I don't play DnD but I have many, many stories from my groups long running Post Apocalyptic Western game, it is pure craziness. I will have to post some.
DnD stories
- Thread starter Flying-Emu
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One time I was feeling particularly evil, so here's the backdrop. We were guarding the caravan of a moon elf diplomat, and our scout was a drow.
ME: It'd been about five days and the Drow was starting to feel pangs of "need".
BEN: What are you thinking?
ERIC: Trust no one.
ME: Shut up. Ben, you see the moon elf in her nighty staring alluringly at you through the tent.
BEN: Goddammit.
ME: Will save.
(rolls a nine)
ME: Fail. You walk to her tent and she offers you a drink. Make another.
(rolls a nineteen)
ME: You resist momentarily until the nighty fails to hide something important.
NICK: Get the Barry White.
ME: Make one last one.
(natural one)
BEN: What the fuck!?
ME: Bow-chicka-bow-wow! You spend a romantic night with the moon elf.
(game progresses to the following morning)
NICK: Do we see anything at the mouth of the river?
ME
roll) Just a band of fifteen or so gnolls. Higher class bandits.
BEN: I'll take point. See if I can find anything else.
ERIC: (very loud) BUT YOU HAVE A CHILD TO THINK ABOUT!!
(I spit out my drink and the game degenerates into about fifteen minutes of hysterical laughter.
ME: It'd been about five days and the Drow was starting to feel pangs of "need".
BEN: What are you thinking?
ERIC: Trust no one.
ME: Shut up. Ben, you see the moon elf in her nighty staring alluringly at you through the tent.
BEN: Goddammit.
ME: Will save.
(rolls a nine)
ME: Fail. You walk to her tent and she offers you a drink. Make another.
(rolls a nineteen)
ME: You resist momentarily until the nighty fails to hide something important.
NICK: Get the Barry White.
ME: Make one last one.
(natural one)
BEN: What the fuck!?
ME: Bow-chicka-bow-wow! You spend a romantic night with the moon elf.
(game progresses to the following morning)
NICK: Do we see anything at the mouth of the river?
ME
roll) Just a band of fifteen or so gnolls. Higher class bandits.BEN: I'll take point. See if I can find anything else.
ERIC: (very loud) BUT YOU HAVE A CHILD TO THINK ABOUT!!
(I spit out my drink and the game degenerates into about fifteen minutes of hysterical laughter.
We had a capmainge in the real world (I know, its lame) but it had one EPIC moment: we were in a cheap motel.
DM: , you wake up
Me: I go and rain the kitchen!
rest of group: cant you doing something usefull?!
me: shut up!
Dm: you find 5 fridges
me:I open the first
dm: there are vegdtables
me: yuck, i open the next one
*this goes on...*
me: I open the fifth one
DM: you find 5 brains and a hugh bowl with body parts, and some bottled blood
rest of group: *gasp*!
me:... well, I'm hungrey enough for this too...
DM: , you wake up
Me: I go and rain the kitchen!
rest of group: cant you doing something usefull?!
me: shut up!
Dm: you find 5 fridges
me:I open the first
dm: there are vegdtables
me: yuck, i open the next one
*this goes on...*
me: I open the fifth one
DM: you find 5 brains and a hugh bowl with body parts, and some bottled blood
rest of group: *gasp*!
me:... well, I'm hungrey enough for this too...
Recently my GM sent the entire party on a drunken bender with terrifying results.
Two characters with a long and unspoken sexual tension between them ended up hooking up.
Two characters ended up having a threesome with the bar owner.
One character ended up sleeping with the wife of the Mob Boss we were currently at war with.
One character ended up owing far too much money to a rather scary pimp.
It was truly insane and the entire evening was full of painful laughter as we watched the GM struggle to figure out exactly what the results of our insane drinking would be.
Two characters with a long and unspoken sexual tension between them ended up hooking up.
Two characters ended up having a threesome with the bar owner.
One character ended up sleeping with the wife of the Mob Boss we were currently at war with.
