Do you answer why you turn someone down?

[Realitycrash]

I've never turned anyone down; I've always been on the other side of rejection. In fact, I have a 100% rejection rate, and I don't think that will ever change. I know the general reasons why, but I'm always left at a loss as to the specifics.

How old are you and how many times have you asked/tried to pick someone up?

23 years old, and enough times that I've lost count. I've never succeeded.

Do you believe it's due to your looks, or some other factor? And if it is due to your looks, are you "aiming withing your league", so to speak. Now I know, you shouldn't judge people solely on their looks, but I'v spoken with several close-to-obese girls that only aim at very attractive, fit guys, and they all whine over "noone liking them". The truth might be harsh, but I'm pretty sure some less attractive guys (on our western-ideal slide of attractiveness) would find them attractive.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

When I have rejected people I have always explained why... It's like a learning point, or teaching point if you will... It can allow someone to get it right the next time they meet someone...

Saying that, I was dumped by a girlfriend of 4.5 years recently, and I still don't know why! We had been arguing recently, but never really seriously, and it had dryed up pretty much by then... Personally I don't want to know the reason. I'm far too afraid of what the answer will be. It was so out of the blue that I think the answer would be something that would cause more hurt than good! Hell, it couldn't have been anything petty, we had been with eachother for so long there was nothing new habits and personality wise that we didn't already know! O well! /vent.

But overall I am much more in favour of telling the reasons. Especially at the start of a relationship. I can take criticism, and I would vastly prefer to know what not to do, or what to do next time, than be completly in the blue...

 

[Realitycrash]

Do you believe it's due to your looks, or some other factor? And if it is due to your looks, are you "aiming withing your league", so to speak. Now I know, you shouldn't judge people solely on their looks, but I'v spoken with several close-to-obese girls that only aim at very attractive, fit guys, and they all whine over "noone liking them". The truth might be harsh, but I'm pretty sure some less attractive guys (on our western-ideal slide of attractiveness) would find them attractive.

I'm pretty sure by now that it isn't my looks, and I'm going by what women say and how they react initially. It's my personality, and to change the bits of my personality which turn women off would be to snuff out any bit of distinct personality I have.

Hrm, now that's odd. What exactly are they finding unattractive? And which sort of women do you approach? And at what locals (campus/work/library/bars)?

 

[Emperor Nat]

I have no confidence to ask people out and I... well, I have that whole 'face' thing that stands in my way... but I have in the past thought to myself that I'd try to be honest if they wanted to know a reason, but do my best not to hurt their feelings.

But that's a hypothetical situation.

...So I'd probably chicken out and just go "Sorry, just...er, not... I mean... I'm not really attracted to you!" and run away as fast as my little legs could carry me. :/

 

[Palademon]

I once persued a girl who kept giving answers that evidently turned out to be fake like "I don't want a boyfriend" of "We live too far away from eachother". How do I know? The next day she went out with a guy who lives a few miles from me. It didn't last at all long though.

I was hurt and kept demanding a real reason why not me. And she could never do it.

Just over a year or two later she's figured out she's gay.

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

Barring my last ex...well, my only ex, I don't think I've been asked out by anyone since I was roughly 13 or so and back then I didn't really give a reason, I just said no, though at the time, my reason was that I simply had no desire for a relationship, I was practically asexual at the time so I simply didn't give anything of that nature any attention. I suppose now, if someone were to ask me out (as rare an occurance as that is) and I wasn't into them, I'd simply say no thanks, then wait for their reaction, as they simply just walk away afterwards. If they ask for a reason...I'm not sure I could be very honest, I don't like being mean to people who don't deserve it, so I'd probably just say something vauge like 'you're just not really my type' which should work just as well to convey that I'm not interested. I mean personally if I got rejected, I wouldn't want to know and would simply depart before embarassing myself further, then again I've never asked someone out before, so perhaps I might react a little differently in practice.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

They didn't feel the same way about you as you felt about them. There's never really a specific reason. You can't expect someone to force emotions just to not hurt your feelings, but I understand the frustration. This is coming from someone who's been on both sides of the fence (weirdly enough I've rejected more people than people that have rejected me, but that's due to the fact that I'm a coward). It's probably not because of how you look, or your interests or whatever, they just don't feel 'that' way, and it can't be helped. People can't control how they feel, else no one would ever be heartbroken.

