Ditching someone who friend zones you (Edited)

[Hazy]

Escaping the friendzone?

If someone isn't attracted to you, then the chances are he or she is not likely to change. Stop trying to force it, that's not dissimilar to wanting to inflict Stockholm Syndrome.

Someone somewhere is masturbating over you. Go find that person. Meet that person. Be friends. Make love. Bring them breakfast in the morning. Go to a museum later. And so on.

But you don't escape the friendzone 9/10, all you do is drive someone away.

This is true. I'd alter it to say that "out there, there's a woman masturbating over you" but not only should you find that woman, you should make women masturbate over you.

What I'm mainly getting at in that opening is, when you don't know how to properly act in a way that attracts women, you're going to end up making a lot of mistakes, which is going to skew your chances even more. There's a very good chance you two would work well together, but she can't see it due to something you've done in the past i.e nervousness, submissiveness, and all around being someone that isn't a "romantic."

This is all about bringing your A-game.

Correct. This isn't how you escape the friendzone, however. You should be approaching her like this. Not a sweaty, fevered, mouth-breathing "Hhhhgh, I waaaant you!" but a simple "I like you a lot, would you like to go on a date?".

If you'd rather be friends first, then use your words. "I like you a lot, and I would like to be friends to see if we get along. Would you like to have some coffee and see where things go?".

If you're friends with someone and THEN you develop feelings for them, don't act weird, just say "Hey, recently I've been having some feelings for you; would you like to come on a date with me?"

Being honest will get you much further. If she/he says no, however, don't be THAT GUY/GIRL. You know THAT GUY/GIRL. THE GUY/GIRL who bitches and moans and talks about him or her behind their back. They'll never like you if you do that, and you know what? No one fancies that guy or girl.

First and foremost, thank you very much. And yes, you are correct, you don't want to approach them as a disheveled mess. I say to take the direct approach for two reasons: 1) it leaves no doubt in their mind as to what you mean, and 2) it shows that you have the confidence to come right out and speak your mind. I've had far too many friends (as well as myself earlier in life) blow their chances with a girl because they hesitated and were too scared to make the move. The burner had gone cold so to speak.

Again, true, but again, this should be how to approach it. There are quite a few shitty people, man or woman, who exist, and they will string you along for as long as you'll let them.

If someone wants to date you, they'll make it work somehow. If they're busy, they'll suggest other dates. If someone goes wrong, they'll try to make new arrangements.

Now, my fellow daters, if someone stands you up, or cancels the last minute for no reason, or consistently doesn't show, or is a major pain to book for, stop trying to date them.

It's not a rom-com; they're not having random problems, it's not strange, they simply don't respect or regard you well enough to go to the effort for, and you deserve better. Drop them completely (even as friends; friends should respect each other) and find other people. Like I said, there is SOMEONE who DOES want you.

Bingo. That's why it's always a bad idea to focus entirely on one person: there's always a chance it won't work out. If they keep consistently blowing you off then you're better off finding someone else.

Studying body language can be useful. Being direct is more useful, and dating is like anything. Practise helps. The more you date, the better you get. That's why people tend to have either 2/3 boyfriends or 30 girlfriends.

I would alter this advice:
1) Are you attractive? No? Get attractive. Lose weight, look nice, dress well, shower, brush your teeth, etc. You can have a style, but "gross" is not a style.

2) Are you interesting? I suggest you have 3 types of hobby, and one of each. Something active, like a sport. Something creative, like painting or music. Something knowledgeable like some kind of language or history or something.

3) Would you date you? Are you kind? If not, why not? Sort that out.

4) Get some pride, get some confidence. You know who is unattractive? People who sit there and moan and don't take compliments.

Very good addition. Pretty much expands upon what I meant by "bettering yourself," and still very solid advice.

...This one is interesting, in that I don't quite agree.

My advice is after a while, just make plans together. Get some coffee or something, nothing with pressure or obligation. If they umm or ahh, just drop the issue and find someone who deserves your awesome company.

There's no pressure whatsoever, but it's good to get it started off on the right foot. Just like in the animal kingdom, women love men who are self-sufficient and able to look after themselves (and, in addition, others.)

And again, spot on: if they're not ready to go through with it, find someone who will.