One character ended up owing far too much money to a rather scary pimp.
It was truly insane and the entire evening was full of painful laughter as we watched the GM struggle to figure out exactly what the results of our insane drinking would be.
I just started at a new school and made a couple friends.. they invited me to their D&D game, and I was super excited.. I asked them what level they were playing, and they said level 1.
So I made a level 1 half-elf sorcerer, with a huge backstory...
when I got to the game.. they were level 1.. class level 1...
One character was a vampire.. another was a magma paragenasi (which wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't making up rules as he went along), and another was a Yuanti Half-blood. Yeah.. REAL fun game.
Another game, I was playing a mage, and the DM didn't give me a chance to rest.. we were going to this village called Deerhaven.. so We fight our way through 3 sessions without a single rest for my poor mage.. and when we finally get to the final leg of our journey, we're talking about the rest we're going to have.. and we see smoke on the horizon..
I look at the DM and say "If this is what I think it is, I'm quitting." He grins.. sure enough, we get to Deerhaven, and it's burned to the ground.. I find a baby in the rubble and I'm just like "screw this game." and left.
Another game i was playing another mage, and our DM stupidly gave us a deck of many things in our first game, at level 1. I pulled the "5th level henchman" card, and the "Vast Gem Wealth" card, so I'm loaded down with gems, and have a henchman who's 4 levels higher then I am..
The DM decides he doesn't want me to have that Henchman, so he makes him run through this liquid metal wall, we hear him screaming and crash onto spikes below.. I look at my DM and say "You shouldn't have given him to me, but are you really going to punk me like that?" he nodded, and then I followed my henchman to my own death, and left the table.
God I hated most of my DMs, lol.
So I made a level 1 half-elf sorcerer, with a huge backstory...
when I got to the game.. they were level 1.. class level 1...
One character was a vampire.. another was a magma paragenasi (which wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't making up rules as he went along), and another was a Yuanti Half-blood. Yeah.. REAL fun game.
Another game, I was playing a mage, and the DM didn't give me a chance to rest.. we were going to this village called Deerhaven.. so We fight our way through 3 sessions without a single rest for my poor mage.. and when we finally get to the final leg of our journey, we're talking about the rest we're going to have.. and we see smoke on the horizon..
I look at the DM and say "If this is what I think it is, I'm quitting." He grins.. sure enough, we get to Deerhaven, and it's burned to the ground.. I find a baby in the rubble and I'm just like "screw this game." and left.
Another game i was playing another mage, and our DM stupidly gave us a deck of many things in our first game, at level 1. I pulled the "5th level henchman" card, and the "Vast Gem Wealth" card, so I'm loaded down with gems, and have a henchman who's 4 levels higher then I am..
The DM decides he doesn't want me to have that Henchman, so he makes him run through this liquid metal wall, we hear him screaming and crash onto spikes below.. I look at my DM and say "You shouldn't have given him to me, but are you really going to punk me like that?" he nodded, and then I followed my henchman to my own death, and left the table.
God I hated most of my DMs, lol.
I'm DMing my first game with some first-time players. I'm not very good yet, but we have managed to have some hilarious moments, mostly revolving around this critical-hit/fumble table my dad has.
The party (consisting of a curiously Aryan-looking Cleric of Tyr, a short thief with a penchant for spears and an illiterate monk) has come to the conclusion that elves are pathetic. Truly pathetic. Every elf group they've encountered (all two of them!) has made some ridiculous fumbles.
We've had a sea elf slit his own throat by fumbling and rolling "critical hit self"
Another elf we encountered somehow managed to roll a 00 on the fumble chart, which means "roll 3 more times for fumbles". He managed to twist his ankle, drop his weapon, and knock the guy next to him (another elf) unconscious.
That's not forgetting the goblin who somehow chopped his own leg off.
We also have our thief attempting to buy thief's tools from the head of a merchant's guild.