EDIT:

I can see why you would want an explanation if someone you were in a relationship with broke up with you, because that means they liked you initially but something changed. If you're rejected when you first ask someone out you're not really entitled to an explanation and asking for one is weird. They're just not interested in you. They're not obliged to accept every offer that comes their way. I'm sure you look fine and are perfectly nice. However, people want more than that if they're going to enter a relationship with someone. To explain it in the most unhelpful way possible, you can like someone well enough, but unless you "click" in some way, like having very similar interests, sense of humour or at least mutual physical attraction, you probably wouldn't go out with them. Assuming you're not incredibly insecure and looking for validation by accepting anyone who shows interest.

Who knows, if you keep trying you might get lucky and stumble across a poor girl with serious self esteem issues. Otherwise, you can just stop actively seeking a relationship and wait until you meet someone you could genuinely see yourself spending time with. I mean, nine people in five years? In five years I'm unlikely to meet nine people I can tolerate, let alone that I would be willing to date. I'm inclined to think your eagerness to enter a relationship is clouding your judgement when it comes to real compatibility with the girls you're asking out.

This guy said it better.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

Never been asked, so I never had to.

 

[ms_sunlight]

I would never, ever tell someone why I was turning them down. Nothing you say will satisfy them, and anyway your thought processes are not necessarily any of their business.

 

[The_Emperor]

you're probs fat or ugly. I am too. I don't mean to be mean but yeah I am so thats the way it comes out.

pretty much girls dont go for anyone remotely fat, nerdy or ugly unless they are themselves or have low self esteem.

so there you are brother we are fat and/or ugly and/or nerdy/weird but dont worry, oneday you will settle for someone that you realise is the best you are going to get.

or maybe you'll get lucky who knows?

it's all bullshit anyway, not that im jaded or anything. If I could change sexual preferences at will I probs would, men have lower standards, he would probs give me a blowjob AND play halo with me afterwards.

lulz

-insert forever alone face here-

 

[manic_depressive13]

I can see why you would want an explanation if someone you were in a relationship with broke up with you, because that means they liked you initially but something changed. If you're rejected when you first ask someone out you're not really entitled to an explanation and asking for one is weird. They're just not interested in you. They're not obliged to accept every offer that comes their way. I'm sure you look fine and are perfectly nice. However, people want more than that if they're going to enter a relationship with someone. To explain it in the most unhelpful way possible, you can like someone well enough, but unless you "click" in some way, like having very similar interests, sense of humour or at least mutual physical attraction, you probably wouldn't go out with them. Assuming you're not incredibly insecure and looking for validation by accepting anyone who shows interest.

Who knows, if you keep trying you might get lucky and stumble across a poor girl with serious self esteem issues. Otherwise, you can just stop actively seeking a relationship and wait until you meet someone you could genuinely see yourself spending time with. I mean, nine people in five years? In five years I'm unlikely to meet nine people I can tolerate, let alone that I would be willing to date. I'm inclined to think your eagerness to enter a relationship is clouding your judgement when it comes to real compatibility with the girls you're asking out.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

It can. ;-)
I am of the opinion that people are rarely rational, but that's a different discussion.

I believe you can rationalize why you like (or do not like) someone, but that this is a posteriori rationalization.

When you are attracted to someone there is more at play than just a collection of positive qualities (which may, or may not be true. 'Cause that's another problem). She might have a beautiful smile, an amazing body and pretty eyes, but there are a thousand other girls with the same qualities. And you're not as attracted to them as you are to this "special" girl.

The same with friends. Sure, there are reasons why you don't hate them, but why do you like them? The reasons you do not dislike them, are not the same as why you like them.

That's the difference. Hatred is always better defined than friendship or love.

we can back and forth this all day. XD
I agree that there is more at work than just looks, but not being able to define why you love THIS specific person is not true in my opinion, it depends on how you look at it and how (much) you think about it.
attraction is more than looks, it's about character, about the strange quirks you have in common or relate to, experiences you share and subjects that interest you both.

I think it is important that you know exactly WHY you love someone, because when things get rough (and they usually do) you can think back and remind yourself why you love her, instead of planning to break up immediately.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

Here's a question for you, though: Do you want someone to want you for who you are, or are you prepared to change parts of you in order to get someone you want?
Take your time and think before you answer.

That doesn't really have a black 'n white answer, does it?
I believe in compromise, I'm willing to change some habits and be considerate towards her, but I'm not changing my interests or personality in order to make it work, because then she wouldn't actually like me.
Like, ME me.
I wouldn't dare to demand such a thing from anyone, really.