 

[RoonMian]

I'd generally say: Both. Brain chemistry wise being in love has a lot in common with addiction. If you have feelings for someone that are not requited but want to stay friends, then ask for a timeout. Spend a few months (however long you need) without contacting that person, seeing that person and ideally without thinking of that person just to wean you off. Otherwise you'd be an analogy to an alcoholic who tries to go sober by hanging out in bars every night. After that get back in touch and see if friendship is still on the table.

If yes then a few months radio silence are nothing that can really hurt a good friendship.

If not then better have an ending with horror than a horror without ending.

 

[lacktheknack]

"I never particularly liked you, I just wanted to have sex."

Alternatively, "I'm incapable of being friendly with women who have rejected my attempts to have sex with them."

How bad at interaction and intention are you if you can't maintain friendships because the friend in question didn't allow you to pork them? :/

That's not exactly fair. I've been in positions where I've tried to date women and "lets just be friends" has actually meant "I want to be your friend, instead" rather than "nope, move along" after the first couple dates, and it's kind of a bullshit situation.

If I wanted a new friend then I would have looked for a new friend rather than a romantic/carnal relationship. It seems like a kind of bizarre runners-up prize, where I kind of have to take it to not look like a prick, but its just not what I wanted at all and I would rather just move on.

I'm referring to people who specifically say it will make them bitter to continue being friends, as mentioned in the OP.

As someone who hangs out with his ex, I can't imagine that being healthy.

 

[CManator]

For me it really depends on the situation.

If I got "friend zoned" because I never got up the nerve to ask her out, I can accept that's my own fault and continue being friends.

If I ask a girl out and she says, "No, but we can be friends" it may sting a little, but I can be friends. I did my part by asking her out, she did her part by giving an honest answer and I can accept it and move on.

If I ask a girl out and she says maybe or yes, knowing she isn't actually interested and leaving me to figure it out on my own, I can't be friends with her. I always prefer a hard truth over a happy lie, and trying to spare my feelings just hurts me more in the long run than a simple no ever could. Sadly, most of the girls I've asked out fell into this category and I'm quite bitter about it. This is the biggest reason I'm afraid to ask women out. I can handle rejection, but false hope is not something I take lightly.

 

[Suhi89]

There are still people who seem to think it's about sex. Maybe for some people it is but usually when people complain about not having any sex, it's because no-one will have sex with them, not just because one individual won't. They might talk about how they are always being friend zoned or something along those lines.

What I think most people mean when they say that they have been friend zoned (it's what it's always meant between me and my acquaintances anyway), is that you feel romantic feelings towards a friend who doesn't feel the same way. There is a specific target of their affections, someone they develop strong feelings for that go beyond feelings of lust. They may be already having sex in a FWB situation as I was and so fulfilling their physical desires, but want a deeper emotional connection that you can't get from just sex. That desire to connect with a particular person in a deep way that goes beyond friendship is, to me anyway, much stronger than lust. If I have a friend I'd quite like to have sex with who doesn't want to have sex with me, which has happened relatively often, that's fine, it might be a little ego bruising but I get over it, there will be other chances for sex. When you fall for someone head over heels, someone you're just desperate to spend time with because you love their company, someone you'd willingly not have sex with if you thought it might damage your relationship, and they don't feel the same about you, they just want to be friends, that's the friend zone. And it hurts. Unlike being denied sex, where there are plenty of other potential options, there is no one else who makes you feel that way. And this feeling can only develop between friends, because you can only develop feelings that strong about someone you know well and spend plenty of time with. And sometimes, spending more time with that person just makes the feelings stronger and the only way to get over it is to distance yourself from the person for a time.

Are there really lots of people out there who have relationships based purely on sex? Have the people who think it's all about sex never been in love, never had the feeling of missing someone so much it makes them feel sick, never had someone they could just talk to all day about nothing and then cuddle up and watch a movie and not have sex and it be the most awesome day ever?

(I may feel so strongly about this because I'm missing my fiancée who lives half way across the world from me at the moment and we left each other a couple of weeks ago. If our relationship was only about sex, we wouldn't be able to cope with only seeing each other 6 weeks in a year, 5 months apart. We had sex before we even knew each other very well. It wasn't until we really got to know each other that we started feeling strongly for one another. And when her visa ran out, I friend zoned her because I couldn't see myself in an LDR. We still saw each other semi-regularly for a bit and were still having sex. Again, the friend zoning had nothing to do with her desire for sex. She's getting just as little sex now and she's definitely not in the friend zone. Then a couple of years later I came to my senses and now we're together).

