Do you answer why you turn someone down?

[Combustion Kevin]

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only guy on this forum with romantic misadventures and misfires, rejection and being dumped is part of the course and we know it.
However, today I wish to ask a question to those who HAVE rejected or broken up with someone.

Now don't get me wrong here, turning someone down is not a bad thing, but the reason I ask is that so few people bother to explain why, and I have seen a lot of people claiming that you should never tell, and this philosophy confuses me, really.

for those interested, here's my backstory:
I'm 19 years old and have never had a girlfriend, serious or otherwise, and this is not because of a lack of trying, mind you.
Ever since I was 14 I have occassionally seen a girl that interests me and asked them out (I believe it was about nine in the last five years, could be more).

but time and time again, I face rejection either when asking them out, or after the first date, and every time I am refused the explanation why.
I know it may sound creep-ish but I think it's a fair question, I am simply unattractive for reasons I can only specify upon, with nobody bothering to tell me what's going wrong (except for that one lesbian chick, she was pretty clear about why).

I've been told I don't want to know, that it's only going to hurt my feelings, and I call bullshit on that one, because in the last five years, my confidance has turned to pretense, my attitude to insecurity, and my optimism into a mere mask.
the only thing that all the girls I've dated will unanimously agree on is that I am a "good friend", and that's not helping.

EDIT: When I ask someone out I've already known them for several months, I simply can't imagine being romantically interested in someone that I can not count among my friends first.

so, when asked, do you say why?

 

[senordesol]

Been there dude. But a girl has a right to keep her reservations to herself. If no commitment has been made and it's just a 'no thanks' scenario, that's about the best you should expect. Only if you were ever 'serious' would I suggest you are owed a explanation.

Do you have friends who are guys? Do they have girlfriends? You may have to put your hat in hand and ask for a clue as to what might be going on. Beyond that, perhaps it's time for some self-reflection. Are you pushy/overly-insistent? Do you have a job? Do you expose any sort of nerdiness (or anything else that might be saved for a few dates in) too early? You say your confidence has turned to pretense...do you act pretentious?

I had one serious girlfriend before I met my wife. And I let her know why we were through on no uncertain terms.

 

[Phasmal]

I have to ask, would you really feel better if you asked why and the girl replied `Honestly, your breath smells and you have rape-eyes`? (Or something similar)
If you went on a date with a girl you didnt like and she asked why and it was a nasty reason, would you really wanna say?

As for the original question, I often cant tell when I am actually getting chatted up, so when I think someone is, I usually just casually mention my boyfriend.
But when I was first going to college, I was looking for the art department and this guy in his twenties was showing me and being really nice, when he asked how old I was and I replied `16`, you should have seen the mental 180 he did.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

Been there dude. But a girl has a right to keep her reservations to herself. If no commitment has been made and it's just a 'no thanks' scenario, that's about the best you should expect. Only if you were ever 'serious' would I suggest you are owed a explanation.

"no thanks" is understandable, but at what point is more serious?

You say your confidence has turned to pretense...do you act pretentious?

I meant I pretend to be confidant in order to appear confidant, instead of just being.
then again, I'm a terrible liar, so there's that.

I have to ask, would you really feel better if you asked why and the girl replied `Honestly, your breath smells and you have rape-eyes`? (Or something similar)
If you went on a date with a girl you didnt like and she asked why and it was a nasty reason, would you really wanna say?

It's called constructive critisism, yes, it would make me feel better because then I can work on my shortcomings and flaws (and berate her for the rape-eyes comment if it applies).

But when I was first going to college, I was looking for the art department and this guy in his twenties was showing me and being really nice, when he asked how old I was and I replied `16`, you should have seen the mental 180 he did.

I would've loved to see that.

but seriously, is rape-eyes really a thing? that concerns me somewhat >.>

 

[Phasmal]

but seriously, is rape-eyes really a thing? that concerns me somewhat >.>

Well its like when a dude is giving someone an intense stare I tend to think `Rape eyes`.
Dont worry, it was just a lighthearted comment, I'm sure your eyes aren't rapey. Probably.

 

[requisitename]

Not as a general rule, though if I'm asked I'll give a reason. Unfortunately, the reason is often unhelpful as it tends to be non-specific. "I don't want to." or "I don't think we're compatible." or "I'm not interested in a relationship right now." are all pretty standard and truthful answers from me. I'm sorry it's not any deeper, but I'm really just not that into you.. and I don't have to justify it anymore than you have to justify not liking spinach (as an example).

So, what I'm trying to say is that when you ask girls that, you're really putting them on the spot and they are typically raised to be nice above all else. They may just be trying not to hurt your feelings, or they may feel like they don't have a good reason to give you. While I agree that feedback would be nice, I don't feel it should be expected for a casual date turndown or a turndown for a second date.