Oh, and said same thief managed to persuade the other two party members that an astrologer hired (for 100gp) to survey the heavens for signs of "the dark", who died as soon as she looked through the telescope, failed to complete her job and therefore it was in their rights to take back half of the fee they'd paid her. This is an LG monk and NG cleric I'm talking about, the thief himself is CG.
Not to mention the bear who, upon seeing his master impaled on a spear, went completely bonkers and did enough damage to cause a system shock roll in the hapless Sahuagin.
The party (consisting of a curiously Aryan-looking Cleric of Tyr, a short thief with a penchant for spears and an illiterate monk) has come to the conclusion that elves are pathetic. Truly pathetic. Every elf group they've encountered (all two of them!) has made some ridiculous fumbles.
We've had a sea elf slit his own throat by fumbling and rolling "critical hit self"
Another elf we encountered somehow managed to roll a 00 on the fumble chart, which means "roll 3 more times for fumbles". He managed to twist his ankle, drop his weapon, and knock the guy next to him (another elf) unconscious.
That's not forgetting the goblin who somehow chopped his own leg off.
We also have our thief attempting to buy thief's tools from the head of a merchant's guild.
Oh, and said same thief managed to persuade the other two party members that an astrologer hired (for 100gp) to survey the heavens for signs of "the dark", who died as soon as she looked through the telescope, failed to complete her job and therefore it was in their rights to take back half of the fee they'd paid her. This is an LG monk and NG cleric I'm talking about, the thief himself is CG.
Not to mention the bear who, upon seeing his master impaled on a spear, went completely bonkers and did enough damage to cause a system shock roll in the hapless Sahuagin.
in my defense, I made a Cansin Sorcerer (a cansin is a chaotic planetouched, like an aasimar or tiefling are good and evil planetouched, and a magma paragenasi is an earth/fire planetouched).. and it was one of my favorite characters ever.Amnestic said:
but yes, I made a lowly half-elf who was remarkably outgunned, and that game was fun for about 5 minutes. The only saving grace was that the vampire was played by this chick that I had the hots for, so anything that let me be in the same room with her was ok by me
And now a DND inside joke
our DM is really stricks, and hate it when we don't play seriusely
so there are "Asaf Events"
If we inturupt to much horrible things will happen, the orignal Asaf Events (by the asaf himself) were dying by falling down the stairs, and chocking to death on a cloud of gas pee.
one event I witnessed was one of the party memebr trying to invent soccor.
he tryed to kick a can, fell on his head, he tryed again missed the can.
when he tryed for the third time, the DM was pissed, and the can hit the head of the leader of a barbaric Orc gang, you can ausme what happened...
our DM is really stricks, and hate it when we don't play seriusely
so there are "Asaf Events"
If we inturupt to much horrible things will happen, the orignal Asaf Events (by the asaf himself) were dying by falling down the stairs, and chocking to death on a cloud of gas pee.
one event I witnessed was one of the party memebr trying to invent soccor.
he tryed to kick a can, fell on his head, he tryed again missed the can.
when he tryed for the third time, the DM was pissed, and the can hit the head of the leader of a barbaric Orc gang, you can ausme what happened...
Well, I found a very fancy trap in T&T that includes a room filled with alchemical substances and explosive gasses. The cleric of the group stood close to the door while the wizard decided that the best way to open the door would be a fireball "Don't worry, it's only 8D6, it won't kill him." but because of all the explosive gasses the cleric ended up with 14D6 damage, ended up at -8 before someone was able to force the last healing potion into him. The same cleric died from two fireballs later, the sorcerer and wizard teamed up on a woodling which the cleric was already fighting. DOH!
One session in a D&D game I liked was about us finding a vase filled with green, glowing water in a cave 25 metres down a cliff. We all tied ropes around us, bungee-jumped into the cave and lost 9 health each. EXCEPT me and our Gnomish Ice Sorcerer. I took the rope our Dwarven Cleric had used and tied it around me. It was too short, so I had to untie myself, fail my climbing throw, lose 11 health due to spiky rocks, swallow a lot of water, eat the rope of our Ranger and then get on dry land. Plus we had to fight a hydra, it's first attack was to breath fir on us all, making us lose 15 health. Then it bit us with it's three other heads, and so on. Only the Sorcerer and the Ranger hadn't gone unconsious after the battle.