TLDR: I think for most people, and definitely for me, the feeling of rejection you get when your rejected sex sucks but is no big deal. That isn't the friend zone. The friend zone is when you fall for a good friend and they reject you. Call it unrequited love if you prefer but it's the same thing.

 

[EvilRoy]

"I never particularly liked you, I just wanted to have sex."

Alternatively, "I'm incapable of being friendly with women who have rejected my attempts to have sex with them."

How bad at interaction and intention are you if you can't maintain friendships because the friend in question didn't allow you to pork them? :/

That's not exactly fair. I've been in positions where I've tried to date women and "lets just be friends" has actually meant "I want to be your friend, instead" rather than "nope, move along" after the first couple dates, and it's kind of a bullshit situation.

If I wanted a new friend then I would have looked for a new friend rather than a romantic/carnal relationship. It seems like a kind of bizarre runners-up prize, where I kind of have to take it to not look like a prick, but its just not what I wanted at all and I would rather just move on.

I'm referring to people who specifically say it will make them bitter to continue being friends, as mentioned in the OP.

As someone who hangs out with his ex, I can't imagine that being healthy.

Ah, that's fair. I thought you were speaking in general - although I might argue that while becoming bitter is probably the least mature response I can imagine, choosing not to be around the person because you are aware of your own failings is a significant step up.

 

[Hagi]

"I never particularly liked you, I just wanted to have sex."

Alternatively, "I'm incapable of being friendly with women who have rejected my attempts to have sex with them."

How bad at interaction and intention are you if you can't maintain friendships because the friend in question didn't allow you to pork them? :/

I'm genuinely confused as to these reactions.

I mean is that all there is to you to romantic relationships? Porking one another? I assume not, but that just leaves a rather frightening lack of empathy as the only explanation I can think of for this attitude.

You've never, nor can you ever imagine, genuinely liking someone, not to pork them but to you know, be with them. Gotten into a friendly relation with them where you're spending time comfortably together. And then getting rejected and just having things change, not feeling comfortable together anymore, still feeling strongly attracted to him/her even though you know you shouldn't, finding yourself unable to move on because every time you spend time together you're just falling in love again.

None of that make any sense? The only reason you can think of why someone would break off a friendship after getting rejected is that "I never particularly liked you, I just wanted to have sex."

Really?

 

[lacktheknack]

"I never particularly liked you, I just wanted to have sex."

Alternatively, "I'm incapable of being friendly with women who have rejected my attempts to have sex with them."

How bad at interaction and intention are you if you can't maintain friendships because the friend in question didn't allow you to pork them? :/

I'm genuinely confused as to these reactions.

I mean is that all there is to you to romantic relationships? Porking one another? I assume not, but that just leaves a rather frightening lack of empathy as the only explanation I can think of for this attitude.

You've never, nor can you ever imagine, genuinely liking someone, not to pork them but to you know, be with them. Gotten into a friendly relation with them where you're spending time comfortably together. And then getting rejected and just having things change, not feeling comfortable together anymore, still feeling strongly attracted to him/her even though you know you shouldn't, finding yourself unable to move on because every time you spend time together you're just falling in love again.

None of that make any sense? The only reason you can think of why someone would break off a friendship after getting rejected is that "I never particularly liked you, I just wanted to have sex."

Really?

1. I've never, ever seen someone who genuinely wanted the relationship complain about "being friendzoned". That's why I played up the porking.

2. Nope, I can't relate. My whole two attempts at sparking something have 1. failed spectacularly, and 2. resulted in a lovely, sexless three-month relationship that split amicably and we're still friends. Both of these left me unshattered, untorn, and comfortable.

I'm unable to understand why people cannot repress their romantic feelings. It's what I do. If you repress them enough, they die and life goes on. I thought that's how people eventually "get over" failed relationships.

 

[Hagi]

1. I've never, ever seen someone who genuinely wanted the relationship complain about "being friendzoned". That's why I played up the porking.

