird reading threads like these.

I've been in a relationship since I was 15 and I'm engaged to that person I met oh so many years ago.

I've never had to experience the 'friend zone'.

 

[Onjenae]

Eh I should hope you don't get too much hate for saying someone shouldn't be put on a pedestal. But the "doing everything" is just something I do for all my friends regardless. I was raised as that small-town farmboy and it's just kind of my upbringing to do whatever you can for your friends.

Oh that kind of `doing everything` is okay if it's something you do for everyone, what I meant is when a guy always tries to do stuff for you and only you (if you like it or not). Afformentioned guy who thought I had friendzoned him would always try and carry things for me whether I liked it or not, it came to the point I had to just snap at him to cut it out when he was refusing to let me carry a bag with a can of cola and some gum in it (stuff I had bought).

I believe we qualify those as "creepers." And not the exploding kind. Some people need to get the difference that being nice =/= being romantic, and will not further any romantic goals. Some people also need to learn that doing something to one person only is just weird, unless of course you're already dating.

this is basically what ive been saying msot nice guys are weird

buy a gril they have absolutely no relationship with gift after gift, offer to do things msot normal males would never do for a female and ocnstantly show specail attention to that one particular female all in hopes of her liking him


when she rejects him he blames it on the fact that she likes bad boys when in reality she rejected him because from the get go she told him she wasnt attracted yet nice guys cant take a clue

 

[Onjenae]

It's really weird reading threads like these.

I've been in a relationship since I was 15 and I'm engaged to that person I met oh so many years ago.

I've never had to experience the 'friend zone'.

lol your lucky

 

[Onjenae]

Eh I should hope you don't get too much hate for saying someone shouldn't be put on a pedestal. But the "doing everything" is just something I do for all my friends regardless. I was raised as that small-town farmboy and it's just kind of my upbringing to do whatever you can for your friends.

Oh that kind of `doing everything` is okay if it's something you do for everyone, what I meant is when a guy always tries to do stuff for you and only you (if you like it or not). Afformentioned guy who thought I had friendzoned him would always try and carry things for me whether I liked it or not, it came to the point I had to just snap at him to cut it out when he was refusing to let me carry a bag with a can of cola and some gum in it (stuff I had bought).

see this is a perfect example of what im talking about i love your post.


did this nice guy also get jealous when you talked about other males in fornt of him as if yall were a couple ? i know alot of nice guys get mad when the girl they like talks about other men they act like they own her

 

[miketehmage]

Completely agree with the OP in every way. I used to consider myself a "nice guy" that got "friendzoned" but I soon realised that I'm infact not a nice guy at all, that I wasn't friends with the girl at all and that my feelings towards her were completely shallow. So really, I was an asshole.

Not saying it didn't work out well for me, but guys, lets get off the high horses and stop pretending we're the victims. Women have no obligation to feel anything towards or be attracted to anyone.

EDIT: Oh forgot this though, if she is leading a guy on who is her friend and clearly likes her, and I mean REALLY leading a guy on and he isn't just delusional, just for the sake of heightening her own self esteem, then that's when I'd allow the guy to say he was friendzoned.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

So you become friends with a female, and you really like her in that way. You spend time with her, you're kind to her, and you're always doing her favors. Eventually you pluck up the courage to confess your attraction and then GASP! she doesn't like you that way, and wants to stay friends! So now you go to all your buddies and cry that you were "friend zoned". Oh my goodness how dare that biotch not have any romantic feelings towards you!! You weren't a jerk to her so you were entitled to a relationship with her! And since your plans to get a little action were in vain, you cease being friends with the girl. And now the girl is left without a friend, and the knowledge that you were only friends with her in hopes of getting in her pants.

Not quite. I can't speak for everyone, but if I really really like a girl, I actually find it very difficult to be "just friends", I also then find it can to have a negative impact on future relationships. Power to you in you can stay friends with someone after, obviously it's the better thing to do, but you shouldn't (necessarily) blame somebody for not.

Do you realize how ridiculous whining about being "friend zoned" is? And that if you really wanna be a nice guy, that you should be nice to girls even if you don't want in their pants?

Agreed.

Also, when a girl says "I wish I could find a guy like you" but they don't want you, think of it this way: (stealing the metaphor from a friend of mine) Say you are out shopping and you want to buy a red pair of shoes. You get to the shoe store and find a nice pair of red shoes, but that particular pair of shoes isn't exactly suited to your taste so you continue looking and maybe you end up getting a pair of shoes completely different to what you were originally looking for. So when a girl says, "I wish I could find a guy like you" it means she likes your qualities, but isn't attracted to you. This does not make her a hypocrite, or a *****. So please stop whining and making yourselves out to be a victim of some heinous crime because the girl you like doesn't like you.

Obviously it doesn't make her a *****, but surely you can understand it being painful to hear.

Sorry for the little rant, I've just seen too many "friend zone" related memes and rage comics recently. 0___0

Also agreed.

 

[Onjenae]

Completely agree with the OP in every way. I used to consider myself a "nice guy" that got "friendzoned" but I soon realised that I'm infact not a nice guy at all, that I wasn't friends with the girl at all and that my feelings towards her were completely shallow. So really, I was an asshole.

Not saying it didn't work out well for me, but guys, lets get off the high horses and stop pretending we're the victims. Women have no obligation to feel anything towards or be attracted to anyone.

i love this post.


dudes in here trying to argue the truth most nice guys are jsut assholes in disguise. thery are mad cuz one asshole happens to gety more paly than they do because he is a honest asshole unlike the niceguy who pretends to be a female friend just to get in her pants.