My greatest story would have to be the game I played last night.
The party is traveling to kill a chimera, and we come across a cave. Our ranger shadowforms and scouts ahead into the cave to find 3 men doing what looks like a ritual around a giant cauldron. He comes back out and tells the party what he saw so we come to the conclusion that its 3 brothers that we heard rumors about who are apparently evil for some reason or another. So me, the level 20 evoker (or something to that affect dont care to write all the prestige classes i whent in to) decides that 'Hey why don't I drop a big boom on them and draw them out of the cave'. We all figure thats a good idea so i throw Meteor Swarm at them. We hear an explosion, then three more explosions, then just tons of explosions. We see it coming out the cave at us and we promplty dive to the side as flame explodes out of the mouth of the cave. Apparently the cave was the brothers base of operation and besides the giant cauldron they had a ton of magical items/potions/etc. stored in there wich when hit with my meteor swarm started a chain reaction that basically nuked the entire cave leaving nothing but ashes.
This promplty lead to 10 minutes of laughter and our cleric turning to me yelling 'WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!!?'
The party is traveling to kill a chimera, and we come across a cave. Our ranger shadowforms and scouts ahead into the cave to find 3 men doing what looks like a ritual around a giant cauldron. He comes back out and tells the party what he saw so we come to the conclusion that its 3 brothers that we heard rumors about who are apparently evil for some reason or another. So me, the level 20 evoker (or something to that affect dont care to write all the prestige classes i whent in to) decides that 'Hey why don't I drop a big boom on them and draw them out of the cave'. We all figure thats a good idea so i throw Meteor Swarm at them. We hear an explosion, then three more explosions, then just tons of explosions. We see it coming out the cave at us and we promplty dive to the side as flame explodes out of the mouth of the cave. Apparently the cave was the brothers base of operation and besides the giant cauldron they had a ton of magical items/potions/etc. stored in there wich when hit with my meteor swarm started a chain reaction that basically nuked the entire cave leaving nothing but ashes.
This promplty lead to 10 minutes of laughter and our cleric turning to me yelling 'WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!!?'
I remember my character from my first campaign ever...cannot remember his name, but he was a half-elf cleric. My DM for that game spent the entire time trying to kill us, at one point breaking all of my clerics limbs on account of constant critical hits by formians (Since I had way too high of an AC by level 5, I got critically hit almost every attack). My brother had a ranger and sliced through them, and a few restoration potions later, I was back on my feet, but this isn't the worst part.
The next session or the one after (cannot remember), we had to fight a blue dragon...with a cone of lightning. At this point, the DM's remaining in party character (which made me think that no DM should ever have characters in the game because they seemed to be untouchable) ran into the trees, leaving me cleric and my brother's ranger (which was not allowed to have an animal companion without what would amount to a pain in the ass sidequest) to combat the kill beast. Needless to say, it kept attacking me, mostly because I was the only one not in the damned trees. I just kept healing myself while it breathed way too often and hit it with searing light while my brother turned it into a pincushion and the DM's halfling rogue/assassin threw or shot something at it every now and then.
After we killed it (because the sessions were done my phone, I had infinite spells to make up for the DM's campaign to kill us all as fast as possible, except for his characters), my brother's ranger understandably wanted to take its hide and claws and such, but the DM pretty much forced him to give some of it, and most of its teeth, which with the claws were somehow used to make weapons, to the halfling character, or the characters would fight to the death for it. Normally, though his ranger was chaotic good, if would be a fast fight to the death, as I was on his side and would crush the rogue/assassin, but I am thinking that the DM would have killed us off at that point by having the halfling get a near constant stream of criticals...if the DM was not my brother's friend as well, my cleric would have lit the halfling on fire with some alchemist's fire and start blasting her with searing light until she were only a charred corpse, then I would have had him leap off of a high cliff, tell the DM to fuck off, and then leave the game. Of course, I only felt this way after I spent most of a session with at least two broken limbs at once and got critically hit two or three times in a row.