2. Nope, I can't relate. My whole two attempts at sparking something have 1. failed spectacularly, and 2. resulted in a lovely, sexless three-month relationship that split amicably and we're still friends. Both of these left me unshattered, untorn, and comfortable.

I'm unable to understand why people cannot repress their romantic feelings. It's what I do. If you repress them enough, they die and life goes on. I thought that's how people eventually "get over" failed relationships.

They do.

It's just that for many that includes taking distance from the one who sparked said feelings. Effectively ditching them, often ending the friendship entirely. Staying friends with someone at the expense of your own feelings and happiness I'd say is about as unhealthy as getting into a relationship with someone at the expense of yourself as the strawman "nice guy" seems to expect.

As for your #1, that's just blatantly false. Why do you think the whole friendzone thing even exists? Because people are a tad annoyed they didn't get to have sex? Of course not. It's because they genuinely wanted the relationship. They really, really, really wanted to be together to the point of it in all likelihood ending up a disastrously unhealthy relationship if it ever did start.

I guess I just don't understand this entire vilification of the friendzone. The reality in the majority of cases, something born out of desperation and inexperience, seems quite bad enough without trying to imply it's sheer malevolence.

 

[Suhi89]

1. I've never, ever seen someone who genuinely wanted the relationship complain about "being friendzoned". That's why I played up the porking.

2. Nope, I can't relate. My whole two attempts at sparking something have 1. failed spectacularly, and 2. resulted in a lovely, sexless three-month relationship that split amicably and we're still friends. Both of these left me unshattered, untorn, and comfortable.

I'm unable to understand why people cannot repress their romantic feelings. It's what I do. If you repress them enough, they die and life goes on. I thought that's how people eventually "get over" failed relationships.

They do.

It's just that for many that includes taking distance from the one who sparked said feelings. Effectively ditching them, often ending the friendship entirely. Staying friends with someone at the expense of your own feelings and happiness I'd say is about as unhealthy as getting into a relationship with someone at the expense of yourself as the strawman "nice guy" seems to expect.

As for your #1, that's just blatantly false. Why do you think the whole friendzone thing even exists? Because people are a tad annoyed they didn't get to have sex? Of course not. It's because they genuinely wanted the relationship. They really, really, really wanted to be together to the point of it in all likelihood ending up a disastrously unhealthy relationship if it ever did start.

I guess I just don't understand this entire vilification of the friendzone. The reality in the majority of cases, something born out of desperation and inexperience, seems quite bad enough without trying to imply it's sheer malevolence.

In your two posts you've made exactly my point but far more succinctly. On your last paragraph, I do wonder if it's mainly a teen/young adult thing? A combination of raging hormones and inexperience.

 

[Vault101]

That reminds me: did you ever put air holes in your friend zone?

I just abondoned it and waited for the smell to go away...I might burn it down and build a new one

 

[Quickman]

Women make too many distinctions between "friend" and "lover", forgetting most guys do not want this.

I was lead on for a LOOOOOONG time before she finally flat out told me she wasn't interested. I wasted my time, she took advantage of my kindness, and left me an injured person. While we are taught not to put women on a pedestal many women ENFORCE that pedestal because it elevates them above their own equal status. It's a form of superiority that isn't addressed. They act seductive, use flirtatious methods to lead you on, drop random hints... and in general care less about how you feel.

God forbid we live in a generation where a personality, intelligence, morals, ethics, and decency are valued above the status of trying to obtain someone way out of your league. The equal to equal ratio between what men can obtain and what men obtain is severely unequal. Western society empowers women to step outside of their gender for the sake of power.

I stopped caring a long time ago. Putting yourself out there in a positive way is no longer considered the right thing to do. Women have been taught to seek power, not respect and love.

OT: Leave her be and don't psychologically damage yourself from years of frustration, humiliation, negativity, and pain. Some people, regardless of how moral of a human being you are, simply do not hold "doing the right thing" and consider it a weakness in these times.

Ditch the person. A relationship is a two way street.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Cut her loose, what's the point of hanging around an unrequited love.

 

[Phil the Nervous]

If you want to have sex with someone who thinks you're her friend, and you stop being friends with her because she won't have sex with you, doesn't that make you kind of a dick?

I'm honestly asking, I've never really understood social behavior.

