Cheating in relationships: your views?

[Vanguard_Ex]

From a purely scientific standpoint males are going to want to have sex with as many girls as possible, to increase their chances of reproducing. That's just the way it is.

In my own personal opinion it is fundamentally wrong. Agreeing to enter into a relationship is agreeing to give yourself over the other person, breaking that by cheating is the worst thing you could do.

But like I've said several times in this thread, we don't just follow our genetic programming like so many other animals. We don't just eat, fuck and die.
We have morals, social codes, complex emotions and communication. We are more than our biology makes us.

I believe that a person is defined by their control over their instincts and actions, that we have the option. I would never take being a creature as an excuse. In fact, I recall something in wiki saying something about how we don't have mating seasons because humans form pair bonds...

"...permanent secondary sexual characteristics, the forming of pair bonds based on sexual attraction as a common social structure and sexual ability in females outside of ovulation. "

I may be wrong. Either way, I believe one's romantic relationship is one of the most important events in a person's life, so it should be treated with the utmost respect.

Cavouku here, for example, is right on the money. We don't just want to breed full stop. It's why we choose who we stay with till the end.

 

[Soxafloppin]

Never experienced it, if it happened to me, she should expect a an elbow dropped from the top rope.

Cheating is disgusting, if you want to go around different girls then be single, its not a hard concept to grasp.

 

[Varrdy]

Assuming the relationship is monogamous then, yes, cheating is never good. Something is obviously very wrong with one of (or both) parties and the relationship is pretty much screwed, if you'll pardon the expression.

I'm in an open relationship (because my GF is in the USA, studying and will be for a good while yet) and, while I've been chaste (not by choice), I know she hasn't because she tells me so (although I ask to be spared the details). That's not really cheating though because the term only applies to secretive (or not so secret if you're a Premiership footballer!) fiddlings with someone who isn't your partner in a closed relationship.

I would say that I consider it very, very wrong, simply because I have seen what it can do to people. Having a close friend going out of his mind thanks to his partner cheating on him with nearly 20(!) other guys (all unprotected) not only upset him greatly, he also had to endure nearly a month of panic as he waited for the AIDS test results. Thankfully he was OK but his ex-partner is still on my "punch hard in face" list.

Wardy

 

[CroutonsOfDeath]

I don't think that there should be cheating in a relationship at all; presuming this is a normal "relationship." When it comes to open relationships and swingers or whatever, I don't give a damn what (or who) they do but when I start a relationship with someone else I'd prefer it to stay that way. I don't think cheating is right, and I'm kind of old fashioned that way. I feel that way when I look at other peoples relationships too, presuming they aren't one of those aforementioned loose ones.

 

[DonMartin]

Look, cheating is bad. That is why it's called cheating, we naturally consider it something bad.

It's no longer cheating if youre in a really open relationship, or if youre swingers, and you both agree that sex is something you can do for fun with just about anyone.

My point being, there's no good cheating. It's something else if it's alright with the partner.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

I think cheating is wrong but I have no problem with my girlfriend if she tells me she wants to fuck someone else. We talk and discuss if one of us wants to sleep with someone else and its fine. The love in our relationship isn't built around sex, sex is a physical act that we both enjoy. The love we have for each other comes from being together, doing things together, talking and interacting with each other.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

On the other hand I am single at the moment and generally I base these things around who I am with, what she is comfortable with. Open relationships are nice, closed ones are nice too, I am happy with either and I wouldn't do anything she didn't want.

Of course that isn't really classed as cheating. Cheating is breaking trust, and if a partner does trust me to be with only her, if I broke that promise it would be very wrong and I'd never do that because I respect my girlfriends.