 

[holy_secret]

I always want an answer. Not knowing annoys me more than hearing an answer I don't want to know.
I guess it depends on how well you are at taking criticism.

People shouldn't be so damn weak and be afraid of giving an answer. I always give a reason why, and I expect as much from the rest of the human race.

Good luck with everything

 

[Slaanesh]

Yes, they want an honest answer, I'll give them one(I won't be a prick about it unless the situation calls for it).

"I'm not interested in a relationship right now, sorry."
"You're a little too clingy."
And my favorite,"You've been nothing but a snobby ***** to me and I'm sick of it. Fuck off ya fat whore."

Also, I actually had to give this one out once:"Dude, I'm not gay."

 

[emeraldrafael]

For the most part, yeah, i mean,t ehy deserve to know. they may not like it, but they should know. and Im not blunt about it either. Once a girl asked me why I wouldnt date her and I told her its cause shes been used by at least 15 guys I know of, another 10 my friends could name for me, and i swore to myself i would never date someone who cant keep their legs closed.

 

[Radeonx]

I try to tell them why even if they don't ask, because I feel that it is reasonable for them to know why we weren't working out.

 

[Soluncreed]

Well, when I broke up with a girl the first time, it was after a lot of thought and consideration. I just wanted to make sure I made the right choice. She noticed something was up, we got off to the side of the hallway after school, and I told her that I want to end it. When she asked why, I answered honestly. I ended up not feeling the way I thought I would about her. I wasn't really happy in our relationship. I specified that we never had a bad time together, but something just wasn't worth it. The End.

First time I had a girlfriend, she broke up with me. Over the phone. After I spent the last dollars in my wallet for a gift for her that I won at carnival. Right before we were going to go out on a date. Her reason? She thought she was hurting me because we weren't spending much time together. Never saw it coming.

I did burn that gift though. Apparently carnival prizes melt more than they burn. It was weird.

I am now happily in a relationship.

 

[fleurdust]

It's pretty difficult to admit to someone you may like as a friend that you're not attracted to them. In my experience there's not a always concrete reason.

Also in my experience, when I have said 'well, you do x, or say y, or look like z', that seems to suggest to some people that if they improve those things I might be interested. I don't really want people to change for me or feel like they're altering their behaviour based on my preferences, you know? Those are just things I might find irritating or off-putting in a person, and don't necessarily apply to other people. I don't think 'constructive criticism' is helpful in this sort of situation. I know I wouldn't like to have a break-down of all the reasons someone finds me unappealing, it would just be a massive blow to my self-esteem. I don't want to be told what I have to work on, I'm probably painfully aware of my shortcomings and don't need them highlighted further.

And let's face it, if they only know you casually (as in, they are rejecting you when you first ask them out) it's most likely going to be based on some surface level thing rather than deep-set incompatibility. Which I definitely don't need to know.

If I have been in an actual relationship then yes, I'll give a reason - /something/ must have upset me and I'm not the type to just randomly end something. I'll always try to work it out beforehand, especially if we've been together a while and I think it's worth trying to improve. Although when the reason is 'you called me a whore and weren't joking' I don't think it really needs much further explanation.

 

[crazyarms33]

Here's some free advice. Don't ask. Seriously. That's creepy. Handle it with grace and talk about it with someone you both know(if thats an option). If that is not an option just accept it. Don't try and figure out why that girl didn't like you, because then you could change it and the next girl may not like you because of what you changed. And just be you. This fake "confidence" is probably not as believable as you think...girls have a 6th sense for that kind of thing.

 

[RickyRich]

I've answered why to a couple girls with "I'm not really looking to date anyone right now. But some of them are awful persistent and they get the good ol'

Keep in mind, that is reserved for the fugly ones that won't take a hint.

 

[StBishop]

[...]
never had a girlfriend, [...] not because of a lack of trying, [...]occassionally seen a girl that interests me and asked them out [...] about nine in the last five years, [...]

I'd call that lack of trying.

If you ask someone out and give them a chance you may find they're interesting and worth spending tome with.

Ask (out/for a number from) 5 girls today. You'll be rejected a bunch but if one says yet you've got a date.

Eventually you'll get to the point where you're not phased by getting brushed off and you'll become more confident, when you decide to ask out someone that you care about already, the possible brush off will sting less.

 

[JaceArveduin]

Never been turned down or turned someone down. Prolly cause I don't really care

 

[latenightapplepie]

Hmm, I've been avoided before by a guy I was in a sortof-maybe-perhaps a relationship with. I took the hint, and we went our separate ways. I think we made up reasons for why it didn't work, but I don't really care.

Other than that, the only line I've ever really used to reject people is either: "I am gay get your flaps away from me woman!" (I'm kidding women are fantastic, please don't interpret that as sexism) or "I have a boyfriend back off you creepy gross middle-aged weirdo".