Near the end of our playing that campaign (it died out after we were surrounded by stone giants and I was left behind to my death so the DM's nigh invincible dwarf barbarian / gladiator could charge them), I started to do shit to intentionally piss off the DM, like grabbing the Leadership feat and constantly bug him about my followers and cohorts, eventually starting a church and leaving my cohort in charge.
The next session or the one after (cannot remember), we had to fight a blue dragon...with a cone of lightning. At this point, the DM's remaining in party character (which made me think that no DM should ever have characters in the game because they seemed to be untouchable) ran into the trees, leaving me cleric and my brother's ranger (which was not allowed to have an animal companion without what would amount to a pain in the ass sidequest) to combat the kill beast. Needless to say, it kept attacking me, mostly because I was the only one not in the damned trees. I just kept healing myself while it breathed way too often and hit it with searing light while my brother turned it into a pincushion and the DM's halfling rogue/assassin threw or shot something at it every now and then.
After we killed it (because the sessions were done my phone, I had infinite spells to make up for the DM's campaign to kill us all as fast as possible, except for his characters), my brother's ranger understandably wanted to take its hide and claws and such, but the DM pretty much forced him to give some of it, and most of its teeth, which with the claws were somehow used to make weapons, to the halfling character, or the characters would fight to the death for it. Normally, though his ranger was chaotic good, if would be a fast fight to the death, as I was on his side and would crush the rogue/assassin, but I am thinking that the DM would have killed us off at that point by having the halfling get a near constant stream of criticals...if the DM was not my brother's friend as well, my cleric would have lit the halfling on fire with some alchemist's fire and start blasting her with searing light until she were only a charred corpse, then I would have had him leap off of a high cliff, tell the DM to fuck off, and then leave the game. Of course, I only felt this way after I spent most of a session with at least two broken limbs at once and got critically hit two or three times in a row.
Near the end of our playing that campaign (it died out after we were surrounded by stone giants and I was left behind to my death so the DM's nigh invincible dwarf barbarian / gladiator could charge them), I started to do shit to intentionally piss off the DM, like grabbing the Leadership feat and constantly bug him about my followers and cohorts, eventually starting a church and leaving my cohort in charge.
looks like i might have to liven things up a bit here. Among my home dnd group i am affectionately known as epic fail guy, a name which i have earned again, and again, and again. I originally acquired the name when we started a campaign at lvl 5 and i roled a samurai out of the oriental adventures book. I had placed a lot of skill points into the iujutsu (however the hell you spell it) skill as well. Very first fight of the entire game was a kind of final fantasy 4 defeat your mirror image thus overcoming your inner turmoil fight. We broke into groups of 2 and I was in the last group to go, so after waiting about an hour because of excessively long combat, i get to fight myself. Being a samurai my mirror image and I step off to the side for an Iujutsu duel to get things done quickly. For those of you who dont know the Iujutsu skill is a skill that you can put ranks into like any other and if the circumstances are met you use it instead of an attack role, and depending on how high your role it does extra dmg. Well, i roled an 18, and was very smug, believing that the dm would soon be lamenting how quickly this fight ended, only for him to roll a natural 20..... and then another...... and then confirm the double critical. So something like 4d10 + 5d6 or something or rather.... my character exploded. So i had spent about an hour making this character, another hour watching others in combat waiting for my turn, only for him to die on the first and only role he ever made.
This all took place during my 3.5 campaign. I had way too many players but there are only two in this particular story. Basically, I had an effeminate half dragon fighter/ barbarian who dressed like a pirate, and a gnome warlock. Well, the dragon, being as strong as they are, decided he wanted a pet. So, he goes to a store to find a bird costume. I roll percentage to see if they'll have one (higher than 75, yes). I roll a 76.... So he buys the bird outfit and proceeds to stuff the gnome into it, much to the gnome's dismay. An intense battle occurs, and in the process, the gnome is killed and beheaded. The half dragon, who has had a history of "dead pets", freaks out and puts the severed head on his shoulder. He continuously shoves crackers into the open mouth while saying with a shaky voice "Polly wants more crakcers... Polly gets more crackers.... crackers for the pretty birdy..." etc. He's like this for about an hour before he gets over everything and throws the severed head stuffed with crackers into the water. Needless to say, he received gratuitous amounts of roleplaying XP.