To be honest, monogamy isn't something that has to be important for anyone who is open-minded enough to realize it is an archaic concept

I would have to disagree. I think it is only an archaic concept to those who cannot face only sleeping with one person at a time, if I'm being honest. It isn't a case of open-mindedness, this is why some of the most open-minded and intelligent people I've ever known will still have monogamous relationships and stay true to them.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

SNIP

EEsh way to aim an arrow at my dillemma. Bullseye. I like my friends girlfriend. And hes hardly nice to her by any stretch of the imagination. Shes always crying about him and what he does and says. I really like her but she well.... lacks confidense to break it off with him. Im taking her on a date today, i did the same thing last week but nothing happened then, we just had an epic time. I would feel terrible being a cheater with her but... this case blurs all the lines of right and wrong when it comes to cheating.

I dont know really, i dont think its right 99% of the time. I dont even think this is truly right, il just end up confusing her. I think the idea of having someone else invovled with someone special to you is a horrible idea, i couldnt stand it regardless of WHAT side of the cheating im on, iether the one cheated on or the one that assisted with the cheating.

Well since you both haven't done anything thus far you're still not a bad friend or cheater or anything by that stretch of imagination.
Sometimes we just end up in situations where there is not clear cut solution...no matter what, someone's going to get hurt. How badly does he treat her?

He never talks to her during the day and when he is interested its iether five mins at the end of the day or places where her personality are not his focus... if you get my drift. He also does drugs and smokes despite her hating it and insults her for being closed minded when she tried to tell him how she feels about it. there is a little... chemistry between us and some tension on the last date. Im seeing her in about half an hour. Im not sure what il do.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

Assuming the relationship is monogamous then, yes, cheating is never good. Something is obviously very wrong with one of (or both) parties and the relationship is pretty much screwed, if you'll pardon the expression.

I'm in an open relationship (because my GF is in the USA, studying and will be for a good while yet) and, while I've been chaste (not by choice), I know she hasn't because she tells me so (although I ask to be spared the details). That's not really cheating though because the term only applies to secretive (or not so secret if you're a Premiership footballer!) fiddlings with someone who isn't your partner in a closed relationship.

I would say that I consider it very, very wrong, simply because I have seen what it can do to people. Having a close friend going out of his mind thanks to his partner cheating on him with nearly 20(!) other guys (all unprotected) not only upset him greatly, he also had to endure nearly a month of panic as he waited for the AIDS test results. Thankfully he was OK but his ex-partner is still on my "punch hard in face" list.

Wardy

I feel for your friend, knowing something like that would revert me back to the mental equivalent of a 5 year old who's just lost his favourite toy. I think I would be physically sick.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

SNIP

EEsh way to aim an arrow at my dillemma. Bullseye. I like my friends girlfriend. And hes hardly nice to her by any stretch of the imagination. Shes always crying about him and what he does and says. I really like her but she well.... lacks confidense to break it off with him. Im taking her on a date today, i did the same thing last week but nothing happened then, we just had an epic time. I would feel terrible being a cheater with her but... this case blurs all the lines of right and wrong when it comes to cheating.

I dont know really, i dont think its right 99% of the time. I dont even think this is truly right, il just end up confusing her. I think the idea of having someone else invovled with someone special to you is a horrible idea, i couldnt stand it regardless of WHAT side of the cheating im on, iether the one cheated on or the one that assisted with the cheating.

Well since you both haven't done anything thus far you're still not a bad friend or cheater or anything by that stretch of imagination.
Sometimes we just end up in situations where there is not clear cut solution...no matter what, someone's going to get hurt. How badly does he treat her?

He never talks to her during the day and when he is interested its iether five mins at the end of the day or places where her personality are not his focus... if you get my drift. He also does drugs and smokes despite her hating it and insults her for being closed minded when she tried to tell him how she feels about it. there is a little... chemistry between us and some tension on the last date. Im seeing her in about half an hour. Im not sure what il do.

Sounds like a rough situation alright.

You don't have to take my advice at all, but I suggest you weigh up what is more important to you: this girl's happiness, or you and your friend's relationship. You could even gently coerce her into telling you how she feels with her relationship with him. Still, I would try to resist the urge to do anything as of yet. Try and keep it fair and square if you see what I mean.