 

[Endersgate1321]

My advice is this dont undersell yourself. What your doing is right get to know them first then your more comfortable. But what i says is the most important thing any girl wants is someone who can listen and understand them personally. Just like guys some girls are concieded adn grade A jerks that you dont want.
Anything you from a girl you need to be yourself first. Kind, loving, caring, selfless, and loyal. Sorry to say this looks count too but only to a certain degree. What I mean go for the girl your attracted too. Its pointless to talk to a girl that you are really not feeling it for because that never works out for you or her. Thats all man it comes when it comes be honest about you want too tell them that your looking its not creepy its a fact about you and keep it cool and calm.

 

[Aurora Firestorm]

I will tell someone if I feel that it won't hurt them (or others) too much. "I'm not sure we have enough in common" is definitely something I'd say. And if he asked, I'd certainly explain more, although if it seemed like he was trying to talk me out of my reasoning, I'd be unhappy. Same goes for "I just don't think we'd work well together" or some such thing. I'd also tell him if I had a boyfriend or if I was interested in other people.

What I won't say are things like, "I don't think you're attractive." I know that if that was the reason someone rejected me, I would never, ever want them to tell me this. That's basically giving them a ton of reasons to be insecure and never ask a girl out again for fear she'll call him ugly. Same for any other bodily reason like "you smell funny" or "you pick your nose" or whatever. I don't want to draw shame to the person, and as such, I'll find another excuse.

I also won't tell them any other people I'm interested in, or that someone told me bad things about them ("you're a creeper and I know it but you're hiding it well -- my best friends aren't going to lie to me"). At that point, someone else could be the object of the guy's retaliation, and I don't think anyone deserves that crap.

There's also the "it's not you; it's me" reasoning, which I will certainly say, and I will explain it because honestly, everyone thinks it's a lie. But when I know I have too much baggage for the guy, I think it's worth giving them a legitimate story as to why I think I'm too broken for them. It makes them feel like I'm not just lying through my teeth.

I am a magnet for gay men, I don't get why, I have a girlfriend, I dress normally, I don't give out a gay vibe (at least I don't think so), but every time I go out into the city, I have to tell some gay dude that I am not his type. Freaking weird.

So my answer to your question would be: I am not gay.

Maybe you're just that hot? ^^

 

[LassLisa]

I wouldn't like to say why if it's a situation like that, because the feeling I get when I hear the question is that the asker is assuming the default should be 'yes' - that is, you should always accept dates unless you have a specific reason not to. For instance in the case you describe, say you're my friend, our friendship is fine, maybe I don't particularly want it to become something else.

What this means is, if I give you a reason, then I'm afraid the conversation isn't over. Say that, in addition to not having the personality I find attractive, you smell bad. That would be great feedback for you to get for the future! But, I don't want you to come back in a month with the attitude that "I started showering, now you have to date me". Giving a reason turns the rejection from a firm "No" into a list of conditions.

Again, in the condition you give, my friend has just made a pass at me; I am not thinking of my friend in that way and am kind of hoping we can get right back to being friends ASAP. Being on edge for the next month or months worrying that he's only started [showering, being polite, dressing nicely, avoiding racist or misogynist comments, etc] because he's still holding a torch for me and could put me on the spot again at any time? Do not want.

Plus, already being friends makes it less likely that they'll be comfortable with insulting you or telling you horrible things about yourself, especially if they're not changeable (or if they think you'll get defensive and turn it in to an argument).

 

[Xeraxis]

I've never turned anyone down; I've always been on the other side of rejection. In fact, I have a 100% rejection rate, and I don't think that will ever change. I know the general reasons why, but I'm always left at a loss as to the specifics.

Pretty much what this guy said. No one has ever bothered to ask me out, and the few times I manage to ask someone out, they always say no and always don't bother with giving a reason as to why. It would be nice if one did so I could change what I'm doing wrong or understand a personal situation, but alas never happens.

 

[Not-here-anymore]

The temptation to say "Look, you're really boring, and I only asked you out in the first place because you kept following me around and I liked the attention" can be high, but I decided that actually saying it would probably have been a little cruel.

So... I won't always give a reason, no. Not that I'm spurning the advances of various women all that often...

I am a magnet for gay men, I don't get why, I have a girlfriend, I dress normally, I don't give out a gay vibe (at least I don't think so), but every time I go out into the city, I have to tell some gay dude that I am not his type. Freaking weird.

So my answer to your question would be: I am not gay.

I get this a lot, for some reason. However, despite it having happened several times, I still can't understand that a guy is hitting on me, even after they've started buying me drinks. It's distinctly more awkward to explain that you're not in fact gay after you seem to have been responding well to someone's advances.
Equally oblivious towards women, but that doesn't happen so often.