An old one is where you put two fingers up to someone's nose (usually sideways) and say "smell ya mum"
Clever insults?
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What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.PreviouslyPwned said:
From the same episode, I like "The zoo called. You're due back by six."
When arguing with someone, "If I wanted my come back, I'd wipe it off your girlfriend's face."
Interchange "girlfriend" with whichever female relation seems best appropriate to your victim. You may also exchange "face" with "ass".
Interchange "girlfriend" with whichever female relation seems best appropriate to your victim. You may also exchange "face" with "ass".
Some I've come across in my time. Pronuciation is very important if you want the Irish experience.
"There will be two hits in it me hitting you and you hitting the floor hai."
"If you dance with a shnake expect to get shlithered on and I have plenty of shlime."
"Your ma"
"There will be two hits in it me hitting you and you hitting the floor hai."
"If you dance with a shnake expect to get shlithered on and I have plenty of shlime."
"Your ma"
I like to confuse people with reverse psychology, that is if you want to call it that. Basically I'll shout a compliment at them (doesn't have to be true), in a very angry voice. Or I'll say something mean in a complimentary voice. For example:
Shouting "YOU HAVE NICE HAIR!" as if you were pissed off and used it as a genuine insult. Every time I've done it it left them speechless and confused. Just the sheer "wai... wha...?" is worth it.
Not clever or witty really, but it ends the back and forth insults.
Shouting "YOU HAVE NICE HAIR!" as if you were pissed off and used it as a genuine insult. Every time I've done it it left them speechless and confused. Just the sheer "wai... wha...?" is worth it.
Not clever or witty really, but it ends the back and forth insults.
The "lines" are your index finger and ring finger. "Read between" and what do you get? Middle finger without actually doing it.Shadowcreed said:I still don't see itCrimsonBlaze said:
You cannot believe how many people I've done this to and I've been able to get away with it. I think only one person that I've done this to has actually come back to me (days later, mind you) and told me that they were offended by it. When I asked them why, they simply said that they felt like I was being rude to them. So feel free to use it as much as you like.
fuuuuck
DugMachine said:I feel dumb but what am I supposed to feel from seeing that?CrimsonBlaze said:
You cannot believe how many people I've done this to and I've been able to get away with it. I think only one person that I've done this to has actually come back to me (days later, mind you) and told me that they were offended by it. When I asked them why, they simply said that they felt like I was being rude to them. So feel free to use it as much as you like.
edit: Nevermind I see it now..
Enlight me because I can't see a damn thing here - are they all middle fingers or what's the deaL? xD
When someone returns from an especially long toilet break, "I bet that was a load off your mind"
I was really getting annoyed with this punk (one of the "wiggers"), and eventually refered to gangbanging.
At which point I responded: Oh! you're a gangbanger? So im guessing you the one in the middle...
I think he said something about getting his gat and capping my ass, but it was kinda drowned out by the howling laughter.
At which point I responded: Oh! you're a gangbanger? So im guessing you the one in the middle...
I think he said something about getting his gat and capping my ass, but it was kinda drowned out by the howling laughter.
The most clever insult I've heard comes from Winston Churchill to his wife(?). Forgot her name, but the exchange went like this:
Wife: You are drunk!
Winston: And you are ugly. But tomorrow, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.
Burn-levels off the charts.
Wife: You are drunk!
Winston: And you are ugly. But tomorrow, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.
Burn-levels off the charts.
I created this one myself and I'm very proud to use it on people that deserve it:
"Go fuck yourself; and if the universe is kind, may that be the ONLY thing that fucks you."
"Go fuck yourself; and if the universe is kind, may that be the ONLY thing that fucks you."
While I myself didn't but my borther did years ago.
One time when he was having a team multi deathmatch on Halo, his team were getted their arsed kicked by an Australia team. When the Australia team won the match, someone on their team reply "So you lost to us just like you did with Cricket" (Well it was something like that). That person made a witty reference to the cricket match with England vs Australia at that time.
One time when he was having a team multi deathmatch on Halo, his team were getted their arsed kicked by an Australia team. When the Australia team won the match, someone on their team reply "So you lost to us just like you did with Cricket" (Well it was something like that). That person made a witty reference to the cricket match with England vs Australia at that time.
Almost every single day, something stupid is said to me and I will say something uninspired at the time then spend the week subconsciously formulating a witty response, then lament not using it. And on the rare occasion I do say something clever, it is often drowned out by yet more stupidity. You just can't win.
Four somewhat clever things I've said at the actual time (that I can remember) are:
In response to "You look like a girl with that hairstyle" (I have a ponytail):
1. "Then it is with great regret that I inform you that you are blind in the lower 90% of your eyes."