 

[grautry]

OK, to all the people in here who think cheating is the worst thing ever, and that if you want to sleep with someone else it means that you don't want to be in that relationship - it is just not that simple. How about this scenario for example:

You are married to the woman you love and have a couple of beautiful children together. As a consequence of the hormonal changes that have taken place she no longer has any libido. None. The woman you love no longer wants to have sex with you. You still love your wife and want to bang her 5 times a day. You still love your kids too, so ending the relationship isn't an option, however not having sex for the next 40-50 years isn't an option either.

Answer 1: I would repress my sexual desire for the rest of my life. Bullshit.
Answer 2: I would make my wife regain her sexual desire. Bullshit. If you knew how to do that you'd already be a billionaire.
Answer 3: I would get my wife to agree to an open relationship. She says no.
Answer 5: Turn my back on the woman I love and my children so that I could satisfy my sexual desire and not be considered a cheat.
Answer 4: Stay with my wife and continue to be a good husband and father but have sexual intercourse with someone else.

I'm sorry, but is this supposed to be some unsolvable situation?

Here's what you do:
You continue asking her about the open relationship. You ask her over and over and over again. You explain that you need sexual intimacy in your life which she is unable to provide. You explain that sex was an important part of your relationship - ask her how she'd feel if some element of the relationship that she considers important disappeared.

In the meantime, you explore hormonal therapies that might reverse the hormonal changes that led into this situation in the first place, while continuing to be a faithful husband.

You give yourself anywhere between six months and a year of the above.

If neither option works then you simply tell her. You don't ask for an open relationship, you tell her that it's going to be one from this point on. You explain that you simply can't live without sex and stay satisfied with your life. She is free to do whatever she wants with this situation. If she thinks that this merits a divorce, then so be it - but you remind her that the children will suffer for it.

The above - of course - assumes that you genuinely cannot live without sex. If you can sacrifice it(though I consider that insane) then there's no problem.

 

[teisjm]

This is all written with "normal" relationships in mind, where it is assuemd, that both parts would very much not like the other to fuck around. If people have an open relationship, and have agreed that it's fine to fuck other people, no harm is done, and it's not really cheating.

It's a very disrespectfull act towards your partner, you're betraying their trust, and without a good reason. Lots of other things can have a good reason but "i felt like getting my dick wet" is not one of them.
It's not much different from having sex with your best friends girlfriend/boyfriend. you're betraying their trust, quite possibly ruining your relationship with them for good, and over what? an hour of enjoyment?
If you think about it, any instance of cheating on your partner mentioned forther down in this post, can be swapped with fucking your best friends partner.

You may think, but hey, it's not such a big dea
l, it's not like shit has changed just cause i fucked someone else, but it matters to your partner, most likely it matters a whole fucking lot, and if you're willing to do that to them, just for a quick bang then you should really consider whether or not you actually give a shit about them.
I'm willing to say that most likely, you don't if you cheat. Eitehr that or you're a) too stupid/egocentric to realize that just cause you think it's not a big deal they might not think so. or b) too god damn retarded to think about it, and controll your lust at all.
"It was an accident, and it didn't mean anything" are probably amongst the lamest excuses ever, how did it happen, was you lying peacefully on your back, naked, with a hard on when she just passed by accidently, naked, and she fell and landed on your dick, and then an earthquake came and started rumbling things up, and you accidently came?.
If you're unable to controll something that simple, you're nothing but a slave to your instinct, like animals, and i wouldn't treat you with more respect than i do animals.

If you honestly doesn't care about your partner, maybe you're just with her/him to have someone to bang or something, and don't really see them as a friend outside of teh bed, at least have enough fucking honor to break it up with them before sleeping around.
Don't keep someone around just for comfortable security, without really giving a shiot about them, thats really weak, and only shows that you're a pittyful person, without independence.

Relationships are hard to be in without somehow hruting your partners feelings, eitehr when you break up, or because you're not what/how he/she wants you to be in one way or the other, or in other ways, and you can't totally avoid that. When you break up with soemone, they most liely get hurt, it sucks but you can't really just stay with someone you don't wanna be with just to spare their feelings, that would be stupid. But you can keep your pants on, it's not liek you're beeing asked to give away your freedom or the rest of your life (as in stayign with them forever, from the break up example) You're just beeing asked to say to to a mere moment of pleassure, because it would hurt someone who you're supposed to care a lot about a lot. If you can't even do that, you're only proven that you really don't give a shit about anyone but your own sorry ass.