I believe one of my favorite D&D moments would be this:
I was playing a Woodland Sniper and was at 13th level. I had the proper feats to that my arrows' critical hits were a) more common and b) hit for a tonne of damage. I was fighting a weretiger, and from across the field I manage to hit him. I scored a critical and the DM said that it struck him in the asshole. What the DM didn't realize is that all my arrows were acidic burst.
The point of this story: I raped a weretiger with an arrow and came acid in its asshole. What the fuck?
I will also relay one of my other characters who ended up in a campaign that was cancelled shortly after, I'll probably bring him back because he was so fun to play as. His name was "Pete the Liar" and was a halfling wizard with a specialization in Divination. Because he was apprentice to a powerful wizard who spent most of his time on a farm, Pete had a lot of contact with animals. Particularly when his eccentric master decided to test Pete by inserting him into an animals dreams. As a result Pete is often unsure of what animal he is. As a result before any dialogue I must roll a percentile to see if I talk like a person or act like a duck. Because of all of this I have a chicken named "Bunk" as a familiar and a Pig named "Doereggar" that I ride upon.
I was playing a Woodland Sniper and was at 13th level. I had the proper feats to that my arrows' critical hits were a) more common and b) hit for a tonne of damage. I was fighting a weretiger, and from across the field I manage to hit him. I scored a critical and the DM said that it struck him in the asshole. What the DM didn't realize is that all my arrows were acidic burst.
The point of this story: I raped a weretiger with an arrow and came acid in its asshole. What the fuck?
I will also relay one of my other characters who ended up in a campaign that was cancelled shortly after, I'll probably bring him back because he was so fun to play as. His name was "Pete the Liar" and was a halfling wizard with a specialization in Divination. Because he was apprentice to a powerful wizard who spent most of his time on a farm, Pete had a lot of contact with animals. Particularly when his eccentric master decided to test Pete by inserting him into an animals dreams. As a result Pete is often unsure of what animal he is. As a result before any dialogue I must roll a percentile to see if I talk like a person or act like a duck. Because of all of this I have a chicken named "Bunk" as a familiar and a Pig named "Doereggar" that I ride upon.
Party of four vs. a mind flayer and its grimlock goons.
Mind Flayer's psychic attack paralyzes all but the dwarf fighter, who fails his first few attacks against the mind flayer.
Mind flayer makes a successful grapple attack against the dwarf and begins the 4-round exercise of sucking out his brains.
Just as the fourth tentacle latches onto the poor Dwarf's head, he is successful in slaying the mind flayer. Also happens to be the same time the rest of the party snaps out of their trances and starts laying a serious beat down on the grimlocks that hadn't noticed their brethren were fleeing.
My first adventure ever, I played as a human rogue. We were up against three goblins. Round 1: My character took a crossbow bolt to the forehead and died.
Next adventure: Human fighter with heavy armour. Much more successful.
Mind Flayer's psychic attack paralyzes all but the dwarf fighter, who fails his first few attacks against the mind flayer.
Mind flayer makes a successful grapple attack against the dwarf and begins the 4-round exercise of sucking out his brains.
Just as the fourth tentacle latches onto the poor Dwarf's head, he is successful in slaying the mind flayer. Also happens to be the same time the rest of the party snaps out of their trances and starts laying a serious beat down on the grimlocks that hadn't noticed their brethren were fleeing.
My first adventure ever, I played as a human rogue. We were up against three goblins. Round 1: My character took a crossbow bolt to the forehead and died.
Next adventure: Human fighter with heavy armour. Much more successful.