2. "Better than looking like a fucking moron for mistaking someone with no tits and facial hair as a female".
3. "If only I had your stature, even those with common decency and a brain would be fooled".
In response to a deluded prophet-like Lebanese man who occasionally shouts from atop the stair leading to my platform in the morning (this was the fifth and last time I saw him, but I may just be lucky):
"What is the point of this? What are you trying to do? Spouting contrived and incoherent bullshit only makes you look like an idiot. If people on this platform already believe in God, then they take nothing from what you say, those who don't are probably less likely now to believe than before, and if any of them has even the briefest knowledge of how earthquakes work, what you are saying is an insult to their intelligence."
Response: "What I'm saying is the word of God, and if you can't see that you are going to go to hell." - loosely paraphrased.
I threatened to call the police and report him as a public nuisance. It has apparently worked.
And one plain intimidating thing I said only a few days ago, in response to "Hey, are you a ******?" (this said by a lowlife on the train, at night, who came and deliberately sat opposite me although he was already on the train):
"Coincidentally, no, but I have been programming for the last 5 hours and I am in no fucking mood for this. So if you know what's good for you, you'll shut your fucking mouth and move to another seat while you still have the use of your legs."
In an incredible stroke of luck, after provoking me on and off betweentimes, he chose the few minutes before my station to make physical contact, allowing me to pick up my bag, uppercut him in the gut, and walk out of the carriage in one smooth motion. I have my moments.
Four somewhat clever things I've said at the actual time (that I can remember) are:
In response to "You look like a girl with that hairstyle" (I have a ponytail):
1. "Then it is with great regret that I inform you that you are blind in the lower 90% of your eyes."
2. "Better than looking like a fucking moron for mistaking someone with no tits and facial hair as a female".
3. "If only I had your stature, even those with common decency and a brain would be fooled".
In response to a deluded prophet-like Lebanese man who occasionally shouts from atop the stair leading to my platform in the morning (this was the fifth and last time I saw him, but I may just be lucky):
"What is the point of this? What are you trying to do? Spouting contrived and incoherent bullshit only makes you look like an idiot. If people on this platform already believe in God, then they take nothing from what you say, those who don't are probably less likely now to believe than before, and if any of them has even the briefest knowledge of how earthquakes work, what you are saying is an insult to their intelligence."
Response: "What I'm saying is the word of God, and if you can't see that you are going to go to hell." - loosely paraphrased.
I threatened to call the police and report him as a public nuisance. It has apparently worked.
And one plain intimidating thing I said only a few days ago, in response to "Hey, are you a ******?" (this said by a lowlife on the train, at night, who came and deliberately sat opposite me although he was already on the train):
"Coincidentally, no, but I have been programming for the last 5 hours and I am in no fucking mood for this. So if you know what's good for you, you'll shut your fucking mouth and move to another seat while you still have the use of your legs."
In an incredible stroke of luck, after provoking me on and off betweentimes, he chose the few minutes before my station to make physical contact, allowing me to pick up my bag, uppercut him in the gut, and walk out of the carriage in one smooth motion. I have my moments.
i usually go for a shock and awe tactic to get people to shut up. usually by being random and just plain weird. but also by using words that arn't necessarily large, but they just won't understand. i also am a big fan of creative threats, and being a 6'4" male who dresses in dark clothes and wears a spiked leather collar in public, i get taken seriously a lot when i use them.
like i'm a fur, i'm open and unapologetic about it. a common person on the street won't know what "yiff" means (the cleanest version i can give is that it basically means "fuck") and even if they do it'll take a minute to register. throw that into a sentence and they'll usually get quiet real fast while they piece it together.
most of my quips are styled to the situation and are really only one-time uses. i tend to forget them after a while too due to a bad memory. though some of the really good ones are paragraphs long. anything the recipient says after that basically sounds stupid and petty unless it's even LONGER. then you have the potential for an epic battle of the insults between intellectual powerhouses.
like i'm a fur, i'm open and unapologetic about it. a common person on the street won't know what "yiff" means (the cleanest version i can give is that it basically means "fuck") and even if they do it'll take a minute to register. throw that into a sentence and they'll usually get quiet real fast while they piece it together.
most of my quips are styled to the situation and are really only one-time uses. i tend to forget them after a while too due to a bad memory. though some of the really good ones are paragraphs long. anything the recipient says after that basically sounds stupid and petty unless it's even LONGER. then you have the potential for an epic battle of the insults between intellectual powerhouses.