If you want to be with many different partners and not be bound to one, no problem, just be honest about it, and don't engage in a romantic relationship with any of them, while keeping them in the dark about how you're with others as well. Sure a lot of potential bed-partners might pass on you, if you're not gonan be exclusive with them, but if you see this as an excuse to get involved with them while cheating on them behind your back, it proves that you're nothing but an untrustworthy coward, who lacks too much compassion to give a fuck about anyone but yourself.

Bottom line, be honest and good to the people who are supposed to be importnat to you (your partner, your friends etc.) and if they'r enot important to you, don't pretend they are just to get your own way.

TLR: cheating is wrong, and like fucking your best friends wife. don't comment if you can't be bothered to read.

 

[Reagus]

Question I have is not if cheating is good or bad (its obviously terrible), but what COUNTS as cheating.

I mean, does your girlfriend kissing another guy on the lips count as cheating or what?

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

This is all written with "normal" relationships in mind, where it is assuemd, that both parts would very much not like the other to fuck around. If people have an open relationship, and have agreed that it's fine to fuck other people, no harm is done, and it's not really cheating.

It's a very disrespectfull act towards your partner, you're betraying their trust, and without a good reason. Lots of other things can have a good reason but "i felt like getting my dick wet" is not one of them.
It's not much different from having sex with your best friends girlfriend/boyfriend. you're betraying their trust, quite possibly ruining your relationship with them for good, and over what? an hour of enjoyment?
If you think about it, any instance of cheating on your partner mentioned forther down in this post, can be swapped with fucking your best friends partner.

You may think, but hey, it's not such a big dea
l, it's not like shit has changed just cause i fucked someone else, but it matters to your partner, most likely it matters a whole fucking lot, and if you're willing to do that to them, just for a quick bang then you should really consider whether or not you actually give a shit about them.
I'm willing to say that most likely, you don't if you cheat. Eitehr that or you're a) too stupid/egocentric to realize that just cause you think it's not a big deal they might not think so. or b) too god damn retarded to think about it, and controll your lust at all.
"It was an accident, and it didn't mean anything" are probably amongst the lamest excuses ever, how did it happen, was you lying peacefully on your back, naked, with a hard on when she just passed by accidently, naked, and she fell and landed on your dick, and then an earthquake came and started rumbling things up, and you accidently came?.
If you're unable to controll something that simple, you're nothing but a slave to your instinct, like animals, and i wouldn't treat you with more respect than i do animals.

If you honestly doesn't care about your partner, maybe you're just with her/him to have someone to bang or something, and don't really see them as a friend outside of teh bed, at least have enough fucking honor to break it up with them before sleeping around.
Don't keep someone around just for comfortable security, without really giving a shiot about them, thats really weak, and only shows that you're a pittyful person, without independence.

Relationships are hard to be in without somehow hruting your partners feelings, eitehr when you break up, or because you're not what/how he/she wants you to be in one way or the other, or in other ways, and you can't totally avoid that. When you break up with soemone, they most liely get hurt, it sucks but you can't really just stay with someone you don't wanna be with just to spare their feelings, that would be stupid. But you can keep your pants on, it's not liek you're beeing asked to give away your freedom or the rest of your life (as in stayign with them forever, from the break up example) You're just beeing asked to say to to a mere moment of pleassure, because it would hurt someone who you're supposed to care a lot about a lot. If you can't even do that, you're only proven that you really don't give a shit about anyone but your own sorry ass.

If you want to be with many different partners and not be bound to one, no problem, just be honest about it, and don't engage in a romantic relationship with any of them, while keeping them in the dark about how you're with others as well. Sure a lot of potential bed-partners might pass on you, if you're not gonan be exclusive with them, but if you see this as an excuse to get involved with them while cheating on them behind your back, it proves that you're nothing but an untrustworthy coward, who lacks too much compassion to give a fuck about anyone but yourself.