 

[Total LOLige]

If you want to have sex with someone who thinks you're her friend, and you stop being friends with her because she won't have sex with you, doesn't that make you kind of a dick?

I'm honestly asking, I've never really understood social behavior.

I haven't a clue either but I'd say it's a dick move. The fact that you can't have sex with someone shouldn't be a reason to terminate a friendship. In reality you can't have sex with most of your friends(because of many variables, in a relationship, not gay/straight whatever), so why should that kind of situation be different. It is unfair though to stay friends and continue your pursuit.

Also these threads are boring now, they always end the same way, bitching and bans. It's not funny anymore(I just want to post husker du, ok):

 

[Ieyke]

Can't respond to thread with actual advice.
I'm in love with 2 women.
I've been friendzoned by one for 10 years and can't fathom ever not loving her or not having her as a friend, so I'll just live my life loving her more than I can tell her.
I WASN'T friendzoned by the other, and in fact we mutually love each other...but she was already in a relationship by the time we evolved beyond just being friends....and now she's married.

So,
The friendzone sucks.
The NON-friendzone sucks too.

Actual love is worth any amount of suckiness, in my book. But then I'm relentless, steady as a mountain, and can only change how I approach the things I hold as truths at a glacial pace...if at all....so me sticking it out isn't even really a choice.
I could not talk to them for years, but I'd still love them all the same. I'd never NOT be aware of it.
*shrug*

 

[Vault101]

Women make too many distinctions between "friend" and "lover", forgetting most guys do not want this.

I was lead on for a LOOOOOONG time before she finally flat out told me she wasn't interested. I wasted my time, she took advantage of my kindness, and left me an injured person. While we are taught not to put women on a pedestal many women ENFORCE that pedestal because it elevates them above their own equal status. It's a form of superiority that isn't addressed. They act seductive, use flirtatious methods to lead you on, drop random hints... and in general care less about how you feel.

how do you know she was "leading you on" instead of thinking you were her freind? did you make it clear at ANY point that you wated more? she DID actually tell you she wasn't interested..how does that put her in the wrong? if being with her in a platonic way was "a waste of time" why did you like her in the first place?

[quote/]God forbid we live in a generation where a personality, intelligence, morals, ethics, and decency are valued above the status of trying to obtain someone way out of your league. The equal to equal ratio between what men can obtain and what men obtain is severely unequal.[/quote]
did it ever occur to you she might have her own reasons for not going out with somone or for pursuing somone else? that different women want different things?


[quote/]Western society empowers women to step outside of their gender for the sake of power.[/quote]
step outside their gender? what is "their gender"?

 

[Mikeyfell]

The whole principle of the "friend zone" is silly to me.

Having a friend is better than having a girlfriend/boyfriend
If you just want to fuck someone then be strait with them. If you lead with asking for sex it will save you a lot of time and trouble.
if your intentions are to do the deed, and you lead by convincing them you want a relationship it's either going to go poorly for both of you or it's going to be a waste of effort

if you want to have a relationship with them friendship is a relationship (And in my opinion it's the better one)

If your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't more amazing than a mere friend, I would say that your relationship sucks.

Friends are good, but there is a reason we don't marry friends.

Of course, you're not discussing the friendzone, you're discussing one sided lust. I believe the friendzone is when you want to love someone mutually, yet the feelings are reciprocated.

everyone I've dated was my friend before we started dating.
and when we started dating they turned into shit heads (read as "completely different people")

in a practical sense what (Besides the potential for sex) is the difference between a friend and a girlfriend?

if someone is "friendzoning" you, the only thing that means is that they don't want to have sex. right?
(Unless friendzoning is when someone is too polite to say "Get the fuck away from me you creep" but it that's the case you should probably leave that person alone)
if that's the case how does what I said not apply to the friend zone?

 

[Erttheking]

If you liked her enough to consider her a friend before the feelings started up (I'm assuming that's how with happened) then frankly, do you really want to give up this relationship just because she is uncomfortable taking it to the next level? The feelings will pass, just let them go. Don't let HER go.

Also random note...how come guys are never accused of putting girls in the friend zone?

 

[Phil the Nervous]

Also random note...how come guys are never accused of putting girls in the friend zone?

From what I'm reading here, most guys leave if they can't get sex so... no friend no zone :/