Bottom line, be honest and good to the people who are supposed to be importnat to you (your partner, your friends etc.) and if they'r enot important to you, don't pretend they are just to get your own way.

TLR: cheating is wrong, and like fucking your best friends wife. don't comment if you can't be bothered to read.

Read the whole thing and I have to say I agree with everything you say. If one of the two has been so selfish and stupid, they don't even deserve the comfort of a relationship. There are few things that hit me as hard as cheating.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

Question I have is not if cheating is good or bad (its obviously terrible), but what COUNTS as cheating.

I mean, does your girlfriend kissing another guy on the lips count as cheating or what?

To me, yes. Anything which should be reserved between the two of you is cheating in my eyes. Obviously sleeping with someone else is much, much, much more serious.

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

If you want a nice existence, you base it on truth. Screwin' about and then enjoying the relationship you're already in is heinous. It shows a lack of respect for who you're with, and a pathetic level of self-control.

You have to live with the things you do...so don't be an ass-hole.

 

[thahat]

'dont' its the only thing that needs to be chizzeld into your brain.
this is my oppinion.

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

I would have to disagree. I think it is only an archaic concept to those who cannot face only sleeping with one person at a time, if I'm being honest. It isn't a case of open-mindedness, this is why some of the most open-minded and intelligent people I've ever known will still have monogamous relationships and stay true to them.

I agree with this emphatically. While the traditional concept of monogamy (in religious forms of marriage, where a man basically owns his wife) are, indeed, archaic, monogamy itself is hardly archaic. In order to consider it an outdated idea, one would have to think of relationships as the only means of obtaining intercourse, where one only chooses a partner with sex as the objective and entire purpose.

The modern idea behind monogamy isn't about settling on one fuckbuddy for the rest of your life, it's about having stability. If I want to have casual sex (which isn't too often), I can simply hit on one of many girls I know that have a "titanic Aryan" fetish; however, the only reason I choose to indulge in such things is because I've given up on ever finding a compatible partner. Back when I was a naive, wide-eyed fool, the idea of having a single partner for the rest of my life was already appealing; not because I was thinking "hey, free sex forever!", but because I understood that always having one person I could intimately trust would be a serious emotional anchor (the good kind); I'm not speaking as a hopeless romantic, I'm speaking as a bitter, jaded dickhead that knows how extensively a committed relationship can act as a counterweight to his own emotional instability.

If some freakish chain of events leads me to get involved with another person, it'll be monogamous; not because I want to control them, not because I'm inherently jealous (although I can certainly seem like it when I know my trust is being violated), not because I'm too unambitious to want multiple sexual partners at once, but because I want someone I can count on to be my tether to sanity when I need them to be. That's something I'll never get from one-night-stands (tried that) or short-lived relationships (tried that too). Going back to the main topic of cheating: the act utterly pulverizes every ounce of stability and peace of mind that I was seeking from a relationship by showing me that my partner is deceptive, self-serving and incredibly untrustworthy; that's why I value monogamy.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

I would have to disagree. I think it is only an archaic concept to those who cannot face only sleeping with one person at a time, if I'm being honest. It isn't a case of open-mindedness, this is why some of the most open-minded and intelligent people I've ever known will still have monogamous relationships and stay true to them.

I agree with this emphatically. While the traditional concept of monogamy (in religious forms of marriage, where a man basically owns his wife) are, indeed, archaic, monogamy itself is hardly archaic. In order to consider it an outdated idea, one would have to think of relationships as the only means of obtaining intercourse, where one only chooses a partner with sex as the objective and entire purpose.

The modern idea behind monogamy isn't about settling on one fuckbuddy for the rest of your life, it's about having stability. If I want to have casual sex (which isn't too often), I can simply hit on one of many girls I know that have a "titanic Aryan" fetish; however, the only reason I choose to indulge in such things is because I've given up on ever finding a compatible partner. Back when I was a naive, wide-eyed fool, the idea of having a single partner for the rest of my life was already appealing; not because I was thinking "hey, free sex forever!", but because I understood that always having one person I could intimately trust would be a serious emotional anchor (the good kind); I'm not speaking as a hopeless romantic, I'm speaking as a bitter, jaded dickhead that knows how extensively a committed relationship can act as a counterweight to his own emotional instability.

If some freakish chain of events leads me to get involved with another person, it'll be monogamous; not because I want to control them, not because I'm inherently jealous (although I can certainly seem like it when I know my trust is being violated), not because I'm too unambitious to want multiple sexual partners at once, but because I want someone I can count on to be my tether to sanity when I need them to be. That's something I'll never get from one-night-stands (tried that) or short-lived relationships (tried that too). Going back to the main topic of cheating: the act utterly pulverizes every ounce of stability and peace of mind that I was seeking from a relationship by showing me that my partner is deceptive, self-serving and incredibly untrustworthy; that's why I value monogamy.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I cannot agree more. The idea that we can just abandon these ideas because 'we live in modern times'? No, to me that reeks of bullshit, and in my opinion it's jsut a way to try and have your cake and eat it in a way that just defies who we are.

 

[NoNameMcgee]

I would have to disagree. I think it is only an archaic concept to those who cannot face only sleeping with one person at a time, if I'm being honest. It isn't a case of open-mindedness, this is why some of the most open-minded and intelligent people I've ever known will still have monogamous relationships and stay true to them.

But you see the thing is, sex isn't sacred to me; it's just sex. If people involved are not jealous of each other and it isn't causing problems, there is nothing wrong with having multiple partners and it's perfectly conceivable to have a happy and serious relationship while enjoying sex with more than just the person you're with. Assuming you both know about it, I mean.

Everyone views sex differently. To me, sex that is 'making love' is the best sex. However sex can also be act of entertainment that means nothing more than any other act of entertainment, but is very enjoyable none-the-less. I think everyone can do what they feel is best for their relationships, and I understand this cannot work for everyone, but I do think that monogamy is something of the past and a lot of people (and couples) are beginning to grow out of it more than ever before. When you put it into perspective, logically; a couple that are completely secure and comfortable with their relationship should not need to restrict themselves only to each other, sexually. Putting aside any religious or spiritual views on sex, the main two things that prevents people from doing this is either a complete disinterest in sex with other people, or (more often) an insecure and jealous attitude. To anyone who agrees that sex can be just sex: why, in that case, is it important that you only have sex with each other? As long as everyone knows the details of what is happening, and obviously protection is used etc, it can be a fantastic way of keeping things 'spicy' in your relationship; particularly if you are doing these things together (threesomes for example).

There is a reason why so many married couples become disinterested with each other sexually after a while of being married. It's because they've done the same damn things with the same damn person for 10 years and only have even more of that to look forward to for the rest of their lives. You can always try new things together but you're always going to be limited by what you are willing to do with your partner and what your partner is willing to do with you. And even if you're still very attracted to each other, that doesn't change the fact that everyone fantasises about other people... and there's a reason we do that. Adding another person (or people) into the mix can prevent these problems before they happen, and can even stifle them after they have happened.

I am not even a particularly sexual person, I am just very open to these ideas because I genuinely believe monogamy is a dated concept. Although I am perfectly happy to (and more often than not, do) accept monogamy in my relationships because firstly it isn't overly important to me, and secondly it should be a mutual decision and if my partner is only comfortable being monogamous, that's fine... I do still think it is unnecessary.

Anyway this is fairly offtopic I suppose since the thread was about cheating, and anything consensual like this isn't cheating.

 

[kintaris]

Cheating is pointless. You're either with someone in an agreed open relationship or casual relationship, in which case, just bloody tell them what's going on. Or you've committed yourself to a relationship, in which case, what the hell are you doing cheating? If you feel the need to sleep around in the latter case its because something is wrong with your relationship, and you should just bloody well talk about it with your significant other. If you feel you can't talk about it with your significant other for some reason, there's your bloody problem.

....Hmm. I sound... bitter...